but I get this heightened sense of fear or even panic the moment I see people my age in public, specifically if they’re white and like are “gender conforming” or whatever.
I have nothing against those two, I just happened to have horrible experiences with people who are that scarred me so badly that I feel terrified even glancing at them
I remember how they treated me. I remember how they looked at me. They looked at me like I was disgusting.
Little vent from us. We are kinda going through some shit rn.
We don't think there are any tw/cw but if there are let us know.
What do you do when you realize that you might not be able to work a "normal" job or maybe any job at all ever?
What do you do when you realize that your disabilities affect what you are able to do in ways that are so against what you wanted to do and what you wish you could do?
What do you do when disabilities are actually disabling?
What do you do when other people don't understand even when they are disabled themselves?
What do you do in any situations where disabilities affect what happens?
What do you do when you need to tell people and make them understand that you are disabled and that means you can't do the same things as others?
Not something that I would usually post, and a long one, so right away…
CW/TW: questioning PTSD + story with insects.
Brief mentions of vomiting, self-harm urges. Also caps in some places.
A mosquito “attack” at 4:16am prompted me to ask ChatGPT (I have no one else who I can ask without being judged or dismissed, so no discussion about it. I know diagnosing anything with AI isn't ideal, I'm using it to propel myself into further researching) about entomophobia and if there was a specific name for fearing mosquitoes.
“[...] I know that nothing serious is gonna happen, plus it's just 1 mosquito, we have been through that before and it's not a hot country where the whole ass family would wake up and hunt mosquitoes, and we won't sleep till every one of them gets killed. I can't take any sound that's even remotely similar to a mosquito not seriously. Like I immediately think that it's a mosquito. It even includes electronic buzz.”
He said no, there's no name for fearing mosquitoes, and then it pulls out a “Possibly even a PTSD-adjacent response, if you’ve had repeated bad experiences with mosquitoes (e.g. constant bites, stress during summers, disrupted sleep, growing up in a household where they were a big deal)” card.
I was rightly flabbergasted and thought that he was just overreacting as usual. I lightheartedly dismissed it and started answering his questions.
“[...] But you're on point with constant bites, stress during summers and disrupted sleep. But I'm not too sure about the “growing up in a household where they were a big deal” part. Like yes, when we're abroad, we'd make extra sure that we all got repellent, ointments and so on. But at home? “Oh, it's just a mosquito, it's not like it's gonna eat you.” Like????? Hello???? THAT'S THE SAME INSECT WE WERE SO ADAMANT ON KILLING ON VACATIONS!!! The only way they're different is that they're at a summer cottage… and maybe the species of it, but I'm not too sure. We've been to Egypt 3 times, to Turkey 2 times, once to Greece and Thailand… every single time it was the same. But for some reason we don't care about the ones from our country.”
“The constant bites were also pain… it was to the point that I wanted to get a knife and cut the bite place, because I hated the itching so fucking much, I was ready to do ANYTHING to alleviate it. Never did that, but I had urges. And I hate summer because of them. So, I'm ok with being bitten, just please don't buzz around me for 2 hours to just never pick a spot, and please just don't itch. The disease is the least of my concerns tho.”
“I wonder what would qualify as PTSD tho. Imagine having PTSD cuz of an insect, couldn't be me… Maybe. But I did just wake up again because I heard it. I was falling asleep and then I fucking heard it. Now no sleep in both eyes yet again, as if I never wanted to sleep in the first place.”
“I don't think I have anything in particular regarding memories. It's all a big mush of us in hotels at night trying to kill them on a ceiling, and waking up from hearing a nearby flying mosquito. Waking up with a beating heart, saying "mosquito!" to others, getting in position to listen and kill them. It was 6 years ago, and it's the same now. And it's been getting worse and worse every year. And I notice that mainly with mosquitoes. Other bugs are fine.”
“Also about the mosquito net—mother fuckers that I now live with (I moved) don't have a net, and for whatever reason they don't hurry to get it, so now almost every night we get 1-2 mosquitoes flying in. I want to fucking disappear. He's the reason why I'm talking to you at 5 am. He's a great man, but I fucking hate him for that so much.”
I think it was starting to change his mind and was suggesting that it might qualify as PTSD.
“At this point I just wanna rant, cuz bro, it's almost 6am already 💔. I wanted to tell you in the morning how I also can get not triggered but get slightly suspicious from my own BREATHING. If my nose is just slightly clogged in the way that it produces something akin to a high-pitched sound I can wake up. But now I'm awake again because I heard a mosquito. I was trying to fall asleep, then I heard it and immediately woke up, heart beating, wide alert, sweat… not pouring, but it's there. The sun is rising bro, I can see the clear light blue sky. Is this what PTSD feels like??? I'm in hell.”
Then at 10am I tried to stand up from the bed I almost threw up a little. I never had that happen before. Still couldn’t sleep because some outside noises remind me of this specific or similar buzz. I got triggered by a BIRD even.
