#roxas writes

[xroxasx]

the shit show

you can run but you cant hide 

from the person that you thought you were all this time 

and i thought you were who you knew yourself to be 

but turns out even though i still write i dont know how to rhyme 

the you without me 

and for years ive been the one to get hurt 

but the rotating shit hole we live on 

finally pulled me down into the dirt 

and smeared blood of the guilty on my chest 

thinking that if no one wins then i need to be ultimate sinner with no rest 

i feel bad and i don’t know what to do 

even though the one who’s making sure i suffer is you 

im over here fucking hating myself and all i can do is think

about all the things that we said we would do 3 years down 

while you sat on the couch sending me off to drown 

i love you and im sorry but we have to let all this go 

im tired of the crying and the punch to the gut 

telling you and telling me to just make it hurt all better 

because the truth is unlike what you’ve heard im not happy now 

because all i can think about how at the end of every shit show all i take from it is a bow 

and i colored inside the lines just like you said 

and now i cant get out of bed 

[wonwoosgamergf-archive]

chan: *gently break dancing* whats wrong son?

jeongin: wtf get away from me

[yutosidealtype]

Hey! Can I request a 17 reaction? Their girlfriend is usually tomboy-ish but she dresses up for a dinner date with them! Thank you!

Would choke on air, completely shocked and mind blown at seeing you. Takes him a moment to regain his composure before going overboard with compliments. Can’t stop complimenting you throughout the whole night: Joshua, Hoshi, Seokmin, Dino

Doesn’t say anything for a while besides, “You look wonderful,” Would probably prefer the regular you rather than the fancy you. Continues to pepper you in cute compliments, though, because he always thinks you look beautiful: S.coups, Wonwoo, Woozi, Seungkwan, Vernon

Flirty!! And a little teasing, “Wow, my baby can be beauty and the beast,” He would joke before giving you a kiss, “I’m only kidding you look beautiful no matter what.” Takes lots of pictures of you to show you off to the guys: Jeonghan, Jun, Mingyu, Minghao

thank you so much for requesting!! i forgot i had this, so sorry for the wait ^n^ ive just had a lot of schoolwork 

~roxas

[goodbye-to-a-world-of-feeling]

“you want me to catch you?” I don’t know. I mean, why wouldn’t I? But I don’t think I should. I don’t think you should. there’s some things that you should know. what do you know? I want you to know a lot, and think about me a lot. That would be nice. I want you to know that I will never do a trust fall, ever. I only get close to people I trust. I only touch people I trust. And I don’t touch anyone. I’d love for you to catch me. But I can’t let you do that. You won’t ever be able to know.

[xroxasx]

I do realize things might never be the same. And that’s okay. This is the course of history. But I think about all the people whose lives have been destroyed as well. How dare we just have to move on. Screw that. I miss the things I hate, the things I never wanted people to talk about ever again. I miss different forms of sadness, the one that’s ever so slightly lifted once I get out of the house in the morning and see my students and my co-workers. Don’t talk to me and please don’t leave become see you again--someday.

But I am both losing and gaining time. We have gained the ability to seek each other out, even just virtually. I miss people harder than I did before. No more too busy. You have time. I always wish people would just learn to make time. Well now they have it. Use it. Even if it’s to do absolutely nothing. Embrace it. People finally have time for each other and most of the time in spite of the outer-world setbacks, I don’t want this to end anytime soon. Why do we have to go back to I don’t have time for you and I don’t have time for stupid feelings. I want us to be. I want us to stay and look at each other.

[xroxasx]

I was thinking about some stuff I thought you’d forgotten, or tried to. And I’m sure, that’s why we have the same dreams from time to time. Not just you, but all of us. I wish that there was something I’d see that you had too. Even just for that day. Not even the sun shines the same way. And I can still hear the words you used to show me, with your hands, they all crafted something different. But you became different. I probably did too, but the difference was I wanted to be different with you. I’ll see you in the spots we used to share, just not in person.

[xroxasx]

— I think that it’s only when someone says they love you that you’re able to start loving yourself. I think when someone accepts you, that’s when you start feeling like you can forgive yourself a little and start to love yourself.

do you know your own worth without someone telling it to you first? it’s not exactly an age old question, but it’s definitely something that’s come up in the past generation or two. can you really love yourself without someone else loving you first, to show you the good parts of you, to understand that there’s something more to you. 

But can you see it on your own? in reality, I think we all see the good in ourselves, but sometimes it’s just been beaten out of us so hard that we force ourselves to forget. otherwise, there’d be no such thing as “deserving” and “undeserving” people. isn’t the reason we get upset because we see ourselves working so hard when no one else does? we’re the only ones who know the full extent of our trials before the audience of whatever higher power does or doesn’t exist. guiltyguiltyguilty. bouncing off the walls as we’re sentenced to social execution, the slowest and most painful death of them all. how can I be forgiven for something I never did? I’ve been wrongly prosecuted. it wasn’t me. i love you. i love you just as much as i have learned to love myself. I knew how to love myself, no one had to teach me that. I just wanted someone else to see it too.

I want you to love me like I always knew I loved myself before. before that snicker, before the slap, before I was clawing at the walls screaming for someone to love me because I can’t be alone, I don’t want to be alone anymore. 

that’s why nostalgia is never a bad thing. understanding and empathy can come naturally, they always have. you just want someone else to see yourself through the eyes of the person you used to be. the one hiding under the layers of lies. 

[xroxasx]

I keep going over the life that could have been. I know I’ve said before that I think about different realities. What they might have held for me, and for those that I love. If I’d made different choices, if someone hadn’t died, if my friends had been better, if I’d told myself something different. But I reflect, and reflect, and think ever harder than what I need to. I’ll look up those I’d forgotten about and cry. It’s cathartic because all these years I thought I’d lost the ability to cry. 

And I can’t help but wonder if people really do care the way I do too, somewhere deep down, or maybe it’s Not That Deep after all, and it’s just boiling on the surface, the lid of the pot barely covering it, but still there. And perhaps we look for each other in others. For instance, every time someone claims to not love me, they end up finding me in someone else immediately after. She has the same tiny gap between her two front teeth that I do. It’s small but it’s there. He has the exact same birthday as me, April 5th 1996. They have that same never-ending giggle that you’d always ask me about while giggling yourself. And I can’t help but wonder: why? Did you really not know, or did you ignore it on purpose? 

I have dreams where I’m happy every once in a while. And every time, without fail, every single time I’m holding hands with someone and crying. I think about this a lot.