Occupation: Chef, also grows fruits and veggies for farmers’ markets on the side
Orientation: Pansexual
Significant other(s): None, but several free love associates
Heimlich McMuesli is the resident cook at Camp Kidney. He’s a self-proclaimed vegetarian and his tendency to push this onto the scouts makes him unpopular at meal times. That said, he seems genuinely to care for them and only wants his idea of what’s best for them, (for better or worse.) He also doubles as a guidance counselor to them, utilizing New Age child therapist techniques and going to admirable pains to help campers such as Edward and Gretchen find peace. Per his own admission, he was an angry child and wants to put that behind him. He is however still short on patience at times, holier than thou, and very judgmental.
Biography: Canon and Headcanon
Heimlich was born to veteran hippie parents in California, not far from Prickly Pines. They ran a little farm and also sold art, clothing and handicrafts for income. He was an only child and thus was kept very busy by his parents helping them with their work. This lack of free time and constant delegation of chores made him very sour for a few years, but he mellowed out and quickly became a little clone of his parents, fully embracing hippie life and abstention from meat by the time he entered middle school.
As an adult, Heimlich began backpacking more often, especially in Peru, and his means of transport, a Volkswagen Bus fitted for camping, became his steadiest home. His parents passed away back in the States while he was away, (though he had been regularly in touch and visited plenty,) and he was for a while very aggrieved, but recovered. Still, the old McMuesli Farm made him mournful just thinking about it, and he was increasingly interested in his own mobility. He sold the farm shortly after inheriting it and didn’t look back. Heimlich took several odd jobs as he went up and down the country, never staying rooted in one place but making many, many friends, (and free lovers too.)
His travels brought him back where he started in California, and his newest gig was the chef for a summer camp belonging to the Bean Scouts of America. His ideas of sustenance were… very untraditional for a crowd used to canned pork and beans, but no one else was applying for the job, especially due to its pittance salary. McMuesli, who was frugal, adept at self-support and needed no room and board, was able to make it work, and so he was hired (with much grumbling and mockery, to his face) by Scoutmaster Lumpus.
By the time of the show, McMuesli has been the camp cook for five years or so. This is far and away the longest he’s stayed in a single place since the sale of his parents’ farm, and although he has yet to say so aloud, he probably plans to stay even longer. The Bean Scouts of America, who are chronically cash-strapped, are now his biggest backers; any replacement would surely want a raise. This newfound sense of tenure-esque invincibility has affected Heimlich profoundly; whereas before he would serve meat at least three times a week in return for… being allowed to complain, he’s completely remade the food curriculum to what he sees as fit. He also has a megalomanic penchant for confiscating junk food contraband, complete with security CCTV and a bank vault. He’s… a character.
Not long after his arrival, McMuesli started his “Temper Tee-Pee” program. Slinkman, who we’ve seen is chronically overstretched, no doubt was thrilled at the prospect of some of his counseling duties being shouldered. He and McMuesli generally get along well, though the former can find Heimlich grating in his worst moments. McMuesli tried once to confiscate Slinkman’s usual diet soda, and only once. I won’t go into detail, but if you watch Slinkman “go ballistic” in “Slugfest” it was more or less a repeat. After which, Slinkman’s necessary daily caffeine was left unmolested and the two agreed never to speak of it again. (Where was I? Oh yeah, the tee-pee.)
The Temper Tee-Pee program, if you haven’t seen the eponymous episode, is basically a child therapy program run by McMuesli. Campers who have outbursts are issued “temper tickets” and join McMuesli in a bespangled, hippie-dippie little tent that reeks of incense, is full of Native American paraphenalia that comes off as a bit tacky in retrospect depending on McMuesli’s heritage, and has beanbag chairs that suck you in like quicksand. (No, it’s not considered a punishment. Officially.) Here, Heimlich does… pretty admirable work of trying to understand campers’ pain and resolving it. His methods are unconventional, (“and he smells it, too,” says the little Edward voice in my head,) but they work and aren’t patronizing to a scout. (Granted, Edward and Gretchen found the peace he wanted them to find by fantasizing about running him down with a roadroller, but the end justified the means: they chilled out and learned to vibe.)
Again, though, he’s not a pillar of nirvana himself. While trying to teach the Jelly trio how to make tofu frankfurters, he leaves in a huff to backpack in Peru, and leaves the whole camp chefless. This would be unacceptable anywhere else, but as has been said, McMuesli’s just that untouchable. Another occasion sees him get VERY worked up and out of line when the Jellies insinuate eating broccoli is like cutting down trees. And, when Scoutmaster Lumpus reminds him he’s trying to gain weight, McMuesli flees in hysterics, exclaiming that the moose is “not of this world.”
He’s something else. But then again, so’s everyone in this show.
—Nurse Leslie only became a nurse because it’s a tradition in his family to enter the medical field. His real passions are cars and writing. He and Slinkman bond over the former.
—Patsy dyes her hair pink; she’s a natural blonde.
—Even though Lumpus and Jane marry, they still live separately as before during summers while they’re still working. A lot of the campers keep forgetting they’re married (my reasoning is the show kind of did too🤭) and that reeeeeally makes Lumpus mad lol.
—Lumpus’ parents are still alive, even though they’re pushing 100. They’re frail but have all their marbles. Lumpus… stopped thinking about them once he was 60ish. When he received a phone call from his mother asking why they weren’t invited to his wedding, Lumpus thought it was a prank call and almost hung up. And that’s how he reconnects with them.
—No-neck’s real name is Jacques. He started going by No-neck because the campers kept mispronouncing it.
—Pothole McPucker died, …like, the same summer he and Jane almost married. (Bozo.)
—Manfred the ex-Navy turtle is still alive.
—Edward’s mom, Susan, bakes a mean lasagna and this is his favorite food. (Cue Ping Pong calling him Garfield.)
—Mort the pelican is Camp Kidney’s archery champion.
—Gordon the bear is petrified of caves. (It’s the stalactites.)
May I hear your headcanons/thoughts on everyone's sibling situation?
It's always so funny to hear about it conanically in the show e.g. Raj mentioning his brother during float trippers and of course the platypus brothers hehehehe
If "everyone" is too much to think about I'd just love to hear about your faves then :D
You maaay! Also I love u💛
Viewer beware; I will go into non-sibling tangents.
Lazlo: The fifth-born of seven kids
Lazlo’s got four big sibbies, two boys and two girls. The oldest one, a boy, is about ten years older than himself, and being groomed to inherit Fruita-Quicka, the family’s fruit company alluded to in “Where’s Lazlo?” His two younger twin sibbies, one boy and one girl, are eight where he at the time of the show is thirteen. Lazlo gets his endless capacity for inventing games from entertaining these little ones. His oldest brother, from above, taught Lazlo about half of them when they played together hehe.
Clam: Only child
Clam’s an only child if you ask me. We have every reason to say “Oh, he could have sibs that were just never mentioned,” (also headcanon just means do you own thing,) BUT! I really really like the idea of him being an only child, so I’ll say the lack of mentioned siblings is to me indicative that he has none. Clam, who I headcanon to have the last name ‘Sand,’ lives with just his mom, Eggnog, and his father, Ingot. They talk in full sentences unlike Clam, and love him to bits. They respect his various oddities and wouldn’t have him any other way.
Samson Clogmeyer: Only child (at first)
As we all know, Samson’s parents, Stanley and Grace Clogmeyer, are jellyfish. If we go by the logic of Joe Murray’s earlier show, “Rocko’s Modern Life,” one species can be born to another with perfect ease. Personally, I don’t think Samson’s adopted. Grace had a guinea pig ancestor, and the gene woke up when she was expecting him, (don’t fucking ask any other questions,) and so he was born. And at the time of the show, when he’s thirteen, he’s an only child. But! When he’s fifteen, Stanley and Grace expect another baby, and this time it’s a jellyfish. So Samson now has a little jellyfish sister. And, here’s the kicker: she didn’t inherit the ability to sting, so he can hold her with no ill effects.
Patsy: Oldest of three kids
Canonically Patsy has at least one little brother, whom I headcanon is named Potsy. He’s just two years younger than her but she mothers him relentlessly, (with thanks to @/deadbeandrop for this idea!) Then when she’s fourteen, they both get ANOTHER little brother, Humphrey Jr. (Commander Hoo-ha, in my headcanon, has the first name ‘Humphrey’ and is thus the Sr.)
Dave and Ping Pong: Twins
Dave and Ping Pong (really named Bruce in my HC but it’s never used,) are twins, and it’s just them two as the family’s kids. We never learn which is older, (and it’s never actually said they’re twins either but I can’t see them as anything else,) but in my HC Ping Pong is older by seventeen minutes. And whenever Dave feels like Ping Pong is babying him, he stresses that statistic. (“I’m only seventeen minutes younger than you! This is chicanery!” “Seventeen more minutes of wisdom, you teeny-weeny egg. Now, drink this water instead of soda for a change.”)
Edward: Five older brothers
So we all know Ed’s older brothers: Cheesly, Alpine, Fancypants and Philip. (Those former three are nicknames in my HC.) But! In “The Great Snipe Hunt,” Edward also mentions an older brother named Mel. I’ve seen some people say that’s merely one of the other brothers’ real names, but I personally see Mel as a half-brother from a marriage Edward’s father had and ended before meeting Susan. So who’s Mel? He’s a sleazy forty-something, cigarette-smoking taxi driver who lives far removed from the family in New York City. (Edward’s other brothers completely ignore his existence.) He’s rough around the edges but would give you the shirt off his back, and Edward loves him and makes him a confidant.
Here’s some ANCIENT, SHITTY art of him of mine.
Aaand that’s what I have as far as I remember in terms of sibling ideas!
—Samson grows up to be a pharmacist (and part-time magician) and still lives ten minutes from Camp Kidney. He marries Almondine who becomes a math teacher.
—Every year on his way back from summer camp, Clam brings his parents home the coolest rocks he found.
—Apart from his runaway older brother, Raj also has an older sister named Veda. She’s a very loyal and friendly girl, if a bit of a micromanager. (Raj gets his mother-henning from her.) She’s being raised to take on their family’s businesses in India, and honestly Raj doesn’t mind. When he grows up, stays in America and runs his own record store, she’s always checking on him, sending him gifts and money, and calling and texting small talk.
—We know Jane Doe loves poodles, but she’s never owned one. She did have a pet cow when she was growing up in Minnesota, though.
—Slinkman can sew. If a scout needs their uniform patched or mended, it’s usually him who does it. And he feels honored to help!
—Chef McMuesli is mostly into free love, but there were a few times he wanted to stop and settle down with someone.
—In school, future Scoutmaster Lumpus was a horrible student both in terms of grades and behavior. He was a huge prankster (buckets on doorframes, tacks on chairs,) and it took his dad intervening for him to stop.
—In school, Jane Doe was voted Most Likely to Succeed.
—The Leakey Lake Monster’s real name is Nestor.
—There is no single correct spelling for Leakey Lake. Leakey, Leaky, Lekey etc. are all acceptable. The show’s maps seem to confirm this anyway.
—Lumpus in 2007 was (at least) 63, so I headcanon he was born in July of 1944. Don’t feel like that means he’s dying soon in the present day, though. This is a cartoon.
—The “C.” in “Algonquin C. Lumpus” stands for “Crawford.” His family is from Crawford County, Wisconsin. It was his father’s idea. Lumpus doesn’t like it (and he sure doesn’t like his father in my HC) so he always just says its initial.
—Lumpus neeever wanted to be a Scoutmaster. His father, a former Scoutmaster and actually the last Scoutmaster at Camp Kidney before him, made him become one. Lumpus seems to love boats and fishing, so I think his dream job would’ve been a sailor or a fisherman. At camp, he’s thus only allowed a taste of each. (Becoming a Scoutmaster seems also to require graduating from the Tomato Scouts, which Lumpus did and hated, and I feel really helped mess him up.)
—Being a Scoutmaster seems to have been the only job he’s ever had, which makes the “cut out for the real world” jokes in “Handy Helper” even funnier. He’s spent his entire life at camp, at Camp Kidney, one way or another, and the minute he tries to step out he’s crushed. A living purgatory. Scoutmaster Sisyphus.
—In the flashback to (roughly) 2000 in “Slugfest,” Lumpus is actually shown to be cordial and competent. This I think was no mere retcon: Lumpus was doing well when left to his own devices, but Slinkman’s arrival enables him to become his current lazy, grouchy, sociopathic self. (Slinkman knows.) This character shift is probably my favorite headcanon for him out of all of mine. I made a fanfiction about it which you can find on AO3, called “Summer of ‘00.” A younger version of Edward’s brother Philip is there too.
—Talking of the Platypus Brothers, Scoutmaster Lumpus haaaated them during their own times at camp. (“O Brother, Who Art Thou” straight up is noncanon to me, okay? It’s a completely different ballgame than what I see happened.) They were the biggest troublemakers he ever dealt with. That appears in “Summer of ‘00” too. And that’s part of the reason he gives Edward virtually no acknowledgement and always gets his name/species wrong. “Pollywog,” indeed.
—Lumpus and Jane met in, I wanna say 1994, when she first took over at Acorn Flats from the last Denmother. Lumpus didn’t care for her much at first and bought into the Beans-Squirrels rivalry, a la his coldness towards her in “Gone Fishing (sort of).” Jane in the same episode, for her part, seems to have treated him as a nice neighbor she has no idea dislikes her, so I’ll say that was her dynamic to him too. (Jane’s just incredibly friendly and personable in general. It’s very rare you see her openly dislike someone.) By the beginning of the show’s events in Summer 2005, they’re both feeling older and worrying about being alone, and Lumpus’ usual crush on her kicks in. Jane is oblivious and takes more time to psyche herself into liking him too. (“Wedding Bell Blues” is also not canon to me. Geesh.)
—Lumpus and Jane marry in the Summer of 2008, but don’t live together until a few years later.
—In my HC, a “class” of scouts runs for five years, ages 10 to 15. So, our usual troop of Lazlo and the gang attend camp from 2005-10 and then leave. At first Lumpus was jubilant that the Troop of 2005-10 left, but he then goes through twoish years of being a shutin. (And that’s very unfair to Slinkman and Jane, but when has Algonquin C. Lumpus cared about fairness?) When he comes back out ahead of his retirement, he briefly falls back in love with the concept of camp. Then, once retired, he realizes he’s been in a state of retirement already, being lazy, and nothing changed. You can read about this in my fic on AO3, “Bean There, Done That.”
—Jane, who I see as younger than Lumpus, retires too at some point and joins him to live in the Scoutmaster’s Cabin full-time. (Lumpus has no money to live elsewhere and the Bean Scouts of America Organization pitied him.) Slinkman, the current Scoutmaster, is also there. Once living together day by day, their marriage becomes a genuine one rather than a loneliness crutch. (And Lumpus learns that being with Jane means accepting her random singing, obsession with poodles, and her habit of being on the phone in the bathtub. You can read about that in my AO3 fic, “Call Center.”)
—Then, Lazlo returns (“NOOOoooOOOOO!” screams Lumpus as he falls to his knees.) He’s now Scoutmaster Slinkman’s assistant! He’ll be living in the cabin attic year-round, and he brought his geeky bird nerd husband Dave with him! And they’re insufferably in love, feeding each other at the table and using pet names! And Jane acts like they’re her beloved boys! And Slinkman won’t cook his breakfast for him anymore! IT’S AWFULLLL! THE FUTURE IS AWFULLLL! (And that’s my “Refried Beans” AU in a nutshell. Lumpus is not a fan. But I’m the writer and I love torturing him.)
I’m gonna change up my personal lore of Edward’s family real quick.
Just be warned, they’re a hot mess.
—Cheesly, Alpine, Fancypants and Philip are all Edward’s stepbrothers. The first three were born to Edward’s Dad, Antonio in my HC, and their mother was called Regina. (I use this because Edward insults Raj with this nickname twice and it’d be funny if there was a deeper unspoken meaning to it.)
—Philip was born out of wedlock to Antonio and another woman, and it’s a big part of Antonio and Regina’s divorce. He just strikes me as too young to be from the same mother as the three elders, but he’s definitely not Edward’s blood brother, otherwise they’d stick together much more. So Philip’s best bet is rallying with Cheesly, Alpine and Fancypants against Edward, and it pays off to the point Edward seems like the only outsider when we see them interact during the show. (It’s worth mentioning though that until Edward showed up, Philip was essentially a proto-Edward whipping boy.)
—Their ages at the time of Season 1, i.e. Summer 2005: Cheesly 40, Alpine 37, Fancypants 34, Philip 15, Edward 9 and then 10 after the events of “Movie Night.”
—The three elder brothers go by nicknames. Their real names are Chas (Cheesly,) Alfredo (Alpine,) and Francis (Fancypants.) I know this takes place in a show where the names “Clam” and “Ping Pong” rarely raise eyebrows, but I just don’t see my version of Edward’s Dad going with these names officially.
—“O Brother, Who Art Thou?” and “Hold It, Lazlo” didn’t fucking happen, okay? We don’t speak of them.
—Antonio’s the owner and head honcho of “the Platypus Construction Company.” He’s also filthy stinking rich. (Edward uses a credit card to buy an NHRA-worthy drag racer for the camp go-kart derby without a second thought. I also see his impromptu Foreman schtick in the dinosaur bones episode as him channeling his dad on jobsites lol.) Susan was his secretary at the time and in the wake of Antonio’s divorce from Regina. Susan was basically a rebound marriage for him. Then Edward came along.
—The brothers’ jobs: Cheesly owns a chain of gyms, Alpine’s a professional basketball player (just look at him,) Fancypants owns a clothing line and in the smartphone age doubles as an influencer, and Philip is being groomed to next run Platypus Construction. Is it Philip’s dream? No, but Antonio bullies him into it and lets him focus on nothing else.
—Antonio, Cheesly, Alpine, and Philip start icing Fancypants out when he comes out as gay, and he’s suddenly the black sheep just like Edward. Fancypants makes peace with Edward (and that obviously undoes none of his abuse he subjected Edward to with the others,) and Edward forgives him very quickly because he’s finally getting the chance to have a nice big brother! (Everyone’s a bit blindsided. Edward, you’re not just letting bygones be bygones this fast are you? Ope. He is.) Luckily for everyone involved, Fancy’s being genuine. They get along super well super fast, and Edward spends every Spring Break he can at Fancypants’ own mansion. Fancy’s also instrumental to Edward’s own coming out efforts later, and he’s one of the privileged few to know Veronica’s deal. (Yes, they play Veronicas together.)
—What we know about Susan, we see and hear through Edward. She got him a Veronica doll he wanted without hesitating about it being a ‘girly’ Christmas gift, and seems not to mind when he dismisses her by her real name and tells her to donate the rest of his presents. Edward’s got a whole shrine dedicated to her in his cupboard at camp, one photo showing her flexing her bicep, and claims she “taught him how to win.” This implies she has lots of confidence. At the same time, Edward in another episode says “Everything with Mother is difficult.” In another episode, during a fantasy sequence, Edward’s dream is being the sole focus of his mother’s love, and his brothers are nowhere to be seen. (He’s also the ironfisted dictator of a dystopian camp, but that’s neither here nor there.) But even in his fantasy, Susan had to be under the duress of Chip and Skip before she could say she loved Edward??? We can call all this the writers flip-flopping on how to characterize her, but if you ask me it can all fit together cohesively:
—Susan is very giving in terms of material things. (This is a rich family, again.) Edward absolutely prizes her love and it’s very clear he may not be getting it in a true, non-throwing-money-at-my-kids-is-good-enough way. Susan’s determined and driven to get what she wants, and this can be interpreted as “being difficult.” In that context, it makes me think she doesn’t really love Antonio and saw marrying him as an opportunity. (And Antonio’s really not lovable.) Coupling that with her frosty approach to Edward, you can be led to wonder if she loves Edward any more than she has to to secure her position. Yeowch.
—Prickly Pines, and thus Camp Kidney, Acorn Flats etc. are located in California somewhere. I say this mainly because Joe Murray’s own camping experience was there! Since the campers never get field trips to the beach, yet they do to the mountains, I assume they’re a bit inland. (A beach episode after a long bus ride, though. That has potential. Hmm.)
—The timeline floats. That’s why in all my stuff you may see smartphones ‘n crap, yet the Nineties still seem ten years ago lol. My justification: time is weird, especially to a kid’s mind, and this is a show centered around kids. I was still writing “2007” on my homework accidentally when it was 2014. (Also this is of course, just a cartoon.)
—Scoutmaster Lumpus is 64 years old. His birthday cake full of candles burst into flames when Slinkman counted to 63 in “The Bean Tree” so he couldn’t get that far pfft.
—Slinkman’s full name is Mark Slinkman! Get it. Hehe. Mark. Slugs leave slime trails. Slime marks. I’m so smart.
—However old Slinkman is, he and Jane Doe are the same age. I’m tentatively gonna say late thirties/early forties but it’s not set in stone yet. They clearly were buddies at camp, (“Step Clam.”) Also I just hate the little gag where she assumes he’s Lumpus’ pet slug and thus doesn’t know who he is so I’m retconning that.
—While we’re on the subject of retcon: I haaaaaaaaaaaate “Lumpus’ Last Stand.” Can’t see it. I can’t read suddenly. I don’t know. What’s this “Lumpus’ Last Stand” of which you speak? I’ve never heard of such a thing. Let’s never discuss it again.
—The campers of both camps are on average, thirteen/fourteen years old. Raj is the oldest, (we’ve seen he gets acne in multiple episodes,) and Edward is the youngest, aging from twelve to thirteen and thus becoming a “Big Boy” like all the other Beans in “Movie Night.” The campers also speak of “years” attending camp and maintain yearbooks, which tells us sleepaway camp isn’t novel to them.
There’s more I have to say for sure, and this is a bit disorganized! But, I need to make a first post of SOME sort, so there ya go.
