#queerrelationships

[stingscustom]

Introducing the Forever Together Heart Cloud Mug – the perfect way to sip love this holiday season! Whether you’re separated by miles or cozy together, this mug is a heartfelt reminder of those special connections. Who would you share a coffee break with? Tag your long-distance loved ones and let them know they’re always in your heart! Don't miss out on the chance to make this holiday a little more magical. Share your moments and inspire others to celebrate their relationships! #LongDistanceLove #GiftIdeas #HolidayMagic #HeartfeltMoments #CeramicMugs

[lavaboy]

4.12

there are some things you don't know. i don't know if you've seen my spotify playlists about you. i don't know if you can feel the tension hanging between us as something much more than merely platonic or sexual. but i'm pretty sure you think i'm just a person who is your friend again, who you maybe had feelings for in the past, who only wanted to fuck. i know how it looks, and to be honest, if i explained it, i don't know that it would look any better in the full light, but i need to get it out, and i need to be honest with fucking someone in my life, even if it's my computer.

i fell in love with you the instant i met you. i didn't even have the money to take you out to brunch the next day, but i wanted to, so i did. i don't remember a lot from that night. we were pretty fucked up. but i do remember some things. i remember asking if i could put your dick inside of me (sorry lol). they'd done it in the trans porn i'd watched, so i thought it was okay. i was also borderline blackout drunk. my judgement wasn't its best. but i wanted you. i wanted every part of you i could fit in my hands, in my arms. to put it nicely, i was obsessed.

when i met you, though, i had just gotten out of three relationships, in a way. of course, there was JB, who i had just finally freed myself from after 5 long years of being hung up on a quite average white, cis, bicurious man. waiting for him to want to be with me for real again. we'd fucked around for a long time, pre and post breakup with my lookalike. i had spent so long wanting him and getting barely anything in return, and savoring every part of it. i had also just been ghosted by my two best friends of 5 years. and i still didn't fully understand what went wrong with addy and avery, but i knew i would make sure things were different with you, because i didn't want to fuck this up.

so i followed every rule, i kept myself at a safe distance. when you left me to be with someone else--a date, a lover, a partner, a flirt--i didn't complain, and i surely didn't show if i was jealous. right after we met, i went on a roadtrip with camilla. we spent hours alone in the car together, just the two of us. and i couldn't stop talking about you. you're the only one who really knows how much i've changed since i met you. you met me right at the start. i didn't know anyone who was doing this shit before i met you. i had just spent the last year or so withdrawing further into myself, denying and figuring things out at the same time. i became addicted to drugs, got fucked up every night in my room, spent all my time on tiktok. i looked the part in some ways at that point, but you were still the coolest person i had met in my life. and i was so content being your friend, being friends with a musician, with another person living in la, but a person who was doing things i actually liked.

i never wanted to move to la, not the la that avery showed me. when i visited her, we went to the grove, to bars like the den, got drunk in weho, wondering why i felt the innate need to run away. i never felt that way with you. but being here with you made me want to make this place my home. i'm getting off topic.

i'm writing this letter as a record of how i felt, in case i ever try to convince myself it happened differently in my head again.

this first part is to say that i wanted you so badly, i wanted you to be my girlfriend the minute i met you, but i didn't want to ask for too much. you were in a relationship. it was not poly at the time. you were open, though, so i took what i could get. i took late-night hookups after we went out. we used to do that all the time. and i was always afraid if i said something, it would break the spell and it would be over. the thing you don't know is how many poems, journal entries, and songs i wrote about how much it killed me to be the one you hooked up with here while you got to be in love with someone else thousands of miles away. if you were poly then, i might have told you how i felt. you had nic, though, and i knew that from the beginning. so i never let myself take it any further, not outside of my own head, anyway.

and then, you became poly. but at that point, i had met troy. i met a sweet, cute boy who kind of looked like a girl. and he was obsessed with me back. it felt so good to be with someone who wanted me so unashamedly, so limitlessly. i didn't have to compete with anyone else, i knew i was the best thing he'd ever had and probably ever would have. but i knew you didn't like it, not at first. or maybe that was in my head too. but i remember going to sour prom with you, jace, and troy (our second date) and i remember feeling your jealousy. i told myself that you were just jealous as a friend is when someone else steps in and takes their attention. but that was the first time i  wondered if maybe you'd had feelings for me too. but it was too late. i knew you were upset when we had the wedding. i remember talking to jace about it and him asking if i thought you were jealous. but you had addy, and you seemed happy about it eventually, and i had found someone who could be with me all the time.

have you ever wondered why troy and i became open and i never fucked anyone besides you? i missed you. i missed your body, kissing you--i missed the space between platonic and romantic. i missed the delusion i used to play in my head that maybe, way down the line, we would be together. i used to think that maybe if you and nic broke up, that we would be together. but by the time that happened, you already had two other partners. so, yeah, we only opened up our relationship so i could fuck you. and had a brief period of discussing the possibility of poly, because i wanted to be with you. and i thought maybe, i guess, if we were poly, that i could have both. i could finally have what i'd wanted since the moment i met you--you, and i could have troy to fill the spaces in between when i didn't have you. but that's not what happened.

this brings us closer to the end. you came over one night during this time, and i needed you. i needed support. i was going through it. but, as we know, this lasted a long time. and you were talking about dating apps and joann, and you got too high, and you weren't there for me. and i thought to myself, i need more from a partner. i wanted you, but i needed more. and i knew that. so i texted troy that night that i didn't want to try being poly. and i said a lot of reasons why. i said i just want to be with one person or whatever to you, but in reality, it was because i didn't think i could be in a relationship with you, and i didn't want to be poly to be with anyone else.

and why did i stay with him? why did i choose troy over taking the morsels you gave me? because he was there, because i couldn't have you.

to be continued.

[lavaboy]

3.21

okay so i'm panicking. maybe it's because a lot of things are all happening at once, and i'm supposed to be the one who's calm on the outside. i told everyone i had this under control. i have to be daddy, for what feels like, all the time these days. and it's not that i don't want to be. it's not even that i don't like it. but there are levels. there are the times when it's fun, and there are times when it is fucking frightening. everyone says, do this or do that, and i am the one who has to make sure it doesn't fall apart. i make it happen. in the end. all the time.

or maybe it's because i just can't shake it. the feeling i was able to talk myself out of a year ago, but am, for some reason feeling again now. i think about her all the time. and something that felt so hidden, is suddenly crashing in with the rest of my world, and i can't keep it to myself anymore. and all i ever wanted was to have her to myself. i knew i couldn't, though, and i tried so hard to be okay with that. and even as a friend, i told her i needed more from her. and i did. but beign around her now, i still feel it. i felt it when she rested her head on my shoulder, and almost instinctively, when i responded wordlessly by placing my hand on her knee. like we always knew we'd end up back here.

and i find myself feeling possessive, even now. obsessive, even. i looked for her in every person in that crowd, as i often have in places i thought i might see her. (i just spent 30 minutes and am still spending time trying to locate the hotel we spent our first night together in because i've hyperfixated on it for the last 2 weeks and cannot think of anything else.) update: i didn't find it. the way i've felt the same withdrawals i did with zeke, the way my body can't seem to handle missing her now that i know it's so close. the way i feel it in my gut every time she doesn't text me back. maybe i always knew that was why i was so hurt when she chose so many other people over me. even though i knew she'd have me if i said so, every time.

but then part of me tells myself that what i want is just to get off on feeling like i have this sick twisted place in her life that no one can replace. i looked for her everywhere in that club. in every face, every tall blonde femme in the crowd. and it felt just like--like such edward cullen shit. like a fucking vampire in the club, glaring out suspiciously, waiting for my lost lover to arrive so i can protect her. and of course, by the time i did find her, she was already pretty drunk, which i hate to admit, but is one of my favorite tropes. i love keeping a pretty drunk girl safe. maybe it's because i somehow think i'm the only person equipped for the job, but i love guiding her through the crowd by her pinky, holding her hand, holding her hair. god, the things you are able to romanticize after growing to hate with a year of distance.

dead people get off easy, their actions forever memorialized in only the good stuff. this is what i have to remember, though, about CX. i have to remember all the parts, why i chose TB, why i didn't even tell him there was a choice. why i pretend like i never loved her, not like that. why i told jo that i wasn't serenading her when i sang you and i--i was. because of course i was. because the only reason i wanted to be open was so i could taste her again. because the feelings inside me were getting to be a bit--much. because the only reason i even thought about being poly for a second was so i could be with her. because i realized i couldn't share her. because i realized i needed someone who could take care of me, too. because i realized i needed more in a partner. and i decided this before even giving her a chance, but that doesn't mean i think i made the wrong decision.

i think i made the right decision. i thought i did. but then my body went into full-on fight or flight mode after our first queer couples counseling consultation where we found out the cost was 5k. and i fucking went along with that, like no problem. i saw TB's eyes light up, and they said there was a waitlist, and there were only two open spots (smart) and i said yes, and the first payment went through for $1666. so the invoice came in, and i saw the angel numbers: 666.

so it's a sign to refocus. but on what? am i supposed to be doing this therapy? or is this telling me that i need to not focus on this so much, and that i'm about to waste a bunch of money on shit solutions for a relationship that i might be done trying for. 

so there it is. the fear. the fear that after all this time, after accepting so much, that i still love her more than i love him. that i waited for him to evolve, and he has, but not into her. that i told myself that would happen at all. but what if i'm the type to jump ship when i feel a better option? i am proud of myself for sticking it out in this relationship, but i can feel myself become more distant from TB by the day. 

i know objectively i can't break up with him. i shouldn't. but i want to. i know i'll regret it, but right now, i want to.

i can't even think about her without my stomach dropping. and of course, i feel guilty because he is already being so trusting with me, encouraging me to pursue this friendhsip again. and obviously it's not even an option right now, but i can't stop thinking about her, and it doesn't feel the way i know friendship feels.

it's not the way i feel around ayesha. it's not the way i ever felt with AS or AB. i just feel--like helpless lately when i think of her. but maybe i just crave newness. maybe i just can't be satisfied with something for long enough. and here i am, and what the fuck am i going to do if he leaves? if i make him leave? he doesn't want to leave. i know. i can tell. but i just keep drifting away. i know he can feel it. i can see it in his face.

i think i fucked up. i don't know how but i feel like i massively fucked up. what have i done where am i what did i do is it normal to feel this panicky when investing in your relationship with your partner?

fuck, i feel the way i felt like with JB, but i also feel like JB? like i became JB? yeah, no, that's what this feels like. more so. like i just fucking need to see her. and i have never needed that from TB, mostly because he's always been here.

and how did i make a song that used to make me sad make me think of her and make me sad all over again? how am i pining again

how am i pining again

i thought i was over this shit

i need to tell someone

there is no one to tell

because everyone got to love her but me

one more night holding your hand, not

knowing what might find me at home.

one more night underneath my sheets--i

feel more than i see, and this has

always been my favorite way to

get to know you.

one more night pretending that we could have it all

because why am i still so in love

with the way your smile

pours into me

[maryamsefati]

"Even though my friends and family saw me as gay, changing how I saw myself, and my place in the world, would take time, and real work." @thespitzer on what he calls "The Big Gay Move". Another illustration I did for Catapult magazine for this month.

[comingouttarot]

Revealing The Top 5 Out Queer Relationships Challenges The top 5 challenges that your queer relationships go through can benefit from a tarot reading with personal insights. http://bit.ly/2I6W3Zz

[comingouttarot]

🏳️‍🌈 You Are Special And Valued - Tarot Will Remind You http://bit.ly/2tDxmdt

🏳️‍🌈 You Are Special And Valued - Tarot Will Remind You

Seth from ComingOutTarot discusses how you are special, valued, and important in this world. It would be so quiet without your voice. There would be so much ...

[comingouttarot]

Revealing The Top 5 Out Queer Relationships Challenges The top 5 challenges that your queer relationships go through can benefit from a tarot reading with personal insights. http://bit.ly/2I6W3Zz

[queering-relationships]

Adjective describing a relationship which is more intense and intimate than is considered common or normal for a "friendship", but doesn't fit the ...

I just think this is great