I mean, I didn’t complain. I’d take any chance I got to spend time with my little sister. But color me surprised when she came to my room with a box of old shit from seven, eight years ago. And all of it was school related - yearbooks, certificates, ribbons. We went through the box, picking through the items. Unsurprisingly, everything belonged to my sister.
“Where did you even find this shit?” I asked.
Clarisse was flipping through a yearbook from 2007. “In storage. Mom kept it all.”
I picked out the final item: a certificate signifying success in French, the only class I had been more than decent in. And that was the only thing in the entire damn box that belonged to me. I scowled at the paper before putting it back. The entire box was the Clarisse Show.
Years ago, I had been bitter about how my sister succeeded and I could not. I was glad she was better in school than I ever was, but this was a bitter reminder of just how difficult it had been as a student, having ADHD and dyslexia.
“What’s that face for?”
I looked back over at her. “Oh, y’know. Remembering how my best is never good enough. Good times.”
Clarisse narrowed her eyes. “What are you talking about?”
I sighed. “Right. You were too young to really remember.” I leaned back on the bed, looking up at the ceiling. “I almost lost my inheritance, before all of this. Because I was failing school. I tried so damn hard, but it was never good enough. And that’s kind of stuck with me. Nothing I do is good enough. Not for Mom and Dad, not for the FBI, not for the DID…” I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter how fucking high my IQ is if I can’t apply it.”
She remained quiet for a moment. “…Is that why you hated me?”
I let out a self-depreciating laugh, sitting up straight. “Yeah. You were the perfect one. You couldn’t do anything wrong. Meanwhile, I couldn’t go a week without getting detention.”
Clarisse looked down. “...Sorry.”
“Not your fault.” I sighed. “The past is the past. I don’t even care anymore. I’m just glad you’re succeeding where I failed.” I leaned forward, trying to give her a reassuring grin. “‘Sides, we’re working together now, yeah? We can make up for each other’s weaknesses.”
It took a moment, but she snorted, rolling her eyes at me. “If that’s what you wanna call it.”
I rolled my eyes right back at her. “Well, are you gonna show me your embarrassing elementary pictures or not?”
It wasn’t the first time, nor would it be the last.
Innes was no stranger to one night stands. She was ashamed to admit it, but it was true. Of course, it was different with Ellie. It was always different with Ellie. Five years, and she still hadn’t gotten over her. Five years, and she had thrown all progress to the curb when she heard Ellie was back.
None of that really mattered now. She was on the team. They were… friends. As much as they could be after what happened. Ellie—or Red, as she liked to be called now—was now dating Lily, and the two of them were obviously happy together. Innes held no animosity towards the younger girl, but sometimes she still felt jealous, on the days where it just became… too much.
Today was one of those days.
It was a few minutes before a team meeting. So far, only she and Red had shown up. Well, Red had called the meeting, so naturally she would be here first. But Innes felt tense, sitting in the lounge with only her ex-lover, feeling dirty from… last night’s encounter.
“Innes? You’ve been awfully quiet.”
She almost jumped, looking over at the woman who still held her heart. “No, I haven’t.”
Red rolled her eyes. “Sure. You’re talking my head right off.” Then she grew serious, frowning. “You okay?”
For once in these past few years, maybe she should be honest.
“…Not really.” She looked away. “I… was feeling lonely last night. So I… went to a bar. I met a guy. I… slept with him. I don’t know why I keep on thinking that will make me feel better. It only makes me feel… worse.”
Red sighed. “Sex never fixes anything, Innes. It only makes things worse.” Then, bitterly, she added, “I would know.”
Her hands clenched into fists as she looked up, gray eyes locking on her. “What do you know of how I feel? Everyone tosses me aside once they’re done with me, like yesterday’s trash. I’m sick of being treated like this.”
Red was quiet for a moment. Heavy silence permeated the room. Finally, she broke it with another sigh. Innes forced herself to look over.
“Then maybe you should treat yourself better.” Red’s voice was flat, but tinted with the fainted hint of anger. “Maybe you should stop treating yourself like shit by throwing yourself at the nearest fuckboy who’d take advantage of you. You can’t keep blaming others when you willingly put yourself in these situations.”
Innes flinched. The words stung like a slap in the face.
“I’m sorry about what happened. I really am. But none of us can help you when do this to yourself.”
She was right, of course. As painful as it was to admit. Red knew her well—perhaps too well. She looked away again, curling up on the couch. Talking to her ex-lover was pointless. She would never understand how it felt. There was always someone to love Red—first her, then Charlotte, now Lily. It wasn’t fair.
But regardless, it didn’t matter. This conversation couldn’t continue. Because the others were arriving. Innes sat up straight, forcing any unhappiness out of her expression. They couldn’t know she was struggling.
Characters: Red Pendragon, Innes Lennox, Basile Pendragon
POV: Red Pendragon
Warnings: Exploration of Red’s childhood, the forcing of young girls to grow up to fast, sexuality, and sex, along with mentions of incest, sexual abuse, and teen pregnancy. Red has a really dark backstory I’m sorry
Everyone dreaded that day in school—the day they had no choice but to skip gym. The class was split between the boys and girls, each going to a separate classroom. Ellie remembered being confused, wondering what that whole thing was about. That day, they learned about puberty... about menstruation and pregnancy. It was terrifying, really, to learn that they had that to look forward to in the future. Serena had been grossed out, Innes a little worried, but for Ellie, it gave her answers.
Not long after their first sex ed class, it came. It was spring break, and the Lennoxes had invited the Pendragons and Proulx family over for a barbecue. Already, puberty had been kind—or not so kind, depending on perspective—to Ellie. She already wore a training bra, much to Innes’s jealousy, though Serena was indifferent about the whole thing. Nevertheless it was a surprise when she went to the bathroom and found brown blood on the inside of her underwear. Despite the lessons, she panicked, trying to hide it from her mother, until she eventually found out. Diana was not surprised that it had arrived so soon, and tried to console her daughter. “You have a woman’s body now,” she said. “If you have sex, you’ll get pregnant. Be careful, sweetie.”
A woman, Ellie thought. Something about it was enthralling and terrifying at the same time. What did it even mean? That she could finally be more like Mom? She admired her mother so much—for her beauty, for her talent, for her success. It wasn’t long before she started asking for makeup, cute training bras, and trying to dress more mature.
It only got worse when she turned eleven. Puberty hit her hard. She was an early bloomer, surpassing her friends. She was already a B-cup, an awkward mix of gangly limbs and curves that no eleven-year-old should have. She quickly grew self-conscious, comparing herself to teenagers and even the actresses her mother worked with. It wasn’t long before she became curious about adult things—such as where babies came from and how sex worked. Dial up internet was a pain in the butt, but she persevered, venturing onto areas of the web no child should see. It was in that way that she learned about sex, about how women were only meant to exist to please men, and how her value came only from her sex appeal.
For years, she had crushed on girls, admitted to liking girls, and suddenly she was unsure of herself—if it was possible, that she wasn’t mistaking it for friendship. No, she needed to like boys. That was normal. Right?
Twelve years old marked the beginning of middle school, the beginning of a new era. Ellie tried to dress like older girls, like the teenager she would be in a year. She was still scrawny, but was starting to fill out—or so she liked to think. She dolled herself up, putting on makeup (which she practiced with Innes), shaving her legs, and wearing shorts that rode up her thighs, no matter how much her parents tried to convince her otherwise. She refused to wear anything else. No, she had an image to uphold. She had to look sexy.
Serena bragged of getting her first kiss. Oh, she was so jealous. Why couldn’t someone kiss her? Innes suggested they practice on each other, so when they finally found boys to kiss, they’d be really good at it. Ellie agreed. It was awkward. They fumbled. But it felt... good.
Seventh grade came in a flash. Ellie hit another growth spurt. The curves came as soon as she hit thirteen, pushing her up to a C-cup. Her hips finally filled out, her thighs grew thicker. She was sexy now, right? Her periods were getting worse, for whatever reason, but Mom didn’t want to put her on birth control. That was only for sluts, wasn’t it? Ellie wasn’t a slut. She was good. She was getting into less trouble at school now. More boys liked her. It was fine.
Then, one day, they had a sleepover at the Pendragon mansion. Serena couldn’t come due to some family event, but Innes came. The house was mostly empty. Mom and Dad were out at a party, with only Mamoru and the maids present. But that was okay. They liked having the whole place to themselves. But Innes had been acting odd for a few days, so Ellie decided to finally ask what was wrong.
Innes evaded the question. She tried to not answer it. But finally, she caved. She hated lying to her best friend, after all. “I... had my first kiss,” she confessed, her freckled cheeks flushing as bright as her hair. “With... with a girl. But it... didn’t feel the same... like when I kissed you.”
Ellie was confused. That wasn’t how it worked. They had just bee practicing. For boys. It was true she had felt... something during those times. Innes was her best friend. She couldn’t possibly have feelings for her. But Innes continued on, confessing her feelings to Ellie, admitting that she had had a crush on her for years now. That she thought she liked both boys and girls. That she wanted to do more than kiss.
Ellie had to admit, the thought of kissing girls... of doing other things with girls, was more appealing than guys. She had gotten enough dick pics to be sure she was absolutely repulsed by male anatomy. And Innes... meant a lot to her. Maybe her feelings weren’t platonic like she thought. It was true that she might have enjoyed their kissing practice too much—that she might have put in more effort than necessary. But if Elysia Pendragon was one thing, she was impulsive. And so she kissed Innes.
Neither girl really knew what they were doing. They had read things about how sex between girls worked, but actually doing it was another thing entirely. It was awkward. It hurt a little. But Ellie didn’t really care about that. Making love to Innes felt right, answered all the questions she had been avoiding about herself, and she knew then she liked girls, and only girls. They decided to date, but kept it a secret, afraid of coming out to their families.
Then Dad died.
It was horrible. In the blink of an eye, her entire life crumbled. The months went by in a blur. Uncle Basile stayed to help Mom with Clarisse and manage the household. Ellie cried herself to sleep many nights. Mom was distant. Clarisse didn’t fully grasp what had happened. Ellie grew distant to her girlfriend and friends. They tried to be supportive, but she didn’t make it easy.
One day, shortly after her fourteenth birthday, she was working on homework but struggling with it. Math was not her strong point. So Ellie sought out her uncle for help. He agreed to help, and sat down to work on her homework with her. All was fine... until he touched her. It was innocent enough at first—a hand resting on her knee. But then he slid his hand up her thigh, underneath her skirt. It shocked Ellie, scared her even, but what could she do?
And it only escalated from there.
It started late one night. Ellie had wanted to sleep over at Serena’s, but Mom refused and ordered her home, leading to an argument. She reluctantly came home, to be greeted by her uncle, who claimed Mom had already headed to bed. When she tried to walk by him, he grabbed her by the wrist. She tried to pull herself free, but he was too strong. He was too strong.
It happened almost every night after that. Eventually, she stopped fighting it. She tried to enjoy it. Everything about it felt wrong. It was everything she had read about. But she was powerless. She tried to tell her mother, but she was called a liar. She accepted it after that. And she grew addicted to his love, his sweet whispers of promise. She needed him, as much as he needed her. They were in love, weren’t they? She was what he wanted—she was sexy. This was what love was supposed to be, not the falsehood she had with Innes.
She broke up with Innes, completely cutting off ties with her old friends.
Ellie turned 15. She met Charlotte. The other girl didn’t seem so bad. Perhaps it would be nice to have a friend in school again.
But then... her period was late. Terrified, she asked Charlotte to go with her to buy a pregnancy test. Charlotte spent the night at the mansion, too. She took the test, and it came back positive.
Ellie hadn’t been this scared in years. What was she supposed to do? She couldn’t have his baby. It was... wrong. So very wrong. How wrong it was didn’t truly sink in until that moment. Basile was her uncle, her father’s brother. How could he love her? How could she love him? In that way? How could any of that be true? After everything he had done to her, the nights of pain, taking advantage of her grief.
She hated herself. She hated her body. She hated everything. She had to escape. She couldn’t live like this anymore. Mom and Clarisse would be better off without her, wouldn’t they? She had only ever caused them trouble.
They made a plan. First, they would go the Plan Parenthood for Ellie to get an abortion, to free herself. And then they would run. Oh, they would run. And they would never come back.
When Red was young, she was interested in acting because of her mother’s career and her own personal experiences on filming sets. She eventually asked her parents what plays she should read, because she was intrigued by all of that. Naturally, her father told her she should start with the classics. You’d think a seven year old would have a hard time reading Shakespeare, but Red proved to be a lot smarter than her parents realized and was able to catch on fast when they taught her what all that old English meant.
