#psych log

[dissociacrip]

when the kind of "undiagnosed adhd" people talk about like forgetting their keys or whatever

god you people piss me off

i was professionally diagnosed at age 8, i don't take care of myself, i don't take care of my living space, my life is an absolutely disorganized mess because of my ADHD

but every time i accidentally lock my keys in my car, every time i lose my wallet, every time i lock myself out of my apartment, i almost always end up having a goddamn crying screaming panic attack because i've always been clamoring for a support network and now i have to scramble to get ahold of someone at 12am or something who can pick me up or help me get into my car or help me get into my apartment

having to have other people in your life to help you compensate for your memory problems is scary because if those people are out of reach? you're fucked

"forgetting their keys or whatever" sure, if you say it like that, then memory issues affecting your ability to keep track of certain items suddenly aren't a major life problem! poof! it's like magic, it's suddenly no longer a big deal that i leave the stove on while away from home for hours at a time, that i forget about important medical appointments, that i forget to pay my bills and have my utilities shut off and have to shell out more money than i already did due to late fees - forgetfulness? minor!

stop trivializing common facets of a disorder that can be incredibly disabling because you're so dead-set on making out your situation to be worse, especially when it comes to ADHD, i swear to fucking god

[dissociacrip]

sometimes i can tell someone else is also autistic because we'll get into arguments about the most unimportant and minimal stuff because both of us operate from a perspective of needing exactness, & most of the time that's very frustrating and potentially damaging to our relationship rather than "charisma," it even happens with my boyf sometime & other autistic people that i tend to get along with overall

so the "autistic people inherently get along with each other well" thing is just...not really true esp when you take into account how LSN folks can mistreat HSN folks in various ways and how some aspects of other people's autism can set other autistic people off (which is a big part of why me and my younger brother fought so much growing up, and for context he has even less support needs than i do & is overall better at functioning socially)

[dissociacrip]

the fact i can't look after myself how i'm expected to makes me feel like a failure and disgusting and not trying hard enough

i want to have a clean living space, i want to have meals, i want to be clean myself

but no matter what "tricks" i try or w/e my sink still ends up full of dirty dishes for days on end, my floor still gets disgusting, my clothes still sit unwashed, my bathroom builds up gunk, i only shower maybe 2x a week if i'm lucky

i always think there's gonna be some turnaround but i straight-up can't do this on my own

not even getting beaten or screamed at "fixed" this problem

i'm not even depressed i just can't keep track of all of it no matter what meds i'm on or anything

i hate it

[dissociacrip]

if you call complex dissociative disorders "maladaptive plurality" please dni like "plurality" is not a universal descriptor it is a label for a particular experience that not all people with complex dissociative disorders identify with and shouldn't be assumed as the default, i'm going to die on this hill if i have to because people are ignorant of plurality's history as a term and as a movement and its relationship to complex dissociative disorders

i am not "plural" and i'm definitely not "maladaptive plural," stop shoving people under umbrella terms when they don't want to be there because you're intent on projecting an experience onto them that they don't have

[dissociacrip]

definitely didn't just have a moral ocd episode over living in the imperial core

but also i can tell when the midodrine is kicking in because it makes patches of my skin buzz but in a way that feels like it's trying to tickle me instead of something unpleasant

[dissociacrip]

but also at least with the former GM she wasn't fucking there all the time lmao this guy never leaves so i always feel like i'm walking on eggshells

[dissociacrip]

some of it is the hunger maybe but started having a silent meltdown at the end of my shift today because no matter how to the letter i try to be at this job there is always something my general manager is correcting me on and when it seems like someone only ever notices what you're doing wrong and not the monumental effort you're having to put forth to do things right and also make up for what your co-workers aren't doing at the same time i start feeling like everything i'm doing is potentially wrong and that i have to walk on eggshells because i start questioning what i know about how to do my job and this includes a comment he made this morning after he was 30 minutes late that implied i'd been sitting around at home when in fact i was in the parking lot until he got there and had been there for like 20 minutes and i couldn't contest that because i didn't understand what he said until like 10 minutes later

i've also been working with my shoulder and back injury for weeks as the only person doing my job, nobody else that he's hired for food prep has stayed

but thinking about the fact he's so casual heehee haha jokey with seemingly everyone but me is what triggered me today like i don't even want much i just want to be left alone or told that i'm doing good work for once or fucking something positive instead of only noticing what i'm doing wrong, but if i know anything it's that it doesn't matter how hard you work what matters is how likable you are and if you're an autistic freak like me then the only thing you are is "difficult"

there's a reason i keep my goddamn earbuds in and try to hide them from him because if i'm not listening to podcasts or something i start thinking about every single bad things that's happened to me and i start thinking about things like this and then i have a meltdown

i mean, at least he's not trying to starve me to death like the last one did

[dissociacrip]

i hope whoever makes those stupid "childhood trauma" test ads chokes like thanks for subjecting me to triggering audio of a child screaming!! kill yourself