"The girl he left behind"
Summary: Sergeant Barnes has lived a long time,time which his enemies claim is burrowed.Enough time, to endure all the darkness and despair the world has to offer.No one could even begin to imagine the horrors he could have possibly seen in the void.Truth is though,that for the human soul,things are much,much more simple.Things that seem to define us,often stay hidden,lurking in the shadows of our subconscious,until we have to acknowledge them.More often than not,and Sergeant Barnes is no exception,this tends to happen at our lowest point.
Warnings:Thunderbolts mildest spoilers ever(mostly about how the void works),Grief,alcoholism mentioned,graveyard setting,mention of depression and mental illness,PTSD,description of a panic attack,thoughts about wars and soldiers.
*This has been in my drafts for a while and I finished it while having a fever lmao😭.I was kinda dissapointed not to see Bucky's Void in Tb.I know we have seen plenty of hydra,but I think it was a chance to explore his psych through important stuff that havent even been mentioned in the show.Thats what was my inspo for this fic.Hope you enjoy!*🩵
Please be kind,English is not my first language.
◞ ྀི◟ ͜ ◞ ྀི◟ ͜ ◞ ྀི◟⠀ ◞ ྀི◟ ͜ ◞ ྀི◟ ͜ ◞ ྀི◟
"Oh no..I had a great past so I'm totally fine"
If they weren't all trapped in a soul crushing simulation of their worst memories and experiences,everyone would give him a playful scoff,or a pat in the back combined with pitiful eyes before telling him it's okay to not pretend sometimes.
However,the situation was dire,and they needed to save the city-and quite possibly the world-.Things were moving quick and they had to regroup.
But it was there,it lingered in the back on his head.Since way too long before the void,and way too long after the fight.Creeping up on moments where he dared to assume things were-for the first time since A WHILE-somewhat fine.Making his head pounding,his breath shallow and his heartbeat acknowledged.
More often than not,it was also there,in those few moments where he would decide to fight back.Where he would decide to stop running from the voices that tormented his head everytime he tried to sleep.In those small moments of victory,where he would be-seemingly for the 100th time-pouring his entire cheap stash of alcohol down the sink.
Meaning,it seemed to appear was time to face his guilt head on,and bridge the man he was trying to build with the boy that thought that had everything grounded.
Given all of this,it wasn't really a really big surprise when he saw her in the void.Multiple times.
He saw the day he tried to find her again.To see if she was still alive.It was hard.But he needed to know.He always hoped she has a perfect life,with a happy family.Thats what she said she wanted.But he wasn't sure why he couldn't be happy about her when he found out exactly that.
Hell,she was happy.Content.Surrounded by her their family.They were returning from her granddaughter's dance recital.A ballerina.Just like she wanted,before polyo robbed her of her future.But of course she didnt have any resentment.She was always like that.Full of sunshine and kindness.Satiated with leaving her dreams through her family.
Prosperity.Stability.Joy
Everything she built without him.She didn't need him.Of course she hadn't.It's been so long.
The family moved inside the house and closed the door.Bucky creeped towards the front window.
It was the first time he truly felt like a mere number in a history book.Another lost soldier that didn't make it.Another serial number whose only salvation was an unknown soldier memorial.It was the first time Bucky didn't feel disconnected from his old self.Because for the first time,he didn't see him as something significant.He would spend hours on therapy,talking about his fear of never truly reclaiming his lost identity again.He'd started this endless journey of self discovery,of trying to resurrect James,and bury the Soldat in his place instead.
But this time,for the first time ever,he felt like maybe James wasn't something worth saving.
Maybe the Soldat was the only way he could ever be anything of purpose.Maybe Hydra chose him,didn't just find him.Maybe the darkness was always there,looming,creeping in,and found it's chance to take over when he was in an enviroment that allowed it.
Maybe he let them take over
Maybe he willingly let go of everything holding him back,his family,his friends,his values,in exchange for some pain relief.For the bliss of the haziness he felt when the Soldat took over,numbness consuming him and waking up at the end of the missions,only to be put in cryo and sleep again.
Maybe James wasn't anything to look for,to find or reclaim.Maybe this fragile,vulnerable washed up version of a man he was now was all he had.
-"NO"!
He punched Becca's window so hard he lost his balance.He looked at his flesh arm.He didnt have a single scratch,nor he was in pain.Everything was in slow motion.The glass shards didnt fell to the floor,but remained hovering,surrounding him as if to mock him,only for them to to turn into soft water droplets a few seconds later.They were everywhere.Then the scenery changed quickly. Everything was dark.He was suddenly drenched.He was getting cold.He hated getting cold.It reminded him of the first few horrible moments of waking up from the cryo chamber.Most of his limbs barely surviving frostbites,his vision failing him,diziness not allowing to even stand in his own.Being injected.Beaten.Tortured to submission.Striped from any sense of decency or humanity.Until it was time to go to that cursed chair again and-
His heartbeat started going up.His hands were shaking.He knew when a panic attack was coming.He started taking deep breaths.
"Inhale..1,2,3,4....exhale..1,2,3,4"
He started looking around,trying to pinpoint stuff.The ground smelled of rain and mud.There was fog everywhere.It would have been peaceful if it wasn't for the dread looming in his chest.
"I have to get out of here"
He took a deep breath and started trying to navigate.He started walking. Faster.And faster.Nothing would change.
"FOR FUCK'S SHA-"
He made a swift turn towards the other side until he froze.He held his breath.In front him,there was finally something.Two small children.They were standing in front of a single marble gravestone.There wasn't much of age difference.The both looked like they were around 8 to 10 years of age.
-"You think he is looking at us right now Jimmy?"
-"Sure!What do you think we brought him red peonies for?He loves red!"
-"If mummy finds out.."
-"She won't!Have I ever lied to you?"
-"Yes!You blamed Roxy for eating my chocolates when it was obvious that dogs dont-"
-"Have I ever let you down?"
The little girl didn't speak.
-"Exactly.This is not easy for mum.But you have every right to visit dad if you miss him.I still don't understand why she left you at Jenny's for the funeral."
-"She told me graveyards were not for little girls and daddy wouldn't have wanted me there.
-"Crap!You're barely a year younger than me!"
-"Jimmy!"
-"Sorry.."
A few seconds passed..then the boy started giggling
-"Dad would smirk at me right now.He never pretended that swear words bothered him".
"Nope!"
Little Becca leaves the peonies next to her father's name:
"James "Jimmy" Buchanan Barnes Sr.
Beloved and never forgotten.
Father,Husband,friend and fighter"
"They should have put hero as well!"
Little Bucky stomped his foot at the ground.
"We don't need a tombstone to tell us that"
The boy blinked.He then turned at his sister.He was staring at her.Dumbfounded
"You're...you're right.."
A big pause
"you're always right"
"Of course I am"
Bucky scoffs and wraps an arm around his sister.
He didnt speak for a while.He was just staring st the ground.Becca knew something was up.When her brother wasnt blabbering,something was ALWAYS up
"What are you thinking?"
"It is just that..now..I..I am the one that supposed to take care of you.Take care of mum.The house.I am the man now and-
"Mum was literally feeding you chicken soup on your bed a week ago?Who is the one taking care of who again?"
"I was sick!"
"I know!That's what I am trying to tell you.You're still a kid.Like me.That doesn't change because dad died.We can't do anything more than stay out of trouble for ma's shake"
-"But.."
-"No buts!We're in this together!That's what families are for you doofus"
-"Watch it!I'm still older than you"
Becca pinches his cheeck condescendingly
-"Barely"
"Oh I'll show ya"
He gave his little sister a tickle attack which evolved into a playfight.
A few rounds of screaming matches later,it was time for the kids to leave the tombstone behind,go home before their mother found out where they were.They took one last good look at where their father had been buried.A few minuted later,it was the little girl that spoke.
"You have to stay though" said Becca suddenly.
"What does this mean?"
"It means that if we're gonna get through this,we need to be together,ALL of us."Becky's eyes suddenly became glossy and her voice started shaking.
"But if you get drafted,"
The boy sharply turns to face her as she started heaving.
"-like dad did and-..."
Bucky couldnt stand it anymore.He wrapped his sister in his arms,keeping her firmly against his chest,one hand cradling her head and the other rubbing circles on her back.
-"I will always be with you.Even if I'm far away it will only be because I have to,and I will ALWAYS return back home."
-"Jimmy you can't know if-"
-"Always"
Becca sniffled.
-You promise?
-I promise
Bucky was thinking of his sister-and everyone he left behind-often.But this..this was a memory he had buried deep inside.So deep,it didn't even came back when Shuri finally freed his mind of Hydra's control.It was like the void's power digged into his soul and dragged his deepest,most sacred moments.Memories that formed and defined his character.That day at the cemetery,was defitinitive for him and his character.It changed him,made him grow up,feel a sense of responsibility towards those he loved.It was a messed up world,and nothing should he taken for granted.
It took a while to start fighting against the void.He couldn't move.All he could do was stare at the two children.It was impossible.He couldn't speak.He couldn't yell.He couldn't move his eyes away.He couldn't even breathe.The promise...the promise that haunted his mind..his soul..every part of him.A promise he made and broke in the worst possible way.He may have returned from the front,from Hydra.He may have escaped,and after a long time,he may be free.But home,that's a place he mever returned to.
