Ugh, IDK IDK. I just saw a movie and have ~thoughts and need some self-administered therapy (because if someone's gonna be rooting around in my brain, it'll be me, tyvm).
So. Basically things have been popping up about rape again, because it seems I cannot go two weeks without hearing about it or seeing it on TV. And the problem is that once you realize how often it comes up, it seems to do so even more - maybe just because now you're expecting it, like how if you start thinking about how many times people say "um" or "so" it feels like all people ever SAY is "um" or "so"? Either way, this is not something I want to be thinking about obviously but it just keeps reappearing and reminding me that yes, as hard as it is to believe, in the year 2013 rape is still something that actually happens, and that fills me with rage, blind searing irrational rage. Now, I say irrational not because it actually is, but because I have no personal reason for being so invested in this particular issue. I have not been raped, nor do I know anyone who has been, thank whatever powers are avaliable and listening. Yes, I am a woman, but there are tons of issues that concern me , probably more directly than this, so I feel in some weird way that I'm not "allowed" to have feelings on this.
Am I? Allowed to have feelings on this? I feel like I should be, but I do have Aspergers and thus some problems with boundaries and what is socially acceptable. To be honest, if I wasn't allowed, I think I would be weirdly relieved. Pissed too, because I do not like being told what to do/not do, but still also relieved that I didn't have to worry about this anymore. I could go off and find some other cause to rage about - treatment of animals maybe, in a return to my highschool vegetarian days, or neurodiversity - and leave this issue to those better suited to deal with it. Because I am not, suited to deal with it, I readily admit to having the emotional maturity of a 12 year old, and at more than twice that age I've kinda given up on it getting much further. Maybe by the time I'm 60 I'll mentally be 14, IDK, I wouldn't place any bets on it.
And yet. It keeps appearing, sometimes in ways that are as if taunting me to jump in and have a say. Like that debate about rape "jokes" that resurfaces every couple of months, with male comedians quickly jumping in to, in the most douchey way possible, defend their right to say whatever shit they want without being criticized for it or called out on it. I'm an opinionated person to begin with and that's just like waving a red flag in front of my face. And it KEEPS COMING BACK UP. And then there's Game of Thrones, which cannot go two weeks without demeaning women in SOME way or other, and as much as I love that show that is starting to wear me down. Because look, if anything on this earth is my "thing", other than being crazy, then it's entertainment and fiction. That is what I live for, that is the filter through which I see the world - that IS my world. And I've sat through dozens of rounds of "lets blame video games" any time there's a psycho with a gun and shook my head everytime, because (say it with me now) video games does not kill people - people kill people. I still don't think there should be more restrictions on entertainment than actual guns, but happily I live in a country where this is actually the case.
However, it's starting to dawn on me that there might be a problem with fiction, that fiction might be contributing to the problem, and that? Means that I'm part of the problem. And that, obviously, is the exact opposite of what I want to be. I've actually thought a lot lately about what I want for myself, who I want to be and what I want to with my life, basically still rolling on an identity/mid-life* (*=most death clocks/life-length predictors place my death around age 60, given my weight, pessimism and sedentary lifestyle, and I'm about half-way there) crisis I started this winter, and, well ... I don't really have a vested interest in making the world a better place - that's for people with kids to worry about - but I *would* like to make the world of fiction a better place. Because I feel like that is something we should be able to do pretty quickly - culture changes faster than society and laws. (Proof: Insert statistics here about acceptance of gay people in society vs how many countries actually allow gay marriage, I feel pretty confident the numbers will back me up. [Note that I'm not saying mission accomplished or anything - that issue still has a long ways to go still, and nor am I saying it's a perfect analogy, but it's an example of where culture may have had some impact on society's collective thinking.])
I realize this post is all very random and all over the place, but that's kind of the point - I'm trying to figure out what exactly my point is here, other than rape=awful. But it kind of loops back to fiction again, because like I said, I don't know anyone who has been raped - except fictional people. And, probably because of my Aspergers, I've always related more easily to fictional people and felt as strongly for them as any human (except possibly my immediate family), so maybe that's why this is something I care about in the first place? Either way, I think my point is that fiction has the power to impact human society. And especially in this day and age, when the internet allows for a sort of collective world-society as well as the easy spread of various forms of fiction, I think possibly it's irresponsible to just accept fiction as it is, enjoy it as it is, without questioning it and trying to make it better? And, well, I am trying to be more responsible.
It should be noted I have no idea how to go about this, what to do next, whether or not I *should* do anything and if so what, or if I'm even making sense to anyone right now. I'm not even sure if I'm posting this, probably not because I'm a wuss. I just ... would like to do something. I feel guiltier and guiltier every time I watch (or skip past) a rape scene on TV, or automatically laugh at a rape joke on 2 Broke Girls because a lifetime of sitcoms has conditioned me to have that response when hearing a laugh-track. I feel like I'm somehow condoning it not by only being silent, but by appretiating and watching these things. Fiction taught me many a moral lessons growing up, and one that always stuck with me was that doing nothing and saying nothing is as bad as contributing to whatever is happening. If you're not a part of the solution, you're part of the problem. You don't stand idly by.
I feel frustration, apathy and hopelessness start to set in, as it always does when I face the reality and realize what an uphill battle it is to try and change it. Part of me wants to delete this post, shrug, check my usual sites and go to bed, pushing this to the back of my mind until it bobs back up the next time. But I don't know, I did write it all, and I am curious to see what, if any, reaction it might get, so ... on second thought, I think I will post this - but anonymously and on Tumblr (it was originally written for LJ). Atleast then I've done something, however pointless and silly and possibly misguided, which is atleast slightly better than just ignoring the problem and hoping it goes away. Probably, anyway.
