201 level healthy relationship (meaning ALL kinds) lessons I've had to learn the hard way:
It's not always the loudest, angriest person in a dynamic who is the biggest contributor to relationship issues. Sometimes the anger is highlighting another toxic pattern someone else is contributing, and a "breaking point" has been reached that any reasonable person would have felt.
Anger (in the absence of harm done to others) isn't a "bad" emotion.
Codependency can be present in ANY relationship dynamic, not just dating/romantic.
Being willing to engage in productive conflict means you actually really care about that relationship. An absence of conflict is not necessarily a sign of a healthy relationship.
When you assert and someone violates your boundaries, holding them accountable looks like removing yourself from further exposure to their harms. This DOES mean you are putting yourself into some major fomo feelings when a whole friend group dynamic is at play.
The socially unhealthiest person in a group may be the one that others flock toward. It doesn't matter how someone treats others or how they are viewed by others. You have a right to your own perspective of them, and it may save you a lot of heartache to trust your own gut. No one from the outside really knows what YOUR relationship is like w/ another person.
Relatedly: you don't have to "like" people everyone else seems to. Being not someone's cup of tea isn't a crime.
No matter how kind, open and honest you try to be, some people are not capable of participating in healthy, productive conflict. It's not you, it's them.
Someone can be the one to horribly hurt you AND be the one who ultimately ends the relationship. This may leave you with a very specific kind of sting for a long time. Instead of focusing on the resentment, try to focus on gratitude that they ended up OUT of your life. It's for the best.
Unspoken upset often festers into resentment.
Friendships can end w/o a huge break up. Many relationships, even friendships, are only meaningful for a season of your life. You can have "commemorative friendships" where you still love someone from afar but know it can be now what it was like then anymore.
I don't believe in the old "if you can't love yourself how the hell can you love anyone else" nonsense but I DO deeply believe that cultivating radical self love and practicing self-compassion WILL make you better at ensuring that you aren't lost in your relationships and you know what YOU want.
This one's for my autistic sibs, if you are extremely sincere, genuine, and truthful in orientation you cannot assume others are the same. People lie...conceal real feelings...hide their upsets...talk shit. No matter how much we were told we should "treat others the way you want to be treated," it isn't a mentality shared by all.
No one will have your back as effectively as YOU will have your back.
Similarly, no matter how much you want someone to heal, grow, or change, you can't make them. Thinking you can will leave you empty.
A lot of people flat out have no interest in having healthy relationships or taking care of their mental health. As relationships are my truest special interest this upsets and disturbs me, but after 40 years navigating the world, I'd say about 40-50% of people truly have NO interest in "working" on this.
It is great to give others space to apologize and change and offer reasonable "chances" AND you don't owe someone X number of times fucking up before you move away from the relationship with them. There's no one enforcing a "3 strikes and your out" rule. If someone lies to you, violates your boundaries, is duplicitous, my experience reveals that they will likely remain that way, despite apologies and claims to the contrary.
Going no contact is not "hateful." It's often protective. But you can't control how others around you will interact with that person.
