8. How do you feel about Wayward Son?
This may be a question that tends to divide some of the fandom. It’s a challenging one to answer but I will do my best. This may be long and incoherent. I have many feelings.
The run up to the release of Wayward Son felt very chaotic for me. I was disappointed that publishers and amazon had released some books early. I was desperately trying to avoid spoilers and honestly trying to shut down spoilers because having bits and pieces without the overriding, coherent narrative can really be damaging and upsetting and confusing. I wanted to read it without having any dread or concern and the internet made that very difficult, if not impossible. That was unfortunate.
I’d been looking forward to the book and in my head I had spun a very happily ever after happy ending that in retrospect was naive and unrealistic of me. I own that. That’s on me. Because that isn’t reality. It’s not how things work, not with such real characters who have endured so much and who have such diminished or flawed or basically nonexistent coping mechanisms. I know that. I should have remembered that. It’s in Carry On. You can see it.
What’s funny is I think fanfic played a significant role in my having those unrealistic expectations. My own fanfic included. But when I look closer, particularly at my unfinished fic Never Tear Us Apart--my sequel to CO that I didn’t manage to finish before WS--I see that I myself had plans to deal with loss and trauma and communication difficulty and heartache. Long before I read Wayward Son. That fic was outlined and plotted last February. Yes, a lot of it was fluff and romance because that’s just me, but I had plotted out many darker, angsty passages, which in retrospect make a lot of sense because after events of CO it can’t be all rainbows and lavender flavored unicorns because they all have such significant trauma and loss and confusion to process.
I finished Wayward Son at 4 am in a puddle of tears. I was hurt. I was a bit angry. I was heartbroken. The ending left me so wanting more. I know people felt it rushed through things. That the pace felt frenetic. That there were no resolutions of the big issues that affected the main characters. That it left so much open ended. I am not going to disagree because those are valid comments, even though I don’t necessarily feel that way about the book at this point in time. But not at any moment did I feel it was unrealistic in it’s approach to the issues they had. I think the handling of the aftermath of a chosen one’s journey was spot on. It’s the things we don’t think about. How to endure the loss that comes with it. How much one’s identity is tied to that role. How the fallout is magnified and translated and spreads to those around you as well.
I think it was a very sensitive and accurate portrayal of mental health issues as far as Simon is concerned. And Baz. And Penny. They are all struggling. They are all saddled with unhealthy mechanisms of coping. We know that about Baz and Simon from Carry On--Simon with his not thinking about things, Baz with withdrawing and building walls, just to name a few prominent ones. We’d had hints of Penny’s too. When you read Carry On after Wayward Son the clues are all there. I think to me that’s the remarkable thing about WS--that I probably should have been expecting it if I hadn’t fallen so deeply into the romance and firmly placed my rose colored glasses on. It’s all there.
I will say that I loved Wayward Son. I know that’s not a popular opinion. But it’s one I’ve come to over many months of thought, rereads and intense fic writing to process some of it myself. I think I appreciate it more every time. I think I appreciate it more after rereading Carry On. In my opinion it gives us such a real portrayal of the anguish, loss, post-trauma fallout, confusion, awkwardness, shity coping mechanisms that exist in the story and in these characters. It made me hurt. It made me empathize. It made me recognize things that perhaps I had not wanted to face myself. it resonated. It may seem hopeless that even Simon Snow is laid low by these emotions and plagued by doubts about self-worth and his place in the world. But I read that and I see that I’m not alone. That the doubts and thoughts and emotions that challenge me can challenge even those that I think are so much stronger, more capable, more resilient. He’s not weak. He’s not broken. Those trappings don’t define him. He may think he is and that they do but we know that’s not true. So perhaps that’s the case for me too.
I don’t expect others to share that view. We each look at it through our own unique lens. it hurt in so many ways. But it made me think so deeply about so much that I am eternally grateful for that.
Wayward Son did give us intense moments of joy, for which I am eternally grateful. Carry On doesn’t have that many itself when you look back--the magic sharing, chapters 61 and 62. Simon’s return in Chapter 67. The Epilogue. Not much more. In WS we have the fireflies, the renaissance faire, the truck scenes, the Hoover Dam scene, the flying scene, All of those are such beautiful, lyrical, emotionally impactful moments. Tinged with heartbreak but moving and real and in some ways hopeful in their own way. We see a softer, vulnerable Baz. WS shows us what a poet Simon Snow is, in his head. We actually see the depth of their love for each other, blighted though it may be by their communication difficulties, Simon’s depression, Baz’s paralysis as far as dealing with it all, the gulf between them that has grown as they struggle with the ramifications of all that has happened to them and between them. They can say it in their heads--the stumbling block is saying it to each other in a way that is understood. But again not so surprising, considering Simon’s issues with communication in CO and Baz coming from a family that shoves things under the rug rather than discuss them or address them directly.
They’re young. They’re inexperienced at relationships. Simon and Baz skipped straight from enemies, to wary allies, to terrible boyfriends. They jumped right over the traditional getting to know you middle part--they “knew” each other so well from observation over the years, from their obsessive watchfulness and laser-focused attention on each other but they didn’t know how to talk to each other. They didn’t know how to be with each other when things were calm and peaceful. They are traumatized and are doing their best to muddle through and carry on, on their own, without much help from anyone outside their trio. This road trip was the proverbial slap in the face they needed to get out of that rut. Make a change. Face the things that loomed over them.
I’ve reread WS since that first time. Listened to the audiobook. The joy and lyricism shine through on subsequent reads. The love emanates from the pages. No, we don’t get resolution of their issues but Baz has finally broken the wall and said something. Yes, a lot happened to them, in a rapid, frenetic fashion. It’s hard to believe the events of the book occurred over just one week. The last few pages made me ache. But I am still left with hope at the end. Hope that they will find a way to resolve things between them. Solve things for themselves as well.
I will always consider Carry On my comfort book. I turn to it when I need a soothing read, something familiar and loved and welcoming. But there are passages of WS that have left their mark on my soul. Painful but real. Beautiful but achingly so. It is the middle book, the time when things get dark, when all seems muddled and desperate. But there is a light. it will come in the third book. I’m not going to let myself be scared of it. Because whatever it is, I know it will be true to who Baz and Simon are and who they are becoming. I may rejoice or I may mourn but I know I will feel.
And I trust Rainbow. She’s never let me down. She loves Simon and Baz and she said she set out to write an epic love story. I believe in that.
(this is both more personal and much longer than I anticipated)
