I went to learn cycling, again. My brother wasn't with me. My uncle and aunt doesn't like that he came the other day. You know, I can't do much but was trying. At first I was all motivated and enthusiastic. Then it all felt heavy. Huh! Cause I was tired, and I am lazy inside, I think. I need to push myself harder in every situation, I will check it from now on. The reason why I started learning bike is no more there in existence. I don't like to believe in 'may be's. Or 'let's see'. So, it's getting only harder, every time falling and again standing up with smile with the motivation gone. Physical pain is something you can't ignore that easily. It's presence is very opaque, sometimes tiring. :)
Now , I fell down and I was sitting there like a stupid person. I don't have much hopes, maybe cause in my head my childhood is a horror story. You will not believe, I was just sitting there and it felt like someone punched me in my shoulder. I was so surprised. And hurt, too. I do behave so childish sometimes. It quite brought me tears, you know. I mean, out of nowhere. :) It was a mango. Fell from the tree. I take all these little things as endless source of joy.
And today I realised something. I have always felt like I am Cringy, I am nagging, or asked myself thousands of times if I am behaving like a desperate person. And all these , you know, all these things are wrong inside my head. I never knew how the other person is thinking. That way they became all my existence in a very selfish way. Cause all the time I wasn't thinking about them in a way of their well being and stuff , I was thinking about people but more about their judgements.
But all what is true or what seems to be true is only that I find joy in so many little things.. like music, words, stars, or just gliding this bike these days, or that awesome mango that tastes like 'Lyangra'. Have you ever had Lyangra aam? :) It's the only type of mango that I do eat. You will find it awesome. And, If you don't believe then you can ask my mom about it. Look, so much stuffs happen to me, or I do always feel like it , that universe is always making me a part of its plans :) and all I wanted is to share all these with all those people. I never knew how to enjoy alone. I don't even know now. Still, I felt the urge to say everything to you. Write everything to you. But I will learn that in my way, too. I will learn how to just enjoy it. Like until now I never used to share it with others cause I never felt like they can be a part of it. But from now on, I will not fake it, I will just learn how to enjoy it without the world. I am not going to die soon. I have time to learn yet. :) Good night.