tw: past emotional abuse mentioned, cheating, etc. all that kinda stuff, emotional breakdowns, dissociation x 2
word count: 2.8k
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music: norman fucking rockwell x 10
all renjun wants is a spark. he wants fireworks to go off when he kisses someone. he wants to open his eyes after and see unadulterated fondness directed back at him. and all he gets is jisung.
jisung’s complicated. no matter how close they are, he’s a million miles away. he’s inconsiderate, detached, a certified deadbeat in the works. but, sometimes he’s so warm. sometimes, he’ll know just what to say, just where to touch, just what to do to make renjun feel wanted. it’ll grab him by the heart strings and pull him along and he can’t help but willing chase after fleeting moments of hope.
love hasn’t been very kind and yet he falls head first too quickly and too strongly without heeding the cautions of unreciprocity. he’s strung along because he cares and he listens and he loves and people like to use and drain and discard. but despite everything, he knows the love he’s looking for is out there. so he still holds hope that some of that love will be directed at him .
just recently, jeno had told him that the first time they kissed mark, marks heart raced so fast he had to sit down on the floor to catch his breath. he got so embarrassed his whole body was hot to the touch and he refused to look at jeno for the rest of the night in the fear he would die of infatuation.
renjun longs for that. he wants someone to love him so much they start to deteriorate physiologically. or maybe just a skip of a heartbeat, he’ll take any amount, he’s never been very picky.
at the moment, his mental ‘love me’ messages are on overdrive. he’s firing them in every direction but somehow they’re managing to swerve around the boy who’s tongue is down his throat.
he’s in jisung’s bed, the comforter tossed messily to the side, jisungs hands running down his body, and he feels gross. he doesn’t want to be here, he doesn’t want to do this. he knows he can just get up and leave any time he wants to but he also doesn’t exactly want it to stop.
it started off good. jisung was more attentive than usual, probably due to the outburst earlier. he wanted to believe it was because he cares but he knew it was just a strategy to avoid talking through any kind of emotional baggage.
the buzz of jisungs phone rings in his ears and he can’t get past the brutal irony that it’s the same as his ex’s. jisung pulls a hand away and renjun watches as he puts in his passcode to unlock his phone for the nth time that night. jisung smiles in a way he’s never smiled at renjun as he types back a response and renjun feels sick. the night started off so well but now he just wants to shower and wash this day off.
“who are you talking to?” renjun asks as nonchalant as he can manage.
“hmm?” jisung bites his bottom lip trying to suppress his smile as he answers, “it’s no one. don’t worry about it.”
alarm bells ring in renjuns head he can hear those exact words in an all to familiar tone “it’s no one.” “you sound crazy.” “stop over reacting.”
jisung drops his phone face down back on the bed and leans back in to kiss renjun. renjun cant even close his eyes, feeling a daze over take him. jisungs phone buzzes once, then twice.
renjuns chest squeezes, he can’t breathe, it hurts, it hurts so bad. he needs this over.
“stop,” renjun mumbles against jisungs lips and when he doesn’t get an immediate reaction he pushes against jisungs chest weakly.
“stop,” he says louder, his breath heavy and uneven. jisung pulls back with a look mixed with concern and confusion.
“you okay?” jisung asks and renjun flops flat on his back so he doesn’t have to look him in the eyes.
“yeah i-“ his voice cracks and he clears his throat, “no. sorry, i just needed to stop.”
“that’s okay,” jisung hums softly like he cares but the continuous buzz of his phone keeps renjun from believing that, “don’t apologize, do you want to talk about it?”
“i just- i don’t know- i feel lightheaded,” renjun says, it’s only partially a lie. he can’t tell the full truth without sounding possessive and crazy, “is it okay if we don’t do anything else tonight?
“yes, of course it is. whatever you want,” jisung answers immediately and moves further away from renjun on the bed, reaching down to the ground to pick up his shirt and pull it over his head, “do you want me to go get you some water? it might help.”
“yes please,” renjun answers, hoping he’s able to sneak in a quick few tears without jisung noticing.
he takes a few deep breathes once jisung leaves the room and stares at the door. he wants to leave but at the same time he doesn’t and it’s all so fucking confusing.
jisungs phone lays face down on the bed beside him. always, always, face down. it annoys the hell of renjun, it’s like a reminder that something is being hidden from him.
he can’t get the picture of a phone being slammed down as soon as he enters a room out of his head. the overtly suspicious “you’re home early”’s. the roll over in bed to grab at a phone as soon as renjun closed his eyes to sleep.
“it’s no one renjun, you’re being crazy,” he can practically hear, his ex’s annoyance pictured behind his eyelids everytime he blinked. “he’s no one, can you even hear yourself right now? do i ever comment on your friendship with chenle? when you’re literally letting him live with you. am i not allowed to have friends now?”
renjun wants to scream, he needs these thoughts out of his head, he needs to stop reliving the same memories over and over again. he needs to see what jisung was laughing about on his phone.
he picks it up and stares at the lock screen that lights up as soon as it registers his face. if he does this, there’s no going back, he’ll be the crazy one again. he’ll be the problem. the phone buzzes with a text notification. renjun takes a deep breath and swipes.
he puts in the passcode he watched jisung use earlier, ‘66666666’. the passcode alone messes with renjuns head, sending too many mixed messages. the length was suspicious but the string of repeating numbers made it seem like he had nothing to hide, or maybe he was just an idiot.
it doesn’t take renjun very long to find exactly what he didn’t want to see.
‘we’re in this together,” fucking bullshit. he feels like an idiot for falling for any of it. it’s embarrassing the way his hands shake and his vision blurs with tears over something that had been so obvious.
renjun takes a deep breath. he wants to smash the screen of the phone on the corner of jisungs bed side table, his knuckles turn white with restraint. he can’t do that. then he’d be the crazy one again, then he’d be the problem. too overbearing, too emotional, too needy, too invasive.
‘jesus fucking christ you’re so fucking needy, do you know how exhausting it is to be with you?’
his chest feels heavy but he can’t stop scrolling through conversations that make him sick to his stomach.
‘i wouldn’t do that to you. you think so little of me. i don’t get it, if i’m so fucking horrible why are you even still here?’
‘you sound so insane right now. genuinely, i think you need to get some help. i’m worried about you.’
‘baby come on you know i love you.”
renjun squeezes his eyes shut, attempting to pull himself out of his head not wanting to spiral back to rock bottom.
‘let it go, holy shit. no wonder you only have one friend who doesn’t even talk to you anymore.’
‘i didn’t mean it. i forgot how sensitive you are.’
‘stop crying, you’re so manipulative.’
‘if you actually believe that, it’s over, for good.’
‘i love you.’
‘you’re actually insane.’
‘what are you doing? is that my phone?’
“is that my phone?”
renjun snaps back into reality. jisung’s standing in the doorway looking confused, a glass of water in one hand and a pack of scooby doo gummies from jeno’s secret supply in the other.
he freezes like a deer in headlights, dropping jisungs phone into his lap. he opens his mouth to explain but he doesn’t make a sound, every word gets caught in his throat and comes out in a pathetic whimper.
“what the fuck?” jisung laughs awkwardly, “that’s like really not cool man.”
jisung enters the room and every step closer leaves renjun shaking with uncertainty.
“i was- i- you-“ he tries. he wants to diffuse this, it’s been a while since he’s felt this unsafe. it’s a carnal fear that leaves him seconds away from puking his guts out onto the floor as he’s viciously torn into by teeth that have an intention to kill.
jisung places the glass of water and pack of gummies on the bed side table and grabs his phone. he looks disgusted but harmless and somehow that makes renjun feel a whole different kind of bad. he’s the gross one, he’s the one in the wrong, he’s the crazy one.
“you were texting and i- you’re seeing other people.” renjuns teeth chatter with the accusation.
“so?”
oh. that one was new.
‘so.’ renjun blinks.
jisungs single word pushes along the gears in his mind until it gets caught between the cogs sending everything up in smoke.
so?
so.
‘so,’ renjun mouths the word to himself and stares back and jisung with hollow eyes.
“this is so fucked up,” jisung sighs, sounding almost sad, which at the moment made absolutely no sense to renjuns malfunctioning mind, “renjun, this is fucked.”
he feels like a child being scolded, shaking and crying while being stood over by someone completely unaffected.
“i’m trying really hard not to freak right now, jesus fucking christ,” jisungs never been meticulous with his words, they’re never thought out or practiced, a stark difference from his ex but it still all feels so sickeningly similar.
“i just-“ renjun cracks, and then stops, he just what? what could possibly keep him from getting ‘broken up’ with?
jisungs waiting for him to finish but he doesn’t know how to- he doesn’t even know why he started in the first place.
“i thought i was clear,” jisung frowns, “i thought we were on the same page.”
‘HOW?’ renjun wants to yell. he doesn’t. he can’t. ‘how can you be that emotionally inept?’
he’s been practically screaming on the top of his lungs how in love he was, how much he wanted this. how could he have been so misunderstood?
“you’re not my boyfriend.” jisung stabs the dagger in, renjun should have been prepared, he had months to prepare for this but it still winds him. “you know that right? i thought i made that clear. i thought-“
jisung goes silent for a second and renjun watches the paced out rise and fall of his chest, “man- i’m trying not to shut down.”
renjun doesn’t understand why his voice sounds so strained but he can tell that he hurt him. and it’s unfair. because why does he get to hurt? why does he get to be upset when he doesn’t even care?
“okay,” jisung breathes out and looks at him with cold eyes, “i want to make this clear. we are not dating. you are not my boyfriend. you will never be my boyfriend. do you understand that?”
renjun nods his head pretending the rejection doesn’t hurt like a vat of ice water being dropped on his head.
“and you cant just go through my phone. what the fuck? even if you were my bo- no actually we’re not even making it a hypothetical because it’s not going to fucking happen. ever.” jisung was staring daggers into his eyes and all he could do was blink and try not to crumble in on himself, “don’t fucking do shit like that. god. this is so fucking fucked.”
“did you-“ renjuns voice is barely about a whisper and cracks so viciously it hurts, “did you not like me at all? even a little bit?”
“no. jesus fuck- no.” he doesn’t even hesitate to answer, “and even if i did- which i don’t- that doesn’t give you the right-“
“god jisung,” renjun struggles, wiping tears away with the back of his hand, “you’re such an asshole.”
renjun hates how angry he feels, he hates how it’s bubbling up inside of him making him feel out of control. the emotional soup in his head make it hard to keep a hold of himself and his temper but he can’t yell then he’s the irrational one. then he’s crazy for being hurt, then it’s all his fault.
“i’m an asshole?” he’s so icy now and it terrifies renjun that he’s been locked out, probably for good this time, “i didn’t do anything wrong.”
jisung speaks like he’s trying to reassure himself, like renjun isn’t even there, “i made it clear what we were. i did nothing-“
“i’m- man- can you-“ jisung takes a couple breaths, trying not to fade away, “get out. i don’t want to do this right now, just get out.”
that shatters all the anger in renjun. he’s back to utter terror, he can’t leave. he can’t. he needs to fix this, he needs to do something.
he knows once he leaves this is over. he’ll be hated, he’ll be crazy, he’ll be just another story to laugh at with friends.
“please,” renjun whispers, “i’m sorry, can we please just talk about this, please.”
“there’s nothing to talk about.”
“no please there is. i get it. i understand. there’s nothing between us! i can be okay with that, i promise. please don’t make me leave. we can fix this.” he pushes himself up to his knees and grabs at jisungs wrists as he begs.
jisung looks down at his hands, he doesn’t pull away, he doesn’t do anything.
“please,” renjun knows he’s probably yelling now, his words barely comprehensible, just the sounds of agony and panic, “don’t do this. i’ll be better, i’ll change, i’ll do whatever you say, i promise, i promise, i promise please-“
his begging ends in a hiccup and he has to stop everything in an attempt to not vomit.
jisung sighs and shakes renjuns hold off, it was so tight it left red imprints.
“hey,” he says softly, and places a hand on renjuns head, stroking his hair gently, “you should have just told me.”
he hates this so much, he hates that he’s so pathetic jisung has to take pity on him, and he can’t help but sob harder.
“when you started to catch feelings and it got too hard for you, you should have told me and we could have called it off early,” jisung removes his hand and renjun already misses it.
“please,” is all he can muster.
jisung pushes the glass of water closer to him, “take some time to calm yourself down, drink some water,” he instructs and renjun nods, taking the glass from the nightstand. his hands shake so vigorously some of the water finds its way onto the bed and floor.
“i’ll leave you alone for a bit to calm down and then i’d like for you to leave,” jisung turns his back on him for what feels like the last time and walks towards the door, not even sparing a glance back as he starts to close it, “and try not to snoop through anything else on your way out, if that’s possible.”
the door clicks shut and renjun breaks down, worse than he has in over a year. he feels all of the progress he’s made recovering from his ex crumbling down. it hurts so fucking bad, all over, it’s an unavoidable pain he couldn’t even hide from.
he sits there and he cries, he wails, his cheeks are streaked in red and snot drips down to his lips. he knows he looks disgusting but he feels disgusting so he doesn’t make a move to fix it. it’s all guttural and too dramatic for a boy he isn’t even dating, but he can’t help it and he cant shut of the alarm bells in his mind telling him his life was over.
“please,” he cries out, to no one. his limbs feel numb and he hears a smash of a glass on the ground, he hadn’t even noticed he dropped it.
“please,” he whispers again, and curls himself into a ball.
