NASHVILLE, TN — In a move that has already triggered global economic tremors, pop superstar Taylor Swift announced her latest album “Reputation: The Revenge of the Swifties” will be released exclusively through her own cryptocurrency, SwiftCoin, causing worldwide panic and the spontaneous formation of underground Swift-based economies. “This isn’t just an album, it’s a financial revolution,” said Dr. Eleanor Matthews, head of the newly established Department of Swiftonomics at Harvard Business School. “We’re seeing entire nations restructuring their GDP around projected Swift streams.” The album, described by Swift’s team as “however long it takes to destroy my enemies,” requires listeners […]
NASHVILLE, TN — In a move that has already triggered global economic tremors, pop superstar Taylor Swift announced her latest album "Reputation: The Revenge of the Swifties" will be released exclusively through her own cryptocurrency, SwiftCoin, causing worldwide panic and the spontaneous formation of underground Swift-based economies. "This isn't just an album, it's a financial revolution," said Dr. Eleanor Matthews, head of the newly established Department of Swiftonomics at Harvard Business School. "We're seeing entire nations restructuring their GDP around projected Swift streams." The album, described by Swift's team as "however long it takes to destroy my enemies," requires listeners to solve a series of increasingly complex Easter eggs just to access each track. Early reports suggest the first song can only be unlocked by creating a detailed conspiracy board connecting all of Swift's ex-boyfriends to the illuminati while wearing officially licensed friendship bracelets. Major corporations have already begun adapting to the new Swift-based economy. Amazon CEO Andy Jassy announced the introduction of mandatory "Swift Leave," allowing employees to take unlimited paid time off to decode Taylor's lyrics or camp outside stadiums. "It's either that or lose our entire workforce," Jassy explained while sporting a "Junior Jewels" t-shirt. "The Great Resignation has nothing on the Great Swiftification." The album's announcement has sent shockwaves through various sectors. Dating apps have made "Favorite Taylor Swift Era" a mandatory field, while Spotify has replaced its entire engineering team with a group of teenage Swifties who "just get it." The New York Stock Exchange has begun measuring market performance in friendship bracelets, leading to what analysts call "the most adorable economic collapse in history." Former Swift adversary Scooter Braun was last seen booking a one-way ticket to Mars, muttering something about "she was right about the karma thing." SpaceX reported a sudden surge in booking requests from male celebrities who have dated or might potentially date Swift in the future. The United Nations Security Council convened an emergency session to address the situation, only to end up designating Swifties as a sovereign nation with voting rights. "Their organizational skills and dedication to cryptic Instagram comments make them more qualified than most current member states," explained UN Secretary-General António Guterres, who recently changed his official title to "Anti-Hero in Chief." In perhaps the most stunning revelation, Swift disclosed that she has actually been controlling the global economy since 2014. "Did you really think all those Easter eggs were just for fun?" Swift said in a statement released via interpretive dance. "The entire economic system is just one big bridge leading to an even bigger bridge, followed by a key change." World leaders have unanimously agreed to transfer control of their financial systems to Swift, citing "she literally can't do worse" and "at least the friendship bracelets are pretty." The Federal Reserve has been disbanded and replaced with a council of Swift's cats. Citizens are reminded that resistance is futile and that mandatory friendship bracelet-wearing will be enforced starting midnight. Those who fail to comply will be subjected to "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" on an infinite loop while watching Jake Gyllenhaal's "Bubble Boy" on repeat. At press time, Swift was reportedly working on a deluxe version of the album that would require listeners to solve world peace, end climate change, and explain what really happened in the "All Too Well" short film's third timeline, all while maintaining a perfectly crafted Instagram aesthetic. [Author's Note: This article was written under the supervision of the Department of Swiftie Security and approved by the Committee for Cardigan Integrity.]
