#robin chirps

[theresartinlife]

Would you still love me if I betrayed one person to save a thousand be honest.

[roebeanstalk]

personal stuff under the cut

I'm back in therapy and I've been working on confronting my biggest issues. it is hard. it's going to take time. and I feel messy and vulnerable and rough. but I'm also feeling the tiniest bit better even though not a whole lot has changed.

I've had several traumatic incidents throughout my life and have more work to do with them than I really realized. I constantly feel unsafe and it's often most comfortable to coil up and rest. more than that, it's usually the only thing that I feel like I can do.

I'm working on challenging that...and it's hard. I don't have a super high success rate but it's more than it used to be.

in the moment, it's about affirmations and grounding and pushing through discomfort. in therapy sessions, it's about unpacking the events and how I feel. discovering triggers and core beliefs and especially cognitive distortions. developing healthier techniques.

I'm making sure to keep it extremely simple and small... building a habit is hard, even harder when it's dismantling an automatic habit, and even moreso when there are trauma based reasons for those habits.

I'm finding the smallest bits of hope and feeling the tiniest bit more comfortable in my day to day. that already feels like a lot. like, I'm already scared of losing just this tiny bit of progress.

in the past I'd go ham on habits. but it leads to burnout so, so fast.

ideally I wouldn't have to worry about money in this situation...I could just really focus on me. everything kinda goes out the window when I have to pull money in to cover expenses.

asking for donations and taking commissions both activate my fight or flight. so I usually wind up unable to do essentially anything while I'm doing that. these past couple of weeks have been different...while I haven't been able to do as much as I'd like, I've been doing more than I've ever been able to. little moments where I can work on a commission and get the progress sent out. responding to client emails even when I don't have an update.

I have a LOT to do still. the backlog is backlogging. I'm chipping at it slowly - and maybe in the future I can ramp that up a bit more.

it's really hard managing a backlog, covering current expenses, and handling all of my maladaptive behavior. I have so much shame around every aspect of myself. and I am so, so concerned with what others think of me that it stops me from doing what I think is right or even what that hypothetical person might think is right.

but I'm working at it, hard as I can. keeping committed to it. small steps. learning when to stop, when there's enough to handle.

as I figure this out I'm starting to feel more comfortable... I've been pulling old pieces out of my backlog as I finish things up. trying to keep 3-5 pieces on my radar at a time. I feel awful about it, but I basically have to put just about everything else out of my head while working on my plate.

I still haven't pulled the trigger on my disability application... but it's gonna happen soon. even if I get denied, an appeal gets denied, and I can't get a lawyer or I do and they can't get me approved... I at the very least want to be another person struggling with mental health that is trying to get it together. I keep getting scared out of doing it, but it's gotta happen soon. again, worst they can do is tell me no.

in the meantime... I want to be able to be comfortable taking new work. I consulted a friend on prices for the sketch commissions I opened for. I wanted to charge a third of what they said. I undervalue myself due to my past/semi-present habits as well as desperation... but this time I went with what my friend recommended. it was hard. and yeah, the commissions are very slow coming in. but that makes sense, I've been very vocal about struggling to get work done, still owe people art, etc. and people talk. but charging what I'm worth is the first step I have to take if I'm going to keep taking commissions. the lowball prices mean having more pieces to manage, less time, and admittedly oftentimes clients who don't necessarily value the art at what it's worth. that's all on me.

im so scared all the time. but I'm trying to make decisions that are more sustainable for me...

I really struggle to communicate because I want to explain all of this so hard. I cannot fathom the amount of time that has passed since some commissions I've taken. the amount of time and joy I've stolen from myself by being terrified and hiding... it's so big. so so big. and I know trauma isn't my fault. but behaviors born out of PTSD are still my responsibility. and I'm grateful and proud to be around still and figuring it out.

this is not to mention my tarot stickers I completely and utterly dropped the ball on. all for the same reasons - fear based decisions that resulted in more fear and hiding.

it's a massive pattern that has only gotten worse and worse. my isolation this past year has been the worst it's ever been. literally life threatening and unsafe.

I'm so glad to be working on it and also so, so exhausted. and I will continue.

[sebastiansjournal]

An ode to Ikémen Vampire

Okay, wow, how to begin...

First of all: I'm back? I haven't been on my Ikémen tumblr in years. Life came between, I got locked out because of a password reset, time flew by... and today I finally managed to solve the password issue and came crawling back. Only to run into the devastating news of IkeVamps fate.

I've been playing the game for a bit more than five years. Since early June 2020, right after the pandemic hit, me and one of my best friends found the game and started playing it together. We couldn't meet, so every day we'd call and read the routes out loud to each other. One chapter a day, without fail. And since the day I downloaded the game there hasn't gone even a month that I haven't opened the app up. Almost daily, it's been part of my life. And now the updates are just going to. Stop.

And in my mind, the worst of all is that I never got the notification in the game but rather found out today, here, just as I had regained my tumblr dedicated to the game. The irony of fate, life's mockery and all that, I guess.

I know this shouldn't come as a surprise. The in-game engagement has been dwindling for years now; from having to crunch and calculate to place in events it's now enough to merely open the game. Barely 3 000 active players on an international server isn't a lot - and yet I never imagined they'd pull the plug.

Of course, I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying put. But the knife is still being twisted in my heart.

It may sound dramatic and hyperbolic, and in part it is, but an equal part is genuine grief. Ikémen Vampire has been a part of my life for so long - so much time spent excitedly awaiting new routes, playing the events, writing fanfics, attempting to solve the historical inaccuracies and analysing the characters...

Anyway. I dont know where I'm going with this. But I wanted - needed - to get this off my chest.

So: here's to mourn Ikémen Vampire, and here's to the continued fan-life of the game.

[sheilatakeatakeabow]

Okay not to get too personal on Tumblr (especially in my first post) buttttttt

I've been in Robin Hoods Bay these past few days and 4 years and a few months ago now me and my family also took a trip to robin hoods bay. I was sceptical and a bit moody on that first day but I ended up LOVING. But it was also a very formative trip for me because it's where I first read heart stopper lol.

I already new I was queer, I was realising some of the specifics, and I was fine with it all, but reading heart stopper on tapas during the car ride home and spending the holiday learning about their characters and the relationships and the queerness of it all just made me feel really happy and seen. Little year 7 me was so content on that holiday, and so comfortable with herself and just so ecstatic to be queer.

And although I haven't really read the comics in multiple years and havent really watched the show since season 3 came out, heart stopper still has a place in my heart for being one of the kind of building blocks if you will of my queer experience and something that made me so overjoyed to be gay. It may be cheesy but it makes me emotional and it makes me happy and I love it all the same.

So, now that I'm back, I've been rereading everything. Of course, most of it I remembered but a lot of it I only had vague recollections of and most of chapter 7/all of chapter 8 I'd never even touched so there was still a lot of new content. It's been a good thing for me to just wind down and relax with and it has been really enjoyable. I've gotten surprisingly emotional lol and just super thankful.

And it's fucking crazy because it's just... ending. Something that helped so much with my development, something I loved so much, something I still love, will just end. Like that. I'm glad I've not missed the final update (I was scared the April 1 one was the last but we get an epilogue!!!) but even still it's so crazy to me that it's ending. Id be lying if I said I didnt have a bit of a blob reading the last update of chapter 8.

So basically what I'm saying is thankyou to @aliceoseman (who will definitely never see this lol) and thankyou to heart stopper. I can't wait to watch the film, I can't wait for the epilogue, and I can't wait to see where my life goes after this. Thankyou for letting me be happy (and gay), I will miss it :)

[an-actual-birb]

I'm not dead guys, although I have gotten really good at imitating an animated corpse

[robinpixels]

finally got around to fixing the prices and categories and sprucing up my previous comm sheet!! took me a long time to get back to it 'cuz I've been adapting to my irl job but since I've hit a stride and have also finished my previous pending comms, I can afford to open 'em and deliver on a timely schedule!

so, yeah!! thank you for your time!!! <3

[xovera-toz]

I sat in bubble gum

Hot pink bubble gum

...

How is this real

[avtism-remade]

Bro, We Are Autistic . Its Ok To Stim Around Me . Im Ur Best Friend . I Love You . ... Bro, We Are Infodump ing Now . . No Dont Stop Bro .. Bro ...