#possibly did

[confidently-conflicting]

sometimes your head just sounds like a mother mother song, idk

[confidently-conflicting]

[confidently-conflicting]

me: *explains to my therapist how IFS is too much currently and i’m overwhelmed*

trauma therapist: okay! don’t think about it for the next week, try to distract yourself when the thoughts come up. it’s really good that you’re aware of that

me last night: *switched perspectives in my dreams at least two times to people who were Not Me*

me: ....

[confidently-conflicting]

i’m using the following tags for DID/OSDD type stuff:

dissociation (general, catchall)

dissociative amnesia (more related to memory stuff related to dissociation)

osdd

osdd 1b

osdd 1a

possibly did (maybe i am a system? but am i??)

the voices™️ (i know i have voices but.... what are they??? who are they?? are they me?)

internal family system (the trauma therapy i’m in that uses the language of “parts” related to trauma)

this is not to say “well if you can relate to this it’s definitely not DID” but more like me saying “aaah I don’t know what to call it, all these things kinda fit and idk if I have a system”

[confidently-conflicting]

who decided that me, someone who used to (and does?) self diagnos(es) a lot, whose entire identity and memory feels like a ball of confusion, and who can get obsessive and very nit-picky with labels..... being in trauma therapy for internal family systems..... where the therapist asks you what you’re feeling and thinking as you’re processing it in front of them..... and asks you how the other parts who are out feel about that part who’s most expressive and verbal........

who decided this was a good idea?

i’m mad at myself for having bad feelings. and now feeling like i have to figure out what parts (alters??) are talking any time i have feelings.

attention ladies and gentlemen this is the protector part speaking

what if trauma therapy is making it worse and making me more pathological about it?

[confidently-conflicting]

i’ve had my perspective switching a lot in dreams recently, which is weird because mostly in dreams for the past, idk, 10 years, i was always myself

....trying not to think about ifs stuff though..... good thing that’s.... not a thing :,)

[confidently-conflicting]

i talked to my cbff last night, and i told her about my parts/possible alters. and i prefaced it with, “okay so you might think i’m crazy....” and i explained about how i’m in trauma therapy using IFS language (roughly), and how it feels like these “parts” of me have gotten much stronger recently and kind of.... taken over me? i told her it feels like i don’t have a Self, which is something that i talked to my therapist about too.

and my best friend from when i was little, listened. she heard me kinda word vomit (more than i usually do) and i sent her my vent art, and she said, “that sounds like such a scary, disorienting thing.”

it felt so good to talk to her about it. like, i’m pretty sure she doesn’t have DID or OSDD, but it felt so good to talk to her about it because i knew she’d listen, and be supportive and caring, and that she knows me really well and wouldn’t be scared away by it.

[confidently-conflicting]

so uh. i kinda realized why i hadn’t written about my parts. i wrote about regressing to age 15 (?) and it felt really good but now i’m scared and i know i’m not 15, logically, but it doesn’t feel like it. i feel so scared and i don’t know exactly why. i think if people were trying to talk to me right now, i’d be unable to talk

i tried looking up that one graphic about calming down from regressing but i couldn’t find it. if anyone knows what i’m talking about, could you please send it to me?