#probably depression

[like-dandelions-in-the-wind]

bruv i'm so fucking tired omg

like i have so much homework but i legit just want to rot in bed for an indefinite amount of time wtf

[h2llish]

im trying to write but i wrote a paragraph and immediately felt drained

[4thavenuecafe]

Man I love to sleep so much and turns out that's depression.

[mcfiddlestan]

Y’all can ignore this post. I’m kind of just purging thoughts.

So I finally got my insurance/doctor situation managed. I saw a doctor in late February and, ofc, they ordered a bunch of other appts for me bc I haven’t been checked out by a doctor — aside from injuries — for more than a decade. So I have/had appts scheduled for a Pap smear (my first, so that was a yikes day), mammogram (not looking forward to this), an EKG to check where my heart murmur is at and if I still need to medicate before seeing the dentist. I had to do this when I was a kid. Six pills of whatever meds before and four more after. Bc apparently whatever they use at the dentist, even for a regular cleaning, can kill me bc of my heart murmur (I was born with a small hole in my heart.) And after the Pap smear, I now have a pelvic ultrasound scheduled bc I have super painful cramps on one side that the NP wants to check out.

Anyway, part of the first exam was a mental health check, and I guess some of my answers sent up a red flag. Right away that day, the doc prescribed me anxiety meds. A month’s worth. When I had a week’s amount left, I called for a refill but I have to have a follow up before I can get it. (After this I can get refills with no issues.) I also started weekly sessions with a therapist which have been AMAZING. Just getting out of the house for a couple hours (I’m a stay at home caregiver for my dad — and my mom before she passed) and talking to someone who’s putting my needs and mental health first is kind of awesome. Anyway, I ran out of my meds a week and a half ago and don’t have the follow up until the 19th. Last week I was fine. Didn’t feel any different. This week tho… hoo boy. 😮‍💨

On Monday my sister gifted me and my brother a gorgeous 5x7 frame of a collage of family pix. So I look at that whenever I miss my Mom. But it seemed to trigger something in me. Stressed and on edge the next couple days it hit me bad on Thursday. Tv shows with storylines featuring a lost parent kept setting me off. I sobbed like four times off and on all day. When I recalled my day to my sister that night, my dad was just sitting there and snickering here and there. I ignored him bc it’s something he’s done a lot. Today, he and I didn’t interact all day, until dinner time. And he copped an attitude right away — he did it again like ten minutes later with my brother and a yelling match ensued. Immediately I was on edge. Then a stupid thing set me off and I had to leave the dinner table. I’ve been in my bedroom for almost an hour sobbing.

All this word vomit to say, my anxiety meds have worked wonders and I need the 19th to hurry up and come.

[beepidybeepyousadfuck]

Memes that represents my mood basically every day but especially today

[empressbergeron]

I am not boring.

I am merely a creature of refined habits.

[ghostiesonfilm]

me trying to figure out if i have no energy because a spirit is draining me or because depression

[chubbyreaderchan]

I am in the i want to write but I don’t want to write mood again.... whyyyy