Cooking Attempts
Summary: Patton starts getting the Sides cooking in the hopes that Thomas will try cooking himself. They all have different issues with their attempts.
Author's Note: If you want the chaptered version of this, head over to my AO3, same name as this blog. Otherwise, I've been writing this over the last week and mostly just having fun with it.
~
Patton
Patton’s idea was that if he started cooking and got the rest of the Sides included too, then maybe Thomas would start trying to cook as well.
He’d made some spaghetti before without any disaster too, so surely he wouldn’t do too badly.
If cooking with heart, with love, made the food taste better then Patton was going to be generous in following his feelings. A little extra butter wouldn’t hurt, nor should extra flavours he knew were liked by his family.
Patton quickly learnt the issue with adding extra butter as the batter he needed to make had completely the wrong texture. He did try to rectify it with extra flour and water but was very worried now.
“Oh, cooking makes sense.” Virgil’s comment startled him where he thought he was alone in the kitchen.
He span to face the anxious side, getting tugged away from the stove as he did, probably because of the pan he’d just been distracted from. “Hi Virge. Why does cooking make sense kiddo?”
Patton’s arm was released as cautious eyes focused on the pan instead of him, “You felt worried when Thomas isn’t. I wanted to know what’s up. You need any help?”
“I’ve got this kiddo,” Patton tried to give a reassuring smile, but wasn’t sure it was believed. “I’ll be calling everyone to dinner soon enough.”
“If you’re sure.” Virgil didn’t seem sure, nor did he go far as he sat on the sofa to be able to keep an eye on the kitchen while he waited.
~
Patton was delighted when even Remus and Janus came down for the meal he’d made. He’d made it as tasty as he could because all those herbs and spices smelt so lovely and even smelt interesting after he’d mixed them in.
His hopes for the meal to be a success didn’t dwindle at Logan’s calculating gaze or Remus’s grimace being replaced with a grin. He remained sure he’d done a decent job as Janus and Roman’s expressions became unreadable after their first bites.
Virgil was watching Patton when he turned to see his reaction before taking his own first bite. “Were you tasting it as you cooked?” He asked.
“Kiddon, don’t you say there are lots of ingredients we shouldn’t eat uncooked? I’ve not tasted it for your safety rules.” He soothed. He’d been trying to remember the things all the other Sides were concerned about recently and that one wasn’t a hardship to do.
With a nod and a scrunched nose, Virgil then tried a mouthful of the dish, expression twisting further as he did. “You should have tasted it between each of the herbs and spices I saw you add. This isn’t good Pat. You went overboard with the seasonings.”
“Perhaps one of us should try cooking next time.” Logan suggested.
Patton wilted at the criticism but nodded, “If you think that’s for the best.”
Roman
Baking was for extravagance in Roman’s mind, and he was nothing if he wasn’t extravagant. To prove it, he pulled out the mixing bowls and recipe books the day after Patton’s failed dinner, intent on filling the mindscape with cakes, cookies and a pie for dinner.
The recipes were easy enough to follow, but left little room for the creativity Roman had to add to everything he did. To find a way to include more of it, he gathered more books, checking which flavours had been combined before, as well as how shapes were achieved. He wouldn’t fall into Patton’s mistake of using all the spices he could.
A small delay was needed when the flour bag decided to poof dust all over him as he opened it, and cause the realisation that a prince’s garments weren’t best suited to baking. Roman did have a chef’s costume however, that he soon changed into.
It was a good thing he changed too, as after that any ingredient that was a powder became set on dusting him and the kitchen while every liquid or mixture thin enough to splash was joining in on the mess. There was soon cake mix on Roman’s shoulder from pouring it into the cake tin too quickly, and the fruit filling for the pie splattered on his hip.
If he wasn’t certain there were no other Sides downstairs as he worked, Roman would have suspected Remus or Janus of causing the ingredients to act as they were.
From the cooking times on the recipes, Roman was sure he could bake the cookies while finishing the cake batter and pie crust. He’d put those in next with the crust on the lower shelf for blind baking as he finished the filling off.
Blackened cookies were the first failure he faced and the indication that the recipe timings weren’t precise. Still he wanted to follow his plan son only double checked how to tell a cake was cooked before focusing on the pie filling again.
Roman brightened again when he pulled the pie crust out and it was cooked just as much as he needed.
The cake wasn’t as lucky. It’s top was pale and gooey still and the knife he stuck in came out with as much batter on it as it could hold. Only hope that it hadn’t been out long enough to lose its fluffiness got Roman putting the cake back in the oven for longer.
Filling the pie base will the fruit and making an intricate top crust distracted Roman. He got engrossed in the creation he was weaving from strips of pastry so much that he forgot about the cake until a new hint of burning joined the scents in the kitchen.
Jumping to the over he flicked the heat off, bending to look inside before opening it, in case his distraction had led to burning the cake enough it smoked. Seeing none, he opened it to pull the cake out, frowning at the burnt edges. To be certain it was fully done, Roman reached for a clean knife to stab the cake, groaning when a smidge of batter stuck to the blade still. Burnt and undercooked was not the extravagance he’d been certain he’d make.
“Hmm, I had intended to offer to cook today, but you’ve taken the task already.” Logan commented while Roman was debating how to get the cake fully cooked without burning its edges more.
He pulled up a charming smile, trying to exude the confidence he’d begun with, even if he wasn’t feeling it any longer before turning around, “Indeed, a fruit pie, delightful cookies and cake sounds like the perfect dinner, does it not?”
A silently judgemental glance darted to the cookies as Logan surveyed the room, but he focused instead on the knives Roman had tested the cake with, “Usually a dinner includes a savoury main course, but as long as there’s actual fruit in the pie, it’s not the worst. This is from testing the centre of the cake, correct?”
The knife held up was the most recently used one, so Roman simply nodded. If he spoke he might decide to wail about failures and there was still a pie to finish baking.
“Then stop looking like it’s defeated you in one of those battles you seek in the imagination. This is a reasonable amount for a moist cooked cake to leave when tested.” Logan informed him calmly, examining the cake now. “But I’d be grateful if the cake is iced in moderation.”
“I would argue for beauty and splendour, but compared to the pie, I can agree to your request.” He smiled. Roman had almost forgotten that his baking would end with decorating his creations and surely some sugar would make even his cookies taste delicious as well as look beautiful.
Virgil
After the sugar rush Roman served, Virgil wanted comfort for dinner. He couldn’t assume another Side would decide to make it if they chose to cook at all, so he opted to take the kitchen over for himself instead.
Jacket potatoes were simple enough to do, but Virgil worried they might not be treated as a full meal. If he added a more complicated filling then they would, and Logan was always mentioning the importance of eating vegetables, so he decided to add parsnips and carrots in a cheese sauce for the topping.
“Ah, Virgil,” Janus greeted as he was setting ingredients and equipment out, “You aren’t the side I thought would be cooking today.”
“And you aren’t someone I’m asking for help from.” He countered, trying to find the potato peeler for the vegetables.
Janus made a gesture he didn’t fully spot as he stood, before replying, “Very well. I’ll leave you to your task and look for Logan elsewhere.”
“You do that.” Virgil was not going to worry that Logan had wanted to cook today. He wasn’t. Logan could always cook tomorrow.
Chewing on his nail, Virgil decided that since jacket potatoes had long slow cooking times, he was fine to have the oven on a lower heat and turn it on sooner. That would also mean the potatoes were out of the way as he worked on the vegetables and sauce.
Quickly, he stabbed them with a fork and got them in the oven before debating what lever of cleaning up as he went he wanted to do. When he’d only used a fork it seemed like a bit too much, so Virgil left it in the sink for now.
The peeler was treated similarly after probably too long was taken to carefully peel the carrots away from his body. Then Virgil remembered there was only one peeler and the parsnips needed peeling too, so cleaned both items.
He’d already set out two knives for chopping the carrots and parsnips after they were peeled so moved straight onto that after throwing away the peel.
He did make sure to immediately clean and put away those knives before actually starting to make the sauce. Everything being done as safely as possible was Virgil’s goal and he was happy to be achieving it.
From the recipe he’d found, the vegetables would cook inside the sauce so he didn’t worry until adding the pieces to it.
As slowly as Virgil added the vegetables, and as careful as he’d been to only have any heat source turned on if he was cooking on it, he was still Thomas’s anxiety, ready to startle and jump at unexpected dangers. The sauce spitting and splashing over the carrots was one such danger.
His flinch knocked the pan between hobs and brought his hand into contact with the base of the pan and the lit hob. A sharp hiss escaped him, not turning into a yell because his teeth grit together as he snatched his hand back.
The list of immediate dangers cane to Virgil’s mind in this order; hot sauce unsteadily balanced, heat source about to be unattended and his own injury needing tending to.
Moving the pot with one hand wasn’t the best thing to do, but it got it to a secure position safely enough. Turning the hob off was a seconds work too, and relaxed Virgil enough to turn the cold tap on and get the burns on his hand chilled.
“Oh, are you cooking yourself for dinner?” Remus asked, popping up as if in response to the scene and leering over him, “Because yummy!”
“No!” He snapped over his shoulder, “It’s just harder for me to get injuries to vanish.”
Virgil tried not to tense even more when Remus stared at him for too long. He might recognise the problem solving expression compared to trying to be the problem, but he didn’t like waiting for Remus to offer a bizarre solution regardless.
“Then focus on spanking me instead of being injured.” Remus eventually offered.
“What?” His jaw was so tight he was shocked the word came out at all as he twisted to scowl at Remus while keeping his hand under the cold water.
He shrugged, “You aren’t hurt when fighting so spank me, fight me, do whatever you want to my nubile body.”
The punch to Remus’s jaw wasn’t what Virgil had intended to do, but it did have his burn dissolving away while Remus cackled from the floor.
“Don’t flirt like that! I’m not a sadist!” He glared down.
“But you are able to start cooking again, aren’t you?” was the unrepentant response.
Virgil huffed at him, waving a hand with a small intent to push Remus from the room. “Sure, now get out. This cooking has enough risks without you here.”
“Fine. I won’t challenge the sauce to a spitting contest.” Remus continued to laugh as he sunk out of the room.
Turning back to the sauce, Virgil pause to grab a tea towel to cover his hand with. If it was going to spit, he wasn’t going to repeat that startle again.
Logan
After two days of being beaten to the kitchen, Logan was resolute in cooking today. He’d researched healthy meals, as well as what chemical reactions he’d be observing in the cooking process. All that was required now was access to the kitchen to make the meal and his notebook to record his observations in.
The recipe he had decided to use had notes all over the printed page and a cooking thermometer in a pouch stapled to it. If the page called for a temperature to be used he would be ensuring it was reached before cooking that section and, if his research included ways to take the internal temperatures of a dish, he would be ensuring they reached heats enough to kill off harmful bacteria.
After hearing about Virgil’s accident the day before, Logan had also made sure to be properly protected with a lab-coat, gloves and safety goggles.
“I was wondering if you’d act as much as Roman did. The scientist angle is a rather interesting approach.” Janus commented while Logan was trying to make an emulsion work.
He frowned at them for a brief moment, “You heard that Virgil sustained an injury yesterday. This is reasonable protective wear, not a costume,” He corrected.
The sarcastic laugh he got in response was hardly earned.
“Then I suppose you need no help, but in case your recipes are vague on seasoning, I’d suggest adding more than a pinch.” Janus said once he’d calmed down, leaving shortly after.
From there, Logan’s cooking continued peacefully as he completed each step and made notes observing the changes in combinations and reactions the recipes included.
“Are we getting to eat your experiments at some point, or should I start summoning dinner for the rest of us?” Roman imperiously intruded on the peace cooking had brought.
Despite having checked his watch a lot since he began cooking, for how long things were cooked for mostly, Logan was shocked to see it was almost an hour later than dinner had been served for most of the week.
“Sorry Roman, I must have worked more slowly than intended by trying to observe the cooking as I would an experiment. The last dish should be finished in 3.7 minutes.” He stated, turning to gather plates so he could start serving up the finished dishes in that time.
“Splendid.”
Taking a moment to taste a small amount of his serving, Logan hoped he wasn’t about to get opposite criticisms to Patton’s meal. He should have added more seasoning, just like Janus suggested.
Janus
Janus's cooking isn't a lie. It's taking a tactical solution to a week of imperfect dinners.
They use a meal kit that hello fresh had once sent to Thomas for a sponsorship so the prep work was already done for them.
Of course deciding to do that did mean they'd be later reaching the kitchen than any of the others had been, but it wouldn't be late enough for Roman to start summoning a meal. Perhaps Remus would decide to cook instead but they knew him. He'd want to be a star somehow and given his food was unlikely to achieve it, being the last to cook was likely Remus's plan.
Frying the meat was easily done, as was boiling the rice for one of the side dishes.
They didn’t understand why everyone had struggled so much with their meals. Keeping a hold of everything cooking so it was flipped and stirred as often as needed was as simple as getting everyone sworn in during the trail they’d done before the wedding.
“Cheater!” Roman declared, glancing into the kitchen and seeing the kit. He paused before they could reply, looking around again. “Although perhaps that is the right way to begin learning to cook when Thomas’s knowledge of it is limited.”
“Hopefully that is what will reach Thomas from this week of cooking” They agreed.
The hardest thing Janus found to cooking ended up being rolling the tortillas smoothly so they didn’t decide to tear around the filling. Thankfully there were a few more tortillas than there was filling for them, so they simply double wrapped the ones which tore.
“As per an old Hello Fresh recipe, dinner is served.” They called, assuming everyone would be quick to appear for dinner.
Virgil shot up. Judgementally glaring at them, “Seriously? You just used the meal prep company? Only way you could have been lazier is by summoning pizzas and then denying it.”
“Remus would have screamed about it if I did that.” Janus commented, moving to set the plates out.
“They gave me deodorant and a chainsaw so I didn’t scream about the hello fresh box.” Remus agreed, curling over his plate at the table.
Patton looked torn when he approached the table, looking from the tortillas to Janus. “Was it a useful way to learn the cooking skills it needed, Janus?”
“It was adequate.” They stated.
“Then at least you tried.” He decided, assuming that his acceptance would remove the judgement still directed at him by Logan and Virgil.
It didn’t, but Janus was happy enough to have taken part in the week of cooking.
Remus
Virgil woke early, dread running through him. It wasn’t especially for Thomas but for the entire mind-space. He’d seen all the known sides cook this week except for Remus and that could only be a bad thing.
He hurried down to the kitchen to make sure all the washing up was done and confiscate any cleaning supplies that weren’t locked away already. That should be enough to ensure food was edible at a minimum.
~
Janus would never dream of limiting Remus’s freedom to create, because trying to do so often led to direct retaliation and retribution, like weapons to the head, or being forced into a new form for some amount of time.
What they often did instead, was offer subtle guidance to Remus’s impulses. For example: that morning they were going to give all the cook books new covers and names like ‘How to Convince People of Cannibalism without Eating Anyone’ or ‘Eating the Unkillable: Mushrooms and More’.
They’d be shocked if he did actually follow any recipe properly, but encouraging it even partially was justified.
~
If Remus wished to cook, that was no concern of Roman’s, except he’d be expected to eat the meal as he had at least tried the meals everyone else had made. It wasn’t a pleasant thought to consider everything Remus might try to force into being an ingredient in whatever he made.
He had to wait until after everyone had got breakfast, but Roman was quick to start checking the kitchen for things which could become harmful to eat. Given he’d cooked in it so recently he was sure that at least one other Side had thought to try and Remus proof the kitchen already.
He scoffed at the recipe books when he noticed they’d changed. The most that would do was have Remus cackling as he worked.
The missing cleaning products had him pausing, before deciding that he’s perfectly fine with whomever had taken them keeping them until it actually was necessary to clean everything up.
Those two actions left Roman with one other thing he wanted to try doing: Making every dish, plate and saucepan unbreakable and every knife only sharp when coming into contact with food that definitely wasn’t a living side.
Of course Remus could undo it, if he really was determined to use a smashed plate or whatever, but Roman would know if he did and manage to warn everyone to be careful when chewing their food.
~
Remus wasn’t meant to have the same skills Thomas had. He was creativity, the impulsive, darker creativity people can scold or complain about. He could claim any skill he wanted but very rarely did.
Noticing all the changes to the kitchen did make claiming a cooking skill or two very tempting, if only to make the best dish of the week and leave everyone wondering how they were going to be poisoned. Shame that the poisoning was apparently the most expected thing for him to do, since it did actually sound like fun.
He’d make something to punish them regardless. There were plenty of things to use as ingredients left in the kitchen still, so he could simply throw a few things in together and see how everything turned out.
Frying meat sounded entertaining for a while, so some meat went into a frying pan over the highest heat he could get the oven to reach. Then Remus threw some sauces in over the meat as well as a few spices, so he could draw penises on the meat or make the pan look like it was filled with bloody shit if he shoved the meat to one side of it.
Getting bored of that he returned to grabbing things from the cupboards to throw together, pretending not to notice the spider creeping out to turn the heat off. If Virgil wanted to avoid a fire too, then he could allow the arachnids hanging out in the kitchen.
The things thrown into the pan Remus had grabbed began to feel like a dough, so he squashed it to the counter and rolled it around the meat he’d been cooking first. He wanted to go and splash around in the mud now, so shoving whatever he’d made into the over would have to do for finishing it off.
~
Everyone looked from Remus, completely covered in mud except for the gloves Virgil had shoved onto his hands when he got back to the kitchen, and then to the dish he’d placed on the table which seemed to be some kind of meat pastry.
“It looks lovely, Remus.” Patton said eventually, forcing optimism into his voice as he reached over to slice it for everyone.
“It actually does?” Roman agreed, poking at the slice he was served before deciding to take a bite. “And tastes pretty good too?”
“Really? That’s weird!” Remus exclaimed, looking at his own serving, “I just threw whatever caught my eye together.”
Virgil and Janus took their own bites, letting out surprised noises. “Yep, somehow good. I’m not suggesting Thomas does what you did though.” Virgil glared at the dish, even as he dug into it.
“No fun.”
Thomas
All week long, Thomas had been wondering about trying to cook properly again. He wasn’t completely hopeless at cooking, but managing to shove something pre-made in the oven or quickly fry a mix he’d brought wasn’t as good as he probably should be after living independently for so long.
Today he finally felt like he had the time to spare for an evening cooking and the energy to do it as well.
As he was flipping through the few recipe books he had from previous attempts to learn more about how to cook, Logan popped up. “Ah, Thomas. Can I suggest you begin with one or two of the simpler recipes and while taking your time is advised, ensure you don’t take so long any separate dishes you might make cool as you work on a different one?”
“Sure. Any other advice for cooking?” He accepted the advice easily, knowing that if he’s been thinking about something for a few days it would be something all his sides knew about.
“Plenty, but I’m sure you either already know it or the others will want to pop up and share for themselves.” Logan sunk out promptly after he finished speaking, leaving Thomas wondering why the rest of his sides would have cooking advice for him.
The next time any side popped up was when Thomas was checking his shopping list for the spices the recipe called for. It was Patton, who looked very warily at the shelves, as if they were going to cause trouble even though Thomas struggled to imagine any circumstance where a spice could cause chaos on its own.
“Heeey Thomas, maybe don’t get too many of those. The flavours don’t always combine very well.” He offered, failing to grin as much as he usually did.
“I’m just planning on following the recipe, Pat. Why would that steer me wrong on what to combine?” He easily answered, patiently and curiously wondering what was going on.
Another glance at the shelves of spices, and then to the three herbs that Thomas had already picked up and Patton’s smile became more genuine. “That’s great Kiddo. Really glad you’re trying to cook again.”
“Yeah, it felt like time.” He agreed, but couldn’t help looking at his side again. “Any other reason you popped up beyond this?”
“Nope, not at all. I’ll leave you to your shopping before Virgil starts scolding me over making you talk to yourself.” Patton sunk out hastily, leaving Thomas more confused than before over how his sides were reacting to his decision to cook.
Once he’d got everything back home and the ingredients set out, Thomas was hesitant to start. Of course the recipe stated that he should preheat the oven first, but that felt like asking for trouble and he wasn’t certain why.
He decided to go straight to the centre of his anxieties and simply call Virgil up.
“Sup Bossman, You looking for my cooking tips now?” Virgil greeted, hunched in the doorway.
“More like wondering why I’m so worried over preheating the oven like the recipe says.” Thomas replied, glancing at the cookbook again.
Virgil glared at the stove, “Because burns are not a fun injury to have and its safer if you light it after you’re ready to put things into it. You don’t want to get burned.”
Thomas looked at him dubiously, “Makes sense, but has something been going on in my head since I started thinking about doing this?”
“Yeah, Patton wanted us to try cooking and see if it would encourage you to.” Virgil groaned after saying the words, “Are we gonna be worrying over if it’s you or us thoughts originate from now?”
“We can try not to.” He offered, hoping he wouldn’t, but after hearing Patton’s approach he couldn’t help but question it.
With another frustrated noise, Virgil was gone and Thomas was skipping to the second step to actually start working through the recipe.
“Everything turned out great when I just threw everything in together.” Remus’s goading voice rang out, though it took a moment for Thomas to spot the fingertips hanging onto the divide between kitchen and living room.
He shook his head at them. “I’m still following my recipe Remus.”
“But I made the best meal of the week without any recipe at all.” The protest was followed by Remus pulling himself up as if he was fighting a much bigger drop than there was from divide height to the floor.
“Doesn’t matter. If I want to actually learn to cook I need to follow recipes for a while longer at least.” Thomas stated, easily moving to the next step in the recipe as he did so.
“Boring. Maybe you should come into your food to test how that makes it taste better.”
Thomas rolled his eyes, before holding his arm in Remus’s direction, “And that’s time for you to go away now.”
He wasn’t alone for long as Janus was soon to arrive with their ideas on cooking, “You’re putting an awful lot of effort in for people who would be more impressed if you just claimed a ready meal was homemade.”
“I’m only cooking this for me, Janus. I don’t think I would lie to myself over how much effort I put into a meal.” He replied, realising as he checked the recipe again that he’d almost finished it.
“Which makes this amount of effort even more astounding if you aren’t trying to impress anyone,” they remarked.
“I’m allowed to want to know how to cook just for me.” Thomas muttered, resolute in not doubting his decision. Even if he might want to cook for his friends at some point in the future, cooking for himself was a sensible goal to have set and worth working on.
He turned to place the nearly finished dish into the oven for the baking time specified, remembering to turn it on now it was actually being used. Janus had left by the time he turned around again to set the timer on his phone.
Given everyone else had popped in to have their say, Thomas was beginning to wonder when Roman would after getting the finished dish from the oven.
“Did you remember parsley leaves for garnish? What about a sauce or gravy to drizzle over it artistically?” Roman appeared, looking from the dish Thomas had made and just started to cut a serving of and the plate he was going to move it onto.
Thomas looked from him to the dish, before shaking his head with a smile, “No to all. I made this just for me and I don’t need any fancy plating for my meal. I just want to eat it at this point.”
“But you need the flare! To show your pride in this creation!” The protest was given playfully, as if Roman was mostly doing it to entertain now. “Although I suppose you did manage to make something that doesn’t need icing to hide the burnt areas.”
“You tried baking then, did you? I was wondering about my day thinking about my favourite cookies.” He smiled, but shooed his side away. He didn’t need to ask how their cooking attempts had gone when he thought his own was as successful as someone still learning to cook could hope for.
