#repressed thoughts

[sojourn-rabbit]

Okay having thoughts and sorry I scream them out better here. Something about screaming into the Tumblr void helps me process somehow. 

I wonder how much of my fixation on low-key dark fiction is like...rooted in just how much of my life is just...neglect. Like, I've met so many people with like shitty parents but I've also heard so much sentiment of like "but I know they love me, though". And like. I have never believed that. I spent my childhood knowing that my mother would absolutely love to not have to deal with me ever again. The only reason she is actually helping me physically now is because A. I learned how to shut the fuck up and B. Religious obligation telling her she has to love me because I'm family. But like- if I just disappeared? I've always known she'd be genuinely relieved, after the shock wore off. She barely wanted my siblings- she definitely has never wanted me. And my siblings can function. I don't even know everything that's wrong with me.

So like- feeling like that, knowing I have never really been wanted by even family like...is that the appeal? Is that why my brain is wired this way? The idea of someone wanting you enough to technically be willing to do fucked up shit because of it has literally been appealing to me for as long as I can remember, to be honest, and I've just kinda embraced that, but I'm starting to realize it may be because like, yeah, I've never felt really wanted by anyone- even people I've been with. Hell, it's what I broke up with my ex over because he was the worst offender of making me feel unwanted since my mom. So what- my brain is just hardwired to like...crave overcompensation of that? Never felt desired so the hottest concept is someone wanting me so badly they need to own me?

Anyway. Idk. A part of me feels like I still need to delve into the physcology of kinks to benefit myself in therapy but at the same time like, what am I hoping to accomplish by digging into it anyway? Using logic to get rid of it all? Cause like, I know enough to know that that's not how it works. I've talked about it enough to know that's not how it works. So literally what's the point?

Anyway. If you read this don't judge me too hard. I'm already in therapy, that's kinda the best I can do.

[sohaspeaks]

Do you know what hurts most about a big loss?

Not that they’re gone and the pain in your chest hurts more

But the hole they left is too big to ignore

The time in the day too long to think less

And the time we spent too much to ignore

So what’s left, is a hot mess with plenty regret and lots of stress

And I guess I write to destress and repress

How I wish to be blessed in your presence

That I’m in love with your cadence

How much I miss your fragrance

And your very essence

Most importantly

How I wish to cook you breakfast

My deepest desire

You

My only desire

I miss you.

———

Repressed Thoughts

- soha.

[sojourn-rabbit]

Very homophobic that it's pride month and I'm not napping on the floor in front of someone's feet leashed so I can't even go farther away if I wanted to. Smh.

[sojourn-rabbit]

Thinking about having your stuff picked out for you. 👉👈

Having your collar picked out for you, being told what to wear, what to eat. 👉👈

Not having to think about any of it cause your job is just to be cute and happy and do what you're told. 👉👈

[magicallunarthing-blog]

I found

     Inside a castle-

Walls confusing - constantly looking back at the paper map in my palm

Checking and reanalyzing the clues

Did I miss one? I need to go back.

Back a day. Or was it three was when it was dropped?

            I should leave.

But my need to know pushed onwards looking.

Looking for something. Anything.

Some halls and rooms were lit. Lightly colored,

Others the heavy blanket of grey and black coated like fog.

Persistence was my light, and with it, I move forward. 

     The pen and paper with me hold the found clues as to move forward.

I must keep it secret for now- the cameras mustn’t see.

The last thing I need is to be trapped with nowhere to go but out.

   Gathering and gathering, in hopes, to find just what?

    Moving and reading and thinking and connecting, all an exhaustion

To mind and body.

        I found a door. It was locked with a code, but it wasn’t guarded in the slightest.

    I found the notes. Littered everywhere with pen on paper,

Your words final, with no second thought.

    I found pictures - Of us, of your family, of friends, of acquaintances

With not a thing in any order.

   Shifting through more clues - I’d have to have it written down.

Lines formed with each hint.

Some on their own.

       With stress wearing down on mind and heart, 

The room is turned upside down.

       I found a key.

Key in clutched hand, the halls are filled with gasps of breath

Running in every space available - finding a door of bars. 

       It was in light colors

The room inside was different.

The feeling of dread hanging thick.

      I found a friend.

Arms limply holding their knees to their chest.

Head looking down in a thoughtless stare.

    I found a shell 

With meaning to live, they’ve forgotten.

With arms pulling them close, sobs sound

With the pained thoughts and feelings that spill from their mouth-

     I found a heart...

                                                                                                                    ~Magical L. ( 2/22/2018 )

[cheaphalloweencostume]

BRYAN CRANSTON WAS KIND OF A CUTE DAD WHILE IN MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE

SOMEONE HAD TO SAY IT

[maddie-manifesto]

Thoughts I have to repress.

I like to sniff in your general direction because you usually smell very good.

[mermaidfantasea]

Lol, High School.

Isn't it weird how things can change to something positive in like a week, or even a few days; even SECONDS.

And then everything goes back down and you feel like shit and then it goes back up and you're so happy with your progress and the atmosphere surrounding the people you associate yourself with and just the aurora of a genuine, embracing vibe.

According to how the ridiculous high school conception (which I will always disagree with in all diversities, specifically social on this topic) was constructed, things can change in a matter of minutes, in a matter of a conversation, in a matter of a single word. Somebody mentions some standard of negativity through one sentence and they've completely ruined your day, and left you with your emotionally crippled internal being.. In a matter of seconds. Then, in a matter of days or even minutes, things go back to the previous vibes.

Everything is such a roller coaster and I'm just so confused. I'm tired of the surrounding changing in a bipolar, clock-like routine and I'm sick of being depressed and then immediately changing to a bursting expression of happiness.

All I want is hugs and ice cream and good sex urgh, life is stupid.