#private therapy

[mycptsdstory]

You know before I would start arguments because I would have feelings that randomly just come up. I couldn’t focus on anything, until I have a huge go at the person (normally I would start with my family).

I know I need to move on from the past, but that’s so hard to do. I know I cannot do this on my own, no matter how many prayers, or blessings I have; I know I need therapy to help me move on. Move on from the past.

Then there’s like emotional flashbacks where a lot of the times people think I will hurt them because my mother hurt them in some way. That hurts, because I’m not my mother nor my family. My therapist said because I hate my mother so much, I refuse to be like her. My own therapist said that. Like any hobbies she likes, I do the opposite, any fashion she likes, again I will do the opposite and any opinions she agrees with, again I will do the opposite. When I say I don’t want to be like my mother, I will do anything the exact opposite for my mother and my family do.

I know I need to move on from the past, I know I need to move on from the all the comments that people said about me; but I know I can’t do it alone. I need help, my therapist said she will help me with that.

[mycptsdstory]

If you want to know more a bit about me, this is me in a nutshell. I wouldn’t say I’m shy, but in certain situations I’m extremely anxious. To a point I’m overly polite and nice and it comes across as creepy because I’ve said this on my blog, I didn’t want people to know my vunerabilty. I would either be way to freaking happy or way to quiet, since I grew up in a dysfunctional family home, I never knew how to do emotions.

I am an introvert but I’m not shy, if I had the chance to stay home all day and not go out, I will. Now that I’m living on my own in my flat, I feel safer. I love being in my flat because I do feel comfortable. When I was living with my family, I hated staying there so any chance of me getting out, I took it and stayed out. For years I thought I was an extrovert because of that reason and I know not many people will understand that. I only recently found that out.

The situations where I was anxious is when I see people with loving families and I don’t know how to deal with that or what to do. So I just freeze and smile and I didn’t know I was being creepy, it’s me hiding my emotions when I feel uncomfortable. So when people saw that, thought something was wrong with me, but they never had a dysfunctional family where they get abused, beaten, raped, being hated and ridiculed. So when I see something that’s opposite, I get jealous and I freeze. I don’t want jealously get the better of me, I don’t want to hurt people. So I just smile, pretending everything is fine in my head, but inside I’m quivering, shaking and scared. Like “what the fuck do I do in this situation?”.

Normally in the past people hated me because they believed my family. The fell for my mothers manipulation and they hate me for it. BUT when I see people who generally care, I freeze and again I smile. Like “everything is okay”, a lot of the times I blame myself for people liking me and trying to be friendly. So many times I had to start a new life, with new friends because people believed my family and my mother. Now, that has never happened, now I freeze and smile. It’s all I can do because I’m terrified to make new friends and I can keep them this time. I normally shut down and freeze and smile but it’s hard to get out of that habit.

So now you know a little bit about me. I wish I can share this to certain people because they think I’m weird when I smile and freeze. But this is why I hate gossiping, you never know what’s going on inside their head. I don’t like to share info but I know I need to be more open and if they don’t like that, well that’s their problem. This is me trying to fix myself to become the best person I can be. It’s hard, but I’m getting there. I know I’m not perfect in anyway, but I’m trying to be the best person I can be.

[mycptsdstory]

I wish I had a decent nights sleep for once. But sadly I didn’t, nightmares all night and I don’t remember much of them. I feel like I had no sleep, I’m so tired and my body is so achy. Like I ran a marathon or something, or like I’ve been going to gym all day.

My therapist said that I didn’t go into my deep sleep. Deep sleep is meaning, good sleep. So she said my brain is trying to remember what happened in the past and trying to piece something together that happened in the past. Meaning, I’m gonna have another flashback. Ggrrreeaaaatttt.... more memories I don’t want to remember.

[cerev1ty]

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[cerev1ty]

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[c3nobit3s]

My *former* private therapist was nice, but last time I saw her I felt she didn't take me seriously and is too curious about *him* more than anything. She even wanted to see a photo of him before which I found a bit weird. To her, my attachment to him and me and him staying in touch seems to be like a soap opera and she wants to know what happens next. Last time I wanted to talk about my fears and what has happened to me so I was frustrated. Recently she sent me some kind of text which I thought had not much to do with what I have previously sent her and felt like she was suddenly cold and not very caring. I get that even professionals like her go through things in life, but showing care when someone is not feeling that great can really make a difference. That day I felt quite low and hopeless and all because of her message..So, I am unsure if I should see her again or not..

[hts12345]

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[mycptsdstory]

How where did u find ur private therapist pls

Here's the website; https://www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists

IF you live in the UK, England 🇬🇧 here's the website I found. There are thousands on the website and you can easily find some in your area. You can text them or call them to get in touch. Some come to your home, some you can go to their office or some (like me because the pandemic changed everything), some do video call.

Please ask for the price tho, because every therapist has a different price for the session.

BACP stands for British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy.

Basically, every therapist on that website has to and I mean HAS TO have a license for doing therapy.

I hope this helps 🥰

EDIT; the link didn't work lol. Here's the link