#pretavent

[pretabird]

If I let you know about someone's abusive actions and you stay with them anyway then I hope you reach such a low point that it MAKES you leave and move on to something less painful. That's up to y'all tho.

I'll learn what NOT to do by baring witness.

[pretabird]

Welp... Turns out I have mold somewhere in my place. This neighborhood is notorious for black mold and a SHITTY office management (which seems all too common now a days).

I've livedin this particular apphere for 3 years and have been noticing a steady decline of my health. I found myself spending more time outside or at folks house(sometimes too long honestly) than home. I'm really confused at the time and my joints have been getting worse. I found myself struggling to dance too! AND I LOVE DANCING!! It's been weighing so so so heavily on me and after having a chat with an old neighbor who told me she felt better after moving out I find myself in an obvious state of illness. MOLD TOXICITY IS NO JOKE!!

Tomorrow (praise Spirit) I'll be going to the doctor's to get an OFFICIAL diagnosis but as of right now I am extremely certain it's mold.

[pretabird]

I don't like that I have to figure this out by myself.

I know that everyone is here figuring it out for the first time as well.

That doesn't make me feel better.

The only one who knows best is God. No planning, plotting, or thinking.

Just feeling and doing. Chronically present even through disappointment and despair.

Tired, tired, tired...

As much as I wish to do better, I acknowledge I'm doing my best.

The people around me are doing their best even when I have a strong conflicted feeling about their efforts

I return to myself and the people that hold me best.

[pretabird]

I need to take a break from people. Recenter myself and my home.

It's so easy to lose yourself in a momentum of things. Especially with depression.

Our birthday went OKAY. Just OKAY. There were a lot of people saying all these plans only for something else to come up. I'm not mad though because I didn't really plan anything either. This year in particular has had my people jaded and EXHAUSTED!!

And with a grain of salt I say that my friend groups need to be analyzed. "Are these connections I want to be in and associate myself with?" Do they care about me the way I care about them? Do they have the strength to handle things?" I need to really ponder this.

Thorn and I have been having some distance and space but when we meet it's pretty good. The type of connection right now where we can go sometime without talking. After a break I think- AND I JUST GOT WEED TO SMOKE DURING MY SOCIAL BREAK BROOO. Hearth BETTER bring me my tree brooo you said you would so let's get it done.

[pretabird]

I fear the opportunity of letting go

I fear never being loved enough

I fear never feeling romantic love

I fear being made a fool of

I fear being dramatic and exaggerated

I fear never being able to let go

I fear laughing in a empty room

I fear never having a telephone partner

I fear holding my breath

I fear never knowing what it's like to breathe

I fear knowing what's wrong

I fear not knowing enough

I fear knowing when to leave

I fear looking up

I fear looking down

I see fear when I look around

Fear, fear, fear

That's all I can seem to say, think, and see. Branded behind my glowing red eyelids

The air is heavy, smelly, rotten. It sticks to my skin like polyurethane glue.

How, when, and why did it get so bad?

So fast. Blink and you'll miss it.

[pretabird]

Who knew being yourself would be so... Strange.

I find myself surrounded by people who don't really fuck with me. Like they speak with underlying feelings and insecurity.

Me showing up as (imo) all people should - with authenticity - has put 2 targets on my back. 1. those that vibe, vibe 2. Those that don't don't.

You can sit there FUMING over me being a burnt out gifted kid while I sit here ACTIVELY practicing emotional regulation. Please continue to EMBARRASS yourself. I love to see weak ass bitches struggle because they think they can bulldoze over everyone else. Next thing you know you're completely alone with your self-fulfilling prophecy and I'm sun bathing in my sunroom attached to my house with a loving ma and 3 kits on the way. Living my best life.

There are so many people SO MANY PEOPLE praising me for doing the work that they NEED to be doing. At first it felt nice to have my effort acknowledged - and it still is - but the more I hear it the more I see just how many other people aren't doing anything. They wallow in their self-pity and pessimism then wonder why they have reaccuring issues

Hindsight is one hell of a drug.

All evil eye that gets sent my way is transmuted into fuel for me to live the life of my dreams. Stable, secure, and consistent. A state of genuine rest

Every inaccurate whisper strengthens my discernment and adds to my beauty. My light shines brighter and hotter than before.

Every known judgement(direct or indirect) is transmuted into confidence and power. I will never be able to be perceived as "weak" even in my lowest state.

If you were struggling before you're in for a BIG surprise. May the people see you for who you truly are and if YOU don't like that, that's something for YOU to figure out.

Just in time for a Scorpio sun, moon, mars, and mercury bitch. No more hiding.

Ase

[pretabird]

If I said the man I was "losing my mind to" was not the one, Id be right.

I had been podering over this man for a couple weeks but the pattern resembled my last relationship. Not violent or abusive but inconsistent. Repeating platonic too that hurt my heart. Time to let go.

Cus I'm like truly the type id connect to is someone I see on a frequent\recurring basis. I would be IMMEDIATELY allowed to have a flowing conversation regardless of the distance.

Spirit is delightfully crafty. Hiding a proper suitor amongst the other suitors. Handling me with patience and care. The confusion I entered by my own accord(consciously or not) squeezed me through an uncomfortable tunnel that came to a burst of clarity. I learned a lot about myself yet again. In said birst of clarity I was told to check my alt account on insta and do some... Scorpio Sleuthing.. and followed his account. We participate in the same hobby that meets up fairly regularly so we'll see.

Keeping my mind as flexible as possible

[pretabird]

I'm trying to hold out hope...

Something I haven't felt like doing in a while.

It scares me...

The feelings that bubble up

Perceived disappointment, rejection, embarrassment.

I don't know if I should run with the pressure or run away from it.

There is a guy I'm... Interested in. As friends that lead to something else. The slow build into something grand. It seems so sweet and at least feels needed right now.

I've been in a similar position before. I meet a guy, I "fall" for him, he abuses me, I hope he changes, then he makes me leave or leaves himself. Abandonment over and over and over... All because of them. All because I didn't know better.

Now my brain associates this delightful feeling of interest as a doomsday device. If I allow myself I'll be made a fool out of... embarrassed and humiliated because I "knew better".

"I knew better than to find someone interesting. This pain i feel is all my fault because I decided to trust again. What was it? His laugh, eyes, hair, his ride? Or was it the plans we spoke of, interests we share, his knowledge and skills. He never wanted to talk to you, you imposed yourself... Again. I told you this would happen. Look at you crying all alone. This wouldn't happen if you could just let go. He doesn't pl-"

Enough enough... Please. I'm allowed to want connection even when it's scary. I'm a full grown mature adult who is a lover to my core. Romance, platonics, even familial are simple boxes that I flip through. I love love. I love being with love more than people because even when I'm convinced people are shit I still find myself with love. It hurts, it burns, blisters even, and yet I still choose love. The love of forming and maintaining connections. The love of exploring the people, places, things, and ideas that I find myself involved with. I'm allowed to have my heartbroken if it means I can move on. Heartbreak is unavoidable to a child that loves love. At least I'm not a child anymore.

I ask the Holy Spirit, denevolent spirits, ansestors, Mother and Father, Oya and Oshun, Ganesh, my guardian angel and my highest self to aid me in achieve a resolution. Allow me the necessary freedom to move in joy, grace, honor, and confidence. Lend me the strength and patience to see this phase through. I demand to see the sun and feel the breeze, taste my food and pass it with ease. I demand to sleep in clean clothes on a clean bed. I demand for more in my life. More money, peace, romance, love, rest, safety, security, trust, cooperation, and prosperity. I am everything I need but I want more. Grant me this

Ase