On Radical Rest & the New Normal
An age of all-out exhaustion
Although I'm not shy about it, my struggles with Long Covid are somewhat of an open secret. Those who do not wish to know about it purposefully do not inquire further and go about their lives as if nothing has changed. Even my family and oldest friends get caught in the same cycle: they pop up periodically, excitedly ask me what kind of awesome things I'm up to these days, I tell them "Not much, anymore" and mention my chronic fatigue, they respond with "Ohh okay, hope you feel better soon!", disappear for a few months back to their own lives, and then rinse/repeat. For most of these individuals, I have not parsed out exactly where their unwillingness to learn lies -- I only know that it manifests in the same way: denial, disregard, and defensiveness regarding their own behaviors.
This experience has been isolating, to say the least. The level of dismissal and delusion I've witnessed initially shocked me. I have tapered myself down to a kind of stasis while watching the world around me seemingly speed up, akin to an amusement park ride that has malfunctioned and is spinning wildly and dangerously out of control. The "New Normal" demands more risk-taking, outright disdain for others' well-being, and generally hedonistic & thoughtless actions than I thought most people were capable of.
Despite the immense challenge of adjusting to a new chronic illness, being forced by my own body and mind to slow down has been a blessing in its own right. It has led me to reevaluate everything: relationships, my place in the world and my intrinsic worth, consumption, the essence and proclivities of humanity, the past, the future, and the narratives that we unwittingly find ourselves mired in. Without the pressure to constantly be on-the-go and physically involved in things, I have had the time and space to further reflect on the systems and cultural norms around me. I've identified many inconsistencies between the values that others claim to uphold and their behaviors that reveal their true values. Those adept at abstract and critical thinking are less likely to be caught up in the pressure to conform, but humans are above all social beings and these individuals will still find themselves playing into some form of tribalism.
My choice to instead go inward has been my saving grace, and I say to myself that Covid brought about my salvation. After a decade of poor choices made for the sake of "living my life", pleasure-seeking, and desperate attempts at connection with others, I have finally righted the ship. I now prioritize rest above all (which in my view encapsulates sleep, mindfulness, safety, and so much more). I no longer do things at the behest of others or because of some nagging feeling that I "should". (Ridding oneself of FOMO once and for all is truly the first and biggest step.)
Now that I understand how interconnected my anxieties and compulsions are to my nervous system -- how nearly all of my thoughts, actions, and flare-ups were driven by being in a near-constant state of overstimulation -- it's so much easier to say NO.
"No thank you, I don't want to go."
"No thanks, I don't want to participate in that."
"I'm not interested, but I appreciate you thinking of me/reaching out."
It's a common misconception that individuals who still live with awareness of the ongoing pandemic are ""afraid"" and "living in fear" and "hiding in their houses" away from others. Many of us have simply embraced a new way of living, whether out of necessity or by choice, increasingly mindful of how our actions and attitudes affect those around us (and vice versa). The average person somehow convinced themselves that it was brave(?) and righteous to constantly be ill, to always be going somewhere and doing something, and to never think about how their behavior impacts the people (strangers and loved ones alike) or the world around them.
Many people in my life are surprised -- and sometimes insulted -- to discover that I do indeed still venture out occasionally for things beyond work, errands, and other mandatory activities. The things must simply be restful and not trigger my nervous system. (Chaotic getting to the venue, chaotic AT the venue, poor ventilation, overcrowding, etc are all disqualifying conditions.) People seem to get frustrated when their proposed activity doesn't meet this criteria and I decline, but "compromise" for me now only counts when equal effort is made from both parties. Gone are the days of being goaded into something by way of guilt for being "too picky", "too difficult", or "boring". Make the effort, or don't -- I genuinely do not care and will happily retreat into solitude.
I recently joked to one of my aforementioned old friends that I'm in my "monk era". I'm now single and live alone, which was terrifying/overwhelming/stressful at first as a relatively-new & clueless homeowner with precarious health. After several months though, I've come to relish the autonomy that comes with having near-total control of my circumstances, level of precautions, and what I do and focus on. Between my struggle with LC, my existing cPTSD, and the horrors of modern everyday life, adopting radical rest as a whole lifestyle is the path I've found to finally start healing.
If you've found this post and are yourself struggling with anything similar, I wish you well and hope you can get all the rest you need. Bless.
