TW: Not proofread (yet). Descriptions/mentions of injuries, blood and ache. Descriptive trauma’s from Ravenhill (for both Kili and Raewyn), trouble processing everything. Mentions of burning finger tips. Bittersweet angst.
Based off of Metallica’s Until It Sleeps
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Did the author really just combine this with a writing challenge to satisfy both audiences? Absolutely. Pining is a dish best served cold.
“Where do I take this pain of mine?
I run but it stays right my side.”
Gandalf never not spoke in riddles. It furiated Raewyn beyond words, but it was and would always be something that she would have to live with. When she had asked him about Zharad, he remained his usual mysterious self, refusing to give straight answers instead of crypted words. If it wasn't for her fatigue and injuries, she might have punched him.
All she found out about Zharad was that she was indeed married into her family, but worked in a small village as a healer. She was considered an outcast for the people there, but still a welcome addition. She hadn't known of Raewyn's existence out of protection for the younger Asha. Gandalf feared that any message that could be intercepted could not only risk the life of Zharad, but also Raewyn. Thus, he kept them separated. When she had grown of age and left the old wizard, Gandalf had almost anticipated she would come back with the news of her aunt, but she never did. And as they scarcely met over the years, Gandalf saw no reason to mention it. After all, it was in his best belief Raewyn learned to let go of that which had plagued her for years.
Raewyn disagreed, obviously.
“So tear me open, pour me out.
There's things inside that scream and shout.
And the pain still hates me,
So hold me, until it sleeps.”
Much to her dismay, Zharad had left before Raewyn had any say in it. Gandalf offered her a way of contact would they have the urge to meet again, which the Asha had gracefully accepted. The call to leave hadn't been Gandalf's after all - Zharad had left on her own accord, claiming her town needed her and Raewyn would heal if she only did what had been recommended. That should have been enough to soothe anyone's mind concerning Raewyn's health.
It didn't, obviously.
After her, less conversation, more screaming, with Gandalf, she had taken off to her tent in a messy stumble, sitting back down on the cot in defeat and anger. Kili had followed her once more, ignoring the glares he got from Oín when it became apparent he too hadn't followed any medical advice.
“Just like the curse, just like the stray.
You feed it once and now it stays, now it stays.”
"Why does he get a say in my family?" Raewyn ranted, still over in her head from Gandalf's words. "All my life, I thought he truly wanted to help me, but he's been hiding this since the beginning!" Running a hand through her hair in frustration, she tried to calm herself down.
"I understand now might not be the time," Kili began. "But do you not think there is at least a little truth in Gandalf's words?" At those words, Raewyn's eyebrows furrowed together in more frustration, doing her best to not glare. Kili tensed under the notion all the same, but continued: "He was doing what he could to keep you safe."
When Raewyn refused to verbally respond to him, he decided to keep going carefully. "He raised you as a child - I thought you considered him family. I'm not saying he gets to decide your life, but what he did was with good reason."
"Are you turning against me too?" That made Kili halt. Gently, he sat down on his knees in front of her, now seeing her face. Rage had washed into guilt and sorrow, and he could not help but let the emotions pierce his heart as well.
“So tear me open but beware;
There's things inside without a care.
And the dirt still stains me,
So wash me, until I'm clean.”
"Rae," He began softly, placing his hands on top of hers, its coarse bandages lightly scratching her skin. "No one is turning against you." "It feels like it." She mumbled, not moving under his hold. She slowly raised her head, meeting the dwarf's eyes.
"He lied to me, Kili." As much as he understood Gandalf's point, he felt for Raewyn. To have the one thing you consider family hiding the fact that you still have living ancestors out there, even after witnessing the brutal massacre of the rest of them. He understood her as much as he understood the old wizard, which meant he also realised that trying to convince her of Gandalf's innocence was not going to work now.
"Listen to me," He tried. "Everyone here has done their best to keep you safe, to keep you healing. No one in this mountain right now has any ideas of turning against you." Searching his eyes for any kinds of lies or amusement, she sighed. She knew he was being honest - he always was against her. She didn't necessarily need to observe him in order to recognise that. She simply sought an excuse to look at him just a little longer. But his shift of conversation seemed to work for now, for a cracked smile appeared on her face: "That must have been a pain,"
Shaking his head with a tiny chuckle, he looked down at their hands, noting the slight tension in Raewyn's. "Must've hurt Thorin's ego." She followed, a hint of humour on her tongue. Then, sincerity returned: "How long was I out?"
“It grips you, so hold me.
It stains you, so hold me.”
He knew the question was coming; it must have been on her mind since the moment she woke. In all truth, he had lost count of it. He lost count after two days, when sleep failed to visit him regularly. "Longer than we wanted," He settled on, which wasn't a lie for him. "But you are here, that is what matters. Don't waste your energy on distrusting family or starting fights. Please, just focus on healing now."
A soft smile made its way to Raewyn's face, barely recognisable, but Kili saw it. "You're good at this." She muttered. "Talking." "I'm an excellent talker." The dwarf joked, shooting a wink her way.
"I know," She agreed. "Thank you."
“It hates you, so hold me.
It holds you, so hold me.
Until it sleeps.”
Ultimately, the dwarf rose, letting go of Raewyn's hands as he looked around the dishevelled tent. The smell of blood, mud and sweat hung heavy in the air, and he scrunched his nose up as the scent finally reached him. "We should get you to your room. I figure this can become clammy."
"My room?" The Asha voiced confused, observing the dwarf intently. "Yes," He nodded, turning to Raewyn. "We would not let you stay here in the barns."
Her face fell slightly upon his speech, not knowing how to go against his words again. Unfortunately, she'd be as honest to him as he was to her, and she shook her head to him. "Kili, I do not know if I will stay here." The smile from his face disappeared quickly, a worried glance in his eyes now. A weightless yet sinking feeling entered his stomach: "Why not?"
Shrugging in futility, Raewyn looked at her empty hands. "It is not really a home for a ranger, is it?" Kili's head leaned to the side slightly, a worried frown on his face, all decisions and thoughts swirling through his head in a whirlwind.
"It doesn't have to be." "Ki-" "The reason you wanted to join this quest was to kill the last name on your father's list, was it not?" He interrupted quickly. A look of wonder crossed Raewyn's face, her eyes falling on his figure. "You remembered that?" She wondered incredulously.
“So tell me why you've chosen me.
Don't want your grip, don't want your greed, don't want it.”
"You are done," He sighed aloud, falling back to his knees, the Asha's eyes following his every movement. "Rae, you don't have to avenge your family's name your entire life. You forgave Thorin, you killed the dragon, you killed Azog, you met your aunt. You did it, Rae. You avenged them." Again, his hands found hers, squeezing them through his pain. Piercing brown eyes met hers, a look so pleading in them, she was speechless for them for a second. "So what is in it for you now?"
Swallowing harshly, she tried to push her compliance down, insecurities taking over as she spoke through a shaking voice: "It is all I've ever known." Heartbreak flashed through Kili as she spoke those words - not even for him, but for her. She never belonged anywhere, she wandered with an old wizard and lived a life of revenge and agony. She had no comforts of someone she could run to or talk to; she had no safe space. And he'd be damned if he'd let her leave without one after their entire journey.
“I'll tear me open, make you gone.
No more can you hurt anyone.
And the fear still shakes me,
So hold me, until it sleeps.”
"It doesn't have to be." "Ki-" "The reason you wanted to join this quest was to kill the last name on your father's list, was it not?" He interrupted quickly. A look of wonder crossed Raewyn's face, her eyes falling on his figure. "You remembered that?" She wondered incredulously.
"You are done," He sighed aloud, falling back to his knees, the Asha's eyes following his every movement. "Rae, you don't have to avenge your family's name your entire life. You forgave Thorin, you killed the dragon, you killed Azog, you met your aunt. You did it, Rae. You avenged them." Again, his hands found hers, squeezing them through his pain. Piercing brown eyes met hers, a look so pleading in them, she was speechless for them for a second. "So what is in it for you now?"
Swallowing harshly, she tried to push her compliance down, insecurities taking over as she spoke through a shaking voice: "It is all I've ever known." Heartbreak flashed through Kili as she spoke those words - not even for him, but for her. She never belonged anywhere, she wandered with an old wizard and lived a life of revenge and agony. She had no comforts of someone she could run to or talk to; she had no safe space. And he'd be damned if he'd let her leave without one after their entire journey.
"It doesn't have to be." He whispered. "You can stay." A tiny scoff of sympathy escaped her: "And do what?" "You could become a captain of the guard." He announced without thinking, cursing himself silently for speaking these words. "Excuse me?" Raewyn coughed out, noting Kili's eyes quickly closing in regret.
"Thorin wanted to propose it once you were completely healed, but he can't if you have already left." He revealed. Passion engulfed him as he continued to explain the idea. "You could help people here: Erebor, Dale, the borders of Mirkwood. You have the experience and loyalty of no other - there is no better person to take this role than you."
Raewyn was silent at this confession. He didn't expect her to not be, it was quite the revelation. But he did not want her to leave either. She needed to stay. If not for herself, than for him. But he wouldn't tell her that. At least, not now, while she was still half asleep. He shouldn't have dropped this topic like that, but he needed a good reason for her to stay for at least a couple more days. "I understand it is a difficult decision to make right now, but please, just think it over." He proposed. "Don't leave yet."
“It grips you, so hold me.
It stains you, so hold me.”
It was such a Kili thing to make Raewyn ponder over solutions to questions she'd usually already know the answer to. If he had asked her to position for captain of the guard a month ago, she would have wholeheartedly refused, probably mocking him and laughing in his face for good measure. If there was anything, beside stubbornness, that Ashas were known for, it was for their hatred - or extreme disdain - towards kingdoms and those of higher standards. A hierarchy was never needed for them. It took years for her to even warm up to Elrond; she still struggles to address him properly. It was almost as if asking a hobbit to live in solitude for the rest of its life: you didn't do it. But, per usual, Kili went completely against her expectations and got away with it easily.
So, there she sat, completely stunned and wordless on top of a warm and comfortable bed. In pure dwarvish fashion, it had been adorned with blankets, sheets, and pillows beyond counting, and though it was extremely comfortable, Raewyn found it too hot to place herself in the midst of it now. The young prince had walked her to her room, pointing her towards the two doors leading to his bedroom and his brother's respectively, in case something were to arise. It was a short walk away, but even now, it felt miles away. Ever since she woke, people had been swarming her, and now she was ultimately alone.
“It hates you, so hold me.
It holds you, holds you, holds you.
Until it sleeps.”
It was a terrifying thought for her. Realisation hit as she silently recounted the bodies she had seen on the battlefield when meeting Fili earlier. She had lived when so many others lost their lives. She still couldn't comprehend how. She recounted the freezing breeze on Ravenhill, and the shouts and yells of the orcs. The terrible malice in Azog's eyes as he swung her body across the ice. A short shock ripped through her body as his eyes appeared in front of her, an iron grip suddenly on her ankles. Pulling her legs up in reflex, she hissed loudly when her bandages scratched the open wound on her back, tears quickly gathering in her eyes.
The lack of air, the freezing waters over her body, the uncomfortable feeling of her clothes clinging to her skin, the bared muscles on her back, painful hands grasping her tightly, a heart wrenching scream. She was jerked from her memories sharply when her fingertips met the burning flames of the candle on her night stand. She hadn't noticed she was inching towards it until she felt the blisters forming on her fingertips.
"Shit," She mumbled, pushing the burned fingertips to the blankets beneath her. The turmoil within her refused to settle, whatsoever. The cold was gone now, but confusion remained. She wanted to let the issue rest - leave Zharad for what she knew, but after the old dwarrow's words, she couldn't help but wonder how many others she had known before the slaughter.
Standing up quickly, she ignored the pain shooting through her back as she stumbled towards the door. She thought a moment alone would give her enough time to think - to properly process everything - but it hadn’t. If anything, being alone only seemed to amplify her distress and confusion. No; the last thing she needed right now was to be alone with her thoughts. As much as she’d like for everything to just be quiet.
The halls were empty now. From the distance, she could hear a few voices talking with each other in hushed tones, but that was all there seemed to be right now. It was a chilling contrast to the ambiance in the mountain only days earlier. She didn’t know what she preferred. A walk through the halls now seemed to last forever with the impending silence, whereas it earlier felt as a brief walk. She didn’t know how long she had been walking - or stumbling - until a voice cut through the silence.
“What are you doing up?” The tone was not hostile, but genuinely confused. Turning around, she came face to face with Bofur, his head tilted slightly at the sight of Raewyn: “I thought Kili showed you your chambers?” Taken by surprise, all that she could really utter, was a simple ‘yes’, before she finally came to her senses: “I just needed to stretch my legs.” “Lass, no offence,” the dwarf began kindly. “But I don’t think it is a good idea for you to be up and about right now.” “I’ll be fine.” Raewyn dismissed him, trying to continue her walk, but in her pace, Bofur was quick to catch up: “I should walk you back to your room.”
She sighed at that, knowing it was probably a good idea if she wasn’t to be left alone now. That was the entire reason she had stepped into the halls to begin with. Thus, she relented: “Do you know where Kili is?” A slight smile appeared on Bofur’s face, but he tried to keep it hidden. “He’s in his chamber.” “Where is that?” “Across from yours.” He then said hesitantly, as if it surprised him she didn’t know that. “I’ll walk with you.”
“So tear me open but beware;
The things inside without a care.
And the dirt still stains me,
So wash me 'til I'm clean.”
Standing up quickly, she ignored the pain shooting through her back as she stumbled towards the door. She thought a moment alone would give her enough time to think - to properly process everything - but it hadn't. If anything, being alone only seemed to amplify her distress and confusion. No; the last thing she needed right now was to be alone with her thoughts. As much as she'd like for everything to just be quiet.
The halls were empty now. From the distance, she could hear a few voices talking with each other in hushed tones, but that was all there seemed to be right now. It was a chilling contrast to the ambiance in the mountain only days earlier. She didn't know what she preferred. A walk through the halls now seemed to last forever with the impending silence, whereas it earlier felt as a brief walk. She didn't know how long she had been walking - or stumbling - until a voice cut through the silence.
"What are you doing up?" The tone was not hostile, but genuinely confused. Turning around, she came face to face with Bofur, his head tilted slightly at the sight of Raewyn: "I thought Kili showed you your chambers?" Taken by surprise, all that she could really utter, was a simple 'yes', before she finally came to her senses: "I just needed to stretch my legs."
"Lass, no offence," the dwarf began kindly. "But I don't think it is a good idea for you to be up and about right now."
"I'll be fine." Raewyn dismissed him, trying to continue her walk, but in her pace, Bofur was quick to catch up: "I should walk you back to your room."
She sighed at that, knowing it was probably a good idea if she wasn't to be left alone now. That was the entire reason she had stepped into the halls to begin with. Thus, she relented: "Do you know where Kili is?" A slight smile appeared on Bofur's face, but he tried to keep it hidden.
"He's in his chamber."
"Where is that?"
"Across from yours." He then said hesitantly, as if it surprised him she didn't know that. "I'll walk with you."
Bofur was patient as he walked beside Raewyn, letting her set the pace, though it was achingly slow. When they finally arrived at Kili's door, it didn't take long for him to arrive after Bofur knocked. Though it was late, he didn't appear to be asleep. Unless he managed to jump out of bed at the first knock. "What's wrong-" he started, almost out of reflex, but when he saw Raewyn, his frown deepened. "Is everything alright?"
"The lass was looking for you. Didn't know where you were." "Oh," Kili breathed, his eyes not moving from Raewyn's figure. Bofur noticed, and merely nodded his head. "Right then. Good night." And with that, he was gone again.
Kili immediately walked up to Raewyn, his hands gently finding her shoulders as he forced her to look at him. "Are you alright?"
She couldn't really answer. How would she even begin to explain everything? He'd been through enough. He was resting too - she shouldn't lay her burdens on his mind. How would he even be able to help? Why did she want to seek him out in specific? The unanswered questions combined with her earlier dread seemed to snap the thin wire. She opened her mouth to say something, but instead, a ragged breath came out, and she had to fight to keep her tears in. He noticed. Of course he did. He seemed to notice everything.
"Come here." He whispered, leading her into his room as he closed the door behind her. She didn't want to fall apart right there, but when his arms gently wrapped around her, pulling her into his frame, she was left with little choice. Tears fell down her cheeks as she clutched onto his back, revelling in the comfort his sheer being simply seemed to radiate. He didn't say anything for a long time. Not until she had finally calmed down and the grip on his tunic had lessened.
“I'll tear me open, make you gone.
No longer will you hurt anyone.”
"What happened?" He asked in a hushed voice, keeping her at an arm's length as he looked at her. Again, she failed to answer him, her head falling against his chest in exhaustion. Almost instinctively, his hand brushed her forehead, frowning as he felt the beads of sweat rolling off her face: "Hey, you're boiling."
Then, ultimately, her voice found its way back to her, even as it slightly cracked: "How are you alright with all of this?"
Seemingly hesitant at her words, Kili frowned. "I'm sorry?" "It's just..." Raewyn trailed off, not sure what exactly to tell him. He refused to fill the silence that followed, leaving her almost obligated to finish her sentence. "Each time I close my eyes-" She stopped talking. She didn't know what to say. How would she even begin to explain it? An involuntary chill ran up her spine as the memories resurfaced. "It's so cold."
Kili led her to the hearth in his room, kneeling down onto the fur rugs as Raewyn followed his lead, keeping a considerate distance from the fire. It was then that the dwarf noticed her coloured finger tips. "What happened to your fingers?" He gasped, grasping one of her hands in his, inspecting them closely. She let him.
"I don't know." She mumbled, but shook out of her thoughts quickly, changing her answer. "I burned them, but not on purpose." Kili's eyes met hers, concern and confusion evident within them. "It was so cold." She tried to defend. With that, Kili rose from his seat, causing Raewyn to clutch onto his sleeve, ignoring the burning pain it gave her fingers.
"No, please-" "I'm getting a bowl of water for you." "No," she dismissed, a look in her eyes unlike any Kili had seen before. If he had, it had certainly not been coming from her. There was so much evident distress and panic, just as he planned to walk away. "Please stay." She repeated, exhaling a sigh of relief as he sat back down beside her, his heart beating wildly at her sudden change in behaviour
"Alright."
“And the hate still shapes me.
So hold me, until it sleeps.”
They simply sat there for a moment, far enough from the fire that Raewyn wouldn't come too close again, but not far enough to not feel the warmth radiating off of it. Yet, regardless of all that, Kili still felt helpless: "Is there anything I can do to help?"
She answered quickly, as if the answer had been on the tip of her tongue to begin with. "Just stay." She swallowed harshly, sitting closer to him until their shoulders were touching. "I don't want to be alone."
"You won't have to be." He whispered, doing his best to comfort her in any way he could.
"Everything is done, but it-" she ranted, trying to find the right words. "It doesn't feel over." "I know." The dwarf agreed, unsure of whether he should embrace her again or leave her for a moment. She was hard to read at times, and he did not want to take anything the wrong way. If he didn't get his hopes up, he wouldn't be disappointed.
Raewyn didn't notice his internal struggle. She simply looked up at him, some flabbergasted. "You know?" "I haven't had a good sleep for days." He confessed. Each time he tried to sleep, he'd see that dreaded hill, and Raewyn's figure refusing to resurface. The blood that had stained his hands that wasn't his, the crack of ribs as he tried to resuscitate the dying figure, the way she hadn't woken up in days. It caused him more agony than relief. Even after it all had ended.
"Each time I am by myself, my mind plagues me. It shows me things that have already come to pass. I can't seem to get it out." Raewyn nodded at that, somewhat glad she wasn't the only one, even if she felt he didn't deserve to receive the pain she had been going through. She would never wish that upon him. But she didn't tell him that.
"Me neither." She whispered, then leaned her head on his shoulder as her eyes became glued to the fire in front of her.
"Ki, it was so cold." She muttered, her hands trying to find a comfortable way to lay on her lap. "You're alright." He hummed, noticing her struggle. Again, his hands reached for hers, the freezing touch of hers sending an involuntary shiver along his arms. He pushed it down. She seemed to relax under his warmth.
"You're here now."
“Until it sleeps, until it sleeps.
Until it sleeps, until it sleeps.”
so in the arson server, we have a wheel we spin to pick elves to draw or write or whatever we're doing for elf week. initially i just got nene, but the wheel landed directly on the line between nene and magadh, so i decided to draw both of them. then, i went crazy and said "what if i drew all of the fanelves?" and uhhhh yeah here we are
in order:
@t-f-t 's magadh, @lyranova ' s nene, @the-geek-librarian ' s cendra, @wildflowerwoodsworld 's raewyn, @ravioli-fries ' azriel, and @cloverkingsmith 's talai
Changed Raewyn's design a little. Tweaked her hair style, ear shape, and I also made her taller. Anyways I like how this sketch came out so you guys can have it.
