#questioning anon

[asexual-society]

The “Q” was going to stand for Questioning. I’m not really up to speed on every single new definition of a term on Urban Dictionary. Sorry.

- Questioning Anon now I guess

Don't worry about it anon, genuinely, I didn't think there was any malicious intent and I figured that was the reason, but I thought it was probably best to acknowledge it bc I think neither of us wanted the other connotations of that phrase.

Hope you're doing okay :)

[illfoandillfie]

hi! feel free to ignore this but recently i started to question my sexuality and i thought i could maybe ask you a bit about it? i just want to chat to someone about it i guess because i‘m a bit overwhelmed rn.

so for example i like never get crushes; i think people are attractive or nice but like i never get the physical things people talk about. but when guys ask me if i‘m open to something casual i also don‘t want that i think? because i do enjoy the idea of a partner?

because i‘m a virgin but i also like never fantasize about sex with real life people? i only ever do that with fictional people

feel free to answer with anything you want! you‘re just a very nice person and i appreciate you 🤎

hey! hopefully I can be some help, I know how confusing it can all be so I'll try my best but I can't tell you for sure. I'm gonna chuck everything under a cut cause it's getting kinda long lmao

from what you've said theres defs a possibility you are a-spec (ie on the ace and/or aro spectrums). what you've described is defs similar to what i feel and what i've seen other a-spec people describe feeling.

In regards to being aro, because it's the one more familiar to me, it can be tricky to work out but the not experiencing crushes in the way they're often described I think would be a big indication that you are aro-spec. I know I don't really get crushes though I do find some people attractive as a potential partner. And you liking the idea of a partner isn't proof that you aren't aro-spec. Some aro people want relationships, some don't, some are okay with a casual hook up sitch and some want a long term monogamous partner. There's lots of different ways to be aro-spec and calling yourself aro comes down to how you experience romantic attraction.

You may decide you aren't completely aromantic and instead are aroflux (experiencing fluctuating levels of romantic attraction) or demiromantic (only experiences romantic attraction to people after forming a deep emotional connection) or any number of other identities. AUREA have a list of different terms related to the aro-spectrum so it might help to look through there and see if any of them make sense to you and your personal situation/feelings.

It's totally okay to test out a label for yourself and then change if it doesn't fit right, or else not use a label at all! I started off thinking I was Bi and then switched to Greyro (feels attraction cery rarely) and then when I thought about it more changed to Aro partly because I don't think I have ever felt romantic attraction and partly because it can be used as a general catch-all term so even if I do one day feel romantic attraction it still fits. But not using any labels is totally an option too! You can just decide you don't experience romantic attraction the way most people do and leave it at that if it feels too hard to narrow it down more! And then if you want to come back to it later and have a more specific word for it, then you can do that when you're ready and it feels less overwhelming.

AUREA do also have a FAQ page and theres a whole section about questioning if you're aro-spec which you might find useful.

Now, as for being ace I know a lot less. I have questioned whether I'm somewhere on the ace spectrum but I've not totally figured it out yet and it's not as important to me as figuring out I'm aro was. But I defs understand how being a virgin can make it hard to know. Personally, when I read or write smut I don't tend to imagine myself at all. Even if a fic is using Y/N for the character and everything is saying "you did this" and "you did that" I just cannot visualise myself in any sort of sexual situation. Which is why I think i'm quite possibly ace-spec. Again, I don't know as much about being ace but here is a list of different ace spectrum identities which will be similar to the aro spectrum list above. And a link to the Ace Visability Network FAQ page which may also be helpful to look through.

I know this can feel kinda worrying and overwhelming and be really tough to figure out so if you ever want to chat my DMs are always open, I am more than happy to go into details about how I figured it out or answer any questions you have to the best of my ability. Hopefully this helped a little even if it was just the pages I linked lmao!

[rose-wine-selfships]

Hello, I have a question (you can ignore this if you want) but how do you know if a character is your f/o? do you decide it or does it just naturally happen? I'm very curious since I've had strong feelings for a character for the longest now, and he's even my type of guy irl...

Hi there questioning anon!

Hmm...well one thing to know about having an F/O is that you can make your self shipping world in any way you want. When it comes to having an F/O, it is honestly a bit of both answers. Which is both deciding it and letting it naturally happen, although it is more the former than the latter.

If you really like this guy F/O, go ahead and make him your F/O! You can make the relationship in any way you want to. You can either be lovey dovey with him, or even have a complex or tsundere-like relationship. Like Bob Ross says," This is your world. You're the creator."

So go ahead and have fun anon! I encourage it! 🌹🍷 ✨

[dreamcatcherfication]

I agree with eka, you probably do hate me

Look, I don't hate you, I don't hate any of you. And again, I don't mean this in any way to be mean or hurtful and I truly apologize if it is. But you have to understand that saying things like "you probably hate me" comes from a place of insecurity (which is totally fine and relatable and I get that it's not easy to deal with) and it does really hurt me. Imagine saying to a friend "you probably hate me". That makes me feel like a shitty friend who's hurting you, and all I want to do is make sure you're happy. I can't keep doing that through short reassurances that everything is okay, that doesn't work.

Here, this is something I learned through therapy, and although it was taught specifically about OCD, I do believe it applies in this situation. When you have an obsession or an insecurity, you want it to stop. You want it to go away so you'll feel better. For OCD, that's compulsions to assure you that everything is okay. In a situation like this, those compulsions are assurances from other people that they don't hate you. But the problem is that even with those assurances, you're teaching yourself that it's a valid fear that your friends hate you. And while you can never definitively say that's not a possibility, you're just letting your brain come back over and over and plant this fear in your mind. The more and more you rely on other people to make sure your fears aren't true, the more and more they'll come back to bother you.

And I know it's not the most assuring thing to hear, I get it, truly, I have my own versions of these struggles. But please, there are so many ways to work on not giving in to your insecurities and not putting stress on the people around you to hold the burden on these problems. I'm not invalidating you on any level, because truly I get it, I understand that these fears feel overwhelming and that you need the reassurances. But it's only going to create more problems, I have to do my best to encourage you to battle these fears and insecurities.

I know I'm not the right person to give this speech, and I know it comes across like I'm annoyed with you or eka or whoever. It's not true, I don't hate you nor am I annoyed with you or done with you or whatever. It's hard dealing with this stuff, and what I think is hardest to realize is that in getting these short assurances, you're putting that weight onto other people, and that doesn't and shouldn't have to be the way it is.

So TLDR, please don't think I hate you, because I don't, nor do I hate any of you guys. It's just very hard to help someone in ways that truly they have to do themselves. And I really want you guys to be able to help yourselves so that these problems don't follow you, linger, or get worse as time goes on.

[pansapphicpositivity]

@Questioning anon - Just want to throw it out there that there are no rules saying you can't use multiple labels. I consider myself bi and and pan, for instance, and I've met people who use the same but also omni, or bi and poly, or literally any combo. It's whatever feels comfiest, and if more than one community feels like home, then that's cool - Genderfaer anon

^^^

[lesducks]

Ok but how did British jatp start

Yorkshire Luke.

[the-moon-pal]

...werewolf!magnum doing that dog thing and just hoarding all his toys but instead he basically just surrounds y/n with soft things and blankets and basically anyone who dares touch his children -questioning anon

Yes... Also i hope you don't mind but i been thinking how big is werewolf!magnum compared to werewolf!yancy and... He's a big wolf aight

[queenangst]

questioning anon (is that what i’m calling myself now?) again: ty for ur long answer!! if i may ask another q: did you decide you were aro and ace at the same time, or did you first say you were ace (for ex) and then aro? was there any distinction you made between the two? (ik there is one [not that i personally understand it] but i wonder if it.. impacted, for lack of a better word, your thought process in any way?) i did see that u wrote u id’d as demi for a bit

ummm, i think it’s kind of complicated. 

because of the state of my life and my mindset at the time, it was much easier for me to accept that i was asexual first while still identifying alloromantic (that is to say, romantically attracted to people, but not sexually, though i had no hard label as to who i was romantically attracted to... guess why). 

after learning the language surrounding the asexuality spectrum, i thought that i might be demiromantic. that isn’t true, but it was influenced by like i said my personal life, my emotional state at the time, and my beliefs. the reason it was easier to accept being asexual was that being asexual, in my opinion, didn’t largely affect the relationships i had with the people around me to the same extent that accepting being aromantic would. (for example: being in a romantic relationship that was non-sexual, societal expectations, my perception of family and what my family’s expectations were, etc).

so i rationalized being demiromantic until i couldn’t anymore. there are plenty of demi people and their identities are valid, but i am not demi; and i was trying to force myself to identify that way because i was scared.

having said all of that, i wouldn’t say there is necessarily a defined “moment” (like a single memory) where i “realized” i was aro, but rather after learning the term knowing but refusing to accept it.

i hope this makes sense? it’s a bit of a mess, because my journey was a bit of a mess. and it certainly wasn’t pretty, and there was a long period of time where i denied myself happiness and refused to accept myself as i was.