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I love my chosen name, but I also love my given name. No one offline calls me by my chosen name, but I’ve only told one person about it and he mostly calls me pet names (he’s my spouse). How can I assert my chosen name when I really don’t mind my given name? My favorite part of the day is being called by my chosen name when I order coffee, but I have a strong family connection and love for my given name. I’m so conflicted. I can’t pass it off as a nickname. I don’t know what to do... Any advice?

When my dad was a boy, he had a nickname. No one calls him by his nickname except for his family anymore, because he has a rule: if you knew him and used his nickname before he turned 18, you still may. Otherwise you have to use his full, preferred name. You could do something similar, so that your family still uses your given name, making any transition easier for them and maintaining those connections, and your friends and coworkers use your preferred name. I apologize for the late response, and I truly hope that this helps.

#queerbert #names #asks

queerbert

The tenth doctor's fursona was a golden retriever....

Donna, Pomeranian.

YES

#queerbert #replies

queerbert replied to your post “Alloromantic aces, listen up.”

I thought ace and aro were different, not categories of the same thing? Asking honestly—I know we are united in that we are a-spec (along with agender), but I wouldn’t expect an aro character to necessarily be ace, and I wouldn’t expect an ace character to be aro. I learned we are united, but different. Did I learn it wrong? I mean no hate, I want to learn to better understand. Why assume an ace character is aro? (I know this could come off as arophobic and I really promise I don’t mean to be!)

I’m not sure if you’ve misread the post, if you don’t understand the word “alloromantic” or if there’s other common terms/frameworks in a-spec discussions you aren’t yet exposed to. Are you reading “alloromantic” as “aromantic”, perhaps?

(Side note: this blog isn’t a 101 level space and I don’t recommend it for folks needing that kind of education and support. This blog is for aro-specs, like myself, who were tired of so many aro-spec blogs being bogged down in introductory-level questions about terminology and identity, and my discussion posts assume some familiarity with our language and the current shape of the a-spec community.)

My post is not about assuming an ace character is aro. My post is about acknowledging the different experiences between aces who are also aromantic/aro-spec (aro-aces) and aces who experience romantic attraction (alloromantic aces). My post is about asking alloromantic aces, who tend to dominate discussions in the ace community right now, to label the alloromantic ace content they’re celebrating as alloromantic so aro-aces can move on in search of content that represents us. My post is about combating the aro erasure in the ace community by asking that alloromantic aces stop assuming that their romantic content is applicable to all aces, including aro-aces.

Right now, many media posts in ace spaces depict or discuss alloromantic aces--aces who experience romantic attraction. The authors of these posts tell me to be excited about alloromantic ace rep, that these stories are important for the whole ace community, that I need to support and celebrate romance narratives because I am ace. These posts ignore the fact I am aromantic in favour of centering the ace by assuming I should be as passionate about romance narratives as the author, despite my being aro. All I am asking is that alloromantic aces indicate that the content they’re promoting is relevant to alloromantic aces so aro-aces, especially those of us who prefer our media without romance storylines, can scroll past--instead of having to read five paragraphs into a post to discover that this story that is supposed to represent us by virtue of depicting asexuality doesn’t depict us at all.

My post is all about not treating ace and aro as the same thing, to address a long-running frustration I have with the ace community’s tendency to ignore and erase aros in favour of treating the ace as the only quality that matters. My post is about saying that the experience of being ace and having romantic attraction is very different from the experience of being ace and being aromantic/aro-spec, so please let’s acknowledge that.

(Also, the idea that “agender” is an a-spec umbrella identity, as opposed to just having the same letter and therefore being under the A in LGBTQIA+, isn’t universal. I know some others don’t mind this, and there are gender identities that are shaped and impacted by being ace-spec and/or aro-spec, but the agender umbrella, in my opinion, is far too different an experience to be shoved under the a-spec one. One talks about the presence or lack of gender; the other talks about the presence or lack of sexual or romantic attraction. They can be related, but they operate on different axes. Not to mention that “a-spec” in practice seems like “mostly ace but a teensy bit aro so we look inclusive while engaging in aro erasure of the sort described above”, so shoving “agender” under the a-spec umbrella is only going to result in even more erasure for agender and aro folks. Speaking as an agender aro, nope.)