Awkward
Awkward. One word that can easily define the “reason” for so much mental discomfort, social anxiety, body dysmorphia and emotional stress that people including myself struggle with only a daily basis.
This weekend one of my children made a very poor decision in a social situation and it was brought to my attention by another parent. Now, if I blogged every time one of my 5 children I parent made a bad choice I’d be flooding the internet with blog posts.....but this really got to me. It was the answer as to ‘why’ that started me thinking. We discussed the situation,what happened and then we attempted to get an answer of ‘why’ he/she chose to make the decision they did. The answer was “well...if I didn’t do it I would’ve felt awkward”. I was dumbfounded. Not at the situation or even the poor choice in the situation....but the fact they made a poor choice b/c of the fear of feeling awkward? In my mind I’m thinking- “How could any one of my children not be mentally strong enough to be comfortable feeling awkward...how can they fear something we strive so hard to overcome on a regular basis?” I say this b/c it defines the person I am today. It’s the parenting style I’ve adopted with my husband. We will say and do things that can and will generally make our children (or even other people) “uncomfortable” or feel “awkward”....We will not be politically correct or avoid certain topics. If it’s on our mind or a pertinent topic...it’s an open forum for discussion.... so they can feel free to be themselves. So they know they can come to us with whatever comes up and we don’t flinch about the subject....They know that it’s okay to swim against the current when they don’t agree with other peoples opinions and they shouldn’t just sit ‘idly by or silent’ if someone is doing something wrong or something they disagree with.....
I’m writing this b/c as I pondered the ‘why’....I realized in retrospect so much of my life has centered around feeling awkward .....that any confidence I have now to make ‘good decisions’ has been learned over a significant amount of time...and learning to live with or ‘manage’ the awkward is a constant ongoing practice. Some people define themselves and their ‘views’ with groups....whether it’s religious or political they’re assigning you predetermined thoughts and decisions for whatever topic might arise. They’re even telling you to some extent how to cast judgment on others. If you follow the well formatted guidelines of the ‘group’....the task of ‘living’ can almost be without individual thought at all.....It takes much more time, energy and mental fortitude to forge your own road....and there is NOTHING easy about that.
As a young child I was always extremely skinny and tall (like I looked like I had a disease kind of skinny). I was harassed and made fun of continuously...and I didn’t do anything or go anywhere without feeling “awkward”. Just the idea of gym class gave me anxiety. Ugh. Having to wear shorts gave me anxiety. Why? b/c I wasn’t like everyone else. As I got older I would create “vices” to try and overcome the awkward. I became almost aggressive by high school. I was tired of being picked on and if someone wanted to start a fight I was like a Jack Russell Terrier chasing a rabbit. I never backed down. Needless to say being a female it rarely led to anything physical b/c females are all talk...when push came to shove (literally)....they didn’t want any part of anything other than running their mouths.....I would date guys who were interested in anything but me as an actual ‘person’.....and by college the behaviors really didn’t improve but instead escalated. Now adding to an aggressive personality an abundance of partying, poor self esteem, plenty of people trying to coax me in the wrong direction, with a giant glass of awkward, it was the remedy for what could have been a bad ending to a really bad story.
Fast forward....I barely made it through my first year of college in West Virginia. Going from an honor roll high school student to barely passing my college classes my parents said ‘you’re done and you aren’t going back’. There was no way they were going to let me waste money when they knew I wasn’t even trying. Fortunately that summer I was home and I was called by a local college about an opening in their Physical Therapist Assistant program. With some begging and overall parental forgiveness I was given the opportunity to attend college again with the stipulation I could NOT get less than a “B”. This gave me a big dose of ‘this was my last chance’ and I did what I had to do and made it through....with the ‘awkward’ still fully controlling my life.
After leaving college...it was adulthood. I couldn’t get my own apartment quick enough. I think I lived at home for maybe a month or two.... I wasn’t out of school long before I had my first full-time job and full-time boyfriend. Up until this point there was no healthy way to manage the anxiety and the awkward. That’s when I quickly learned exercise was medicinal for me physically and mentally. I was not just working in physical therapy but I was also a personal trainer and basically a ‘gym rat’. By 22 years old I was pregnant and planning and wedding.....By 23 I was married and a mother. Life turned full circle and we decided as ‘parents’ that we’d raise our children in a home where NO topic was off limits.
Awkward. So much of being awkward stems from the feeling that we aren’t “good” enough....pretty enough...smart enough....strong enough....etc. The more awkward you are, the more anxiety you have.... and vice versa. So the key is really becoming ‘comfortable’ with it....get comfortable (or at least be able to muster through) with the uncomfortable feeling we get when those thoughts are going through our heads......bc I’m not cured (and I can’t always make those crazy thoughts go away). I still struggle with this everyday. I’m a 43 year old- wife, full time working mom, “black belt” in jiu-jitsu....but I have a very high anxiety level. I constantly doubt myself. I force myself to say things, go places and do things that I don’t want to do.....to manage my awkward.
When people hear/see/inquire about me doing jiu-jitsu I sometimes feel embarrassed to explain what it is b/c many people feel it’s not ‘what normal middle age females do’....but you know what? It was awkward at first....and now it’s not (most of the time anyway). Jiu-jitsu helps me manage it. Physical training can change our mentality about awkward. It can improve your confidence an improve your self esteem. I encourage anyone who is second guessing themself...mentally, physically.....to come in and try some training. You might be surprised at how therapeutic it is. www.Graciepa.com