#pms maybe

[pennywisetherizzfulclown]

Venting on this site of webs I guess

I got accepted into the online course I wanted to do, and it's until December which is cool and I can use the money to get a passport to hopefully visit London one day (I love plays and musicals and I heard mark might be doing one so I want to go). It's in the mornings so it will help fix my fucked up sleeping schedule that's been reversed for like two years and everything is going well but I just feel so sad for some reason :( idk why because nothing bad has happened and I'm afraid it's my depression coming back. I have a few days like these every month but it's usually before my period and this one isn't lmao. I know keeping myself busy will help and starting class tomorrow will help too but I just feel so anxious and empty. Sighs wistfully into my phone, guess I'll keep listening to music and jumping and destroying my achilles tendons (it's my stim and I can't stop doing it even though they hurt lmao)

I wish my stim was doing sit ups or push ups :')

[dykeferatu]

i’m literally chilling why do i want to kill myself 😐

[theparadoxmachine]

I was so twitchy last night I didn't get to sleep until probably after 3 am. I was supposed to be at work at 8 am. I have exactly one brain cell and it is flickering like a dying light bulb.

I did get kitty cuddles last night, even though they were still mad at me for giving them their flea treatment so there's that

[diobrandass]

"Eye roll" is the only emotion I've felt this week, unprompted and I want to bury myself alive

[eldecameronnegro]

I'm so sad and I'm isolating myself

[rashondola]

Current Emotion

Gordon Ramsey on a f*cking rant

[attenti]

dear lord i cant stop crying omg

[lifeaccordingtocrohns]

Two Things:

1) I always seem to wallow in a low mood right before my period is due and it always makes me feel completely helpless and despondent and with an urge to do things I used to do that I didn't do since 2007 but succumbed to a couple of times Nov/Dev 2014. Is this normal? It's like, I really hate myself and think I am a horrible terrible person for about a week and get really sad and low and then I begin to start feeling better and then suddenly for no reason at all I'm low and hating myself a great deal again. Only this time have I realised that this seems to happen like a few days before I get my period. WTF. Or maybe I just genuinely do hate myself and cannot stand to be around me. 2) Families are horrible sometimes and tonight my mums brother said to their sister that he reckons my Nanna won't last until the end of the year, and that she is really sick. We knew she was sick, but like manageable sick. But my uncle also had a tendency to be a goddamn drama queen and blows everything out of proportion. One time when he saw how sick I was in a flare and how much weight I had lost and how I was bed bound, he marched out of my bedroom to go call me an ambulance, and accused my parents of child abuse and not looking after me well enough. So part of me believes him and the other part goes "well he's just being dramatic" but the part of me that believes him.. I don't know. It's just freaking me out and making me question the whole "give up your whole life in New Zealand for one year and move to the other side of the fucking world for no reason at all other than its an amazing opportunity and I want to travel more"... like what if I go and my Nanna does die? I would feel so guilty. And I wouldn't be able to fly back probably. My insurance only covers me for immediate family deaths. I need to check that actually. It might put my mind at rest. But doubts are not good. Not this close to leaving. Any advice on either scenario appreciated. Because currently I loathe myself, am thinking bad thoughts and am half wanting to throw my whole trip in because my Nanna is (possibly) sick and I couldn't cope if anything happened to her when I was away. I'm not a touchy feely person but I need a hug. :(