ALSO. Quickbird
I keep having little infinity war daydreams about WHAT IF we get a pietro resurection and WHAT IF he and sam have dialogue together and WHAT IF my crackship gains fans and then there’s something in the tag made by someone other than me. WHAT IF.
who the fuck put the peeps in the microwave: Def Pietro are you kidding. basically “These are DISGUSTING.” “then why have you eaten fifteen of them?” “i’m going to cook them- maybe they will taste better” “they really won’t.”
who forgot to put the cat outside before sex: Probably pietro. they wouldn’t even notice most of the time EXCEPT when kerli climbs up on the bed and starts rubbing on pietro’s leg in THE MIDST of things and he freaks out. Which sam finds very funny, until next time he happens to look over and kerli is definitely WATCHING and that is just a mood killer of the weirdest kind.
who posts vines of the other doing embarrassing shit: Are you kidding me Sam Sam SAM. His account is just a mass compilation of Pietro at full speed losing control and running into things.
who breaks the most phones: Pietro. easy.
who dies first: excuse you i ship this nonsense only for smiles and snuggles and happiness JUST KIDDING i love pain. obviously pietro’s already dead in canon, but barring that whole situation, he DOES have healing capabilities and sam is very painfully human and would likely die of various naturally and unnatural causes much easier. pietro... he would struggle. but assuming he still had wanda, he’d manage.
which one I could see as being lactose intolerant: I was going to say pietro because of poor nutrition BUT i would imagine the increased metabolism/healing properties would probably extend to enzyme production so even if he was at one point, he probably isn’t with his powers? So Sam.
who thinks they can do something really well even though they can’t: it depends on who you ask. Both would say of the other “he thinks he’s funny but people only laugh to be polite”
who is more likely to get kicked out of the bed: they have the unique sleeping arrangement problem of sam being a back sleeper and pietro being a stomach sleeper, which means not much spooning, but stacking. Which is cute. When the person stacked on the other is perhaps a natasha sized person. But a pietro sized person could SUFFOCATE someone, so long story short, Pietro gets shoved off onto the floor as a matter of self preservation from time to time.
who uses the computer most: an actual computer- sam. He does all his taxes and banking and bills online and feels very productive and efficient when he can sit at a desk with his laptop and get his life in order. Pietro doesn’t use an actual computer often, but he’s been glued to his smartphone since he got it on joining the team.