I'm on a trip with my sweet Littles and my Dad. I'm working the whole time, but I've budgeted my time so I spend the mornings with the family and the evenings working.
It's glorious. But we still have to do calls with my ex for the kids.
Today, before the call, he texted me that his lawyer wanted us to talk about the Holidays. I immediately shot back that I was fine if we traded Thanksgiving and Christmas with the kids.
They're just days.
I can make any day special. And the kids agree!
But, I know that he could've brought this up at any other time. He strategically brought up another change to the Separation Agreement while he knew I was here with the kids having a marvelous time.
He intended to wound me. But I'm so far beyond his touch I might as well be in the atmosphere. And he doesn't even realize it.
It's not that I would crumble before, but that I would mold myself into whatever I needed to be to keep his emotions in check. I didn't want him to unload on me or the children.
Now, his emotions aren't my fucking problem. Especially when he's trying to manipulate me.
I'm having a glorious time with my sweet Littles. We're making memories and having adventures that have nothing to do with him.
And there's no way in hell he can break what he can never reach.
𝐬𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠: marco's marital home - chicago, illinois c. summer 2024 / @ilovethismood
knuckles tapped at the cardboard box in front of him, breath hitched in his throat as he packed yet another piece of his life away. withdrawn eyes look over to rivan, one hand raising to ruffle through already tussled curls. his loved ones had been visiting on a REVOLVING BASIS the last few weeks, helping in their own ways as marco prepared for his move across the country. “how many boxes can one man have ?” a half hearted attempt at humor, sighing deeply as his arms cross over his chest. “we should take a break,” he nods, dusting his hands off in front of him. he's taken twenty breaks a day during this process, knows deep down he's stalling, holding onto any pieces of his marriage he can grasp. “ARE YOU HUNGRY ?”
Found an old message to a friend from last August when things were really fresh:
"I've been so alone in all this for so long. So isolated. It's going to take a long time to reclaim me. But I'm locked in."
Oh, Rachel. I wish I could go back to that moment and tell you—you've got this. You're doing it. You'll not only reclaim yourself, but you'll also rediscover yourself in ways you never imagined.
Who we are as people can be very fluid, but I was trapped and smashed into a glass box.
I could see out and others could see in, but who I was didn't match who I wanted to be... who I could feel squirming and screaming under the surface.
Now, I can stretch.
I can move.
I can breathe.
I know there's a theme to my posts, lately, but it's only because I wish I'd seen it more—you can have a better life because you deserve better.
I had Ali—shout out Ali—who was the only voice in my life saying it. And she said it loud enough and often enough that it started to sink in until I believed it.
Maybe I'm your only voice.
So, please hear me—you deserve better, love.
Ivy wasn't a huge outdoorsy person per say but she knew she needed to do something for her soul so gardening it was. Who knows? maybe she'll meet new people that way. For years Ivy wasn't very social and it felt lonely...especially after her divorce where her best friend was her husband...well, in fact, her was her only friend for years. Working as a private investigator was a lone wolf kind of job and she knew what she was getting herself into. As she arrived for the first time to the cummonity garden she noticed this man right away. A silver fox, defiantly someone she could get along with. She approached him and offered a kind smile, "Hello there, I'm new here, do you know who is in charge or...what we do around here?"
Oki so theresssss something I've been wanting to talk about. It's not bothering me too much at the moment, but I just kinda wanna get it off my chest right now.
(tw for vent. You don't gotta read if you don't wanna/can't! I promise I won't mind, this is more just for me so I can get my feelings typed out)
So basically, my parents are split up, but that's not the part I mind. They've been apart for as long as I can remember (literally. Like. Since I was less than a year old). So I'm used to it. In the past, the way it worked was I would spend 1 week at my mom's house then 1 week at my dad's house. However, that changed several years ago
A handful of years ago my mom and stepdad moved. Do a different state. When they moved, I had to make a choice of whether I would do school in the original place that I had been doing and do summers + school breaks in the state with my mom, or do the opposite, school in the place with my mom and summers + school breaks in my original place. I had always thought myself lucky because I'd never had to do the stereotypical thing of choosing a parent, but I guess it had finally caught up to me
It was a really hard choice. And honestly? I wanted to do school in my Mom's state. I wanted to spend most of my time there. I love my dad, I really do, but I have less anxiety and stuff when I'm with my mom. However, my feelings weren't the only factor. All of my friends were/are in my original place. Plus, my dad, although there's a lot of people he knows and talks to, doesn't live with anyone else. If I moved to my Mom's place, I'd have been leaving him alone. So yeah, I ended up choosing to do school in my dad's place.
But, as time has grown on, I keep having this nagging feeling like I made the wrong choice. I LOVE it here in my Not School Place. I'm always so happy and stress free when I'm here. Sure that may be partially because I'm not doing school here, but I know that's not all of it. I just feel more seen and respected and stuff here. However. I can't go back now.
Wanna know something that's been nagging at me? During the couple weeks when I was deciding where to stay, ALLLL of my family kept saying stuff like "Oh, there's no right decision!" And "you won't hurt anyone's feelings, no matter what choice you make!". But. After I chose to do school in my School Place, they ALLLLL started saying stuff like "ohh you made the right choice!" "Im glad you chose to stay here" "I was hoping you'd stay here". Suddenly it was apparent that there HAD been a "right choice"
And that just means that now I know that if I ever did decide to switch it and do school in this place, they would all disapprove. Plus everyone would be like "oh what happened? What made you change your mind??"
Plus. Again. I can't leave my dad alone like that. Or my irl friends. Sure I could text them and call them, but it wouldn't be the same. And they always talk so much about how they miss me over breaks and summer, and how sad they are when I'm gone. And while that's SUPER sweet, and I get that they have good intentions, it just makes me feel super bad. Like, the one time I'm completely happy and stress-free, I'm making them really sad.
The thing I've learned through all of the mess of my life, and all the abusers who've found their way in is this—if you survive, that's halway there.
On the other side of that, you hafta learn how to thrive.
I'm on the cusp of a year—a week from today to go—since my life changed for the better. At first, everything was about survival.
The kids and I changed locations every few days for weeks. My neighbors watched my house and kept an eye out so I could drop by to grab things. I'd park in the neighbor's driveway and run over and back, praying he wouldn't drop by while i was there.
After that, it was time to find new rhythms. New rules. New traditions. New ways of living.
It's not enough to survive, loves.
We deserve to live with joy, hope, happiness, and excitement!
So, this week I'm visiting one of my best friends to celebrate her. A week later, I'm off on an incredible adventure with my father and children.
And, hopefully, by the time we get home, I'll be able to finally sign the papers that close this book entirely.
There's been too many epilogues.
It's time to move onto the new story already in progress.
You deserve the good parts of life, loves.
You deserve to write a story that you love.
I'm so proud of you for getting this far. Truly!
But never forget that you deserve it all. Go get it.
Guys i was talking about how i was afraid to even step into a spencers gifts and a friend called me weak and told me his parents brought him in one all the time when he was a kid, was me saying “christ no wonder they divorced” the wrong reaction?
