#journal posting

[jellydayalex]

Testing out shading

i suck at it🤣

[cowboyera]

So I don't post that much about being exmormon on here bc tbh it's not that big of a part of my life anymore . But recently I told my parents (still mormon) that I have a girlfriend. I've been dating her for most of this past year and I didn't want it to be a secret anymore. We are talking about moving together and I see her being a part of my life for a long time, and I feel like they need to know.

I did this over text. I came out to them over 2 years ago but whenever we talk about me being gay since then (or come close to talking about it) it's like walking on egg shells. My mom will tear up and be quiet, although my dad generally takes it better. This is the first time I've talked to them about anyone that I've dated, but it's also the first time since I came out that I've dated anyone seriously.

Honestly they took it better than I could stand to expect. My dad reacted basically with a bit of surprise and asked how I wanted to move forward... BUT of course he had to put something on the end.

"the love a parent has for their child is so incredible. I love you more than you will ever understand until your own children. You also have a heavenly Father who loves you more than you or I could ever understand"

On its face this is all kind of fine. Again, not the worst thing he could say. But it's everything that's kind of unsaid.

"until" I have my own kids. Not 'unless' not 'if,' but until, like it's inevitable and I'll figure out that I'm meant to marry a man and have kids some day. Even though I've literally never in my life showed interest in that. What I'm doing rn is just a side track away from the straight and narrow path.

And the whole mention of heavenly Father. What is he trying to accomplish by including this. 'heavenly father loves you but what you're doing makes him sad' 'heavenly father loves you and he wants you to marry a man' 'heavenly father LOVES you in a true way, while your love is a false love.' mind you I have been open with not believing in the church long before I came out to my parents as gay.

When I first came out to my mom, I told her I wanted to tell her the truth after so many years of lying. she told me something like "you know [my name] there's 'truth' and then there's truth." It implies that I'm deluding myself into being gay or that perhaps I was tricked by 'the World' at some point and overall just questions my ability to know myself. My personal epistemic authority. It kind of feels like the same thing is happening again

Please feel free to reply or vent I kinda need it :/

[pathfinderswiftpen]

Happy Passover to all those who observe!

(now to see if I can access the best adaptation)

[couldbecullen]

transcriptions and revisions incoming (assuming i don’t lose interest halfway through and abandon this forever)

[itsyaboyeric]

Below the cut is a small blurb I wrote about how I feel about life and opportunity, titled 'The Revolving Door'.

It's a stream of consciousness piece but I've been thinking about the core ideas on and off for a little while.

Didn't sit well with just keeping it in my notes app.

👇

In the grand scheme of everything that is; which is to say, all that is apparent in this life, whether it be abstract feelings tied to perceived social slights or concrete damage to the physical body, we are tied to the lives of others all around us by invisible chains we can never remove.

The revolving door of opportunity never closes.

When one man dies a baby is born in his place. And when that man dies, he pulls the chain ever forward. One generation gets closer to death as the next generation comes into its own. The baby learns to walk as the elder becomes incapable. The revolving door drags everyone through it. We are all bound forward by this invisible chain.

As one opportunity ends, another begins. There will never be a shortage of opportunities. The social bonds that bind us are mute but immutable. You are to your father as your son will be to you; and, his son to him.

The causal link is bound to all of us, not individual but uniquely affecting all individuals. A high tide raises all boats. The revolving door pushes all people through it. I, you, me, and we are all bound to those both dead & yet to be born.

This link is causal, familial, ever reaching.

As one train leaves the station, another arrives. This revolving door never closes.

[vindicatedpollyanna]

Journal Pages 1 - The HATE Monolog

[the-carnival-complex]

i feel like were starting to make more progress !!

we've been talking more, and it seems to be getting a little easier, i think v is getting better with his communication, it seems clearer, easier to understand

he helped me some when i was freaked out by some yelling earlier, which im very appreciative for <3

we kinda wanna overhaul the website thing i used to initially plan things out, make it somewhere we can easily log things we discover