He doesn't care that my heart could break without him. He says he wants me to be happy. That he cares about me and wants me to be happy. Doesn't he know that he is what I want. He can make me happy. It can be so simple. He says he wants what's best for me. But if he truly felt that, if he wasn't lying, he wouldn't brush it off. He wouldn't make it sound like I could be with someone else. That I could be without him. That I would even want to. Or that I could be happy alone when I've already had a taste of him and everything he had so lovingly and eagerly given to me before the world split in two and separated us a further distance than just Ontario and Florida. There are days that I'm so angry. But I try not to be. There are days where I am so sad. But I try not to be. I am always grieving. I want so much to be the happy person that I was before. I didn't ask for any of this. I didn't want any of this. I avoided everything having to do with it. I was so careful. But I was given it. I was given it and in the beginning, it was so good. And then it was taken back. Ripped away from me. Life, joking with me. And now I'm just supposed to be happy. But I find myself crying at 1:41 PM, in my mother's office at work. To myself. Hysterically. Silently. By myself. Just the way he made me feel. And it feels like God isn't listening to my prayers. As much as I cry out to Him for help. To ease this pain. To make me forget. To pull me out of this mud and mire that I didn't ask for. But nothing is happening. It feels like nothing is happening and it was so fine before. I was so fine. And now I am broken, wondering when I will finally heal and forget about all this. When will I have traversed enough time to put enough distance between me and these emotions that tear through my muscle and bone. I have never known so much anguish. I have never known this much grief.
Yet I feel so much urgency. Like if I continue to feel this, if I continue to stay in these feelings, I'm elongating this process God has me going through. I'm postponing the blessings. But I don't know how to heal any faster. I don't know how to be ok.
