#polyam advice

[i-am-the-balancing-point]

how do you navigate polyam dating life when you already have a crippling fear of abandonment? but also in general?

[polyintheburbs]

My husband and I are new to polyamory and are very excited to explore this new side of our relationship, but we are also nervous to try to explore too much because we have two young children (under the age of 5). We don’t want to have different partners in and out of our house constantly but we also don’t want to “settle down” so to speak with the first couple that we click well with. (We are looking for a quad type dynamic) Basically I’m just looking for advice from anyone who has raised young children while being in a polyamorous relationship.

Young kids are smart and very observant.

Our partners came out to their kids (now in their 20's) a couple of years ago and one of the kids responded with "I've known since I was 7."

You have two options: you can keep your outside relationships completely away from your house and children until you find a situation that you are comfortable sharing with them; or you can be open and honest from day one and tell your kids that mom and dad are making new friends and that's why there might be some different people around from time to time.

Of course, there are other people that you need to inform as well: the other couples. They may not be comfortable with having small kids around and having to explain how they are your friends. Or they may love it. You won't know until you ask them.

Whatever you decide, know that it won't be a secret for long. When we came out to our kids (also in their late teens), they both said they knew something was up. My daughter said something like "I knew you guys didn't like going to concerts that much." (Our excuse for getting dressed up and saying that we'd be out late was always that we were going to see some band that was playing in a nearby town.)

Good luck and let me know how it goes.

[astraseraph]

Not to soft flex but Supportive relationships are important.

[welcome-to-the-petting-zoo]

Moose, Fox, TP and I, had a meeting with the bank yesterday.

We’ve been sharing parts of our economy for a year, but not in any official capacity so far.

But from January onwards we will have three shared accounts in all of our names. The food account, the budget account (for rent, netflix etc) and a family savings account, where we will sloooooowly try to build up savings in case anything fucks up. (and maybe, some day in the future, for going on holidays and other exciting stuff!)

Sure, banks and economy isn’t the most exciting part of polyamory, but it’s ALSO part of it.

Making sure everyone’s protected is really important. There are asshole banks out there who will refuse to make shared accounts for more than two people, and what-have-you. Don’t be afraid to shop banks, having an accomodating bank can actually make a world of difference.

Sharing all of, or parts of, your economy requires a lot of trust and communication. It’s not something you should jump head-first into. But it can also make life easier and more rewarding!

[polyintheburbs]

New follower here so forgive me because I haven't gone too deep on your page. I am currently in a poly relationship. Married and my wife has a girlfriend. My wife is Bi, but she has health issues that have diminished her sex drive. I am currently looking for a girlfriend myself. I am having trouble getting past the introduction phase with women. I know plenty of women who enjoy being with married men. Its harder to find women who want to be with a married man if his wife knows about. Any advice?

A woman who doesn't want to be with a married man if the wife knows about it is not poly or ethically non-monogamous. Non-monogamy is about open communication among all parties.

How are you meeting the women in the introduction phase? Are you going to bars? Tinder? Maybe change where you are looking. Go to poly-friendly events in your area (Meetup.com usually has a listing). Some swinging groups also have people who are also poly.

Be open about what you are looking for and keep the lines of communication open.

Best of luck to you.

[polyintheburbs]

Hey, I'm currently in a relationship and recently there has been another person that I think I like and I believe he feels the same and it's not like I don't still love my boyfriend but I think I like this new person as well as my boyfriend. Does this mean I'm poly or am I a bad person? I'm not sure how to find out if I am or not and if I am poly I'm not sure on how to bring it up with either one of them. I'm afraid to make my boyfriend feel upset or make him feel insecure or to make the other person feel weird.

Just liking another person while you are in a relationship doesn't make you a bad person. There are plenty (almost all?) of monogamous people who like someone but are not engaged in any kind of relationship with them.

Does this make you poly? Not necessarily. Polyamory is having the belief or open to the possibility of multiple relationships where all involved have knowledge and consent. So if you're open to it, then you can be poly.

There are many resources out there. More Than Two is a book and website with a lot of information. There are several other books. They can give you information on learning about yourself, as well as how to have the conversation with others.

Just be your self. Do what feels right. Be open to others as to your needs.

Good luck. Let me know how things turn out.

[marshy-mallow]

hey so, a while ago you talked about getting cheated on and being polyam

i'm kind of in a similar situation, poly and still cheated on me lmao, so i want to ask, does it get easier?

sorry for the sudden ask, It’s really hard to find people to talk to who aren't either "theres no poly cheating" or "polyamory is inherently cheating" so i wanted to reach out to someone who gets it

okay so every relationship is different. polyam vs mono especially. but a key "that's cheating" is secret relationships. he started dating one of the girls he was talking to that I also flirted with and knew. but he didn't tell me. they have to communicate with you about possible partners if you're already a partner. that's basic respect.

I wish I could say it gets easier, but betrayal is not something that goes away easily. but you can learn from it. When someone agrees to be with you and then pulls secret shit, that's a different level of betrayal that can easily grow bitter. As long as you remember it's not your fault I think you'll manage. It's hard but you can do it.

And you may wanna be in a mono relationship after this and that's okay. I am now. but part of polyam is getting all your needs met even if it is different people, but communication and rules are still needed and if they don't wanna, red flag, bye bitch.

I'm totally available for more questions be it asks or dms. This is not an easy thing to deal with cause too many people find out the hard way their partner claimed polyam just to sleep with multiple people with no repercussions but fail to realize, IT DON'T WORK LIKE THAT. Nor should it.

Time kinda helps i suppose, but having a real support group and stuff can help too. My current partner was one of the first friends I made after everything went down and things kept going downhill. So please remember, it's not you or your fault

you did nothing wrong, they cheated, that's on them. Please remember to be kind to yourself. you deserve that kindness