Hey there!
I enjoy reading this blog. Could you help me find resources or how to just practice loving detachment in relationships. I find uncertainty unbearable and I know it's something that I have to accept and learn. Acceptance, instability, uncertainty is extremely extremely hard for me to deal with. Could you help?
Most people would blame their partner for not making them feel secure enough. You didn't.
By recognizing the real location of the problem—inside you—you’ve already positioned yourself to actually do something about it. Even better, you haven’t made it part of your identity or regard it as just "how I am." You acknowledge the difficulty yet also see it's workable.
So I just want to highlight something you might have overlooked: You’ve already taken some of the hardest, most crucial steps. The kind that most people never even reach. You've taken responsibility.
Now, what's the real issue? It's not what you may think...
You’re not suffering from uncertainty. You’re suffering from your demand for certainty.
You haven't yet found a sense of rootedness independent of external circumstances, so unconsciously you're seeking stability through your relationship. Interestingly, there's wisdom in this intuition, but ignorance misdirects it.
The source of genuine rootedness (peace) is also the source of genuine love. However, this source isn't the object of your love, although we frequently confuse the two. Love originates where it is experienced: within yourself.
Fortunately, you are not the first person to struggle with this problem. There are multiple pathways left by those who have worked through similar circumstances, and there are methods and techniques available to assist you.
Here are a few books I recommend to help you along the way.
First book: The Places That Scare You by Pema Chodron. This is a short book but can be very difficult to read. Not because it is complex but because it is uncomfortable. The book will draw your attention towards all the parts of yourself that make you cringe, that you have tried to ignore. And it will help you to be free despite all of that.
Second book: I would recommend a book by Judith Blackstone, as her teachings will anchor these insights into tangible, embodied experiences. Two of her books come to mind--Belonging Here and Trauma and the Unbound Body. I think either could be helpful, or any of her books really. Take a look and see which speaks to you.
Third book: I always recommend this one because I think it just does a fantastic job of introducing the overall View of Reality in a relatable and discernible manner. The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I listed this third because I think it would be a nice addition after already reading the first two.
Lastly, some parting advice:
The way forward will be an ongoing practice and process.
Over and over again you will have to choose between comfort and freedom. So long as you choose freedom more often than you choose comfort, you will continue to progress in freeing yourself.
Learn to recognize discomfort as a signal for where inner work awaits.
Your immediate next step is learning how to stay. Our instinct when facing uncertainty or insecurity is to grasp for certainty and stability—often in confused and unhelpful ways. Before becoming free from these struggles, you must first learn to stay present with them. Only then will you truly see them clearly.
May you be free, my friend.
Much love.
LY
