Bryce reminisces about his first days with Roman.
(This isn't really what I set out to write, but I don't hate it. Ambiguously canon for now. Proofread only once — please point out typos)
Roman is sleeping again, his breathing slow against Bryce's chest. He's sprawled more than usual on the sofa, but he's leaning against Bryce, his face pale even against Bryce's faded Dark Side of the Moon shirt. Bryce nudges the television volume down until it's just a hair over muted. He puts the remote down and tilts his head, watching Roman breath. He seems calm, in his sleep. Peaceful. Bryce is fairly certain he actually is, too, given how he usually reacts to bad dreams.
A stray lock of hair slips over Roman's face, and Bryce smooths it back without thinking. The action feels so natural.
When did … this … become his life?
It's been just over two months since he stumbled across Roman. But that wasn't when his life changed, not really. He had a plan, like he always does, a simple plan that would have gotten Roman out of danger, out of his life, just a few weeks after he pulled him from that basement.
It seemed achievable, at the time. Not easy, but simple. Straightforward. Something he could spend a few weeks working on, engaging on an intellectual level only, and then forget. Continue through his life unchanged.
And it stayed that way… For a day? Two days? Three?
The first night was easy, and Roman too exhausted to really make an impression. The next day… Well, he let everything overwhelm him when Roman begged him to stop splinting, but overall, he could have moved past that without pausing. The day after that…? That was when Roman heard his call with Corey, which he'd expected, and failed to hide it, which he hadn't. And then been exasperated when Bryce told him how to hide it, insisting he wasn't trying to lie.
He'd felt better about it then. Felt like he probably could send him off to a decent life armed with a bus ticket, a new identity and a few grand in cash. And, of course, threats ringing in his ears, what would happen if he ever came anywhere near here again, if Bryce or any of Boss's people ever saw him again.
It was the last thing he'd been expecting, although he should have known better. Oh, he wasn't shocked at the screaming that woke Bryce. Wasn't surprised when he was able to wake him and calm him, somewhat. He remembers that he let himself imagine staying to comfort Roman, but also that he was shocked when Roman actually asked him to wait, clearly torn between between the idea of wrapping his arms around Bryce and the reality of who he knew Bryce to be.
And he remembers giving in to his own buried reactions, sweeping Roman into his arms and holding him while he sobbed. Going against every bit of discipline he's worked to drill into himself for years, decades, and responding to Roman's plea to go home.
Was that it? Was that the moment he was lost? That he became a feeling being again, after so long being numb?
He thinks maybe it was. But still… He was hurt when Roman didn't believe him, the next day in the garden, but he wasn't shattered. Could have moved past that, rationalized it away as an off day, kept his distance from Roman emotionally. Been soft, careful, but not vulnerable…
What's that saying? When you have a breakfast of bacon and eggs, the hen is invested, but the pig is committed.
He could have stayed invested only, from that point. He thinks. (Not that he'd planned on getting invested in the first place, of course. What's the cow, that made the milk you drink with breakfast? Not invested, surely. Just…involved. Contributing. That was what he expected going in, really.)
Roman's breathing stutters, his face twisting, and Bryce rubs his shoulder automatically. "I've got you," he murmurs, and Roman's face smooths out again. Bryce waits a breath, then two, focusing all his attention on the young man snuggled against him.
Oh yeah. He's been committed for a long time, now.
His thoughts circle back around to their first days together. Roman's clear distrust of him, after that disaster of a conversation about the future. That hurt, but, again, he's sure he would have gotten over it.
He tries hard not to lie to himself. He doesn't think he is, right now, but he's not sure.
That was the first day they'd spent on the sofa together, he remembers. Roman didn't want contact, and Bryce tried to honor that, but he wasn't able to rest without it, and when he woke up, he wasn't in a hurry to leave Bryce's side.
Bryce wasn't in a hurry to make him, to be fair.
No, he decides, he wasn't. He liked Roman, sure, but he had no second thoughts about sending him away. Not then. Not later that day, when Roman got up the courage to ask why Bryce kept him alive, and almost seemed to believe Bryce's truthful reply. Not later that day, when Roman thanked him for the bare minimum of supplies Bryce supplied him with. Bryce was happy, true, glad to help, but… Not more, he thinks. And, true, he was relived he could help Roman sleep, that night, and fierce when he told Roman not to be ashamed of needing help, but not… Nothing irreversible.
The next day…? They looked at cookbooks together, which was nice, surprisingly so, and… All right, maybe at that point he'd have felt a little bad sending Roman away. But he'd still have done it in an instant, if he could.
That night, though… Roman asked if he had nightmares, too. Pushed for an answer, gently, true, but… Roman was concerned about him, although he'd done little to deserve it. Been better than Avery, true, but a bar in hell isn't hard to clear. And Roman still didn't believe Bryce was going to send him away, not then.
That might have tipped him over. Not to committed, not like the pig, but…
He watches Roman sleep for a few minutes, just remembering. Not analyzing, not trying to understand his own emotions, just remembering.
The next few days were rough. Mal's visit and Roman's reactions to it. He tried to pretend it didn't change anything, but he wasn't good at lying, not about that.
He is good at lying, though. He listened to Boss discuss his future without even a hitch in his breathing as he pretended the earbuds drowned out her speaking.
Bryce shakes his head. That's not what he's trying to figure out, not right now. Not that there's a good reason for his current thoughts, but now that he's started them down a path, he wants to see where it leads. Needs to see where it leads, needs to reassure himself, somehow, both that his current life is real and that he wasn't lost to it within a week.
No, it wasn't the first week. If Roman had left after that, it wouldn't have been a blip, his feelings would have lasted longer than that, but it would have been fine.
Two weeks…? That was the dinner with Avery. Two weeks after they met, exactly. Several days after Roman's catastrophic escape attempt, and therefore several days after Bryce buried himself in work and found Avery.
It couldn't have been the dinner, though. That was a Thursday, when he had online plans with Jean, and he called the previous day to cancel. Jean already knew, at that point, just from Bryce's guarded words and questions about Roman's health. Your new kid brother, he'd said then, and he'd been right.
Was he committed, though?
He might have been, he decides. He could have kept living after sending Roman off, never to be seen again, then. It would have felt like sawing off an arm or leg: life-changing, not life-threatening. His life as he knew it could have continued, somewhat.
Not now, though. It would feel like cutting out his heart, now.
And he'd still do it, if Roman asked.
Fuck, how lucky is he that Roman hasn't asked? Isn't likely to ask.
Bryce kisses the top of Roman's head, just off from the part in his hair, and leans back against the sofa. He grabs the remote and switches to a movie, turning on the subtitles as he does.
He doesn't want to bother Roman, after all.
