#rooc

[abuzd]

are you telling me this trauma was forced by a blunt?

[rozboi]

Ro the rogue! ◇ Short for Rosemary, but don't call her that. She'll stab the shit out of you. 🤫

[bigmistake-production]

[abuzd]

oh god it all really happened. like, to me.

to the body i inhabit. like i'm at that place in healing where i can now discern the child-built-fantasy from the very real and horrifically uncomplicated it was for those men to do that to a child. to children. to me.

i have to live with it being real. there's no fall-back of "maybes" that i can dissiciate to, to hide me from it really happened. to me. and i still live in this body.

it's vastly different now that i'm 30+. but it's still my body (was it ever?), still me. there's no dissociation where i can put down the weight of it. of it being real. of it really happening to me. any other lens is symptomatic.

and i have to handle that. all of this realness of things so horrifying, i have to keep even the hint of it happening from 95% of the people physically around me at any given time. and everyday i wake up now like oh god. it really happened to me. but i also wake up now know that i can handle handling it. i'm capable now.

like, don't get me wrong, the agony persists. like i still genuinely wanna kms sometimes over the memory-load alone lol but i can just... i dunno. i got the tools now and when i use them as intended, they work lol (imagine that). anyway i'm 31 and if things don't get better around you, take the good and learn from it, watch the bad and learn from their mistakes. bc you really do live and then you learn from living and i hate that but it makes sense.

give yourself and others the slack to make mistakes ffs. give people a chance to learn on that basic human-to-human level (rarely possible online, but still). fuck arguing your nuance like we know we all know anyway shut up and listen and learn.

do you wanna be right? do you want to engage? and be engaged with? and possibly learn? i mean, afterall, the more you know, the more you know. right? so, by that logic, aren't mistakes intrinsic? allow space for that for others. to unlearn, before they learn. and make sure you give (or MAKE) room for yourself to make mistakes. so you can learn. foster the environment for growth. but take no shit. balance.

revisit basic thoughts and memories in the privacy if your own physical head. learn about yourself, question yourself--if not to kill time vs algorithm doomscrolling. ai wants you to stop thinking for yourself; very literally. best thing we can do is log off.

log off of the fantasy or mask or whatever. sit with your thoughts--shut up about meditation--whatever thoughts, and follow their path. or i dunno, just try something to get your brain moving in new directions. does that make sense? (rhetorical lol but does it).

anyway i'm rambling i just wanna say being in a body is fuck shit ass

[abuzd]

shit. i accidentally just Actualised my trauma. i spoke it out loud. other people heard me and believe me. they accepted my Subjective reality, into their subjective realities, which means my trauma is now Objectively true. not just Subjectiely true. which means it's Absolute. it's Been Actualised now. :/ *long slow breath outwards* guess i'll go play with my friends 👀

[abuzd]

you know what? fuck you. *age AGGRESSIVES*

[abuzd]

"multiple personality disorder"??? UMMM. more like.... Multiple Possabilites Disorder :D hell yeah, brother 📊💯🫂🫶🤝

[abuzd]

🫂 they will try to destroy your tenderness in your 20s btw 🫂 if it's already been destroyed, it's ok. you might not have the same heart as you did before anymore, but you can choose to passively build a new one. take your time. i promise there's more life unlived post-20's that makes building your heart back up worth it. tenderness and strength. both are choices.

dishonest people tend to respond to honesty.....ah... chaotically 👀 devil's advocates will hang you by their nuances. look for who you are talking to (especially on the internet), not necessarily just what you're talking about. notice how they talk about things 👀 slow down ⏳️ listen to your gut. yer body Knows. listen to yourself and your own private honesty 🫂 we all have a neocortex for many, many, many reasons 👀 and having a job maaaaybe[?] shouldn't be one of them?👀 andddd the point of Making Money, when Money rn is just supporting the current economy built to enslave the globe for the pedophiles and oligarchs of the 1%? 👀

JUST figuring out who you are in GENERAL is SO HARD. especially in your 20s. can you give yourselves some slack, guys? 😭 you're ONLY in your 20s. you've already gone through too much by 20, and living Longer might sound Worse (objectively understandable!) but you're not running out of time, anytime soon, to live how you will enjoy living <3 🫂 please give yourselves and others around you patience. patience takes strength AND tenderness 🫂

idk if anyone needs to hear this but:

thank you. for all your silent strength. for carrying things no one knew or knows or will know about. i'm sorrowful for the burdens you've had to carry with little to no reward. i'm genuinely incapable of imagining how difficult your life has been so far. but also thank you. i am sorrowful that we must all ask each other for slowness and care. but it is what humans are capable of doing best. i'm sorrowful you have to keep being strong. i'm also SO glad you exist. thank you. <3