Blessed Yule!
I have had so many things to be thankful for and experience over 2022. I know, these reflective pieces are usually best scrolled/skipped, so feel free. Consider this your head’s up.
But I want to do it. And I think it’s a good thing to do.
2022 taught me a TON about myself, my heart, and how I love. Specifically, how my own version of #polyamory works and how to make the concepts work best for me.
A little backstory? Sure. I’m new-ish here. —
2020
In the very early part of 2020, right before COVID-19 was to come to the American shores, my then-boyfriend and I took a winter vacation from our perch up in cold, damp Portland, Oregon. We’d been to Palm Springs before, and longed for the warmth of the winter sun down there, and as part of our mutual holiday gift, we booked a stay at a gay nude resort, the last room available in town, so we could attend that year’s International Bear Convergence (IBC). It was going to be a massive event full of a TON of fellas, and while my introverted/anxious self was nervous about the crowds and such, this trip to Palm Springs was going to be different. Hubby and I had opened up our relationship fairly wide in the previous year, exploring sex and fun with others who were not part of our relationship. This trip was going to be another chance for that kind of fun, something my husband definitely wanted to experience. I’m far more comfy going to a quieter, smaller venue and perching on the wall and taking in the crowd, while his fuzzy butt is more apt to be at the center of the dance floor/sex pit/bear pool/etc. I wanted him to be able to experience all that he wanted to, and grant myself the freedom to come and go as I pleased, so we established some basic ground rules. These included signaling to each other if we needed the hotel room, and definitely keeping in communication about each other’s whereabouts and activities. I didn’t care what or who he did, so long as I knew where he was. He wanted me to find my zen and chill, as he knew my job was increasingly stressful on me, and that I’d been squirreling around in some deep anxiety for a while. We came to an agreement, boarded a plane, and had a blast.
During our time down there, I met Rene.
Rene is a local from Palm Springs, and he caught my eye as he was doing what he loves doing most: bootblacking at the leather bar. I watched him from across the space as he would welcome guests to the chair, and pay close attention to their boots, answering questions and bantering with them. While my own shoes were sneakers that day, I caught his eye, and said hello. The flash of excitement in his eyes when I did so remains with me to this day. We swapped numbers, and eventually made plans to meet up at the hotel.
I texted Ray, told him of my scheme, and got his okay to have Rene over.
What transpired was a lovely interaction that included romping around, as well as a really fantastic conversation about polyamory and how it worked for him. Turns out, he’s also part of a poly tribe.
For my part, I’d been reading “Ethical Slut” (3rd edition) while lounging by the pool over the entire weekend, and so I was FILLED with questions and wonder and the like. I’d been toying with the idea of being polyamorous myself, as I was constantly running into an emotional wave of UNF whenever I would meet someone while we were out, but didn’t have a full understanding of what it meant, or how it could apply to my life.
It was Rene, and my husband, who encouraged me to explore this more, and I got permission to both fall in love with Rene, but also come to a better understanding of how Love could really work. It was a watershed moment for me, as the framework of monogamy had been so … ill-fitted on me - forever.
Of course, then Pandemic hit, and traveling to see Rene wasn’t possible. We remained in close contact over text, twitter, and swapped the occasional video and picture. Over time, he’s become one of my best lovers, friends, and motivators to do better and be better for myself, and for the world around me.
—
2021
I found myself, in a world that was still swirling around with spikes in COVID-19 cases and deaths and all the rest, wishing that I could have someone closer to me who actually lived closer to me. It was on a dark night, on a train platform in the cold, when I made a move I’d been wanting to make for some time. I was smoking a cigarette, scrolling through my Scruff app, and came across David.
David agreed to meet me, to both follow through with ideas discussed on the app, but to also get a better sense of who I am. I, like a silly fan girl, swooned. He’s a local DJ here, and I’ve been a big fan of his sound and energy ever since I moved to Portland nearly a decade ago. He’s been in my sights and in my orbit for so many years, but my confidence level to say hello was never there. Turns out, he’s also polyamorous and the moment we met, we knew there was a connection. Shared stories, shared love of music, the ability to be each other’s support through tough stuff, and all the rest, have drawn us close.
He’s seen me through a couple of attempts at expanding my PolyFam, and each time was super supportive and loving partner, full of compersion and joy and reminding me to make and keep time for myself, rather than getting lost in the relationship. He also, fundamentally, helped me find my path with regards to my mental health journey. He helped me understand the power and use of mental health medications, especially when paired with good therapy, and the power of a solid emotional network of connections. We see each other once a week, text often, and while we are both connected deeply with other men at the same time, ours is a unique and joyful bond that has no expectations or pressures and is flexible enough to meet each day anew.
—
2022
The start of the year saw the end of a relationship with a younger man that I thought was going to be a lot more than it turned out to be. Dylan had come into my life in the summer of 2021, and while he lived in Madison, WI, we made long-distance work as best as we could. I made a journey to visit him in Chicago for a lovely weekend, and he came to see me at the start of 2022, but shortly after his return back to Wisconsin, he met someone who needed more of his time and presence. He admitted, after, that polyamory wasn’t something he thought he could manage, and really he was looking for a special someone for himself.
It stung, but it made sense, and we slid from committed couple to something more of an intimate friendship. In time, I cheered the two of them on while they grew together, and the messages between Dylan and myself waned. My heart was heavy, and I still felt like something was missing, so the hunt for that missing part continued.
It was in early April when a young man started showing up more and more in my twitter posts. A slew of likes over a short span of time, over and over again, definitely indicated interest in me. I would click through to see who this man was, and instantly I knew he was a very attractive person who lived thousands of miles away. Having had my fill of long-distance relationships with Dylan, and still recovering from a battered heart, I didn’t respond.
That is, until I did.
David (yes, another one) was this little enigma of a man who was in Philadelphia. He had a small following on Twitter, and had posted a few photos of himself and such, but it wasn’t really clear who he was. One day, in a rush of confidence on my part (probably on an endorphin high from the gym), I finally send him a DM, after seeing his likes and such keep popping up in my notifications.
From there has blossomed something I never really saw coming.
At first, I schemed a trip east, with a stop in Philadelphia to visit with him for a couple of days while I made my way to Provincetown for a getaway at the end of summer. For a while, that was awesome, but it would not turn out to be. Instead, we kept messaging, eventually texting and such, and a flurry of messages kept the conversation rolling. The Boy was clearly interested in me, though I kept my guard up. His beauty and charm was clearly way above my pay grade. His patience with me, his stories, his love of the outdoors, of a quiet life, of older men…all of it really resonated in me.
He was moving to Utah, and needed to get out of Philadelphia. I assumed it was to be near his family.
He told me it was so that he could be closer to me.
Now, the Boy lives in my house. That’s a story that’s still being written.
In the meantime, there was also Cody.
During the summer of 2022, an outbreak of Monkeypox was spreading across the country. Infection rates were high, especially among sexually active gay men, and while we were all waiting for a vaccine to be readily available, my husband contracted the disease.
Sadly, he caught it only a few short days before we were supposed to attend the Above & Beyond Group Therapy Weekender at the Gorge Amphitheater. This was a show that I’d bought tickets for months in advance. We’d been looking forward to it for ages. It was heartbreaking that he would have to quarantine at home, rather than risk spreading any infection to anyone.
Which left me with a spare ticket.
And as I hadn’t contracted hMPX, I was clear to go.
So? I reached out across my burgeoning twitter following to ask if anyone wanted to join me.
And that’s how I met Cody.
We’d been following each other on Twitter for some time, but never really interacted. His use of the app was sporadic at best, but we shared a love of the same music, which had been what initially captured my attention. It was soon to become his wit, charm, personality, and beauty (I mean, let’s be real) that suddenly, and without warning, stole a piece of my heart.
For seven days, he and I camped and shared space together. We talked about things I haven’t shared with anyone in decades. He reconnected me to my love of the metaphysical arts, including tarot and astrology. We watched cloud formations and talked about our pasts, our present, and what we hoped for our future. We cuddled, and snuggled, and learned that our connection was not merely physical, but also spiritual in a sense. We both, in a way, had found in each other someone who would light a spark in our lives.
With daily texting and intention, our relationship has blossomed into something that exists between lovers and friends, and I am so proud to call Cody part of my PolyFam.
—
The whole thing - my whole identity and life - that has come out of me over the last decade or so, however, is because of one person, who is now my husband.
A scruff hookup that became something way, way more than that, that has seen me through so much change and struggle and growth, that I have no idea who I’d be if it were not for their patience, love, joy, and support, Raymond is my Person.
Raymond has been by my side, supporting my changes in habits, lifestyle, diet, the way I think, the way I love, and the way I human for so long. He’s my wing man, my adventure buddy, and my rock. We married in 2020, under the neon lights of the Portland Art Museum that lit up with “Love Rules” even while the world around us showed the scars of turmoil and civil unrest. After Justice Ginsberg passed away, we were well aware that the right to marry, to keep each other safe and secure, was something that might be on the line. I wanted to protect him (and put him on my insurance), but I had one thing he needed to do for me in return.
I asked that he let me continue to love bigger, to be my polyamorous self, and to continue on the journey that I’d started.
Without pause, he said “of course”
Which will always, and forever, make him something more than a husband to me. Ours is a story that is still unfolding as well.
—
As the year turns, again, I need to call out these lovers in my life, with their energy, stability, support, challenges, and undying love of who I am and what I am becoming. I adore each of them, eternally. This family I have made for myself is the family of my childhood dreams, and I can’t imagine my life without them in it, in some capacity.
Blessed Yule, 2022 🪵🕯️🎄
