#questioning demiro

[demiromantic-culture-is]

Questioning Demi romantic behavior is trying to make your friend more then a friend and failing and it not working out and it making you upset for a bit,, so you have to go back to just befriending people who have things in common with you and are willing to earn your trust and say their intent and come through

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[raavenb2619]

I have been thinking I am demiromantic recently, but im not really sure. I have only felt what i am sure is romantic attraction once, and it was to a close friend. I already know im ace, because thinking about sex with her felt absolutely disgusting, but I am still pretty young amd feel aesthetic attraction almost more than regularly. Basically, im asking if the chance that im not demiromantic outweighs the chance that I am?

I’m not demiromantic, so I can’t speak to the specifics of demiromanticism. (For someone who can, I recommend @demi-romantics). But it certainly sounds to me like you could be demiromantic. I don’t think there’s a way to calculate the odds of you being demiromantic or not, but I can say that most of the people who come across the word demiromantic and seriously question if they’re demiromantic end up identifying as demiromantic. My rule of thumb is that, if a label seems helpful and applicable to you, that’s a great reason to start using it. 

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions. 

[demiromantic-culture-is]

im panromantic asexual but im also questioning if im demiromantic and honestly im so confused??

i know the definition of demiromantic is not feeling romantic attraction until you've formed an emotional connection with someone, but im having trouble figuring out if that applies to me.

ive only been in one relationship before and thinking about it, we weren't super close friends before but still had that sort of a connection? but thinking again ive never actually had a crush on someone

ANYWAYS this is a long winded way of asking if you have any tips on figuring this out

Well, you don’t have to be super close friends with someone to form an emotional bond! As a general rule for myself, my emotional bonds can form as long as I know enough about them to genuinely like them as a person. It helps for me to have a “control group” of other queer folks to test out labels with, because usually when I tell them it either feels very right or very wrong. If you only feel romantic attraction sometimes, grayromantic might be another label you could consider. Another thing I like to do to figure stuff out is—and this is gonna sound super silly—look at memes in the “actually demiromantic“ tag. Before I realized I was demiro, I looked at these memes because I figured they would help me write a demiromantic person, and I went “y’know, demiromantic people are right and they should say it” And a few months later I realised I was definitely demiromantic. Also, if a label suits you, you can just try it on for a while and see if it works out.

[demiromantic-culture-is]

can you know for sure if you're demiromantic or cupioromantic without being in a relationship?

Yeah! i guess being in a relationship might help you figure it out, but I’ve never been in one! I know I’m demiro because I’ve had crushes. You also don’t have to be “for sure” to identify with a label, and you can identify with more than one. for instance, I’m aroflux but I identify with demiromantic a lot of the time, and cupioromantic also, so I use all three labels. I’m also trying to figure out if I’m aceflux or demisexual right now, so I’m just kind of vining with both.

[raavenb2619]

Is it OK for me to call myself demiromantic cus I only have crushes on close friends? But like I don't really care and could kiss someone I'm not that close with? I just don't understand how you could date someone you don't know well

I’m not demiromantic, but that certainly sounds alright to me. 

[raavenb2619]

Hi! I have a question about being aspec but i need to tell you the backstory first. A friend of mine recently told me that they like me romantically. This friend of mine is very attractive, keep that in mind. And they were telling me how much they wished werwere together and so on. I started thinking about how to tell them that i don't like them and i realised i have only ever crushed on people i was or felt really close to, emotionally. Untill now i used to considered myself to be [1] -owl anon

[2] allosexual and alloromantic but i think i might be demiromantic. Do you have any tips that night help me? - owl anon

It definitely sounds to me like you could be demiromantic. However, I can’t say for certain if you are demiromantic or not, since the only person who can decide your labels is you. So if you think calling yourself demiromantic would be helpful, you’re more than welcome to do so. 

With regards to your friend, there are a couple of ways you can respond. First, you can simply say “no” or “no thanks”. You’re not obligated to be in a relationship with anyone. If you want to mention that you’re demiromantic or questioning if you’re demiromantic, you certainly can, but you don’t owe your friend an explanation of why you don’t want to be in a relationship with them. “No.” is a complete sentence. 

Have you heard of queerplatonic relationships (QPR for short)? They’re somewhat vague, so explaining them can be tricky, but they’re a nonromantic relationship that often have commitment, trust, and emotional closeness as important values. (If that was confusing, an imperfect explanation is that they’re sometimes like romantic relationships without the romance.) If this is something you’d be interested in, you could suggest it to your friend and see what they think. However, if you’re just looking for a way to gently say no to your friend, and you don’t want to be in a QPR with your friend, it’s probably best that you don’t mention it. 

It’s also worth noting that being demiromantic and/or not being romantically attracted to your friend doesn’t mean you can’t be in a romantic relationship with them. Some aros want to be or enjoy being in romantic relationships. Of course, some aros don’t want to be in a romantic relationship; if you don’t feel comfortable with romantically-coded behaviors (like kissing, holding hands, and going on dates), this might not be for you. (From what you’ve written, I don’t expect this option to be particularly appealing to you, but I still think it’s good to know that this is potentially an option.)

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up question. 

[aro-aceing-it]

hey, could you possibly try to help me figure out my romantic attraction spectrum by any chance? *note, this is a pretty long post*

I’m definitely lesbian-oriented and not alloromantic, but I’m unsure if I may be demiromantic or aromantic (or maybe something else?)

lately i’ve been debating whether or not i have a crush on one of my friends or not, we’ve known each other for like forever but a little bit over a year ago we started having more in common and texted more, etc.

i don’t usually have people to talk to with similar interests, so i can’t quite tell if this is platonic or romantic attraction. in the past few months, i’ve earned to spend more time alone with her rather than with our sisters, who are also a part of our friend group. one time at her sister’s graduation party, i arrived at her house and she just kinda started holding my hand .!!?? and skipping?!?! to the front door and idk i can’t quite pinpoint what the feeling was but i don’t think it’s platonic? like a mix of nervousness and the ‘warm fuzzies’ thing?!?

another issue is that i don’t think i’ve actually had a crush before, or if i have one right now. one time in fifth grade i thought i liked this boy i was friends with and hadn’t seen in a year, but looking back on it i think i was just excited to see him again? like i didn’t find him attractive or anything, i just felt something and read it as romantic attraction. i definitely find my current crush/squish/whatever aesthetically attractive, but i’m starting to figure out romantic attraction rn.

but back to the girl i’m friends with, one of the things we’ve bonded over are shows with queer characters (particularly wlw ones), and based off some things she’s said i think she may be mspec and/or aspec, but I don’t want to jump to any conclusions. what i’ve been feeling kinda reminds me of the “only feel romantic attraction after a strong emotional bond is formed” part of the demiromantic identity? i also just can’t imagine dating someone i just met or barely know, but i can find them aesthetically attractive after just meeting them.

i saw something where you said alloros don’t really debate whether they’ve felt romantic attraction, and i definitely don’t have the same relationship with attraction as my alloro friends and family members based off how they describe it.

anyways sorry for having such a long post, just hoping someone else could help me figure out what this may be?

Keep in mind that labels are meant to define your identity in the best way possible for you, but since you asked for my opinion here you go.

At first glance it definitely seems like lesbian oriented demiromantic is a pretty good description of your orientation. Some other labels you might want to look into are queerplatonic attraction (sort of a mix between platonic and romantic while being its own separate thing) and alterous attraction (similar to queerplatonic attraction but emphasis on an emotional bond) I have a couple posts on alterous attraction because I found that it described may feelings better than demiromantic attraction because I was equally happy with friendship and dating.

Debating if your feelings are romantic or not is something that I'm all too familiar with, but one thing that I've always found helpful is thinking about what kind of relationship you'd want with her. If she asked you out how would you feel about your relationship becoming more romantic? Would you ever want to ask her yourself? Would you like to hold her hand? Kiss her? Have sex?

Take my advice with a grain of salt, but I hope I've helped at least a bit in your journey of self discovery