#questioning tag

[dysasterism]

Trying to conceptualize the ningender side of my identity by thinking of it as being along a neutrois-outherine-maverine spectrum and then GRAPHING IT.

I am too autistic for my own good. /j

[theaquinn-misc]

A-spec Lesbian

I decided to make my own list of things that have helped me realized I'm gay. Disclaimer: I'm not the arbiter of what makes someone an aspec lesbian, however if you experience some or most of these it's something to consider. Disclaimer 2: I've also not had a lot of experience dating so I can't include much of that here. This post will be divided in 3 sections: Men, Women and NBs and media

Men:

only crushing on "unavailable" men: married, in a relationship, much older, gay, fictional, celebrities

"crushing" on men and enjoying fantasizing about them, but not trying to flirt or even get close to them in any way

"crushing on a man" for a set period of time and then and thinking he's the hottest thing since sliced bread, but later (especially after a physical separation) finding him meh or cringey

fantasies about men having more to do with being happy and fulfilled in life and being seen as someone to be jealous of, not so much about the specific person

having a crush/attraction to a man only for him to return it and you realize that you feel uncomfortable

meeting a guy who is conventionally attractive and meets all your standards and telling yourself you are attracted to him but still feeling a weird pressure in your stomach/chest because "something is missing"

liking a guy, until he changes something minor about his appearance (shaves, does his hair differently) and then finding him basic/meh and losing all attraction to him

never understanding what women see in the men they date or like in media, at least looks-wise

finding even extremely conventionally attractive men to be kinda meh and thinking women attracted to men must be exaggerating how hot they find them

being uncomfortable when you find out a man has a crush on you and wanting him to stay away, but with women/nbs it's just a bit awkward and overall no big deal

having to force sexual and romantic fantasies for men and getting bored of them after a while

finding the most aesthetically attractive man in a group and deciding you are attracted to him (bonus points: being relieved when you find out he's taken/ and/or you could never date him for some reason)

being anxious or sad or bored when you imagine your life with a man

only wanting to date men if it's polyamorous (note: this is not to invalidate poly people, but if you can only imagine dating one gender ONLY if it's poly and having no issues to be monogamous with another gender... that might be something to look into)

getting sad/anxious/bored at the idea that your first boyfriend could be your forever partner. thinking "of course i want to experience life before I settle down"

wanting to dress sexy and reveal your body, but wanting to hide it when a man pays attention to you

Men expressing their attraction to men is more relatable than women expressing their attraction for men Women/ NBs:

finding only a few men aesthetically attractive but nearly every woman/queer/nb person (esp more femme ones) being gorgeous to you

wanting to impress and/or be liked by "special" women

going on dating apps and switching to "women only" even though you are (supposedly) bi/pan (note: some people may do this for safety reasons but if you can't even IMAGINE finding a guy off an app, even if you take all possible precautions, well...)

finding the fantasy of sharing your life with a woman/nb person far more rewarding and satisfying than the fantasy of doing those same things with a man

having some inkling of attraction to trans women pre-coming out, but suddenly thinking they are the most gorgeous people ever post knowing they are women(especially if they go on HRT),

really "admiring" masc/butch women and women who break gender roles (women in suits, women with defined muscles etc.)

thinking that everyone thinks women are more aesthetically attractive than men (hint: ask a gay man about this)

having deep feelings about a female actor, singer, teacher growing up etc. that feel special and unique

feeling guilty in locker rooms, not wanting to look at women too long

getting really excited at the idea of having a gf, or being a girl/nb person's gf/ partner but not feeling the same way about dating boys/men

wishing to be a lesbian because you think lesbians are cool and/or to avoid dating men

feeling uncomfortable feelings about the label lesbian, especially when applied to you (but not gay/queer/sapphic/wlw/nblw etc.)

not getting crushes on women IRL often because you're still aspec

getting crushes on fictional women, influencers, celebrities etc. Media:

never relating to m/f pairings even if they have bi/pan characters or the m/f relationships you see in media or around you.

shipping m/f, but thinking "that's cool for them, but I don't want that" (note: this might also have to with gender, if you're nb)

imagining yourself as the "man" in m/f ships never the woman

not relating to f/f ships with two thin conventionally feminine and usually white women (esp if you are fat, gnc, WoC, and/or are attracted to butch/masc women)

seeing posts about the attractiveness of men but relating them to m/m ships, not yourself

wanting every bi/pan character to be in a "gay" or at least, in a visibly queer relationship

only relating to m/f ships if they are more obviously queer. Like say, masc woman with a twink boyfriend (side note, I've never seen that, so if you have recs please send them my way)

only being able to get off on gay/lesbian porn, finding straight porn to be unsatisfying or boring or uncomfortable (note: porn is not a great way to determine sexualaity as most actresses are fetishized and fake prgasms, and most lesbian porn is not made for sapphics. but still) Things you are allowed to do as a lesbian/don't make you less gay:

Have m/f ships you feel strongly about

read/write m/f smut

relate to/write bi/pan characters

joke about liking celebrity men & fictional men

not be attracted to the women the lesbian community has decided are the hottest thing since sliced bread (Kristen Stewart is not everyone's type)

not be comfortable with certain sex acts or sex as a whole

[butchspace]

How do I find out if I’m a lesbian for real or have a fetish for a body type only and can’t be a lesbian …what are lesbians attracted to in women? Like how do you feel attracted to them differently from men? I know how I do but it’s wrong.

This sounds like it could be some sort of internalized homophobia. None of us are automatically excluded from being able to objectify another person based on our gender or sexuality, because that’s not how interpersonal relationships work, but I do think the fact that you’re concerned about doing this shows enough awareness to take steps to avoid it (if it’s even anything more than anxiety).

Idk if there’s a world where you have a “fetish for women” and are not attracted to women. I won’t say that definitively but it seems unlikely. The best advice I have for you is to explore your feelings with other people. As long as you listen to them and show respect for them, you wouldn’t be doing anything wrong.

[sapphic-sprite]

I don’t know if anyone needs to hear this, but it’s okay to just be questioning. It’s alright to not have everything figured out. It’s okay to forgo labels or try out a million labels until you have it figured out. It’s okay to do what is most comfortable for you in the moment when it comes to labeling your sexuality or gender.

[inkshine]

Shout out to everyone questioning their gender identity or sexual/romantic orientation

you might feel like you need to choose a label to suit your feelings right away, but the truth is, feelings are so much more complicated than that, and there's no need to settle with something right away. you also might feel like you need to stick with the same label forever, but its perfectly normal and okay to change your label later. And, when all this is said and done, you might realize you're straight/cis. That's okay too, your feelings were not fake and your time spent questioning them was not in vain. no matter how you question or experiment, your feelings are valid and you are worthy of love and acceptance.

have a fantastic morning/day/night everyone!

[miscellaneous--bones]

Calcifer is such a cool name what /pos

Isnt it??? Tbh i prolly would've gone with that as My Name(tm) if i hadnt come out as cypress at school already

[blessedarethebinarybreakers]

Hi! I don't really have anyone irl I can talk to about this so I'm hoping you could help me! I think I might be a non binary lesbian but I'm not 100% sure. I didn't realise I was a lesbian until I was 21 due to compulsive heterosexuality and recently I've been questioning my gender. Can I be non binary and lesbian? Can I be non binary and still look/act feminine? Some days non binary and they/them pronouns feel so comfortable, like coming home, other days I feel like I'm too feminine or I'm just making it up. Any advice would be amazing! Thank you so much for this blog!

Yes, you can be nonbinary and a lesbian! I have so many incredible nonbinary lesbian friends, and follow so many awesome n-b lesibans online, and let me tell ya: the nonbinary community and the lesbian community are both deeply enriched to have n-b lesbians in their number.

Here's a fantastic look into queer history showing how nonbinary lesbians have always existed. (The author of the article, Jules Ryan, is one of my fave people i follow on Twitter)

Also, yes to being nonbinary and looking/acting feminine. You can wear what ya want, use the pronouns and other language that feel best for you, and still be nonbinary! i myself am a pretty feminine person, and definitely nonbinary.

I like what this article says about this topic.

And here's one of my fave lil videos introducing the concept of being nonbinary (or trans as a whole) that might help you out too as you explore!

[fluffnstuffq]

Complicated robothearted thoughts deluxe, finally put into words (split into two parts due to how long-winded we are).

We’ve been thinking a bit lately about how, collectively, the whole system is some kind of robothearted, all for different reasons, and how our plurality affects our outlook on our alterhumanity in general.

Not sure whether to compare the intersecting of experiences in this case to layers, or just tangles at this point /lh.

As older followers (or those who’ve read through the history of this blog) may know, back when I first awakened as otherkin, I mistakenly identified as robotkin (among other things which turned out amusingly off).

I know now that I’m robothearted; I have a connection with robots, sure, but I myself am not one, and the notion of pretending to be one/identifying as one ultimately feels like at best a very strange and at worst uncomfortable concept to me. 

Like impersonating a friend.

Considering this feeling, for the longest time I found it strange that I’d feel drawn enough personally to robots to even mistakenly identify as one. 

At last, I’m happy to say that we now have an answer; the entire Quasar System is robothearted in some capacity, all with varying reasonings for such, as well as different levels, so to speak, of a connection. (Two of us could firmly say that they’re very literally almost robots/robotic-adjacent in nature, though they choose not to for various reasons).

So of course, before we realized we were a system, those near constant, conflicting vibes from all directions of broad, and personal connections to robots definitely could be easily misconstrued as a kintype, especially for someone newly awakened to otherkinity in general..

However, the one whose robotheartedness overall piques the most curiosity, from all of us, was Marx.

Consistently, Marx has always been especially prone to fictionflickers and cameo shifts; we admittedly don’t think much of fictionflickering, nor do we talk much about it here given its (in our opinion) fleeting, disorienting, and hard to describe nature, but we respect it and want to learn more about the phenomenon. 

And almost as the perfect motivation to do so, our resident little jester tends to form intense, though brief connections to things connected either to his hearttypes or hyperfixations.

So of course that means that he’s gotten quite a few robot-adjacent flickers, ranging from momentary, surface-level cameo shifts to a much more immersive “sampling” of some identity; to the rest of us, it’s disorienting.

While we’ve probably all had a few cameo shifts here and there, Marx is essentially a magnet for fleeting, though to him very meaningful connections. Perhaps it’s his nebulous grasp on identity, perhaps it’s his way of processing empathy.

All we know is that, despite his occasional tendency to have confusing cameo shifts, he’s actually helped us make more sense of our alterhumanity in general.

When we have more experiences to compare, it’s somewhat easier to sort out our feelings on matters. 

And while we’ve been putting off examining our hearttypes in more detail, I think in finally doing so, in finally beginning to untangle some of those layers and connections, we’ve gained a better understanding of ourselves overall, somewhat.

Link to Part 2