#psychological notes

[er-cryptid]

Approaches in Psychology

[sunnyonline]

Refrained from texting a friend to ask for a normal conversation because it's 1:30 AM on a week night and I dread the thought of them already being asleep. The thought of having to then go through the morning-after "Hey, I saw a notification [of a deleted message]"/"Hey, I missed your text, etc." feels embarrassing, just the thought of it, because whether I play it off like it's alright or make a mention of what was going on, either way, I'm giving them reason to feel, like, concerned, and potentially changing our relationship.

But then... I think being left to handle everything on my own, that hasn't been good for me, even if I've had to, due to bad advice, or people being unable to help me or be involved, or people wanting to use me, influence me in a certain direction. And everyone has their own motivations, of course, but it seems to me I can be pretty fucking near to altruistic. I offer advice, and I've tried to keep an eye on my words and the power of suggestion, I check in with people. I fucking give a shit, and I can be pro-social.

Maybe - I project this competence, this confidence - a very common characteristic people use to describe me is "intelligent", or similar - friend of mine once referred to me as a "scholar", it's comfortable for me, but maybe - Maybe, it would benefit me, to allow myself to be seen as - by some people, by those I choose to allow to see me in that way, allow myself to admit I would like someone else's help. Vulnerability wasn't something I felt I could have, as a kid. I still don't like it, so let's not call it that. Call it strategic. It can benefit me, psychologically, to receive, and engage with, another's company or assistance. We are social beings, us humans. We have asked one another for company and help and assistance and kindness and mercy, for a very long time.

Hm..

[bx82beta]

I was trained in traditional visual arts. Not out of love—but because the system demanded output, and I happened to be efficient. Eight hours a day. Every day. No surprise: I got into the “optimal choice.” Then I threw all my works into the trash. They were never mine. They were just uniforms sewn to teach obedience. I didn’t make them to be seen. That was never the point.

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