#pidge mumbles

[pidgwin]

I'm agender. I feel nothing in the space a gender is 'supposed' to be. I feel equally detached from womanhood as i do manhood, but i am read and treated as a woman by people and society. It gives me this closeness to a womans experience, which I lack with mens experiences. I sort of experience womanhood by association. I don't feel it, but i sort of know it? I deal with the advantages and (let's be honest, mostly) disadvantages of a thing i don't relate to. I crave so deeply to be unreadable. For people to look at me and be unable to assign me a box within their heads. Then maybe i can simply be perceived as myself. Detached, finally, from this thing i don't understand. Just as me.

[oneodddaydream]

Raymond this, Marshal that, where's the love for my boy Erik?!

[pidgwin]

The treatment for a missed miscarriage, a miscarriage where the fetus has died but the body hasn’t realised, is abortion. Either through surgery or medication. 

I was told at my 12 week ultrasound that my baby had died 4 weeks before. I have dreamed of becoming a parent for my whole life. Those few weeks I was pregnant were the happiest of my life but the second I knew my baby had died, I felt like the living embodiment of death. I felt like a walking coffin, distinctly inhuman. Dirty down to my very soul.

I was desperate to get the beautiful child I had wished for so dearly out of my body. The 24 hours between my ultrasound and being given abortion medication were some of the hardest of my life. Abortion is healthcare. I cannot even imagine being forced to carry my baby for another moment. I also can’t imagine being forced to carry a fetus, which you do not wish to. To take that right away is disgusting and demonstrates how truly little these people know about the reality of reproductive healthcare. Pro choice always.

[pidgwin]

Realising i'm demisexual (and probably demiromantic, let's be honest) and looking at the prospect of dating has really made me consider that I might never meet someone. Or the chances are much smaller. Dating apps really don't work for me. It makes me sad, but it also frees me in a funny sort of way. Maybe i'll just live and be a little lonely, but be good alone. Maybe never having sex again wouldn't be so bad. It's so complicated with my trauma anyway. Maybe i could just pay for massages to stop myself getting to touch starved and hug my friends. Live alone forever. Would that really be so awful? Need my life be filled with this desperate longing when i could just accept it. Sure, if someone comes along, great! But i'll be ok if not. I'll be ok.

[pidgwin]

maybe gender is just a prison i don't have to live in?

[pidgwin]

I'm slowly coming to the realisation that dating apps are probably not going to work for me being demisexual. I don't know if i find someone sexually attractive until i know them, so do i date to see if i want to date them? That seems crazy. I go on 3rd, 4th, 7th dates and just wait to see if the sexual attraction will kick in??? It doesn't feel fair to the other person, who may well start to develop feelings in that time. Do i only date other demisexual people? Do i, an autistic person, have to constantly be putting myself out there and draining my spoons in order to meet people and develop relationships? All my previous relationships have developed from friendships first. Do i have to constantly be actively cultivating friendships in the hopes that one will develop into a romantic/sexual connection? I'm so tired. Managing the friendships and activities i have is exhausting for me. How am i supposed to do more? I genuinely don't know what to do. The possibility of meeting someone suddenly feels very very low.

[pidgwin]

how can i ever expect to be truly known when i cannot speak my truth?

[pidgwin]

I don't know how to explain to the people i love that i feel just as connected to womanhood as manhood - not at all. The meaning of those words is equally as obscure in my head. I am read as 'woman' but i am just here. I am read as a thing but have no sense of what it is or what it might mean. And yet, i am judged on it in my every moment. I am deemed as something i have no connection to. There's a sort of grief in that somehow. I inherently can not exist as myself because i am connected to a concept i have no affiliation with. I don't know how to escape it.