#questioning demigender

[raavenb2619]

so I'm slowly getting more comfortable with identifying as nonbinary, and I've changed my name and pronouns online/with my friends. (I know changing those things aren't a requirement of being nb but using them makes me much happier. gender euphoria or just being happy that people are listening to me and accepting me? idk. anyways.)

but I'm still finding it really difficult to actually determine what my gender is. i like very specific labels and I feel like if I have one, I'll be less scared of realising I was wrong and I'm just a cis girl who's fairly disconnected from femininity. I'm scared of what my friends will think if I "go back" to my old identity. but it all just feels very nebulous and I'm just like,,,,,,,"girl? but maybe not? both?? aaaa"

(also this is kind of a change of topic but i guess it kind of connects to the feeling of being afraid to go back.) I want to buy a binder but I'm worried that I won't like wearing it and I'll have wasted my money. should I just get one?

I can definitely relate. When I was figuring out my gender, I wanted to find specific labels that described exactly how I felt. I did eventually find some (agenderflux demigirl), and I’m glad that I have them, but I wouldn’t have predicted how exactly I’d end up using them. See, specific labels are great for finding other people who can relate to your niche experiences, but they can often require a lot of explaining on your part when you’re coming out to people or introducing yourself to people. I’m not trying to say that you shouldn’t look for specific labels (after all, they were empowering for me and very well could be for you), but just keep in mind that you might also end up using umbrella terms like nonbinary, trans, genderqueer, etc. 

I can’t tell you what specific label or labels to use, because that’s your decision, but I might be able to steer you in the right direction. Have you heard of demigender/demigirl? I use it to describe my complex relationship to femininity. I’m...sort of adjacent to being a girl, not exactly a girl, but also not exactly not a girl? (Things are even more complicated for me because the intensity of my gender changes, so sometimes I’m agender. If that matches with your experiences, you might find the term genderflux helpful.) As another resource, you might find a huge list like this helpful, but it can also be a little overwhelming by how many terms there are, so don’t spend too long on any term at first, and just see if it kind of “resonates” with you. 

Getting a binder is a fairly personal decision. If you’re not comfortable buying a binder, one option is to try wearing looser/baggier clothing to see if you like how that looks. I’m not a medical professional, so I’m not particularly qualified to give medical advice about binding, but there are things you can do to minimize the risks of binding; for example, one of the posts in my #binding tag says that it’s okay to bind with a sports bra that’s one size too small as long as you remember to take regular breaks, but that you should avoid anything smaller than that. 

If you do decide to bind, I recommend you read what different sources (this is a good place to start) have to say about safe binding practices. Binding safety is really important because the risk and harm that comes from unsafe binding can be long-term effects and take a while to appear, so it’s not always immediately obvious that what you might be doing is unsafe. However, your own mental health and wellness is important too, so you may reasonably decide that the benefits outweigh the risks of (safely) binding. 

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions. 

[raavenb2619]

i have a couple of questions about being gnc and about pronouns. i’m a cis girl, but i was wondering if i can call myself gnc if the only gnc things i do is not shave my legs, have an undercut, not wear makeup, and feel more like myself in less girly outfits? like idk if it really “counts”. also i’ve been trying she/they pronouns and whenever someone uses they for me it’s like that’s a little off, cuz i want them to know i’m using it in a “girl way”, but i’m also hesitant to give it up. advice?

this is gnc/ pronoun anon: is genderqueer girl a thing?

Gender nonconforming is a term that I don’t personally use that often, but it seems to refer to anyone whose gender expression doesn’t “conform” to the gender roles they’re expected to fit into. (Source, source) Going by that definition, it seems like anyone (even cis people) can call themselves gender nonconforming if they feel like they fit that definition. Personally, I don’t feel like it’s my place to say whether someone doesn’t fit a certain gender role, or is just exploring the space they’re societally “allowed” to exist in, in part because that would probably end up reinforcing or creating new gender roles. 

With regards to pronouns, you might get used to they/them pronouns if you give yourself some more time, but it’s also possible that they/them pronouns will always feel a little off to you. 

Genderqueer girl is a thing, as are a number of other identities, like demigirl and genderflux. Many people think that being nonbinary or genderqueer means you can’t feel any attachment to masculinity or femininity, but that’s not actually the case. This could also be connected to you wanting to use they/them pronouns in a “girl way”, since they/them pronouns also carry a connotation of “perfectly genderless/perfectly balanced between male and female” even though that’s not the only way to think about and use they/them pronouns. 

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions. 

[raavenb2619]

Hi! I've kind of been questioning my gender a little on and off for a while. How can you tell if you're non-binary or if you just dislike gender roles? I don't feel uncomfortable or anything with people seeing me as a girl (I'm afab) and I do feel connected to this feminine identity but sometimes I just feel like it's a bit more than that? idk if that makes sense but yeah.

Hm. I think one way to think about it is that gender roles are something that gets “piled on” by external forces, whereas gender identity is more internal and innate. For example, a girl who wears dresses and is “feminine” would fit into the gender role society gives her, but a girl who wears tuxedos and is “tomboyish” or “masculine” wouldn’t fit into the gender roles she’s “supposed” to adhere to. But when you strip away the assumptions of gender roles, you have two people who are both girls in different ways. The more “masculine” girl might feel uncomfortable when people try to force her into a “feminine” gender role, but she’d probably still feel like and be comfortable being a girl. 

For me, I know that I’m nonbinary because I know I’m not a boy or a girl. Absent of external pressures to act or be a certain way, absent of even the pressure to view and critique myself in certain “traditional” ways, I’m still nonbinary. It’s just something true and innate. Of course, being nonbinary doesn’t necessarily mean that you can’t feel connected to gender at all, or even that you can’t feel connected to masculinity or femininity. For example, I’m agenderflux demigirl, which means that I sometimes feel like I’m sort of a girl but also sort of not, in varying degrees of intensity. If you feel partially but not wholly connected to being a girl, demigirl might be the right label for you. 

If you find a label that resonates with you, I’d encourage you to try calling yourself it for a bit, to see how it feels. Often times, people are drawn towards labels for a reason, but aren’t certain it’s right until they’ve tried it on for a bit. But if you end up deciding that it’s not the right label for you or that you’re cis, you’ll still have learned more about the nonbinary community and different nonbinary identities. 

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions. 

[raavenb2619]

So, for a year or two I’ve been questioning my gender and I think I’ve finally settled on just plain out non binary. I’m AFAB but I haven’t really felt like a girl, but not entirely like a boy. For a while I had settled in Demiboy, but that didn’t feel right, probably because I had labelled it with an actual gender. When I call myself a boy or girl, it doesn’t feel right, but when I refer to myself with they/them pronouns, I feel a lot better. I’m still unsure, but I think I will stick with this

Non-binary Anon. I also love my feminine features, but I just don’t feel like a girl completely. But then there are other days where I call myself crazy for questioning my gender.

If putting specific, unchanging labels on your gender doesn’t feel right, that might be because your gender changes over time. For example, if your gender changes in strength/intensity, you might find “genderflux” useful, and if your gender changes in “flavor” (say, from demiboy to girl to agender to demigirl), you might find “genderfluid” useful. 

If you decide either or both of these labels is helpful, you can also use more “specific” labels to describe how your gender can change. For example, sometimes I feel agender, and sometimes I feel demigirl in various fluctuating intensities. Of course, you’re also welcome to adopt either or both of those labels and not use other labels, or just stick with calling yourself nonbinary and not use any other labels. 

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions. 

[raavenb2619]

Hello! I've been questioning in weather I'm a demi girl or not, but it's been kinda hard to get information on it. Idk if I've been looking in the wrong place but :/ Maybe u could help me?

The way I think about demigirl (and more broadly, demigender) is that it’s about having a partial connection to gender in someway. That can be in terms of the strength/intensity (if you think of most people as being at 100% and agender people being at 0%, demigender is probably somewhere around 30%, ish), or in terms of the character of the connection (if you think of girl/woman as a high res image, demigirl is like you took the image, but then blurred it a bunch and rotated it a bit and messed with the colors a little). 

I’m agenderflux demigirl, so I feel my demigirl-ness both as a strength/intensity thing and a character thing. My gender varies in strength and is usually fairly low, and rather than being a “perfect” version of girlness, it’s a partially corrupted file that was originally girlness. 

This wiki page talks more about demigender, including demigirl, and you might find the #questioning-demigirl or #questioning-demigender tags on my blog useful. 

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions. 

[raavenb2619]

How did you know you were non-binary? Like I am FAAB and I like a lot of stereotypical female things, but calling myself a woman just feels wrong. I like the idea of looking androgynous though it’s not realistically attainable for me. I’ve figured I don’t mine she or they pronouns but I’m not sure if that’s a result of me being laid back when it comes to genders norms and most stuff or if that’s a sign. I’m pretty confused.

For me, figuring out I was nonbinary ultimately came down to the fact that saying “I’m nonbinary” felt right, and saying “I’m a boy” and “I’m a girl” both felt wrong; I wasn’t either of the latter, so I was the former. If you want to look up different terms that you can try filling into “I’m ________”, I think “agender” and “demigender”/”demigirl” might be a good place to start for you. 

Gender can be tricky because it can be hard to figure out what you actually do (or don’t feel) and how that might or might not be influenced by society and gender roles, so it’s okay to be confused. If you find a term that resonates with you, but you’re not sure if it’s really you or not, I’d recommend you try calling yourself that for a couple days to see how it feels; the ways in which it feels right or wrong will give you new information and help you better understand your gender. 

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions. 

[raavenb2619]

Hey! So I have been using the label demigender for a while and it fits really comfortably. I know objectively I would probably be more agender but it seems like it’s a big too big (if that makes sense) For me to use or it comes with expectations that I don’t want yet. The thing is that I can’t tell if demigender is a full label on its own, as every time it’s mentioned I only see it described as demigirl, demiboy or Demi-enby. I don’t feel like any of those. Could you explain it for me?

I think it’s fine to use demigender as a specific identity label. It communicates a partial connection to gender without talking about any particular “flavor” of gender, and there are definitely times where it’s useful to have a word for that. (After all, that’s part of why demigender is useful as an umbrella term.)

I can definitely relate to labels fitting on paper but still not feeling quite right. When I was questioning my gender, I came across demigender and demigirl, and although they felt close, it felt like something was off, and it wasn’t until a lot later that I ended up using them as labels. You might end up eventually calling yourself agender, or you might always call yourself demigender, but either way, you’re allowed to use how you feel about labels right now influence the labels you use right now. 

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions. 

[raavenb2619]

After I realized I was asexual and aromantic I began to question my gender. I’ve been thinking about the possibility of being demigender (demigirl to be more specific) because it feels right, but I’m still not sure. I’ve also been questioning which pronouns I prefer, she/her or they/them. Do you have any advice?

If there are people who can help you experiment with pronouns, I’d definitely recommend going for that. Sites like this can help you figure out what pronouns you like or dislike, but they can end up feeling a bit contrived. Letting your pronouns come up in casual conversations, like in a group chat that you’re in, often gives you a better sense of what it feels like, since it’s the real deal. 

Similarly, when it comes to gender identity and labels, I think one of the best things to do is just experiment and try things out. You think you’re demigirl, and that label feels right, but you’re still not sure? Try calling yourself demigirl for a bit; pretend that you’ve skipped forward a month or a year in time and you’ve known for a while that you’re demigirl. If you’re trying it out, and it feels right, but you’re still not sure, that’s okay; you can try it on for as long as you want. 

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions.