#religous ocd

[asaltysquid]

That feeling when your OCD has been debilitating bad for two months and your loop today has been "God's going to strip you of everything that has ever mattered to you, stop fighting it," and then your therapist cancels lmao.

[lucifers-divine-light]

I wish being exposed to religion itself, in my case Christianity, was taken more seriously as a legitimate trauma by those who weren’t really exposed or are not a naturally sensitive kid. I had a natural disadvantage because I was born with autism and lived my life stuck in a small conservative christian town. The concept of Hell, images of Christ suffering on the cross, Noah’s flood, God sending the plagues to kill the Egyptians, Abraham almost sacrificing his son, were concepts I was familiar with in early elementary.

Don’t get me started on the amount of religious students conversations and passing around their tracts and I vividly remember getting one for the first time and my stomach dropping at the mention of Hell, again. That particular moment was in third grade. Another moment in third grade, was being invited to a summer camp church thing for a few days. This is where (I know it isn’t possible but it’s a memory burned into me in my core) I feel like my religous ocd started. It’s because it was when the pastor was describing Jesus judgement and his description of eyes Jesus burning a flame, with a forked tongue, and how he’d spit me out of his mouth if I didn’t obey him and I’d go to hell. Now I know it was a particular passage from Revelations if I remember correctly?

Obviously, it wasn’t targeted at me because he was preaching. After looking around, I could tell I was the only kid in the room who wanted to have a panic attack. It really didn’t help that I didn’t have the greatest home life so I think living in a home with a parent that used fear to raise you, is partially why I ended up being so damn scared of something that wasn’t real.

Yeah, I was taught about love and forgiveness too but I got older and read the Bible. It so hypocritical in its text and it condemns you more than it preaches about love. There are so many issues about the Bible and God as a character, no wonder why it terrifying.

[ocd--culture--is]

autistic+ocd culture is switching between "im hyperfixed with religion! /pos" and "im hyperfixed with religion /neg"

[asaltysquid]

Found out yesterday that my religious OCD is so bad and insane that it jump started my boyfriends creative spark to write a sci-fi/horror novel about Christianity/afterlife inspired by studying me with a big magnifying glass like I'm a bug.

And that's kind of beautiful I think.

By the way, this conversation was sparked by me crying about being physically unable to trust the sensation of happiness, because to feel good and happy is to be led astray by the devil because my parents beat into me that truth and righteousness is only achieved through sacrificing your joy and enduring pain. If something feels good or makes you feel joy it will always be short lived and you can only achieve peace through struggle. Here's the fun part. I'm not even fucking Christian anymore. But I was so abused as a kid and my OCD is so bad that I am constantly plagued with 24/7 existentialism about myself and the people around me because what if my parents are secretly right and it's only a matter of time till my life comes undone?

Anyhow fuck Christianity and here's to hoping if I have to be non denominational God's mentally sickest boy, it's so my partner can write a most excellent novel.

[lucifers-divine-light]

Reflection: Christ as an Abuse Victim

(In addition to brief mentions of my own personal experiences)

I often find myself thinking about Jesus Christ and how he’s technically a victim of abuse. The abuser being God, of course. Excluding the complicated identity of the holy trinity, Christ was born to suffer and then die. One thing that has never left my mind is the absolute horror of how the gospels describe Christ’s sacrafice. He was forced to go through trials and temptation for 40 days in the desert and then, with great fear, endured a painful death.

The most terrifying part-I forget which specific gospel describes this-is the description of God’s wrath. God was happy and satisfied that he could beat the shit out of his own son and release his anger out on him until he died. What a great a father!/s That specific description of God’s wrath was one of the main motivators that kept me stuck in my religious ocd loop. Furthermore, it was exacerbated by my own personal experience as I know what it’s like to endure abuse from both my parents but more so, specifically my own angry father.

The cherry on top, is how the bible paints Christ’s death as your fault. Not just his death, technically, everything is humanity’s fault and from birth, we are born sinful and repulsive to our “creator”. So, in technicality, the children of god are made responsible for our “father’s” emotions/mood. It directs accountability in the wrong direction and the victim of abuse is to blame instead of the abuser.

Additionally, a false positive mask/front is put on. In this case, the bible paints God is this all loving and all good father. In mine and many others experiences, abusers like to uphold a positive perception that everything is great between them and their victim. Yet behind closed doors is when the abuser’s true colors are shown. The victim is burdened with upholding a false positive image. If they ask for help, more abuse ensues and the abuser goes out of their way to blame the victim for tainting the false positive image. It’s why Christian’s are so adamant about God being “all loving”. The bible teaches us that it’s our fault and any potential negative trait of God is something you’ll be punished for if that false positive image is broken. In this case, God will hypothetically punish you and/or Christian’s will give you shit for not holding their God’s positive image.

[lucifers-divine-light]

You know my religious issues don’t deserve to be considered traumatic when compared to other people who have gone through actual religiously traumatic shit. In my case, the only reason I managed to become an extreme christian was because I had untreated mental illness/disability and was overall, just a dumb kid scared of hell and demons. I know my unstable childhood played a partial factor but at least my parents tried their hardest to convince me that I wasn’t going to hell. I’ve recently been thinking about just how dumb it is, that just learning about hell and demons at an early age somehow managed to come back to haunt me as a I grew a little older and became part of my ocd. The only “traumatic” part about it all, was the absolute terror I was in and the fact that I probably won’t ever fully recover from certain religous aspects that pop up when my ocd gets aggravated.

[parker0003]

Saw this trend on TikTok