I hate sick kids. I don't like them crying and screaming and shouting cause they don't feel well and they don't know how to express their feeling.As a result, I refuse to be assigned in the pediatric ward more especially to cancer kids. I don't like too much emotions involved in work. For me, it would help me provide them with better care if I will not get too attached to them. But something changed when I met this kid, her name is Isay.
It was around 11 a.m. when my gf called me to meet her in her floor for a consult. You see, I am a person who lacks sleep and most of the time I get grumpy easily but since it's work, I hurriedly went to her. She told me that she needed my help and consult regarding her patient who seems to be getting worse despite the efforts they make to contain her illness. I checked the charts and followed her to the room and I saw a skinny girl, 15 years of age who can barely move around because of her joint pains.
Diagnosis: Stage 3 leukemia.
At the sight of the patient, I immediately told her I am backing out and maybe she can find another consult, someone better than me. But in a rush she tells me that she's not looking for someone better but she is asking for help. She is asking for my help to take care of the patient and someone the patient can trust.
For several days I worked with Isay to make her feel better although most of the time she doesn't want to cooperate cause she says she can't take it anymore. I need to force her to move and help me cause I want her to be okay. There are times that I see scratch papers and newspapers scattered in her bed side and i notice how good she can draw. I am not the artsy type so when I saw a certain work of art out of a person who don't seem like artsy, I feel amazed and happy. As time goes, I find myself attached and comfortable with Isay. Everyday there is a need for me to see her and there are times that I always update myself with her condition. We now have conversations and we now joke around each other. Although there are still days when her mood is off because of her medications, she will just sleep or doodle to take her mind off the pain and sometimes she will talk about letting go.
Last night my gf (her other doctor) talked to me as they now have the latest lab results for Isay. It broke my heart cause now she is worse. It climbed to stage 4. I want to cry. This is the reason why I don't like working with kids especially cancer patients. There is a certain pain in cancer patients eyes that can't be hidden when they laugh/smile. They will say "okay" but I know deep down it's not.
It was with a heavy heart to see her parents cry when they were informed about the condition of their daughter. Across the hallway I can see her parents begging and asking help from the other doctors to do their best to save Isay but it's hard especially now that there is nothing we can do to save her. We need miracles and lots and lots of prayers and I can only imagine the pain that she will suffer and go through to fight a battle that we are not even sure we can win.
It was at this moment that she asked me,
" hindi na po ako gagaling di ba? alam ko naman po yun ayoko lang din mahirapan sila. "
For a moment I can't speak and I ask her to wait for me as I need to get something in my room but the truth is i don't want to cry in front of her. i can feel her parents pain, I remembered how my dad begged the doctors to save my mom from cancer and how much he traded everything to keep my mom alive but in the end, my mom still didn't make it. This is the real reason why I don't want cancer patients, it made me miss my mom more. and now Isay is suffering too.
After my shift, I went to Isay's room and bade good bye. She asked me if I will still be there tomorrow, I said, yes i promise not only tomorrow but everyday.
I am sorry for almost turning my back on you when they asked for my help. I thought the sight of you would only make me weak but the truth is, you made me stronger and you made me believe that even if it is coming to an end soon, you are happy. Sometimes I think you are just tired that's why keep on giving up but the truth is, you just don't want your parents to suffer anymore. Maybe someday we'll find out why it has to be you but for the mean time celebrate each day and every moment and remember all the good times. Maybe we'll stop having conversations soon, as much as I hate it to happen, I will still talk to you and ask you to help me and give me strength. You are a nice kid thank you for trusting me and for saving me.
