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This chapter contains light smut and refences to PTSD. See master list for full list of tags for whole fic.
“So, things have been progressing well so far.” Her therapist said. They’d had a couple more calls, a couple more dinners since their night dancing, they’d even made out at her door couple more times.
“Yeah, I just can’t help but worry, we’re getting to the point where men start to want more from me than I’m able to give.”
“Has he given you any indication that that maybe the case? That he’s getting impatient?”
Ana sifted through the last few dinners in her mind. “No.”
“Then let’s not create problems that don’t exist yet, Ana.” Her therapist said. “Where do you think you are with regard to physical intimacy. Do you want it to progress?”
“I think its good, we’ve had a couple kisses, but it feels like such a big leap to go from kissing to being in bed together. Like the first time I had my panic attack, I was fine hugging him till I saw the bed and thought he wanted to go there.”
“So, what about removing the sexual elements from being in bed? What if you just had a date in bed. Get some popcorn, watch a movie. You have an open line of conversation going with Javier, if you told him you wanted to be on the bed without it leading anywhere? Maybe this time you just sit side by side, and you could work up to nonsexual physical contact. Just like you did outside the house on dinner dates.”
“Okay yeah, I think I could do that.”
“Just pick a movie that won’t be too scary or sexual this time, ok?”
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“So just like a movie night? I don’t think that qualifies as weird Ana.” Javier said on the phone the next day.
“I just mean I don’t know how much I’ll be comfortable with touching, and I don’t want you to be weirded out that we are going from making out on my front step to then all the way back to zero.”
“Well it’s not back to zero if you feel like its progress, cariño. If you need to sit on a bed and not even hold hands for six months, then I’m game. Let’s just pick some good movies.”
“Well, what haven’t you seen yet?”
“For movies? Everything, I’ve been a little busy.”
They agreed on Saving Private Ryan, “Couple more caveats, first you let me handle the food.” Javier agreed “Second, I’ve talked to Esie, she knows we’re dating, but her knowing that, and there being a man in my bed are two different things, even if she’s not home, so I think I want to do it at the motel.”
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Maria gave Ana permission to use the rooms at will, no charge, so long as she cleaned it up after and they weren’t booked up already.
Ana only realized that this was the same room she had had her panic attack in as she stared at the bed. She’d brought a big picnic style blanket as a cover for them to eat on. And a tray of empandas and patacones, with a couple salsas to go with them.
Not long after, Javier arrived with a bottle of wine and a VHS copy of Saving Private Ryan. His contributions to their evening
“These are better than the last place, did you pick them up near UTSA?” Javier said as he grabbed his second empanada.
“Really, I didn’t think you cooked much?”
“I don’t mind cooking, I just like going to different restaurants. I usually cook for Esie and I, well I’m not gifted like Maria. But I can make passible food.”
“Better than passable I’d say, best I can do is grill, my pops' not bad now. But there were a couple years after ma passed that were really rough on the Peña dinner table.”
By the time they’d made it to their fourth movie they’d progressed from sitting on a picnic blanket to snuggled under the covers. “Bring your pajama’s I think I’m ready to get wild a crack that comforter back,” she’d joked as they made plans for their 3rd bed date.
“I don’t own pajamas but I’ll get some.”
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“What are you doing next weekend? For the whole weekend.”
“A weekend wow, I made it to the big leagues.” Javier sat on his back deck chair, settling there once more after picking up the phone. He’d been counting boats again when she'd called.
“Esie’s out of town for a dance competition, I already agreed to work Sunday afternoon so I can’t go anyway.”
“I’ll book the motel.” Things had been going well. They’d made out through half of the last movie.
“I was thinking, maybe you don’t have to. If you want, I think you could try sleeping over at the apartment.”
Javier froze, it was finally his turn to worry, he hadn’t had to consider sleeping over yet. He didn’t want her to see him waking up in a cold sweat. Who knew what he said in his sleep too. Maybe he’d do something to set her off and she’d come so far, they’d come so far. He didn’t want his ghosts to fuck it all up for them.
“Maybe I should, anyway, just in case things need to slow down.” He said grasping.
“I already, thought of that,” she said triumphantly. I can just sleep in Esie’s room if it gets to be too much.”
“I’m not a good sleeper, Ana, I have bad dreams sometimes…” all the time “…about Columbia”
“That’s okay Javi,” He couldn’t find a reasonable argument not to. Selfishly he hoped it would be okay anyway.
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Javier met her in San Antonio Friday afternoon, he was picking her up at the campus. Her car needed new brake pads and an oil change. So, she’d just left it at the shop and hitched a ride into town with Bert that morning. Javier had insisted it wasn’t a problem. He was planning to go to the city anyway, he had some coffee machines he’d been eyeing and wanted to take a look for himself before he ordered one.
He found his way to the admin building she worked at with relative ease, it hadn’t changed much since he’d been gone there. He was winding his way through the halls when he heard a surprised “Javier Peña?” he turned. It took a moment for his brain to peel back the years from the man’s face.
“Don Crane? What are you doing here? I haven’t seen you since Quantico.”
“I’m a professor here now. I teach in the criminology department.”
“Makes sense, you always had a big brain.”
“What are you doing here…oh that’s right you’re an alumnus? Heard you just retired too.” Javier would never get comfortable with people following his career. He was used to knowing things about other people, not having it the other way 'round.
“Yeah, but I uh, know someone who works here. Don’t think I’ve set foot here in 20 years.”
“I’m surprised the alumni committee hasn’t got their hooks into yet, thrown you into some sort of honorary dinner. The criminology department loves to boast that the guy who caught Escobar went here.”
“I was a psych major.” He said simply.
Don shrugged, “It’s a newer department, lots of the psych professor’s teach criminology courses. There’s a lot of crossover there. Let me grab your information, it would be nice to grab a beer catch up.”
Javier figured there was no harm in that. But warned him as he took his card that he wasn’t in San Antonio much.
He finally found his way to Ana’s office. He was led to her by Ana’s co-worker. Who gave Ana look he couldn’t see that said “you will be filling me in on who this handsome man is later” before she left them alone. “Thank you miss, beautiful dress by the way.” Javier told the woman as she left.
“I forgot that you flirt with women like you need it to breath.” Ana said when the door closed behind her co-worker. Surprised to find that his attention on someone else bothered her, it never had before.
Javier grinned slowly, “Are you jealous?”
“No, but this is my job, I’d prefer it if you didn’t get written up for harassment.” Ana supplied a half truth.
Javier rounded the desk leaning on the arm rests of her chair so he could study her face. “You are! I’ve never seen you jealous before. I think I like it.” He gave her a quick kiss on her scrunched nose. She glared at him, but his eyes danced playfully, his voice lowering, “Relax hermosa, I was just being nice. Think about it, she’s a pretty enough girl, but she has to work every day with you, I’m sure no one pays her any mind while you’re here, looking like you do, she even wears bright pretty dresses just to hope to stand up to your shine, corazon.”
She rolled her eyes. “Like its fucking oxygen to you, Javi.” But she kissed him anyway then he helped her out of her chair, offering to carry her book bag.
“I looked it up, there’s a Colombian restaurant a 20-minute drive from here, lets see if we finally get any luck.”
They decided it was better, but still not great. Their hunt for the perfect Columbian meal would continue.
“I just need to call Esie and find out how the dance went. Get comfy on the couch, she’s not going to want to chat long.” True to her word she returned less than 5 minutes later.
“How is she?” Javier asked.
“Good, said she placed well in the first round. Said to say 'hi', and that you owe her a horse ride for some reason…any idea what that’s about?”
Javier laughed a little in surprise, “She knows I’m here?”.
“Yeah, we talked about it, she’s 16 not 6, I’m not giving her the dirty details, but she knows we’ve been seeing each other regularly.”
“Right, uh, well its kind of a funny story...the first time I called and left a message with her, I told her I lived on a ranch, she said that if I was quote “banging her mother” that I should let her ride a horse.”
“Oh my god, that girl, I'm gonna kill her!” She shook her head, but she wasn’t terribly upset. “ So you told her you would let her ride one of your horses? She’s never even been on a horse you know.”
“No I did not,” Javier said firmly "I told her the truth then, which is that we were old friends, I didn’t want to overstep either… she can though, you know, ride a horse, if you want to come to the ranch, we keep a couple of bomb proof old horses for when my cousin’s little kids come to visit. Ones you can throw a three-year-old on and not worry.” She climbed on his lap and kissed him.
“You don’t have to do that.”
Javier shrugged as he wrapped his hands around her waist. “I don’t mind, plus the kids never been on a horse and this is Texas, that’s practically a crime.” he went serious again. “If you wanted to come to the ranch one weekend. If you don’t mind tonight... staying in the same bed that is... well there’s lots of bedrooms at the ranch so you done even ne…”
She kissed him again to stop his rambling, “It sounds like fun. It might take a couple of weeks to get a weekend off for both Esie and myself. And maybe, we should do something with Esie so you’re less of a stranger before she spends a weekend with you.”
“Okay... but I can’t imagine how we could be any closer, I’m already her legal council and her horse trainer.”
Ana grinned. “You’re such a pushover. I’m going to go get changed. Then you can throw your bag in my room.”
Ana had thought having Javier in her bed might be an issue, that it might feel different, but they’d cuddled and watched a movie as usual. Javier had finally caved on his romcom boycott after he’d seen her VHS collection was seriously limited. He’d agreed to Hope Floats on the premise that it was based in Texas and he preferred Sandra Bullock over Meg Ryan. “I’ve never had much luck with blondes.” he reasoned.
A little while later Javier cursed under his breath as he fumbled with the VCR cables.
“Didn’t realized we’d be adding cable man to your list of services.” She teased as she laid on the bed while she watched him. Wearing a sleep tank and short pajama bottoms. Her head rested on her hands and her legs bent, and calves crossed in the air.
Once Javier had finally gotten the connection right, he raised an eyebrow at her. “Is that a fantasy of yours? I think I’ve seen that before...but it was a very different kind of film.”
She laughed, “Only if they look like you.”
“Now who’s flirting? But I think the only physical requirement for those kind of actors is that they are hung like a horse.”
She looked poignantly at his sweatpants. “Mhmm a requirement you meet if memory serves.”
He walked over to kiss her. “Nah, you remember wrong.”
She pulled him down on top of her then flipped them around to kiss him more. And eventually her hand crept slowly beneath the waist of his sweatpants, where his quickly hardening length was. She felt it both solid and velvet-soft beneath her hand, she’d intended to be bold enough for a playful feel up, but now that she was there she found she felt perfectly comfortable touching him that way. She pumped his cock a few more times and she got a delicious deep groan from Javier. When she swiped her thumb around the tip, he broke their kiss with a moan, “Baby, don’t be cruel, its been months since he’s seen any action, you’ll give him the wrong idea.”
She laughed but pulled her hand away. “Sorry, I just wanted to check if I was right... I was, but then I found out that going there didn’t stress me out and I got carried away. I didn’t mean to torment you.”
They watched the movie and as the credits rolled Javier asked, “Can I ask you something cariño? We talked about it a little bit, but can you tell me what are the things you are worried about physically now, its been almost two months and things have changed so much, I guess I don’t know where the boundary lines are... I don’t want to push too far by accident.”
Ana thought for a moment. “I guess it used to be that I was worried about being grabbed by you and freaking out, I know consciously now you won't do anything like that …but now with you I’m mostly really worried that I’ll freeze mentally, then you won’t realize and keep going. Plus, I know it’s crazy but the last time I felt good naked with a man was probably...with well you, and also that was 15 years ago.”
Javier kissed her temple then murmured into her ear. “Well tonight is a big enough step, but can I make a suggestion?”
“Of course, Javi, always, this is about both of us.”
“What if you could be naked with me and not worry about what I might do, consciously or not? Then you can just explore feeling safe.”
“Well, I don’t carry cuffs anymore, but some rope or some ties should cut it. Tie me up, so then you know if you freeze or need to step away you can. You’ll know exactly what I’ll do. Which will be nothing.”
“Javi, are you asking me to tie you up and edge you, you know shit like that used to cost extra with me.” She joked so she'd feel less awkward about the whole thing.
“Nah, I’m not crazy, I’m asking you to tie me up then at least finish what you started earlier.” He shot her a mischievous look then it softened again. “Whenever you think you might be ready for that. Not right now, I know tonight is a big step for you. I'm proud of you, cariño.”
“Ok let me think about it? Now, let me make it up to you for earlier.”
“Baby you don’t have to make anything up to me ever, si?”
“Do you want a back massage or what?”
“Good, take your shirt off.” Ana loved his back, always had, big broad shoulders, well muscled without them being too pronounced, he muscles made from real life not set at a bodybuilding gym. His dimpled lower back highlighting the cut of his waist. She mulled his offer over as she kneaded the tight muscles around his neck. She knew she needed to take the next big leap, was ready, his plan was as good as any she could think of, one more stepping stone placed on the gap between cuddling and sex.
Javier was a man used to teetering on the edge of exhaustion, who lived most days in the presence of stress and discomfort. In Columbia it had kept him going in an odd way, kept him from stopping, here it seemed to keep him from starting again. But her touches coaxed him into a temporary calm, relaxed for the first time in recent memory, he’d fallen asleep before she even finished. She tucked in beside him after sliding off her perch.
“Good night” she whispered as she turned off the lamp.
It was the dead of night probably 4 am when she heard him mumble “Shut up, kid...” Then he woke with a start. She’d woken up a couple of minutes before, jostled from sleep by his tossing and sleepy mumbling.
She’d been debating if she should wake him when he sat up with a start. Once his eye focused, he seemed to finally remember where he was, he looked at her apologetically.
“Sorry,” he said “did I scare you?” It occurred to her that he looked scared himself. Big weary sad eyes scanning her for signs of distress.
“No, its ok Javi. Bad dream?” she asked and he nodded.
“Sort of,” he said, after all dreams aren’t real, these were simply memories. “I can just go to the couch...” he moved to get out of bed she caught his arm gently.
“I won’t be able to get back to sleep, baby, it’s the middle of the night I don’t want to keep you up.”
She changed tact whispering gently, “Can you just hold me then?”
Javier figured he could just stay awake and try not to move too much, “Yes cariño, I can do that.” He slung an arm around her spooning her gently, she pressed back into him, stroked the forearm he’d placed around her.
“Can you do something for me Javi, can you breathe deep with me?”
So, they breathed together until eventually his deep breaths turned into the shallower breaths of slumber. And she slipped back to sleep with him.
That morning, she was cuddled on Javier’s chest, tracing little circles on his chest into his dark cotton t-shirt, while they both woke up slowly.
“Hey hermosa,” Javier eventually mumbled, “did you get back to sleep ok after I woke you up?”
Ana nodded but she was conflicted that morning, her instinct, what she wanted to do was to borrow into what haunted Javier at night, make him talk about it, she wanted to help him fix it. But it had taken years for her to get to a place where she was a ready to do that for herself. And Javier had been in Columbia for a long time. Had been in the middle of a covert war for most of his adult life. Was only just now away from that. She settled on “I did… do you want to talk about it?”
Javier grunted looking away, “Did I talk?”
“Only a little, you said, “Shut up, kid, I think.” She felt Javier’s body tense up beneath her.
“Ana, I… you don’t understand, there’s a lot that happened, after you left, it was bad before, but everything got so much worse, I’m just as guilty as the rest of them for the blood in the streets, now I think maybe more so.”
“Javier, I know.” She crooned sympathetically
“You don’t, I’m not like when you knew me before I… I’ve done terrible things, cariño, things I don’t deserve forgiveness for, I made bad calls, and it cost a lot of people their lives. I’ve stood by while terrible things happened and ...I just let them. I think if you knew about half the stuff I did, you wouldn’t want me to be here right now. Wouldn’t want me in your bed. I’m sorry, I should have given the option, should have explained better, before we got into this. It wasn’t fair to you.” He moved to sit up. Ana pushed down on his chest to keep him there.
“You think you know but…”
“You know what my favourite thing about you is?” Ana asked rhetorically, “Its your eyes, even back then, when you were a young carbone spewing your bullshit, that mouth saying this or that, your eyes always told me the truth, made you almost incapable of lying... really a terrible trait for someone in your line of work.” He scoffed, “But, when I saw you in the roadhouse I knew it had been bad, they looked so sad... so defeated.”
“So you took pity on me?” Javier said pulling back.
“Maybe a little, I think part of me had buried my past so deeply, when you showed up I thought about telling you that you were mistaken. Then those big sad eyes recognized me, and I knew we’d found each other again for something. Who knows, at the time I thought penance maybe.”
“Thought you weren’t religious anymore.”
“I’m catholic, the guilt never leaves.” Javier nodded in agreement.
“I don’t want to be your penance,”
“But Helena you don’t know what I’ve done”. She wondered if he knew he’d used her old name. He had never slipped before. She didn’t tell him, if he was drowning in his past right now, she could hold hers too. She didn’t correct him on the name. But she wasn’t done her fight.
“Javier Peña, you stay right here in MY bed where you belong. I am going to show you something.”
She left the room rummaged around for a minute and returned with a big box “You may be a bad liar but I am not, I told you I didn’t follow Columbia after I left but that wasn’t true, look.” She set the box on the bed. He looked through it, pulling out articles’ pictures even full magazines. There were old pictures of the Los Pepes murders, pictures of a bombed out plane. Pictures of Javier standing in a suit speaking at a press conference. Then there was his article with El Tempo.
“I’m not sure why, I kept everything I thought might be related to you. I think I worried about you, wanted to keep an eye on you as if somehow that would help. In the earlier days I thought I was just paying attention to what happened in my country, keeping an eye on the danger, but once Escobar was dead and I kept watching I knew what I was really looking for.” She tapped his picture at a press conference when he was the DEA Attache in Columbia, “and you’d become easier to find. I don’t know everything, but I have a pretty good idea.”
“Innocent people died because of choices I made. I stood by and watched as …” he looked away. For a moment she thought he might actually cry.
She tiled his head to look back at her. “Javier, I’m sure I don’t know everything, but I knew before you were in this bed who you were, and if one day you feel like you want to tell me about the memories that keep you up at night, I want to hear them. And nothing you will say will stop me from wanting you here. But for now, I want you here all the same, ok?” Ana had known bad men, and for all of Javier's faults and whatever he had done, she knew he wasn't a bad man.
Javier nodded he still doubted her claim. But she kissed him gently and he folded, for once choosing comfort over self-destruction. And she cuddled into him for a little bit longer until the weight from their conversation seemed to lift a little.
They agreed to set out for the little coffee shop, then to figure out how to spend the day together.
At the coffee shop they settled in at a cozy table near the window. Javier told her about his coffee bar project at the ranch.
“I like the idea of you working away in a work shop, building stuff, it’s very hot.” She said.
“Absolutely a guy competent enough to build anything he wants.” She ran a flirty hand along his forearm.
“I don’t know about that, you should see my first attempt. I wouldn’t even trust it to hold up a coffee cup.”
“What attempt is this one?”
“Number three, I had to cave and ask my pops for help. Which delighted him and drove me insane.”
Ana laughed, “But it’s structurally sound?”
Javier nodded. “Not only is it sound it’s solid, has to be, the coffee machine I ordered it serious business, they’re importing it from Italy, gone are my days of shitty bullpen old coffee, I’m an espresso man now. I put the last coat of varnish on the damn thing yesterday morning, should be ready to move it in when I get back.”
“So, is this a new passion?”
He leaned forward, as if he were letting her in on a secret, “Absolutely the fuck not, I hated it. But I’m trying to be a good retiree and find hobbies.”
“Chucho not keeping you busy enough at the ranch?”
Javier shrugged, “He’s got a pretty solid group of hands he’s had for years. We do the odd things together, but its mostly just some fence posts and feedings to pick up the extra slack.”
“What about knitting?” Ana asked, he gave her an exasperated look.
When they got back from dinner. She left Javier with the evening news while she went to grab them drinks. It was a cozy evening, something they wouldn’t have dreamed of doing in Columbia. Too incredibly domestic for either of them in those days, now it felt remarkably natural.
She heard it as she rounded the corner, the news caster saying. “It was believed to be an ambush; 3 DEA agents are reported dead from an incident outside Juarez today. 1 remains in critical condition.” She saw the intense look on his face. He looked like he was right back in Bogotá again.
“I’m sorry Javi, maybe we should watch something else.”
He shook his head, “I need to see if they will identify who’s dead, one of my guys was on that team. I need to make sure he got out.”
She sat with him quietly as the official DEA photos of five men filled the screen. Then one more flashed and Javier leaned back a bit. “Sorry to kill the mood, he’s not there.” He flicked the channel away, letting a rerun of Friends fill the screen instead.
“That’s good, you two were close?”
He shrugged, “I don’t even really like the guy, annoys the shit out of me for some reason. So, fucking hot headed and ambitious, determined to get the fucking guys, he was always pissing me off about something. But he worked for me on Cali, its hard to let go of feeling responsible for him.”
“Hmm, hot headed and ambitious, determined, now why does that sound so familiar?”
He squeezed her waist and bit her shoulder lightly, “Yeah, yeah,” he whispered in her ear “save it for the case study Doc. Want to watch another movie?
She shook her head and climbed on his lap. Throwing her arms around his shoulders. “I have a better plan for the evening.”
They sat in her bed a little while later. “I’m not usually the one who gets tied up.” Javier mused as he tested the bounds. He was loosely tied to the headboard, constrained but loose enough he could move around a little. He had tried to micromanage her knot tying until she said, “You know I used to do things like this professionally? I’m not trying to torture you know, I want you to be comfortable.”
She watched him assess his hands for a moment. Suddenly worried he might not be comfortable with it she started. “Do you not like it, if…”
“… if you think I’m going to do one second of complaining about getting naked with a beautiful woman I happen to be obsessed with, you’re out of your mind.”
She relaxed, “Good, because you kind of look hot like that.” Javier was shirtless sitting up on her bed broad shoulders spread outward. Muscles slightly flexed at the restriction of the soft scarfs she’s dug up to tie his hands. The years had filled him out a little, but in a very good way. He smirked, eyes turning molten chocolate has she let he robe fall, she still wore her underwear, not ready to give up a last barrier. She crawled up and sat on his lap to kiss him. It wasn't long until she felt him harden beneath her.
Javier kissed down her neck, to the top of her breast, the farthest he could reach, tied as he was. He mumbled softly, “Take this off.” A demand and a request all a once.
Before she did, she considered a warning, that she wasn’t 23 anymore, that time and years had had consequences, but he already knew all that, plus she knew she didn’t look bad, so she removed her bra, and his eyes burned, they seemed to register nothing but want. “Come’re, fuck you’re beautiful.”
She ran a hand down his bare chest, over his stomach to the soft hair just above where his boxers started. She met his gaze once more, and Javier lifted his hips so she could slide them off. The heavy cock she had fondled the night before, slapped up heavily against his stomach. She backed up a little her eyes dropped to it, his stayed fixed on her, watching intently. “What do you want cariño?” he asked.
She didn’t say anything, transfixed by the beautiful man in front of her, who, in spite of the bounds was doing his best to lay still, to allow her to explore at her leisure. Even when every instinct he had was to take her into his arms and show her that he could make her feel good again, to drive into her until she screamed his name. Even when she put her hand around his base, to once again surround his girth before pumping his length, he forced himself to remain still. Resigned to the understanding that tonight would be about her exploring, her pleasure on her terms. But as she swiped her thumbs over his tip and rubbed the precum gently in, he couldn’t help but let out a low tortured whine, his hip bucking ever so sightly. He was trying so hard to be good and looking so desperately wreaked.
She wanted to see him happy again, watch him shift from agony to pleasure. So, she finally responded. “I want your cock in my mouth Javi.”
“Fuck” he groaned. “Are you sure? Baby you don’t have to do that.”
“I’m very sure. I should warn you I’m probably a little out of practice.” Then she leaned forward settling between his thighs. She licked the tip gently at first which elicited another soft hiss from Javier. She looked up and gave him a mischievous grin before closing her mouth around the head.
It was when she started to draw him in and her lips met her hand that still held him at the base, that Javier, who could do nothing else, but resist the urge to thrust up started to groan above her. As she drew back then began pulling him back in, he said “Fuck, baby that’s perfect, your perfect fucking mouth around my cock”. She glanced up at him eyes glazed with arousal, lips slightly a gape. He looked ruined. Ana had forgot how powerful it could feel, wreaking a man with pleasure. That she could actually enjoy the masculine taste of a man heavy on her tongue. His words slipped into murmurs when she increased the speed. When she lowered her hand to take his balls she felt them draw up slightly. “Baby I’m gonn’a cum soon, baby what do you want?” he panted.
She removed her mouth only for a moment to say. “In my mouth Javi.”
Her moth wasn’t on him again long before he said, “Fuck baby, you sure? Fuck you're so perfect. I’m cuming baby.” Was his final warning. His salty taste entered her mouth as he grunted in pleasure above her. Like most things with Javier, she did not find it unpleasant as she swallowed. She rose up to assess her damage, his eyes where glazed, but he looked happy. It took him a moment. “I can…” he started
She shook her head, she knew Javier never liked to leave his partners without pleasing them first. “Another time, ok?”
She nodded then reached to untie him. His eyes glanced at her tits again. She laughed at him “do you want to touch them?”
“Yes, I very much do.” She grabbed his now free hands and guided them up her torso to touch he breasts.
“Of course I am, look at you.”
They settled into together on the bed a little while later. At Javier request she remained topless, he spooned her, big hand coming up to cup her breast.
That night she once again awoke to his soft sleepy mumbles.
“Where is she?” he growled darkly in Spanish.
She was debating whether she should try to coax him awake from his nightmare when he mumbled “Helena.” She froze. Tonight, she was his ghost. “I’m going to get you out of here” he said in Spanish and she knew exactly what was playing through his brain. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
“Lo siento, Helena”
“Javi, its Helena,” she whispered moving gently into his chest. It didn’t occur to her that that maybe unwise in his current state. “It’s ok I’m safe, está bien, estoy a salvo, estamos a salvo. Javi.”
He pulled her in, never reaching consciousness, once his face had relaxed and his breathing had returned to regular sleep, she turned, still in his grasp so her back was to his chest.
Ana did not fall back asleep though. She lay awake thinking. She did not have full memories of that night even still. She remembered everything with Gaucho, most everything with his men too, though she missed some pieces there. She remembered their disgusting laughs, some of their brutal touches. Then she remembered Javier throwing his vest on her, him holding her in the car, him asking where to find her baby. Then waking up in a hospital bed alone.
Javier was there the next time she woke up looking like he hadn’t slept in days. He’d told her that the doctor said she could be released to supervised care, that Javier had arranged a flight to Bogotá. Javier told her that he had sent a team to her neighbour’s house, to the old woman she paid to watch her kid. That he’d sent someone with Vanessa and Gabriella to her place to pack for her. That she wouldn’t be able to go back to her apartment.
He brought her to his place where he put her in his bed, he introduced her to a blonde American woman, whose name she didn’t recall but she had a kind face and manner. He told Ana that the lady was the wife of his partner, she would look after her. Then he left and she remembered not wanting him to go, his presence had felt like the last safe place in the entire world.
When the neighbour arrived, she’d handed the baby to the blonde woman, Esie was a baby then, oblivious to the chaos around her. The blonde woman settled the baby into Ana’s arms. And she stayed with the blonde woman, for the better part of two days. The woman left when Javier had arrived that night accompanied by a blonde man.
“I live right upstairs,” she told her. “You have a concussion so Javier will have to wake you every few hours. If your vision goes bad or your pain gets worse tell Javier, he will come get me right away, si?”
Javier had told her he'd sleep on the couch that night, gently waking her a few times.
The next morning Javier was gone, and the blonde woman had returned. She helped her shower, “Don’t worry I’m a nurse,” She said as a comfort, “this is like a regular Tuesday for me.” By the afternoon Connie had helped her repack what the girls had taken from her place into two large suitcases. By the third day her body was in much better shape. And her mind well... It was at least functional. That afternoon Javier had returned, for the first time during the day with two brand new passports, one Columbian that held a picture that she recognized as her drivers license photo, but the name read, “Ana Maria Cordona” her new name he told her, she could never ever use her old one again, her passport the paper work for a visa was tucked inside it. And the other one, the American one was for a baby, “Esperanza Ana Cordona” it read. “This should be enough identification for her, there’s a birth certificate on file here at the embassy, detailing an overseas issue of an American birth certificate, I said her father was an American. If you ever need to you can call to get it, but its better to not have people rooting around the paperwork. Since its not… its just better if you don’t. Renew her passport before it expires and this should be enough ID. You both have American social security numbers too.”
He pulled out a stack of cash from the smaller bag. Handed her 400 dollars in American 20s. “This should be more than enough to get you to the other side. Buy whatever you need at the duty free. He handed the bag to the women, “Split the rest up between the two bags, in case one gets lost.” He said to the blonde woman. Then to Ana, “There is $9,000 dollars there, enough so you don’t have to declare it. When you land, I want you to buy a ticket for the next available bus to wherever. From there you are going to buy a ticket to another bus, somewhere far way, but not the furthest. Then you’re going to stay there for 3 or four days, then you are going to buy one more ticket to a place you think you can spend at least a year. You can settle in a city, but it can’t be Mami, Ney York or Los Angles. Do you understand?”
“If anyone asks, you met and fell in love with an American man while he was abroad in Columbia, you had a baby with him but never married. He is dead and now you are going to stay with his family in America, since you have no family of your own left in Columbia. You were very much in love and its hard for you to talk about it, no one should press you more than that. I bought you a seat on a flight to Atlanta, it’s the red eye. We need to go in a couple hours.”
At the gate he’d looked miserable, but he’d whispered. “You are Ana now, you can never come back here, ok? Never call, never tell anyone. As far as anyone is concerned Helena went missing in Medellin.”
He held her face gently finding her dull eyes, “If you can’t do it for yourself do it for Esperanza,” he gestured to the baby in the carrier beside her.
Javier had been right in a way, Helena had gone missing in Medellin, not to be found again, at least for 15 years, and then only by him.
When the sun had risen and 7am had crept up. She was contemplating if she should talk about it with him when he woke. He was the only one who could fill in some dots about what she had missed, give her his side of the events. She remembered she’d told him that night most of what happened to her, but the memory was far away, she was unsure if she knew more that night, or if he could fill in his side at least. Perhaps it was best to trust her brain though, to allow it to keep hidden what it needed to keep her safe.
“Good morning.” Javier grumbled behind her. She turned to see his soft smiling face. He looked happy, and she remembered her resolution yesterday morning. “Did you sleep ok?” he asked.
“Like a rock,” he said, “the first time in a long time I’ve slept through the night, you must be magic.” he kissed her forehead.
One day, she would have to ask him, open that can of worms, but today, today she would let him have his lone untortured night.
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Monday morning Javier flipped the card in his hand as the phone rung on the other side.
“Hi, its Javier Peña, let me know when a good time would be to meet up.” He told the answering machine.
This was a doozy, I didn't want to break it up though. I hope you like it. I wrote some smutty scenes further down the that are much spicier, bare with me we've almost worked through her trauma around sex, at least to the point where they can have some real fun. Javier's trauma... well he's about 15 years behind her, so it may take some time there, but at least we'll let the poor man bang it out a little soon.
