So loves, I decided to do one of those April fool things where writers and artists would swap skills for a day. Last year. Many thanks to the 3 people who helped me edit the ever living crap out of this @destinyapostasy, @surprisekitty and my bestie that’s not on tumbls. So here it is!
Crap Dice Roles feat. Solavellan!
Varric sighed.
“Maker’s flabby tits, why am I the DM again?” he said under his breath as he ran his hand through his hair. It was another game night at Roi’s place and they were playing the Maker-forsaken tabletop game that was all the rage this year: Inquisition.
It all started when Roi found out that Josie actually had a copy of the game, which was incredibly hard to find with it being backordered for months. Roi had never played a tabletop before and practically begged Varric to be the Dungeon Master so that she could give it a go. Okay, she didn’t really beg. She just went on and on about how amazing his stories were and how amazing the stories he could come up with for the game would be. Varric couldn’t really refuse her after that.
So began the once-a-week game nights where the whole party came together. Cassandra brought the really nice wines and Bull brought some of the strongest booze he could get his hands on. Leliana and Dorian made the crazy good dinners, while Solas made some weird-looking but super tasty desserts. Josie helped Varric set up the table where they were going to eat and Sera always ran late with a pack of beer just as dessert was brought out.
At first, Varric thought it wouldn’t be so bad, to be the Dungeon Master. It was a naive thought on his part--he believed that he would have the chance to plan out some elaborate story with heartbreak and betrayal for all. However, it turned out that being the DM was making sure that the world worked properly and it took up all of his energy and waning sanity.
To put it plainly: it was a disaster.
Disaster on top of disaster and there was nothing he could do about it. Almost everything Varric planned for was pigeon holed by bad decisions made by the group and some rather crap dice rolls. Varric, a little envious of Cass being out sick for this session, sighed once more in despair because this time Sera’s character, a giant named Nicki, wanted to find some, “lady demons to drink demon juice from.” Yes, Sera’s character was a giant and yes, Dorian and Varric tried to explain to Sera that giants weren’t playable characters in Inquisition but that’s a story for another time. Today it was lady demons and demon juice.
“Will you please stop calling it demon juice?” Solas asked, hand sliding down his face as he leaned back into the chair.
“Wot? You prefer demon cum?” Sera shot Solas a mischievous look.
“Demon juice works just fine,” Dorian sullenly mentioned as he rolled his eyes and sipped his beer.
“Cos I can call it demon cum and go-” Sera took a breath, “TO THE WINDOOOWS TO THE WALLS!!” She bounced as she belted out the tune.
“Oh Maker here we go,” sighed Dorian.
Lavellan joined in Sera’s tune, “-TIL THE SWEAT DRIP DOWN MY-”
“Vhenaaaann, nooo.” Solas groaned as he lifted his hand back to his face.
“-AHHHH SKEET SKEET-”
“Okay who gave these two the strong shit? We all know they’re both light weights, especially Roi.” Varric demanded with his arm outstretched in the general direction of the drunken elves. He was 100% done at this point.
“-AHHHH SKEET SKEET-”
“I maaay have given them a shot or four of some of the strongest Antivan liquors I could get my hands on. It’s 120 proof.” Bull said, a shit eating grin on his face.
“How many?? Why would you- Roi gets alcohol poisoning!” Solas shot up from his chair and rushed to the other side where his girlfriend was making a ruckus.
“Oh.” Bull’s grin fell with the new information.
“Well shit.”
“Just once, I’d like to play a game where we get more than TWO MINUTES of in game time to pass. Just once. Maker please, that’s all I ask.” Josie pinched the bridge of her nose as Leliana reached to rub her back and made a few soothing noises.
Leliana turned to Bull, “I think we need a shot for Josie.”
Josie shot Bull a look, “Make it a double.”
“One double coming right up.” Bull happily obliged, he grabbed a massive flask from his belt.
As he twisted the cap off, Leliana gave Josie’s cup to him and he poured two massive fingers of the liquor for her. Bull slid the cup over to Josie. She stared at it for a moment and then stared at Bull. She lifted the cup still keeping eye contact with him, then she opened her throat and tossed it back.
She slammed the cup down and yelled, “ANOTHER!”
“Did you just?” Varric had visible offence on his face, “Oh come on.”
“Varric, we both know this session is over because either Roi or Sera will get really sick or pass out in a few minutes.” Josie said as Leliana and Dorian nodded their heads in agreement. Just as Varric was about to open his mouth in response, they all realized that it was too quiet. They heard laboured breathing on one side of the room. Solas was crouched in front of Roi who was on her ass and producing the noise.
“My lips tingle.” Roi’s eyes were closed, chest heaving, forehead in her hand as she tried to stay upright.
“Do you feel clammy?” Solas put a hand to her forehead.
“Mmh, I don’t feel so hot,” Roi mumbled as she leaned into his touch and ended up slumping onto him.
“Okay, you need to regurgitate that stuff that Bull gave you. Come on, off to the toilet we go. Easy does it.” Solas pulled her up with him as he stood up. He shot Varric an apologetic look and Bull a dark one as he carted his patient to the bathroom.
Varric sighed, “Bull don’t give Roi and Sera that shit again. Wait, where’s Sera?”
They all looked over to where Roi and Solas were and saw feet peeking out from the hallway. Soft snores drifted through the air. Varric conceded that Josie was right, this session was done for the night. With 3 of their players out of the game there was no real reason for the party to venture forth.
“So Bull, is there enough liquor left for everyone to have a shot?” Dorian asked.
“Shit yeah there is!” Bull pounds his flask on the table.
“Okay, ‘cause I need a double. Now,” said Varric as he sat back into his chair and ran his hands down his face. Varric decided he was going to hand over the DM reigns to someone else once the campaign was over, let it be someone else’s hot mess for once.