Brian Kinney: Why is he like this?? (attachment theory edition / part 1)
So, I've been obsessively collecting qaf meta ever since I came here a few months ago, but ultimately the thing that explained almost everything about why Brian does what he does, why he is the way he is, and why his and Justin’s relationship works, was Attachment Theory (particularly David J. Wallin’s book Attachment in Psychotherapy which is fantastic even if you’re neither a therapist nor in therapy). And now it makes up 80% of my headcanon. So have a seat because I'm about to wikileak all my research.
This post got very long as usual, so I’m splitting it into two parts.
Disclaimer: This is obviously not a scientific article and I am neither a psychologist nor an expert in Attachment Theory, so don't take this with more seriousness than a tumblr analysis deserves. If you find a factual error, let me know. If you want to learn more about attachment theory, Wallin’s book is great!
Attachment style in the smallest nutshell
Our attachment style reflects not just the way we form relationships with others, but also our capability to process our own emotions and needs, our self-perception and life experience.
Brian has a predominantly avoidant attachment style, which develops in children who are emotionally neglected or rejected by their primary attachment figure (usually the mother). Brian's avoidant attachment style means that he is pathologically independent and it’s really difficult for him to be emotionally open with people and to form secure, trusting, close relationships with anyone. It also means that Brian is terrible at feeling, understanding and dealing with his own emotions, especially those related to attachment and those that are painful, so most of the time he just denies or suppresses them.
Attachment style forms in very early childhood and is believed to be mostly constant throughout life, although some factors can change it, e.g.:
therapy,
trauma,
the relationship with parents changing, e.g. a parent dying, leaving or developing a mental illness,
forming new consistent attachment relationships and developing new emotional patterns.
Brian’s childhood and emotional development
We don't know everything about Brian's childhood, but we can make some guesses based on his allusions or by interpreting his adult behavior.
@thoughtsickles wrote a beautiful post about it.
I imagine baby Brian was often left on his own when he needed soothing (if anyone would let her baby “cry it out” it would be Joan Kinney) and when they interacted, Joan wasn’t emotionally attuned to him. I can see an echo of that when they interact on the show - it’s like each of them is in a separate bubble. They talk next to each other rather than with each other. Each of them wants to be heard or get a reaction, but neither wants to hear the other out. Now compare them to Justin’s scenes with Jennifer.
Infants and toddlers learn their own emotions when the attachment figure (e.g. mother) acknowledges their emotional states and responds to them in an attuned way. For example, smiling when the baby is smiling, mirroring and soothing the baby’s sadness, or reassuring when the baby is scared. This is called co-regulating and these experiences teach the child how to self-regulate and how to build a connection with others. If Brian didn’t have that, he had to develop his own, dysfunctional ways to suppress his overwhelming or threatening emotional states (fear, pain, sadness, loneliness, etc.) in order to function. He also learned that he can’t count on anyone else for help or comfort. And quite possibly, he was also punished or isolated for showing anger, pain, weakness, complaining or crying.
And while arguably Brian had an opportunity to learn more secure and nurturing patterns with Debbie and Michael, we don’t know how much they actually helped him, how consistent they were in their support, and it also all started late in Brian’s development, so it was already filtered through layers of his emotional dysfunction and distrustful worldview.
We also know that Brian was abused by his father and - as far as he remembers it - his mother failed to protect him. We don’t know exactly what Brian’s relationship was with Jack. Even though I believe it was closer than the one he had with Joan, I don’t believe Brian ever relied on Jack for safety or emotional support, so my guess is that he had no positive effect on Brian’s attachment style.
Brian’s avoidant attachment style manifests in many tragic ways, both internal and external:
Part 1: Brian’s emotional avoidance and relationship with himself
“Just don’t think about it.”
Brian suppresses and dissociates from difficult emotions (through denial, distraction, drugs, alcohol and sex) rather than feeling and processing them, because otherwise they would overwhelm him - his ability to handle difficult feelings never fully developed.
Suppressing difficult emotions doesn’t get rid of them, it just pushes them out of consciousness. They still run in his nervous system, causing him pain and discomfort, and his emotional needs remain unaddressed.
The only difficult emotion Brian engages in is anger, but it also overwhelms him. When he gets angry, he gets enraged and he lashes out. He had a lot of experience with anger at the Kinney family home, where it was common and maybe even respected, as a show of "strength." And I’ll bet you nobody there knew how to manage it in a functional way.
Expressing anger allows you to physically release some of the tension and pain that's built up inside, so at some level it feels good and can be helpful. But if you don’t know how to release anger in a non-hurtful way, it ends up isolating you from people you're close to and reinforcing your deep-rooted belief that you're a piece of shit. On an instinctual level - pushing people away is the point of Brian's anger, because he feels the safest and in control when he's alone.
Because his emotion-processing capability is impaired, Brian relies on cold, pragmatic logic, obsessive control, sarcasm, eloquent rules of life and cynicism as scaffolding to substitute feelings. He’s also built up a cool persona of someone who can't be hurt because he doesn’t give a shit. Of course, Brian sees his emotional detachment as strength, not an impairment. He probably thinks people who succumb to feelings are weak, embarrassing and needy.
“Just don’t think about it” is what Brian told Justin whenever Justin wanted to talk about the bashing or got triggered by thinking about it. “Forget about it.” And it seems like Justin listened to this shitty advice until his suppressed anger blew the lid off when he joined the pink posse. “Just don’t think about it” is also obviously how Brian decided to manage his trauma from the bashing, which made it that much harder for Justin to process their shared experience. “Just don’t think about it”, aside from “never seeing a shrink and a series of hopeless addictions,” is Brian’s secret to being surprisingly “high-functioning” despite suffering from some profound dysfunctions and emotional wounds.
“Like I give a shit what God thinks about me. He'd better be worried what I think about him.”
Brian has terrible self-worth, because his parents rejected and/or neglected him. In the baby brain a parent’s rejection means "I'm unlovable" or "There's something really wrong with me," because babies are incapable of thinking "There's something wrong with my mom and that's why she's neglecting me." Your survival fully depends on your mother and she can do no wrong. And then there's the fact that Brian knew his parents never wanted him to be born.
How do we know Brian has terrible self-worth? Because:
He regularly engages in dangerous, self-destructive, self-sacrificing and self-neglecting behavior.
He never expects people to be there for him (Michael being the codependent exception) or to treat him well.
He never goes after anyone, and he doesn’t fight for what he wants or needs from other people (It’s your choice who you wanna be with). Because he doesn’t feel his emotional needs are important, especially to other people. He doesn't believe people would or should choose him.
He thinks he's a disposable element in other people's lives. When he gets abandoned, he just accepts it because that's what he thinks he deserves.
He rarely stands up for himself when his friends misjudge him or treat him unfairly. (On some level he believes the bad things they say about him)
Despite his terrible self-worth, he has fantastic confidence and self-esteem, because self-esteem and confidence are earned from success and other people's approval. Brian knows he’s attractive, competent, admired and successful. He makes sure his success is apparent to everyone, through designer clothes, glamorous home decor and status-symbol cars. He's also condescending to people he considers "below him" - you can't be better than everyone else unless there are people worse than you. But having to constantly improve and prove his value to other people is still a show of insecurity in his innate self-worth.
In fact, the drive (desperation) to prove his value as a person, as a man, as a professional, as a sexual MVP, is proportional to the size of the void of self-love that he tries to fill inside him. But filling the void of self-love with outside validation is like filling a gas tank with water - it's not gonna get you anywhere, no matter how much you pour in. You can know for a fact that people like, desire and respect you, while deep down you still believe you're a worthless piece of shit that doesn't deserve love. Brian’s competitive promiscuity is the primary source of fuel for his self-esteem, that’s why he can’t give it up.
Brian’s love language is acts of service, sacrifice and financial support, because he believes he has to earn other people's love. And no matter how much he does for other people, he’ll never feel like he's earned that love. That's why he never asks for help, even from the people that we would say are “indebted” to him.
Money is important to Brian, because a deal is a deal. When you pay for something, you're almost guaranteed to get it. That can't be said for human kindness or love - reciprocity in relationships is unreliable and complex. And Brian doesn’t think he deserves it anyway. But money means security, predictability, stability and it means you don't have to be at anyone's mercy. And money is how Brian earns his place in his friends’ lives.
Hi! I am PSYCHED that you still want to talk about qaf, I love your meta.
I'm scared to ask you the big questions about Brian and Justin's future, but I also have a lot of feelings and thoughts about this:
What do you think Brian's childhood looked like at the Kinney home? What do you make of the fact that he seemed more attached and way more kind to Jack than to Joan? I kinda figure that back in those times domestic abuse was more normalized and it wasn't uncommon to stay in touch with abusive parents, so I'm not bewildered that Brian didn't go no contact with them over that. More because he seems like the kind of person who couldn't be bothered to visit his parents. But I also wonder exactly how bad his childhood was.
I wonder if Jack had moments when he was a very cool and attentive dad, between his violent rages and verbal abuse. I also wonder if parts of Brian's alpha douche persona were inspired by him.
i am PSYCHED to talk about qaf i am so glad people still want to hear it!
i think media about childhood abuse often tends to portray it in this maximalist way where it was all beatings and physical violence but i appreciate that qaf portrays it more subtly and with some nuance. i think multiple things can be true: that jack DID get physically violent occasionally towards brian or joan but that it was not frequent, and likely only when drunk. that mostly the problem in the kinney house was emotional neglect and alcoholism, but that there were long stretches of relative normalcy, or at least what passed for it. that brian received more attention both positive and negative from jack because he was the son, and that brian wanted jack's attention, even if it was negative, because it was his father's.
the bowling scene as described in "good grief" is so interesting, because it exists in the show as an example of unreliable memory--michael telling it wrong--but we've no reason to believe that brian is a reliable narrator about this either. brian knew he was gay, or at least suspected, from a young age, and i think was always paying attention to any hint from his father about what might be the reaction if his dad found out. maybe that scene was exactly as brian described it, or maybe he amplified the disapproval in his mind because was looking for it. we've no reason to believe jack suspected brian was gay--he seems genuinely shocked when brian comes out to him. we know brian mythologizes his dad's failures from the story he tells at the funeral about his dad not wanting him--obviously brian wasn't there to hear it, he's telling a story he likely heard from his mom. but adding his own flair because he wants to be abrasive and shocking in the moment. and of course we learn this in the midst of a narrative arc where brian is himself feeling ambivalent about fatherhood and struggling with his responsibilities to his chosen family.
as to how bad i think his childhood was: i think mom was often shut up in her bedroom all day "indisposed" and brian and claire were left to their own devices. i think claire made every effort to be out with her friends or boyfriend rather than home, and brian similarly took refuge at michael's. i think dinner was often forgotten, and the shopping wasn't done, and the milk was bad, and if brian had one good meal a day it was cooked by debbie. i think brian both wanted his dad's approval but also knew it was a doomed project, and hated himself for caring. i think he listened closely to everything joan and jack said about the AIDs crisis, or fairies, or queers, and learned exactly what they would think of him if he ever revealed his secret. i think he dreamed of getting out and going somewhere far away, and hates himself for ending up in Pittsburgh anyway. i think his dad didn't understand why he wanted to go to college and get a degree when he could've just joined the union, and this too brian understood as a way he fails at being his dad's kind of man.
brian still lives in the same city as his family and his life is still intertwined with them, even if he doesn't see them a lot. i don't see him going no-contact, even after the accusation from his nephew. i think he compartmentalizes his gay life and his family life--or old life--and can't quite bring himself to cut out the sense of duty he feels to them, even after everything. (michael is the one person that links the two, which is another interesting aspect of their relationship). i think it takes brian a looong time into his relationship with justin to talk about his childhood because it's something he can't even articulate without ten levels of irony and sarcasm.
Omg, a QaF fan??? In my DMs??? It’s more likely than you think. Ok I have many a thought and I’m going to work backwards. It might be controversial b/c I think it happened early on in season 1 because…
By 1x10 Brian is so whipped he drives all night to New York to find Justin and even though he is beyond pissed the second Justin gives him puppy dog eyes Brian is falling over himself to get inside him.
Look at Justin’s smug little face! He knows that he has Brian wrapped around his little finger. He starts stripping and Brian doesn’t do anything but Justin is so confident he teases him and asks if he needs help taking his clothes off. Justin is the king.
Before that in 1x08 after Craig beats Brian up outside of Babylon and gives Justin the ultimatum to go home now or never again; Brian storms off yelling an emphatic “fuck!” He thought Justin would go home and in that moment he was mourning the relationship. I think Brian was already in love. It hurt him to see Justin being asked to choose between his family and Brian but really between his true self and being accepted by his family. Brian knows this pain and it’s why he had not yet come out by this point in the show and it tears him up to see Justin go through that.
Two episodes before, 1x06, we see Brian looking at Justin’s drawing while someone under the covers is giving him head. This scene is the first time we see Brian have sex with someone else while actively imagining they are Justin instead. Also he goes to the art show at the center in this ep and he would not have done that just for Lindsay. He is there for Justin and he is sooo in love.
In 1x05 Brian kicks a trick out because the guy was rude to Justin. At this point Justin is already much more meaningful to him than a one night stand. After this Brian tells Justin not to rely on anyone else and the only person you can trust is yourself. I think this scene is so telling because ostensibly Brian is talking to Justin but really he is desperately trying to remind himself of this belief. He is already in love but he is also afraid of what that means.
I think Brian fell in love as early as 1x03 when Justin had the gall to steal two tricks from him. It was a like-recognizes-like moment. Brian for the very first time respected Justin and saw him as more than just some kid. In a scene at Woody’s in this ep Brian defends Justin to Michael and says “Leave him alone…he’s actually kind of sweet.” Justin’s move at the end of the ep was far from sweet and it not only turned Brian on, it had him head over heels. The way he smiles while kissing him on the dancefloor that night and holds him up in his arms like a trophy. I’m certain Brian took him home and couldn’t keep his hands off him the rest of the night.
For the rest of the season we see the tension between Brian’s love for Justin and Brian’s love for his lifestyle. Falling in love with someone is entirely discordant with Brian’s idea of himself and as we know he feels he can’t be trusted to love someone and have them love him in turn. He is terrified of that vulnerability and he doesn’t want to be hurt especially by someone he has allowed to get this close to him.
This follows them until season 5 when Brian finally allows himself to tell Justin that he loves him. He says it’s because of the bomb, but Brian already had to consider losing Justin once before, and instead of telling Justin that he loved him after the bashing he instead pretends that he didn’t even show up to the hospital despite visiting him every day and watching him sleep. Brian loved Justin from the beginning but he had so much work to do healing from his childhood and the walls he built up before he could even consider letting himself be vulnerable enough to admit it to Justin.
Finally, I just want to say that Justin is god’s strongest soldier. Was he perfect? No. Did he leave Brian and misunderstand him a few times? Yes. But jesus Brian did not make it easy on him. It takes a lot to love someone unconditionally even when they refuse to tell you what you both know is true.
every time i rewatch queer as folk, i fall in love a little more with the series. i fall in love a little more with the characters. i fall in love a little more with the stories and the relationships and even the endings that each of these couples got.
i know some people don’t like brian and justin’s ending, but it was perfect for them as characters. their love was never meant to be a locked door, keeping them in place. instead, they were characters that helped each other grow, that pushed each other to always be the best versions of themselves - whether it was risking literally everything to take down the corrupt politician in season three or accepting the heartache and the pain of not being together so justin could follow his dreams in new york.
if the two of them had gotten married in the finale and had the traditional happily ever after, it would’ve been a disservice to both of their characters. neither of them wanted a life where the other sacrificed everything to be with them and called it love, because that wasn’t the type of love they had. they had a love with no locks on the doors or bars on the window and because of that, the ending they got with each other was perfect.
it was the perfect culmination of five years of story and development. (but i do believe they ended up finding their way back together and live together in a happy open marriage where they never hook up with the same person twice and never kiss anyone else on the lips but each other.)
the fact that blake and ted ended up back together makes me so happy every fucking time. their on again and off again story was a great through line in the series -- revisited every now and then because they were always the right person, wrong time relationship. seeing them dancing at babylon in the end? they’re finally the right person at the right time. they finally grew into two people who were healthy for one another and ted got his birthday wish: to love himself as a whole and to then find someone else who loved him as a whole, not as a half waiting to be completed.
and of course ben and michael ended perfectly as did mel and lindsey. no notes. i do think emmett and drew one day found their way back together. they had a similar storyline to ted and blake -- right person, wrong time. drew was one of the few people who was able to match emmett and emmett brought out the best in drew.
and of course, michael and brian are still, to me, the heart of the show. their friendship and the love they have for each other and the way it changes over the show and the way they change -- only to end dancing together at a rebuilt babylon? perfection.
so much in the world has changed since 2005 when queer as folk ended, but so much has stayed the same. there’s still so many parallels to be drawn from the show to the modern world and that part breaks my heart. we’ve come so far, but we’ve still only taken baby steps.
but in the words of michael novotny: and so the thumpa thumpa continues. it always will. no matter what happens. no matter who’s president. as our lady of disco, the divine miss gloria gaynor, has always sung to us -- we will survive.
This gifset I made of Joan and Jack Kinney's perception that Brian was a carbon copy of his father a lone wolf and selfish man vs Justin knowing that was the furthest thing from the truth hits even harder when you flashback to 1.02 where Brian has such a visceral reaction to Ted yelling at Michael "Where do people get off thinking I'm not a kind person? I happen to be very kind, very loving/ My only responsibility is to myself I don't owe anybody a goddamn thing."
Selfish is such a prominent word in his life. We hear it from many of his so called friends. He's selfish and can't or won't love anyone or anything. Yet his actions towards them even when they don't deserve it show the complete opposite. You can sort of see why it cuts so deep when he hears these words "selfish and responsibility" in the context of the scenes with his parents.
We have Joan in church telling Brian he reminds her of Jack, he's equally as selfish always letting her down and mocking her love for God. How she took Jack's abuse and beatings to protect him though we the audience know Brian had his own share of abuse from him both physical and emotional along with his mother's neglect and alcoholism. He denies this but she won't hear of it. Adding on to her previously telling him her new priest has been like a son to her and now Brian has the power to destroy her entire world view and he doesn't. There's also a weird sort of parallel where now instead of her biological son being like her husband, her surrogate son is just like the son she rejects and is ashamed of.
Jack proudly announcing he's a chip off the old block not made to be a family man, Brian agreeing. Throw in the bombshell that if it was up to him, Brian wouldn't even exist. This man who shirked all responsibilities as a husband, a father and role model to his children telling his son who he wished was never born that he is just like him. Imagine the mind fuck. His line about not letting the ladies tie him down, Brian knowing he would never be accepted if he ever came out to him. Then buttering him up for cold hard cash, even though Brian had it ready and waiting because he knew that's all he's worth to him. Which leads me to the anger I feel towards Mel and Lindsey who immediately jump on Brian about his financial responsibility to Gus. Wanting him to sign a life insurance policy because his "lifestyle" according to Mel makes him more of a risk factor. They don't want him to be fully physically involved but they'll take his money. Here comes the theme of death once more, his father didn't want him to exist but he'll take his money. Mel and Lindsey, pointing out if he dies it doesn't matter as long as Gus profits. Yet he fought so hard for Lindsey in the custody battle for J.R, funding it all when he never got that same unwavering support when it came to Gus. Wanting so steadfastly to take care of Justin financially when they were together and apart because that's how he has been made to feel with Gus and his father. So many layers. Sonny boy indeed.
Is it any wonder? Brian Kinney never believed in love and thought it only lead to bitterness and resentment, and settling down meant settling into a toxic environment where hatred flourished. Especially as your parents are your first example of love and family. You literally are the product of that union in most cases, it's a fundamental part of your childhood and has a deep effect on you ergo why therapists always lead with "So tell me about your relationship with your mother/father."
WHICH IS WHY WE SHOULD HAVE HAD A SEASON DEDICATED TO THIS ASPECT!
Ultimately people are always wanting a piece of Brian. The raw, unfiltered Brian Kinney that Justin sees and accepts and loves is not good enough for them. Sure they have their moments and he's by no means perfect but Justin doesn't want to intrinsically change him, he encourages him to be better and we see Brian respond to this. They blow hot and cold, his Peter Pan complex is embarrassing it's time to grow up! Brian tries to change, no this isn't the Brian we know and love, we prefer the old version of him come back! With his friends he's made to feel responsible for their mistakes and fuck ups, to be a support to them, to help rescue them even to his own detriment at times. To feel guilt at his existence in their lives and how it affects them, as financial support or simply telling him how to react/feel to really major emotional life events. Debbie insisting he "owed" his father his coming out, telling Joan he had cancer. Michael at his father's death, that regardless of what he did he was still his dad. The amount of pressure that was placed on him was insane the "responsibility" never ends. It goes to the -> I don't owe anybody a goddamn thing! He got himself out of his terrible upbringing, worked hard and got an amazing loft with a job in a career he excels at. No one gave him a hand out. Technically even when they did in the concerned citizens for truth era he paid them back plus extra. He hates feeling indebted to people, or in need, and yes part of that is pride but also because he's the one that is always on standby to be that for others, so where is his room to fail?
I have a question that I wanna know your thoughts on, if you care to have them :). When and how do you think Brian Kinney became Brian Kinney. The ‘no excuses, no apologies, no regrets’ Brian Kinney. And when do you think he became the stud of Liberty Avenue? I mean Debbie does tell in s1 that Brian has basically been a loose canon since the day Michael met him when they were 14. And in season 5 i think it’s revealed they went to the club for the first time when they were like 17/18 and Brian even makes a tiny brag about the backroom (btw i will never be over that scene because they put them in “teens” clothes and said fuck it) but I always wondered at what point did Brian become ‘the man, the myth, the legend’ and like how that had to be for him and his friends or I guess Mikey since he was obsessed with him and then suddenly he was fucking everyone. Sorry for such a random all over the place question, you can tell I recently started a rewatch.
Oh dear sweet anon! I love all {kind} asks in my askbox equally, but some I love more equally than others. You have truly unleashed the beast with this one as I literally have a doctorate in analyzing characters (sure, at work I call it ‘case conceptualization’ but tomato tomahto and all.) I’m going to put this all under a “read more” because I love my mutuals and I don’t want to subject their dashes to what is undoubtedly going to be an unhinged character analysis. Pour yourself a beverage of your choosing, grab a snack, and buckle in.
My mother is a frigid bitch. My father was an abusive drunk. They had a hateful marriage, which is probably why I am…unwilling or unable to form a long-term, committed relationship of my own. The fact that I drink like a fish, abuse drugs, and have, more or less, redefined promiscuity doesn’t help…much. As a result I have lost the two people in my life that mean the most to me.
- Brian Kinney, 508
Early Childhood
Brian is the youngest of two from married parents. His mother, Joan, is not employed outside the home and is devoted to her Catholic faith. His father, Jack, is employed in some unnamed blue collar job and is a union man. His older sister, Claire, is a presence but left the home and married and had children shortly thereafter. Both Brian’s parents struggle with undiagnosed and untreated alcohol use disorder. They are both abusive in their own ways. Brian suffers physical abuse at the hands of his father. He suffers emotional abuse in the form of religious trauma and neglect in the form of Joan not intervening when Brian is being hit by his father by his mother. He also grows up with the family lore that he was an unwanted child and his father asked him mother to abort him. In his understanding, it is his mother’s Catholic faith that has doomed him to this miserable life. And throughout his life, it is clear his mother cares more for outwards appearances within her church community and for his eternal soul than his happiness here on earth. He observes their marriage as a hateful one. Jack cheats on Joan and apologizes with empty gestures (bringing her flowers) and words (apologies and good behavior before reverting back to his philandering ways). He’s told repeatedly by his father that Jack should never have been a family man, that Kinney men not not designed to be family men. In other words, Kinney men are not made to be “tied down” to one partner. And in the absence of a model or understanding of an ethical nonmonogamy, Brian learns that men, if they have partners, will cheat. Brian also learns from his family that words and apologies are empty - Jack can apologize to Joan but if he never changes, what worth do his words have?
We also see from his family where his determination to earn money and be able to afford a luxurious lifestyle comes from. He is determined to avoid any suffering (failing at monogamy, struggling to pay bills) that they endured.
Adolescence
Around age 14/15 Brian meets Michael Novotny. He either moves to Pittsburgh or several junior high schools feed into one high school (this is not uncommon in the US). Michael worships him immediately - Michael is gay and Brian is cute. And then Brian defends Michael against the school bullies. Brian also meets Debbie and either meets or hears of Uncle Vic. For the first time in his life, Brian has adults who are accepting of their son being gay, he has a model of a gay man who is loved by his family (for the most part - there’s reference to a sister that rejects Vic and a grandmother who may be oblivious to her son’s sexuality). He receives mixed messages from the Novotnys. From Michael, he gets a best friend. Someone with whom he can be silly and have fun. But everything they reference from their teen years is about Mikey’s interests - the Captain Astro club for instance. What were Brian’s interests as a teen? Did anyone nurture them? In Mikey he also gets someone where he can safely explore his sexuality (Patrick Swayze). In Debbie he gets a mother figure who is a firm (albeit imperfect) ally. We don’t know when the Liberty Diner opened or when Debbie began working there, but there is a sense she was also a portal to the world of Liberty Avenue and the diner provided a sort of safe-for-teens queer space. However, Debbie also cares for her son first and foremost (as she should!). She is not Brian’s parent. When she sees Brian’s influence taking Mikey down a path of - getting in trouble at school for fighting back against bullies, sneaking out to go to Liberty Avenue, espousing an nonmonogamy ethic, experimenting with drugs and alcohol - she rightly calls him out. However, with his background, when she - a clearly loving mother who would have no reason to lie - calls him a little shit or an asshole, he believes it. There is a paradox that develops where Brian does not believe words because they are meaningless so refuses to apologize or make promises - unless those words are cruel and directed at him, especially by people he trusts.
For historical purposes, this is taking place in 1985 or 1986 - as the AIDS crisis is reaching an inflection point. The CDC (US Center for Disease Control) estimates that more people were diagnosed with AIDS than in all earlier years combined (source). It is impossible to overstate the impact this had on the queer community more generally, and on Brian more specifically. We see his unwavering commitment to using a condom even in the face of other reckless behavior. As someone who predominantly tops, he is at lower risk of contracting HIV but he cares enough about his partners to never ever fuck without one. His alcohol and drug misuse harms him and him alone, fucking without a condom harms others. Coming of age during the height of the AIDS crisis shaped Brian. We don’t know exactly when Vic seroconverts but we know that relatively shortly before the Pilot episode, Vic was on his deathbed and Debbie was nursing him and they go on that trip to Italy and max out all of Vic’s credit cards… (because those credit card statements come to him in S1) So the AIDS crisis is also front and center in this little safe(r) space Brian has found away from his childhood home. With the AIDS crisis there is also a loss of nearly a complete generation of gay men who could have provided a model for the type of relationship Brian and Justin eventually try to find for themselves. I’ll say it again AIDS WIPED OUT AN ENTIRE GENERATION. We learn from the models around us. If we are an ethnic minority, we learn about that from our parents. As queer people, we often cannot learn from our parents how to be queer. We need queer elders in our communities. Brian comes of age exactly as all those queer elders are dying and changing their lifestyles to protect themselves and their partners from a hideous disease with (at the time) no known treatment and in which the government’s inaction is actively contributing to the loss of entire communities.
And then we have the famous locker room gym teacher incident. Brian’s first (as far was we know) sexual experience was at age 14 (iirc) when he walked into the showers after soccer practice and saw his coach showering. Brian as a gay teen, gets hard, and to cover up any embarrassment about what this reveals about him (it’s the 80s in a public American HS!) gets on his knees and gives the coach a blowjob. This is the first instance of Brian using sex and his sexuality to protect himself and to empower himself. However, he is a kid and a student and he has been taken advantage of by a teacher. No matter how much Brian tells himself (believes) that he was in power in that situation, the power dynamics are always that the teacher has power. That is the reason those laws exist (and even when everyone is an adult, professors cannot sleep with their over 18 college students, nor can they sleep with their graduate students - that goes against every university’s guidelines because that power imbalance cannot be erased). Brian may not self-identify as such but he is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.
Late Adolescence/Early Adulthood
Around 17/18 we know Brian and Mikey are sneaking into Babylon and Brian is engaging in more experimentation with his sexuality. How is this different than Justin doing the same? Well, first and foremost Justin’s was incredibly lucky that Brian was the one to take him home that first night and treat him with respect and kindness. Brian made sure he enjoyed his first time. Brian’s speech about wanting Justin to always remember this tells us that virginity, while a vile social construct, is something that can feel very important. And the first time being penetrated can set the stage for one’s expectations and beliefs about what is good and normal for future experiences. Does Brian realize this because his first time with penetrative sex was similarly good and kind or because it was the opposite?
We also know that Brian graduates high school and goes to a traditional four year university/college (per fanon it’s Carnegie Mellon where Ben is later a professor and is a prestigious university) where he meets Lindsay. Unlike, Brian, Michael attends a few semesters of a community college. Anon, I’m not sure if you’re in the US but a community (or junior) college is usually a two year college that is intended to prepare students for transferring to complete their education at a 4 year college or university. Some students just complete their Associates Degrees and do not transfer. The reason a student might do this is a) finances - community colleges are public and much less expensive than 4 year institutions (even 4 year public universities) and b) readiness - if a student’s high school grades are not good enough to get into a 4 year institution or the student personally doesn’t feel ready for college course work, attending a community college is a great place to get adjusted to college level coursework (classes tend to be smaller, especially compared with large universities). My spouse is a community college professor, nothing but respect to the community colleges. Mikey probably attended due to finances and poor grades (he is canonically not book smart). Brian comes from a similar background financially - I would find it hard to believe that Jack, who later asks his son for money, was saving for college tuition when Brian was a child. Given the lavish lifestyle Brian later leads, I find it hard to believe he took out (predatory) student loans (he also doesn’t mention them among his expenses post- Concerned Citizens for the Truth so I’m going to believe he doesn’t have them). I am going to guess that he attended a prestigious private university (in 2021-2022 tuition for one year at CMU was $58,924 and in 2023 it was $62,260 with another nearly $20k for room and meal plan) on a combination of Pell Grants (for students with exceptional financial need) and merit based scholarships (due to good grades in high school). This means that Brian, in order to gain admission and to earn scholarships to afford to go, despite all his antics at school (ahem chemistry club!), was studious enough to earn the grades needed. This is no small thing. For comparison, I attended a high school in one of the wealthiest school districts in the US and I had special counselors who helped me decide what schools to apply to, how to craft my applications to be more competitive, and I was taught explicitly ways of approaching SATs (college admissions test) that improved my scores (like test taking strategies). Basically I had every advantage. Brian had none of that. I imagine the school district that the Kinneys and Novotnys would live in, would not have all those advantages. In the US, local tax dollars pay for schools - wealthy areas have better schools as a result. It says a lot about Brian - his determination, his native intelligence, and his ability to code-switch and pass as someone who belongs as at a place like CMU - that he succeeded.
This is also the first time that he is apart from Mikey. He’s making new friends like Lindsay who come from wealth and privilege and getting a taste of that life. He is also away from Mikey’s hero worship and any pressure from Mikey (and Debbie) to date Mikey. He probably sleeps his way through the gay, bisexual, and questioning male student body. I do believe at this point he probably hadn’t instituted his “no repeats” rule but he learns that after a certain number of hook ups, expectations begin to build. He doesn’t want to be his father, so it’s safest to make sure his partners have no expectations. He learns that if people expect the least and the worst from him, he will never disappoint them.
We know that if he wasn’t before, he’s certainly experimenting with drugs in college (references to spiking the punch with ecstasy after Lindsay’s heart was broken). He is studying something that is immediately practical (we do not know if he goes onto graduate school, but my headcanon is that he does not - he would have gotten his masters degree in marketing or business and those are expensive and, again, he doesn’t seem to have student loans). I believe he studies marketing, but though general coursework, his own intelligence and curiosity, he learns enough about the arts and other areas of study to be able to pass in upper class worlds and not betray his working class roots. And to appreciate Justin’s talent. Of course.
Post College/Adulthood
He is hired by Ryder Advertising and quickly moves up the ranks. He purchases his own home (the loft) and decorates it with only the fanciest furniture and appliances. He wears designer clothes. He wants to fit in and belong to this world that is so different than where he came from.
My guess is that by the time he’s working at Ryder, he has fully become the man, the myth, the legend we meet in the pilot.
No apologies - he learned that early on from Jack, apologies are meaningless.
No regrets - life as a gay man may be difficult, but he is not going shy away from experiences just because it might make his life harder. His life has already been hard on someone else’s terms. If it’s going to be hard again, it may as well be on his own terms.
Actions matter more than words, unless those words are from someone he believes cares about him in which case, if they are negative, they are true.
Protect others, even to the detriment of yourself. People want you for what you can do for them (protect them from bullies, make them feel special for one night) not for who you are.
Brian has no model of nonmonogamy that isn’t monogamy with cheating. He cannot conceive, until Justin comes along, that he can have a primary partner and also have an open relationship.
Being a “Stud” is another status symbol, like the loft, like the Jeep, like his wardrobe.
Everything is a wall built from his childhood to protect himself from the pain he experienced and to protect others from what he believes is his destiny - to hurt others the way his father hurt his mother and him. Walls don’t just keep out others, they protect others from the (imagined) monster within.
There is a good fic on Midnight Whispers that goes into this quite a bit: Why Not with Me
Well, right before a reboot is set to come out, I finally got around to watching a show I first heard about (albeit without knowing the name) when it came out while I was like, eight years old. I then got in huge trouble for even mentioning to my parents that a friend had told me about a show with two boys french-kissing in a shower (okay, eight would’ve been way too young to see it, but still, fundie Christian memories ✨).
And, I fell hard for this story. I genuinely think this is one of my favorite stories ever, definitely favorite TV show, with writing to parallel MXTX’s levels of wringing the most potential out of every little detail. The writing is of a consistently high quality throughout its five seasons, without a single weak season (although there was the occasional weaker plotline), which is something I don’t think I can say for pretty much any other completed TV series I’ve seen. I love, love, love this story, and those of you know have been following me for awhile know how rarely I say that.
It’s explicit, often gratuitously so, but honestly that’s part of its charm and message: it’s loud and unashamed of itself, even when that makes it crass. It’s tired of being shut up inside a closet and it’s going to make it your problem if you choose to watch (and in doing so, mimic the journeys of its characters learning to feel and love and grow into human beings without apologies).
Brian, Justin, Hunter, Ben, Michael, Debbie, Emmett, Ted--they were all fantastic characters with complexity to boot. It seemed like many of them could be stereotypes--particularly Brian or Emmett--but to call them stereotypes is blatantly wrong. There was just so much intricate complexity woven into each character’s psyche. If anything, it seemed almost like taking back the stereotypes by infusing them with humanity (one of the major themes: learning how to be human). It was existentialist, philosophical at parts, and genuinely moving.
Brian could be seen as a stereotypical promiscuous gay man, but he is really a wounded child. Melanie can seem like a typical “butch” lesbian, but she has the arguably biggest and most sentimental heart in the series. Debbie is the voice of reason and moral compass, but also can get too caught up in her beliefs that she is a good person and hurt those around her. Ted seemed like a typical “loser” character whom I actually struggled to like through the first two and a half seasons... before his descent into addiction, which felt like one of the most humanizing portrayals of addiction I’ve seen. Ben and Hunter are both HIV positive, and neither of them are characterized by their illness or have their arcs primarily be about suffering and death porn.
Admittedly, some parts haven’t aged super well. but without some of those elements (namely, the age difference between Justin and Brian), I’m not sure the story could have pulled itself off with the same poignant psychological insight, the same provocative themes, and the same character depth. So, that one I’m giving a pass on a literary perspective. Other parts that didn’t age super well are that really aren’t any trans or bisexual (although it seems like Hunter is bisexual, though the idea is never really labeled) or nonbinary characters, plus almost everyone is very white. It’s a very outdated understanding of sexuality in some ways (although in other aspects, the show is quite forward-thinking in others--for example, it says “acab” before it was cool).
So let’s break down Hamliet’s thoughts on different themes, motifs, plotlines, and symbolism. I’m going to start with Justin and Brian’s relationship, because it really did form the beating heart of the show in encapsulating, without fail, the main themes of each and every season.
Brian and Justin: Being Human Means Growing and Grieving (Season One)
Brian: Look, I don't believe in love. I believe in fucking. It's honest, it's efficient. You get in and out with a maximum of pleasure, and a minimum of bullshit. Love is something that straight people tell themselves they're in, so they can get laid. Then they end up hurting each other, because it was all based on lies to begin with. If that's what you want, then go and find yourself a pretty little girl, and get married.
Justin: That's not what I want. I want you.
Came in skeptical about this relationship, left convinced.
Through season one, Justin and Brian’s issues build into the tragic finale through the themes of growth and loss that run through each episode of the entire season. Growth is what makes us human, but growing, living, always ends in death eventually.
At first glance, Brian seems to be the character who goes after everything he wants... but he actually is running away from what he wants. Justin is the one who actually goes after what he wants: he is super clingy to start with, to the point where it’s a bit cringe--but also, surprisingly earnest and honest.
Brian has the opposite problem to Justin’s clinginess: he’s dead inside and pushing everyone away from him. Brian acts like he owes nothing to anybody and desperately has sex with every man he can, and makes a “big spectacle of everything” (as Debbie tells him), all in a childish attempt to feel something, anything at all. He wants to be human. He wants to be alive. But he doesn’t feel like he’s either of these things. His refusal to grow up is not so much a rejection of maturity so much as it is a rejection of his life in general: how can you grow, when you were never alive in the first place?
Justin’s clinginess, while initially a flaw, is actually what makes the relationship perfect: Brian would never grow if he was not relentlessly pursued by someone who also asked things of him (Lindsay and Michael, while great friends, rarely ask things of Brian, while Justin does). Justin's childlike faith in humanity in some ways (and, admittedly less-charmingly, black and white way of thinking) helps Brian experience those things for the first time. The irony of course is that Justin seems like he wants to grow up--have sex, move out of his home, getting a fake ID--while Brian claims he wants to stay young, yet before Justin avoids anything actually innocent. When he finally starts opening up to Justin and his innocence, he’s confronted with what he’s been avoiding the entire season: grief.
Brian needs to grieve his own nightmare childhood and his own issues, or else he can’t ever grow or feel human.
To be human is to accept loss, accept that you aren’t superman, that you can’t control things. Literally the entire season is about the writers handing Brian challenge to grieve after challenge to grieve and him denying it until it smashes into the head of innocence (Justin).
Firstly, Brian is tasked with whether or not to pull the plug on Ted when he’s in a coma, a choice that he thankfully doesn’t have to make when Ted wakes up. Then, Brian’s father tells him he’s dying and Brian finally tells him he’s gay (with horrifying results). His father dies (symbolic again of one symbol of his nightmare childhood passing away), and Brian doesn’t cry, which everyone points out is odd. Brian also ruins his relationship with Michael, and refuses to grieve it, pretending it’s all fine. While they do reconcile, Justin and Michael do more work to bring them back together than Brian does (speaking of, the scene where everyone leaves in disgust, telling Brian off for his cruelty at Michael’s birthday party, but Justin tells Brian “someone’s gotta help you clean this mess” was clearly a double-meaning and a genuinely heartwarming moment). Then, Brian struggles with signing away his parental rights to Gus to help Melanie and Lindsay, and does so in a bold moment without much grief. Brian treats Justin terribly on and off, but doesn’t grieve it because he tells himself that’s just who he is.
However, Justin in season one, despite being a portrayal of innocence, also treats other people pretty poorly. (Brian is largely the exception.) His father is the worst, but Justin is also a brat with an immature understanding of love and people. He does his best to alienate his mother early on. He antagonizes people when he doesn’t have to in order to show off and prove he deserves to exist (like outside of Babylon when he tells everyone he gave Chris Hobbs a handjob, a moment where Brian warns him directly that he’s now “made a real enemy”). Justin’s brattiness is clearly coming from a place of pain and repression, so to be clear there is no moral equivalence there: he only humiliates Chris because Chris has been humiliating him throughout the series.
Justin also tries to convince Brian not to sign away his parental rights at first, which hurts Melanie and Lindsay, because Justin projects his own parental issues onto the situation without considering that Brian is not his father and the people involved are so different the two situations shouldn’t be compared. Plus, if anything, Justin puts too much responsibility on others, and is challenged to accept that he cannot control other people and how they feel or act towards him (Daphne falling for him, Brian, trying to win his father’s approval by considering business school despite his father’s hatred of him, etc.) This idea of putting too much responsibility on others is childish and normal for someone his age, and makes Justin and Brian very similar while also having contrasting ways of handling their relationships (clinging vs pushing away).
This all culminates in the finale where Chris tries to murder Justin right when he and Brian seem to finally be happy at Justin’s prom. It’s only then, when Brian sits bloodied in a hospital waiting room, that we see him finally give in, grieve, cry, in the same place he and Justin named his son in the first episode.
Justin’s lost a sense of innocence. Brian realizes that he is not the island he pretends to be, and that being human hurts.
Justin and Brian: Being Human Means Accepting the Worst of Yourself (Season Two)
Michael to Brian: I think you're afraid to let anyone know you love them. That you have feelings. That you're human like the rest of us.
Throughout the second season, Brian hides the best parts of himself (literally not allowing anyone to know that he visits Justin every single night he’s in the hospital). Brian also self-sabotages himself by demanding Justin hide the best parts of himself (loving Brian) with their semi-open arrangement that fails epically, and Justin leaves him. But part of the reason is fails is also that Justin starts becoming more like Brian, even imitating Brian in word and action when he sleeps with a virgin, and... big surprise, neither of them like Justin becoming more like Brian. Justin doesn't want to be Brian, and Brian doesn't want to be Brian either.
Despite Brian’s narcissistic persona, the dude basically embodies the concept of “methinks thou doth protest too much.” See: him pissing on art of himself as a hero. After, Justin demands a real apology for that--directly telling Brian that his vague “sorry” isn’t good enough, and Brian gives i. A few episodes later, this scene then repeats after Justin starts his affair with Ethan with almost the exact same dialogue, but this time Justin is the one giving a vague apology, and Brian isn’t strong enough to ask for a specific apology.
Justin: I’m sorry.
Brian: For what?
Justin: You know what for.
The point is again that Justin is becoming more like Brian, and it’s not a good thing.
As long as Brian hides the best parts of himself, their relationship is doomed. It’s not a coincidence that after the first time Justin tops him, after Brian literally lets Justin inside, Brian immediately panics and starts causing problems. Brian doesn’t acknowledge Justin’s birthday besides literally hiring him a hustler to symbolize how he’s pushing Justin into another person’s arms (Ethan). To highlight this, we have Ben and Michael’s birthday celebration as a foil, where Ben is upset over his declining health and behaves terribly. However, Ben apologizes, and Michael tells him a major theme:
Ben: There’s no excuse for it. There’s no excuse at all.
Michael: Sure there is. You’re human.
The point is that Brian and Justin are human too, as much as Brian tries to deny his own humanity. Human beings make mistakes. And that becomes a major motif of the third season.
Justin and Brian: Being Human Means Accepting the Best of Yourself (Season Three)
When we see Justin and Brian in the opening of season 3, Brian is still so defensive over Justin despite Justin publicly humiliating and leaving Brian that Brian punches his best friend, Michael, for suggesting that he shouldn’t have saved Justin’s life. This again ties into Brian’s self-hatred: he expects Justin to leave him, even feels he should. But Brian finds it easier to fight someone else on Justin’s behalf than to fight himself to keep Justin; numerous characters comment that Justin left because Brian didn’t fight for him, and they’re right.
Brian and Justin are still stuck on each other, and shown through their indulgence of illusions (fantasy vs reality is another motif throughout every season). Brian literally hires a hooker to dress up as Justin, and Justin focuses on Ethan who is whom Justin thinks he wants Brian to be, only to discover that Ethan is Justin at his worst: brought to life by art, yes, but a cheater, and a liar.
As viewers, we recognize issues all along: for example, during a sex scene, Ethan directly tells Justin “don’t be nervous;” this stands in sharp contrast with Brian, who had previously told Justin that he was clearly “terrified” when they first got together. Brian acknowledges Justin’s fears; Ethan pretends they don’t exist. Ethan wants an illusion; Brian wants the real thing.
We also see the “real you” aspect of Brian and Justin’s relationship foiled with Ben and Michael’s struggle over Ben’s HIV. Michael almost wishes he has HIV to relate to Ben more, and this plotline climaxes in Michael holding a needle to his arm, contemplating giving himself it to be more like Ben, and this line:
Ben: I don’t want you to be like me!
There are other relationships in the show, even nonromantic ones, that emphasize that Brian can’t accept the best of himself. Brian refuses to accept any thanks for saving Ted’s ass, because he’s still denying the best parts of himself. Both our good and bad traits make us human: Brian needs to accept the best of himself, and Justin needs to accept the worst.
Brian and Justin finally face each other while having sex with other people in Babylon’s backroom, but lock eyes and it’s clear who they wish they were with. They have to accept themselves at their best and at their worst to be able to accept each other at their best and worst.
Fortunately, that’s precisely what happens. When Justin decides to win Brian back by interning at his company, he gives him a sincere compliment that Brian can only smile at (ie, Justin confronting Brian with the best of Brian’s traits):
Justin: I've already learned more than I would in an entire semester of school... Which says a lot about you, actually.
Brian: About me?
Justin: Yeah. They say the tone of the workplace is established from the top. So it's a great compliment to you that you have such a dedicated and hardworking staff.
And Justin is then able to show Brian that yeah, he knows Brian’s worst traits. And even with his worst self, he still thinks Brian’s best traits make him worth it, and that Brian can actually become better, grow.
Justin: If you had any brains at all you would never have let me leave. You would've told me I was making the biggest mistake of my life. That I would live to regret it. That what you gave me was worth a thousand--a million times more than anything he had to offer. You would have told me that you loved me, and that you would go on loving me even after I was gone.
Brian then confronts Justin on his worst traits:
Brian: That is so like you! You don't hear what you want, so you leave! Try standing up for yourself for a change!
Aaand then Justin is able to admit his best traits:
Justin: I decided you should take me back... even though I’ve made a few mistakes, I think you’d be making an even bigger one not to give me a second chance.
In other words, when they get back together, they’re able to see each other as fully human.
When they get back together, Justin and Brian are able to pretty much save the world by stopping Stockwell. Debbie outright states the season’s main theme after Brian gets fired for sabotaging Stockwell (such a smallscale Trump it’s almost eerie):
Debbie: it's your innate goodness.
Brian: *laughs*
Debbie: we all know good from evil and you’re no different.
Again, the “you’re no different” line emphasizes that Brian is human despite his denials thereof, and being human is not just about fucking and being selfish--it’s about love and community and a long arc towards justice. And then Brian finally becomes the hero Justin and Michael have always believed him to be and gives up literally everything he owns--everything except the people who love him, honestly--to stop Stockwell. Not only that, but no one except his closest friends will ever know he is the one who saved the town.
The idea of accepting the worst/best of yourself is also foiled in the finale when Ted reunites with Blake. Ted cared for Blake because Blake brought out the best in Ted--his generosity and kindness and belief in goodness of humanity--but was destroyed by the worst (Blake’s addiction). At the rehab where he once dropped Blake off, Ted finds himself a patient, and Blake as his counselor--showing Ted that there is a future, that the best in you is never dead no matter how far you’ve sunken. You can always find it again.
Justin and Brian: Being Human Means Accepting Help (Season 4)
Season 4 at its core is about learning to be weak and ask for help. Ted needs help finding a job. Ben needs help processing rejection of his manuscript. Brian needs help keeping his apartment. But none of them want to feel pitied, and so they flounder.
One of the ways people can need others is to need others to forgive them. Obviously we have Blake and Ted, Ted and... everyone after his addiction, Debbie forgiving herself for the way she treats Vic, and Brian and Justin forgiving each other and therefore forgiving themselves.
Obviously this was first set up in Season 3, when Brian forgave Justin for leaving him, but it’s further expanded on by repeating a lot of season two’s elements... in a way that doesn’t feel repetitive but instead shines a light on just how much growth the characters have undergone.
Justin’s brief foray into vigilantism is clearly paralleled with his foray into gogo dancing in season 2: both Brian warns him about, but Justin insists he can take care of himself only to get way in over his head. With gogo dancing, the boss sexually assaulted him; with the vigilantes, Justin ends up realizing that Cody is not that different than Chris Hobbs--he’s cruel, he’s hateful, he’s violent, and he only wants to use Justin for his own pride. But instead of how Justin allowed his guilt over needing Brian’s help for school to drive them apart after the gogo incident, this time Justin allows himself to get closer to Brian after realizing Brian was right. Justin also doesn’t forgive Chris Hobbs (nor really should he), but he does realize the pointlessness of revenge.
Brian then needs help but resorts to I can take care of myself when he’s diagnosed with testicular cancer. He lashes out at Justin and refuses to tell Justin what’s really going on. Brian’s lashing out becomes particularly cruel where he essentially tries to force Justin to leave him... only for Michael to show how much he’s grown by intervening and mediating. When Brian comes home sick to find Justin cooking soup for him, Brian falls to the floor and is literally struggling to get up from a fetal position (hello, obvious symbolism):
Brian: I’m all right!
Justin: You're not all right.
Brian: Then why are you asking me?
Justin: So I can tell you what a motherfucking piece of shit you are for not telling me! For shutting me out! For thinking that you could handle this on your own! And most of all for thinking that I would leave you! Why would you think that? 'Cause you had a ball removed? 'Cause you're no longer perfect? Well, believe me, Mr. Kinney, that is the least of your imperfections! And if I wanted to leave you, I've had plenty of better reasons.
Brian: Well, maybe you should have.
Even though it’s framed as an argument, it’s actually Brian finally opening up. The look on Justin’s face when he realizes that Brian has finally told him the truth that he’s not been able to admit the entire series--that Brian hates himself, that he thinks he doesn’t deserve any love--was stunning. He said some pretty cruel things to Justin, yet Justin forgave him. Sometimes, that’s the best help someone can give--even the only help.
Brian and Justin: Being Human Means You Can’t Control Others (Season Five)
Brian: My mother was a frigid bitch. My father was an abusive drunk. They had a hateful marriage, which is probably why I am unwilling or unable to form a committed long-term relationship of my own. The fact that I drink like a fish, abuse drugs, and have more or less redefined promiscuity doesn't help... much. As a result, I've lost the two people in my life that mean most to me.
Season 5 is all about everything changing and the resistance people have to change, but that doesn't mean the love that grounds it goes away. Melanie and Lindsay break up for a bit, Debbie leaves the diner only for a copycat to take over, Babylon changes when Brian buys it... and then when it explodes.
Season 5 really explores the limits of change and what can and cannot change. Brian in particular has always used being gay as an excuse for why he doesn’t feel human, when his issues are far more complex than that. His being gay won’t change and shouldn’t (despite what the homophobes scream out their cars in certain gutwrenching scenes), but his attitude towards himself and others and towards his own sexuality can and should and does.
Despite not feeling human and supposedly being very “live and let live,” Brian is actually something of a control freak, as becomes increasingly obvious in season 5. He lashes out at Michael for marrying Ben and setting up house, at Ted for pursuing a monogamous long-term relationship, at Justin for wanting commitment. Everyone moves on, but Brian is terrified of losing the only ways he feels alive... and he’s still stuck in a childish, egocentric mindset that he controls the world. (Justin has his own issues with control this season; namely around his mother’s new relationship, Michael and Ben struggle regarding Hunter leaving, etc).
Brian: Before you and your husband tied the noose around your necks he was perfectly happy! But now, he's a defector, just like the rest of you!
Michael: He was never perfectly happy! Waiting for years for you to say "I love you, you're the only one I want."
Brian: That's *not* who I am!
Not only that, but there’s certainly irony in Brian claiming he “accepts” (his term) Michael’s choice for domestic life, but he clearly does not. The concept of “home”, which has been a motif for Brian and Justin’s relationship since the very first episode where Justin points out he’s not able to go home and hence he stays with Brian, and how Brian negotiates their semi-open relationship in season two with the idea that he wants to “come home to” Justin, comes up again in this same scene where Brian confronts Michael and blames him for Justin moving out:
Michael regarding his house with Ben: It's a home!
Brian: It's a farce! It's a freak show!
Michael: ... (Justin) didn't leave because of (me). He left because of you. Who wouldn't?
Again, there’s irony here. The “farce” and “freak show” are comments Lindsay’s parents have lobbed at her marriage to Mel throughout the show. Yes, Brian, resident gay stud of Pittsburgh, has some serious internalized issues that brush up against homophobia and that just boil down to the same issues driving many of the show’s antagonists: control. Wanting to be God, not human.
Brian needs to accept the limits of being a human being. You cannot control others. When you love them--to truly love someone--you don’t even try. You give them free will. You love them. You support them. I’m sure you can see the parallels between the general portrayal of the Prop 14 supporters who are using religion throughout the season to try to control others and claim it’s love when it’s blasphemy to call that love.
As usual, Debbie is the voice of decency, not only by yelling at the religious protester “JESUS THINKS YOU STINK!” but also by saying to Brian:
Debbie: your problem is he left you. He left you, and he moved on. Only he didn't. You and he just made different choices, that's all. Doesn't mean that you don't still love each other.
Everything reaches a head when Babylon--symbolic of not just the gay community in QAF, but of Brian’s entire life--literally explodes. That scene is horrifying, disorienting, brilliantly shot and nauseating (like, I almost threw up, and it’s not gory at all--it’s just devastating, and the pure emotion hit me like a sack of bricks).
Justin and Brian choose not to control each other, which is actually a sign of love. About the finale, it has its own section below.
The High Cost of Living
Justin: time will inevitably leave its mark... we should accept our mortality with dignity.
One of the things about growing, and growing up, is that you inch closer to death. There is no growing up without wrestling with mortality.
Brian in particular is called out by the narrative constantly. By episode 4, Ted forces Brian to be his power of attorney, to make the final decision whether he should live or die, because Brian needs to make the same damn choice. It’s the central choice Brian will have to make in the series: does he want to live? Because if he wants to live, he has to grow. And the rest of the remaining five seasons constantly ask Brian to think about what that means, holding his feet to the fire and forcing him to grow.
The concept of aging is brought up in terms of this as well. From the start, Brian is terrified of turning 30 (oh boy, I feel ya there, Brian). He’s even suicidal at the thought, because he can’t fathom being older which has dual meaning for his character: firstly, that he’s stuck in adolescence emotionally, and secondly that he’s afraid to take charge of his own life. If he does, he’ll have to take responsibility for things. Being forced to take responsibility for not just Gus, but Justin, Lindsay, Michael, and other moments... it was good. Being young isn’t demonized either: in some ways, Brian being with Justin is a symbolic (literary please I’m not talking real life problematic elements) way of Justin meeting Brian at that age emotionally, and them growing together. Debbie even says that they are “pretty evenly matched” maturity-wise. It’s also a real-world psychological fact that people who experience trauma as children can become emotionally “stuck” at that age, unable to move past it.
All of this ties into the PTSD motif with both Brian and Justin suffering from the disorder post-Chris’s attack. PTSD can make you feel like you’re not really living, which the show displays. A psychiatrist tells Brian:
It's like a fairy tale, Rapunzul or Hansel and Gretl, but the cage is his mind, and it's up to you, the handsome prince, to release it.
This applies to more than just Justin’s repressed memories of the attack; it applies to their entire relationship over the course of the show. They have to escape their cages of trauma and terrible coping mechanisms in order to fully, truly live. Justin is as much the handsome prince to Brian’s trapped Rapunzel as Brian is a prince rescuing Justin--for the entire show.
In season 3, Justin even directly tells Brian that the latest comic based on Brian is about: "It's about thawing his cold heart, bringing him back to life. It's about their love. It's about commitment." Those elements give life.
Season 4 is where the motif of life and death really picks up again, when Vic dies and Brian is diagnosed with testicular cancer. Brian contemplates letting himself go out in a blaze of glory, young and handsome, but in the end goes through with the treatment (which involves removing a testicle) after spending time with Lindsay and his son Gus, with Michael, and with Justin telling him that he loves him again.
The finale of Season 4 has Brian breaking his collarbone and still insisting on finishing the bike ride. Brian is literally in front of a graveyard on the path when Michael shows up next to him and insists that if he’s going to do this, they’re going to do it together. They come to the finish line hours after everyone else has finished, and Brian, in agony, decides he’s close and enough and wants to stop.
But then he sees Justin waiting for him over the finish line, along with Debbie who loves him like a mother, and Ben (Michael’s newlywed husband) and Hunter. And he’s motivated to push forward and finish well, despite the pain because the people who love him want him to live.
The Scarf and Art as Life
That bloodstained scarf Brian buys himself for his thirtieth birthday becomes a beautiful symbol of not just Brian and Justin’s relationship, but Brian’s life, which is forever tied to Justin. Brian at first buys the expensive scarf to indulge himself (as he starts the series doing in spades), then uses the scarf to get off and simultaneously flirt with dying via autoerotic asphyxiation, and then finally uses the scarf to dance with Justin. But the scarf becomes soaked with Justin’s blood after Chris’s attack, and yet Brian continues to wear it.
He can’t take it off, because it’s their lives in a symbol. When Justin starts to remember what happened, he uncovers the scarf on Brian. When they make love for the first time after the attack, the camera focuses on the scarf lying beneath their feet.
Justin’s life is his art, which Brian directly says in the first season, and which Debbie emphasizes by telling Justin as he wrestles with whether or not to go to Dartmouth for business like his father wants or to pursue his art (his own life):
Debbie: you don't have the power to get [your parents] back together. But you do have the power to fuck up your own life. So make sure you think twice before you do it.
Chris’s attack almost steals Justin’s life and his art (literally, though the damage to his brain and hand) from him. When Justin struggles with his recovery and considers dropping out of art school and Brian buys him a computer so he can do digital art, he reacts angrily:
Justin: You can tell everyone you fixed Little Justin's problems? Well, you can't fix this. No one can.
In season 2, Brian pissing on Justin and Michael’s comic is really symbolic not just of the injustice he did to Michael and Justin’s lives, but also symbolic of how he feels about himself (as Debbie says, they literally based the hero on Brian, because “you’re their hero”).
At the end of the series, when Justin goes to New York to pursue his art fulltime, it’s symbolic of him being fully alive--and symbolic of Brian being so as well. Why? Because Brian’s life is tied to Justin’s, forever and always. If Justin lives freely and succeeds, then Brian will as well. Brian telling Justin to go was him choosing to live fully and freely for the first time.
Religion, Fathers, Mothers, and Sons
Justin: I've caused them enough pain.
Brian: It's bullshit. They cause their own pain just like everyone else.
There are so many parental relationships in the series, and they span from the horrific to the beautiful. Debbie is the mom I want to be, and good religious rep... in contrast to, say, Brian’s family, which is horrifying. I mean, Brian’s dad legit telling his son “it should be you who’s dying” when Brian tries to finally tell him he’s gay after his father’s terminal diagnosis was a moment I audibly gasped in horror.
Brian’s mother, however, while horrifically homophobic, cold, and emotionally and verbally abusive, was still very humanized in that it’s clear she has no one to love her and be kind to her. Brian’s kindness is to not take her faith from her. I also liked the priest character, because he was upfront that he never taught anything but God’s love, and God was whom he answered to. He also pointed out to Brian that he has someone he can always count on and have around: God. For Brian, that person is Justin (the religious motif is emphasized also by the fact that Justin tells Daphne “I met God” after meeting Brian the first time, and by the scene in the final season when Brian prays with Debbie for Michael to survive his injuries--although, as both say, they aren’t asking God so much as they’re “telling” (which btw is actually biblical lol). But the point is that Brian then goes and tells Justin the truth finally: that he loves him).
Debbie moms everyone in the group, and helps Jennifer learn to be a better mom to Justin as well. But Debbie can herself grow as well: she projects her fears and trauma over Vic’s illness onto Ben and Michael, and allows her own insecurities to ruin her relationship with her brother.
Justin’s father is terrible, but Jennifer is instead well-intentioned and flawed, fairly complex. She at first blames Brian for Justin’s injury, and Brian ironically chooses to believe her (that it’s his fault) over Justin (who directly says “it’s not your fault” multiple times while embracing him). Again, this is symbolic of Brian’s childishness (believing a parent over an equal), but what helps is how Jennifer grows and apologizes to Brian, asking him to help Justin instead. By showing Brian that growing doesn’t always mean turning into a miserable, angry bastard, Jennifer actually gives Brian a good example of how to stop being an asshole.
Parents can grow, because parents are human.
Injustice
Ben: Your children lead privileged lives, and you dare to laugh at my son's misfortune.
By the end of season one, the relationships we’ve been following all reach significant moments: Blake runs away from rehab and thereby from Ted, and he has to face that he cannot save Blake. Michael moves to Portland with David, taking a risk that ultimately doesn’t work out. And Brian finally makes a good choice, coming to Justin’s prom. The couple that made the best decision for each other in that episode? They’re the ones that end up in the worst tragedy, when Chris attacks Justin. It’s wrong, it’s infuriating, and it’s devastating.
It’s also unfair in another element: the narrative has been challenging Brian to grieve, but Justin being the one actually to almost die seems horrifically wrong--and that’s the point, and what makes it powerful. Justin did nothing wrong insofar as learning to grieve goes, but he pays the price. In this, the show calls out a double standard in society, shows us how unfair it is. The innocent, the childlike sunshine, pays the price for society’s bigotry, for adults inability to healthy process emotions, for all of it--burdens they should never take on.
The motif of injustice comes up again and again throughout the show: Lindsay’s parents paying for her sister’s three weddings yet calling Lindsay’s marriage to Melanie not “real.” Hunter being targeted at school for having HIV after being abused physically, mentally, and sexually his entire life, the pursuit of justice for the murder of Jason Kemp, Michael and Ben not being able to legally marry, the issues around adoption... we also never really find out who attacked Babylon. These plotlines are seldom resolved with feel-good bows (with the exception of Jason Kemp’s murder), because there’s still work to be done in the world.
Love: An Unconstrained Risk
One of the main symbolic messages of the show, especially when taken in the context in which it was made (early 2000s, before same-sex marriage was legal in any state in the USA), is that love can’t be easily defined or put into a box, but love is powerful and life-giving. The fact that most of the romantic relationships in the show were, obviously, queer, highlights this. The romances also weren’t limited by age--we have younger, older, and elderly people falling in love--or by health.
Whether or not legal marriage was allowed, the love and commitment Melanie and Lindsay have is real. Ditto for Ben and Michael. Despite the weird, even creepy on the outset age differences between Emmett and George (and to a lesser degree Justin and Brian), both of these relationships ended up being really beautiful. Love isn’t even defined by time or broken by death: it goes on and on. That’s one of the main messages of the ending--that time and space have little say in the love Brian and Justin have for each other. Love will not, cannot be constrained by forces manmade or intrinsic to the universe. (That said, I still would have liked to see them actually get married, because there was foreshadowing for it... but the ending is well-written.)
Love also comes with risks, which itself is a theme that ties in with the concept of being in the present moment (another theme). Marriage is a risk for Lindsay and Melanie, Ben and Michael, Brian and Justin, Debbie and Horvath--and not choosing to marry is a risk as well in the latter two cases. Moving to Oregon with David only for it not to work out for Michael was a risk, as was choosing to love Ben despite the fact that people were warning him about Ben’s HIV positivity. Vic moving out with Rodney was a risk. Tucker and Jennifer was a risk. Ted falling for Blake was a risk that seemed to not pay off, but then later did.
There is no love without risk, and the tides may not run smoothly, but it doesn’t make it any less real and eternal. This applies to an extent to self-love as well. Drew coming out, Melanie and Lindsay giving themselves permission to get married, Brian really only learning to love himself through loving and caring for Justin.
The idea of love as a risk is honestly most fully embodied in Michael’s character as well, particularly in the motif of fantasy vs reality. Michael’s major issue early on was his unrequited love for Brian, which made him leaving with David a good choice for his character... even if it was obvious the relationship was doomed. Why? Because David clearly loved the idea of Michael more than Michael himself, and Michael loved the idea of David and the white picket-fence life (which he genuinely wants and does get) more than the reality of who David was. With Ben as a husband and Hunter as their son, it was hard, riskier than staying in reveries.
The Finale
Which is again why the finale works from a literary perspective even if my taste is to like things neatly wrapped up. Instead of marrying, they commit to loving each other without full guarantees, because they both still have a little more growing up to do (honestly, QAF is a bildungsroman). Brian’s finally saying the words “I love you” was progress; the proposal was less so because it was made out of fear, out of I can’t risk losing you, rather than a full maturation. But you have to risk in love. I honestly think the implication is that Brian and Justin will end up together for real, probably married, since it’s still abundantly clear that what they want is each other, and they are forever each other’s life; we don’t necessarily need to have it spoonfed to us to see the narrative implication.
I mean, really. The narrative showed us at the start of season five that Brian made room for Justin to move in even while not expecting him to come back from LA (showing a part of him does know they’ll be together), called out the fact that Brian didn’t return the rings, they promised to visit, and how. many. times. did the series have Brian fantasize about going to New York for some fancy life, while Justin’s fantasies were always about ending up married with the love of his life? It’s pretty clear their goals do align--there’s just still more growing to do first. Yes, no future is guaranteed, but the hint at an off-screen happily-ever-after so blatant I’d barely call it a hint. We even have, back in season 4, Vic’s post-death pseudo-spiritual visit to Brian’s dream, where he tells Brian he was lucky to get four more years after his almost-death, but “you’ll have a lot more than that.”
Also again, season 4′s finale can be seen as symbolic of where it’ll end up. Michael and Brian move towards the finish line, Brian, because he’s crippled in pain and literally broken, is running hours later than everyone else. But with Michael pushing him towards the finish line--where Michael’s husband and son wait alongside Brian’s partner in Justin... well, it’s clear they’re still pushing towards that line by the end.
And finally, all the foreshadowing of an off-screen married happily-ever-after ending for Brian and Justin in season 5: Justin going to LA and coming back, despite Brian thinking he won’t. Hunter leaving, and then returning. (Let love go, and it’ll come back.) Someone remarks that it is “magical thinking” that Melanie and Lindsay would get back together, and Emmett responds “Well, you never know.” Lo and behold, they do get back together, despite reaching the lowest of the low in their relationship and doing things to each other that could honestly be seen as unforgivable. Blake and Ted reunite at last, because it had always been “right person, wrong time” for them, and it was finally time. I kind of don’t think the main relationship of the entire series is supposed to be the exception.
Being Yourself
Michael: ...being different is what makes us all the same. It's what makes us family.
Of course, another main theme throughout the show was that of being yourself. It’s pretty expected for a queer show, but QAF gives it a unique twist in how it emphasizes this (not just in season 3). But starting in season one, Brian tells Justin he’ll go on to meet lots of other guys, and Justin replies that he doesn’t want other guys: he wants Brian. The rest of the show is precisely about Justin discovering what that means. The end is Justin still wants Brian, but he doesn’t want Brian to deny himself completely--that’s actually Justin showing that he really loves and wants Brian as he is.
But, the show also emphasizes that no person is an island. People do need each other, and the things we do with our lives do affect others. See again: Brian choosing to go through with his cancer treatment for the sake of his loved ones, Hunter desperately needing Ben and Michael as his parents, and how when the community bands together, they’re really able to accomplish the unbelievable, even the miraculous (taking down Stockwell, rebuilding Babylon).
Stuff I Didn’t Love
The season 3 plotline with Brian’s nephew accusing him falsely was a retread and not a good idea: the idea that kids often lie about that is just not particularly helpful (because it’s not true), and the plotline/challenge for Brian’s character was done much better with the sexual harassment suit from Kip in season one.
The season 4-5 plotline of Lindsay cheating on Melanie and the ensuing custody battle was another retread of Melanie cheating in season one and while it did ultimately not ruin their characters (which it could have done; to their credit the writers made it work), it wasn’t exactly the best choice of writing either.
Emmett and Ted had no chemistry so I could never buy them as anything more than filling space, which I think was the point in the end, but for a few episodes it seemed to be taken too seriously as something to root for when it... wasn’t.
Overall Impression
I’m drawn to stories about existentialism, stories that explore nuance and empathy, stories with themes like what it means to be human, stories that aren’t sanitized for the sake of a moral message (biggest fear for any reboot right here). Maybe it’s again the fundie upbringing, but I constantly feel like I have to earn the right to exist and struggle with accepting both the best and worst aspects of myself, and media that explores questions more so than hammers a message appeals to me (because I actually feel like the messages of these media pieces comes across stronger). Queer as Folk is all of those things, plus some really tight writing and excellent symbolism for any literature nerd to salivate over (most shows never use symbolism anymore! Never!)
In some ways, certain aspects make it very much a product of its time, but in other ways, it’s timeless. It’s really an artistic masterpiece that reminded me of what I love about humanity and life itself, that makes absolutely no apologies for its stance on love as something powerful (another thing missing in modern media: the concept that love wins), that doesn’t give us simple answers for what it means to recover from trauma as individuals and as a society, that doesn’t write literally any single character off as a one-note person who can never change while at the same time acknowledging how hard, long, and winding changing is, and what can and cannot change in a human.
On a personal note, realizing, after I’d finished the show, its connection to a genuinely traumatic childhood moment that actually, years later, helped me escape me a cult adds another piece of sentimental value. And @our-mathematical-universe, you were right when you nagged me to watch this over the past few years.
