#questioning demi

[raavenb2619]

Can i be polyam, aro, and demisexual?

Yep! 

It’s fairly uncontroversial that someone can be both aromantic and demisexual. Perhaps a little more confusing is being demisexual and polyamorous, but there’s nothing about being demisexual that means that you can’t be polyamorous and demisexual polyam people definitely exist. 

Some people are confused by the idea of someone being both aromantic and polyamorous, but it makes sense to me that they’re compatible. Some aros are interested in queerplatonic relationships, and there’s nothing about a queerplatonic relationship that says it has to involve exactly two people. Also, some aros like having sex, and of those aros, some of them are interested in having multiple informed and consenting partners. You can take either of those ideas of how an aro could by polyam and add demisexuality into the mix and it still makes sense, so there isn’t any reason someone couldn’t be polyam, aro, and demisexual. 

[raavenb2619]

So, I was talking to my partner, who was saying how she's excited to experiment sexually during her year abroad (we're in an open long distance relationship, mostly for her, so it wasn't a deal breaker for me). Anyway she asked me if I ever wanted to do that, and I said of course not, cause I could never see myself having sex with people I don't know emotionally. So she asked how I know I'm gay, and I said "well, there's a difference between finding someone attractive and wanting to have (Next>)

(<from prev) to have sex with them, right?" And she seemed not to understand. And now looking back, I realize I might not even be sexually attracted to her (long distance, haven't had sex yet). Like, I love her and care about her, and we've been in a relationship for years, but now that I think about it, I realize I don't really fantasize about sex, with her or otherwise. I fantasize about settling down, cuddling, being sweet with eachother, but not sex. Am I asexual? I'm just really confused

I can’t tell you if you’re ace or not, because the only person who can figure that out is you. That said, here’re some things that might help. 

Have you ever been sexually attracted to anyone, or looked at someone and wanted to have sex with them? If not, there’s a pretty good chance that you’re asexual. If you have, it’s still possible that you might have a place in the ace community. For example, if you’ve only ever been sexually attracted to people that you were emotionally close with, you might be demisexual, which is an identity that’s included under the umbrella of asexuality. 

Although society often talks about attraction as a monolithic experience (which might be the way your partner thinks about it), you might find it more helpful to think about multiple different types of attraction. For example, you might not be sexually attracted to someone, but you could be romantically attracted to them, or find them aesthetically pleasing/attractive. There’s no one set way to categorize attraction, but the categories I find helpful are sexual, romantic, platonic, aesthetic, sensual, and sometimes alterous. 

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions. 

[raavenb2619]

I’m currently questioning if I fall somewhere on the Asexual Spectrum. I’m thinking I could be Demisexual but the thing is, I experience sexual attraction (at least I think) I’m just repulsed by it unless I have a close connection with the person. Would this be Demisexual or is it something else?

From what I understand, demisexuality typically means that someone doesn't experience sexual attraction without having a strong emotional bond beforehand. I can definitely see a reason for your experiences might be treated as different from demisexuality, since (you think) you can experience sexual attraction without a close connection. On the other hand, I can also see why your experiences might be included under the demisexual label, since you're repulsed by sexual attraction unless you have a close connection.

I'm not demisexual, so I don't really feel I can decide whether your experiences "count" as demisexuality or not. @demi-romantics, do you want to weigh in?

[raavenb2619]

hi! :') well, i came out demiace last month (and it was a relief). and now im thinking about the possibility of being on aro spectrum, more specifically being demiromantic. i never fell in love easily, actually, i never fell in love, but when i think about that idea, i like this a LOT and i can't wait to happen to me. but it's not with anyone that i imagine it, it's someone that i have a strong bond, you know? im so confused lol im a MESS sorry :( and thanks, i just needed to vent w/ someone 💖

I’m not demiromantic, but it definitely sounds to me like you could be demiromantic/arospec. If you want a better sense of what being demi can be like or you want some demi narratives to see if you relate to them, you might find it helpful to reach out to some demi bloggers like @demi-romantics. 

[raavenb2619]

I’m ace and somewhere on the aro spectrum, but i’m not really sure if i’m demiromantic, grey romantic or quoiromantic... I think i’m demi bc i can imagine being in a romantic relationship with someone i’m close to already, it just hasnt happened to me yet that i am attracted to anyone romantically, not even my friends, but i’m not really close to a lot of ppl so it could just be ‘cooncidence’ (part 1💚)

(Part 2💚) but it could also be that i’m greyromantic bc that would mean that i dont feel romantic attraction so often and that would make sense with why i havent felt it yet but dont think that i can’t feel romantic attraction (part three is coming)

(Part three💚) It could also be that i just have a wrong concept/no concept of what romantic attraction even is which would mean i’m quoiromantic (to my knowledge) because whenever i try to isolate what i think i would feel if i ever feel romantic attraction i kind of just picture basically friendship but with kissing/hugging/cuddling/generally more physical closeness but its never something i wouldn’t do with a close friend (oh god i’m sorry there’s going to be a part four)

(Part 4💚) Idk i dont feel like i can’t feel romantic attraction tho, i just am not sure what it is

You remind me of myself, back when I was trying to figure out my romantic orientation, so to start out, I just want to remind you, everything’s going to be okay. Figuring this stuff out can be so hard and confusing, and there might be times when the answer is staring you in the face but you can’t see it, and that’s okay. Being in a state of certainty, of questioning, of not really knowing how to describe yourself, that’s okay. Changing your label once or multiple times is okay. 

A lot of this stuff is subjective, which makes it really hard to give a clear example of what is or isn’t romantic attraction. For example, I see cuddling with my friends as platonic, but some people see cuddling with someone as romantic or sexual or both. Cuddling isn’t inherently one thing, so it’s up to your interpretation. (It can even be multiple different things. Maybe you see cuddling with some people as romantic and cuddling with other people as platonic.) That means that a definition of romantic attraction is going to be pretty circular. 

In my experience, when someone is romantically attracted to someone, they tend to daydream/fantasize about them and want to date them, kiss them, marry them, live together, and generally perform and receive romantically-coded gestures that are mutually understood and enjoyed as romantic. In short, romantic attraction is less about the specific actions and more about the surrounding context in which the people involved agree that something is romantic and enjoy it as such. It’s a little hard to tell, but I think if I felt what you picture as romantic attraction, I would classify it for myself as platonic and/or sensual attraction, since those to me involve a level of emotional and physical closeness, but never the intent or desire for anything to be contextualized as romantic. 

I can’t speak to the experience of being demiromantic, greyromantic, or quoiromantic, but I’d encourage you to seek out people of those identities and see if you can relate to their narratives and experiences. It’s worth pointing out that these terms aren’t mutually exclusive, since greyromantic can be used as an umbrella for a lot of different experiences under the aro umbrella. You’re also of course welcome to call yourself aro/aromantic/arospec/etc as an umbrella term. 

Lastly, it’s entirely possible that this is me just projecting, but you didn’t touch on the possibility of being aromantic (as a specific identity, not as an umbrella term) and simply not feeling any romantic attraction at all. You obviously know your own feelings and experiences better than I do, so there might be good reason for you to search for a different term than aromantic, but you haven’t written anything here that makes me think that you couldn’t just use “aromantic” in exactly the same way as I do, to convey that you don’t experience romantic attraction. Certainly, for me, I wouldn’t say that I feel like I “can’t” experience romantic attraction, just that I don’t experience romantic attraction. 

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions. 

[raavenb2619]

Ok, so quick question regarding aromantism. So I do have crushes do want to have a romantic relationship with my POI (person of interest), but I dont understand the difference between primary and secondary romantic attraction. I get crushes, but they take a while (a couple of months) for them to develop, and I can pretty much end the attraction in a week or 2 weeks tops if I feel I'm getting hurt. I'm not sure if that puts me on the aro spectrum or not. Thank you so much, have a good day :)

I can’t personally speak from experience about the difference between primary and secondary romantic, so a blog like @demi-romantics might be able to give a better answer than me. That said, it sounds to me like you might find a term like demiromantic useful if you only get crushes to people that you have some sort of connection or emotional bond with. Of course, whether you choose to use a term like demiromantic or consider yourself on the aro spectrum/under the aro umbrella is ultimately up to you. 

It’s also worth pointing out that nothing you’ve said would “””disqualify””” you from falling under the aro umbrella. There are aros that have crushes and want or have romantic relationships, and they’re just as aro as aros that don’t have crushes and don’t want romantic relationships. 

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions. 

[raavenb2619]

Is it OK for me to call myself demiromantic cus I only have crushes on close friends? But like I don't really care and could kiss someone I'm not that close with? I just don't understand how you could date someone you don't know well

I’m not demiromantic, but that certainly sounds alright to me. 

[raavenb2619]

Hi, I was reading your reblog about cupioromantics and I have a question: is there a difference between romantic attraction and being able to experience romance? Like, could you be someone who doesn't go around getting crushes on people or feeling romantically attracted to people, but who still, y'know, fall in (romantic) love? (After knowing a person for a while)? I'm asking because at first I thought that was what cupioromantic meant, but now I'm not so sure.

[Follow up to this, maybe]

“Experiencing romance” is sort of an ambiguous phrase, so there’s definitely ways to interpret it that make it different from romantic attraction. For example, enjoying romantic gestures, preforming romantic gestures, and receiving romantic gestures could all “count” as “experiencing romance”, depending on your point of view. 

If you find that you rarely experience romantic attraction/fall in love with people, and when it does happen, it feels in someway contingent on the fact that you have known someone for a while or have a deep emotional bond with them, the term “demiromantic” might be useful to you. 

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions.