Understanding Beauty (College Essay)
The most intriguing quote I've heard is by Gandhi, it goes “whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.” Short, simple, very contradicting, but for some reason I can very much validate with it. I believe I will spend the rest of my life trying to understand it fully, just like I try to understand myself, and every other person I meet in this life.
Growing up I had never been able to blend with a certain “group” of people. But I was never an outsider, just more of a person looking in on everyone else, observing others. I always tried to understand why things were the way they were when I was little, I still do. I tried so hard to understand everything and feel everything, at times it became extreme. I called this my gift. My teachers, parents and doctors called this bipolar disorder, or my “curse”. This made life in my eyes the most beautiful thing, or the most awful thing. Although, the awful things could never take away from those beautiful moments.
When I started high school I was beyond excited. Also, overwhelmed, anxious, restless and a little bit nauseous to be honest. At first, time started to go by pretty fast. I made new friends, got very involved in choir, and did school activities. But slowly all the stress started to build up. Time began to slow down, or almost stop. I began to feel the beauty of life drifting away from my mind. Whenever I would try to think I would hear my thoughts race. The combination of stress at home, school work, anxiety about being around people, and so many other things that were going on began to build up. Suddenly everything stopped. At that moment, there was no beauty left in my life. At that moment, I lost myself.
I found myself in Childrens Psychiatric Hospital. I felt like the hospital is where society decided to put its broken children. They also gave us different labels to describe why we were all broke such as anorexia, OCD, depression, bipolar-disorder, a slur of personality disorders and many other labels. At first I was concerned about fitting in, as I always am, but then I came to realize that no one person was a like. We didn’t get to see our families much, some weren’t even allowed to because their parents were abusive, so we became eachothers family. I have never felt such profound love for a group of human beings I had just met in my entire life. We we’re like the lost boys from Peter Pan, but only in real life.
Towards the end of my stay I began to notice that almost all of my hospital family members excelled exceptionally well in some of the activities. We got to do art, yoga, P.E., and my favorite, music class. On one of the last days of my stay at Children’s we attended music class, this day we all got to pick an instrument and play it for the class. I chose the piano because I knew how to play a few songs. We went around the circle and when it finally came to me, my nurse suggested I sing also, since she knew I was in choir. I got very nervous when she said this because it was the first time I had ever sang alone in front of a group of people, but for some reason I felt safe. I sang and played on the piano Creep by Radiohead. After I finished singing I saw tear roll down the side of my nurses cheek, it was the first time in my life that I felt like I did something very well, enough to impact someone else's life. All my friends stood and clapped. Life began to have beauty again.
Since my stay at the hospital I have still dealt with downsides to my disease, but it can only make me stronger and wiser. The one thing that my experience did make me realize was that I do have a gift. I have the gift of understanding people, being able to relate to them, and wanting to help them. I am determined to spend the rest of my life helping and counselling these “broken” children to believe that they are gifted, not flawed. Every human deserves to believe they have a profound purpose on this planet, and nothing less.
To me the quote “whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it” was defined by my experience in life. That one small act of kindness, although insignificant at the time, can cause a chain reaction. That is very crucial to humanity as a whole in my opinion. So that must mean that one life spent helping people find a purpose can cause another lifetime of happiness, and if that is true then I want to devote my entire existence to studying psychology and helping people like me, so those people can help other people. The possibilities of my life and a career in psychology are endless. All I must do is apply myself. I believe Gandhi would agree with me.