The Ballad of the Slime and Elven: 01
After dying via Fiat, Monica Russo wakes up as an immortal elven in a fantasy world—with a sassy RPG System, awkward powers, and a rubber chicken for a weapon. Teaming up with Rimuru Tempest, she stumbles through monsters, magic, and misadventures as she learns how to be a true main character.
Thanks to anyone who will comment. I love all of you, and I’m so grateful already!
I want to tell you, I’m happy with every interaction. Even sending an emoticon makes me screech with happiness. :D Also, if English isn’t your first language, just write in your own language the comments!
I speak Italian, German, and English, and for all other languages, there is Google Translate. I don’t mind translating your comments. ^^
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Here is my newest self-insert! :D
I love Tensura, and I couldn’t just not write a FF with it.
Pairing will be with Rimuru :3
Now enjoy!
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PLEASE DON'T FORGET TO COMMENT, AND FEED THE BEAST AKA ME WITH COMMENTS! :D
PLEASE DON'T FORGET TO COMMENT, AND FEED THE BEAST AKA ME WITH COMMENTS! :D
PLEASE DON'T FORGET TO COMMENT, AND FEED THE BEAST AKA ME WITH COMMENTS! :D
PLEASE DON'T FORGET TO COMMENT, AND FEED THE BEAST AKA ME WITH COMMENTS! :D
PLEASE DON'T FORGET TO COMMENT, AND FEED THE BEAST AKA ME WITH COMMENTS! :D
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Chapter 1: The End and the Beginning
The world ends in the sensation of flying.
Monica Russo is an ordinary, chubby woman living in Sicily. She's not special—just a background character in others' lives.
It’s alright.
The brunette dreads the spotlight, preferring to hide behind books or a screen. Years of bullying taught her that invisibility means safety from cruel words.
Being an NPC is what Monica aspired to be. Who needs friends? Who needs a Lover? Who needs anyone at all, if they would just hurt her in the end? No, staying in the background of the world is just fine.
She had long ago given up being a main character in her own life.
Monica is just…there.
Living a quiet, simple life.
She goes to work, then she shops for groceries or for new merch of anime she likes, then goes home and spends the evening with a book, a game or online.
Her parents worry. She knows they do. At 31 years, she had never had a relationship. So, there wouldn’t be any grandchildren, surely.
Yeah, 31 years old, untouched, still a virgin and also living with her parents. Monica knows she isn’t a grand prize. Also, add how chubby she is…who would ever touch her?
It’s strange how she thinks about this, after this Fiat hit her, making her fly through the air. Shouldn’t she think about how she is going to die? No…her mind just rewinds on her life.
It had been…utterly boring.
Yes, a true disappointment.
If I get a second chance, I would be braver…
Requests confirmed. Beginning the process of Rebirth. Acquisition of the skill "Lionheart" is successful.
Monica smashes into the street, feeling her fat wobble terribly and her bones break.
Fuck, this hurts! Even being fat like a cow didn’t help me, haha. Why wasn’t I born beautiful? Beautiful and strong and unbreakable.
Requests confirmed. A new body of divine beauty is built. Acquisitions of the skills “Berserker” and “Guard” are successful.
Warm blood drips out of Monica's wounds, as cold rain touches her skin.
Warm like fire and cold water…It would be nice to be the master of these sensations…
Requests confirmed. Acquisitions of the skills “Fire Mastery” and “Water Mastery” are successful. Attainment of both “Fire Mastery” and “Water Mastery” creates "Steam Mastery".
Monica hears how people are screaming. Someone calls for an ambulance.
Yeah, I need help…I always need help. Why can I be the one who helps?
Request confirmed. Acquisition of the skill “Support” is successful. Attainment of the skills “Berserker”, “Guard” and “Support” creates “Jack-Of-All-Trades”.
Deep down, Monica knows it's too late for her. She will die. She WILL die.
I’m so afraid…I don’t wanna die…!
Request confirmed. Acquisition of the skill “Immortality” is successful. Attainment of divine beauty and the skill “Immortality” matches the race “Elven” for you.
It’s getting dark around her. Her heart is beating more slowly. The broken bones start to hurt less.
I’m dying…I’m really dying…I’m dying as a boyfriend-less 31-year-old virgin! Damn, I would be like such an anime protagonist for an Isekai, wouldn’t I? Gosh, if I were really Isekai’d…then with a System! I need help to navigate the world. Don’t even care if the System is sassy, just give me full RPG powers!
Acquisition of Unique Skill, “System” successful.
I hope…
Mamma and Papa…
Don’t cry…
So much…
For me…
(*)
✦ Character Profile ✦
Name: Monica Russo
Identity: Reborn Otherworlder (Died at age 31)
Race: High Elf (Divine Beauty variant, granted via her desire to be unbreakable and immortal)
Class: Cleric / Frontline Combat Support (Jack-Of-All-Trades)
Disaster Rank: Special A [Calamity Grade] (Bordering on Demon Lord seed level due to her unique skills)
✦ Status & Attributes ✦
Magiccules: Extremely High
Propelled by her high-tier Elven race and dual Unique Skills.
Physical Beauty: Divine
Born from her dying wish to escape her previous body, flawless and mesmerising.
Durability: Absolute
Unbreakable bone structure and regenerative properties due to Immortality and Guard.
Combat Range: All-Range
Can fight at the absolute frontline or heal from the safe backline.
✦ Unique Skills ✦
1. 『 SYSTEM 』
Born from her final wish to have an RPG guide to navigate the new world, even if it has a bit of attitude.
Voice of the Guide: An internal, highly intelligent, and slightly sassy ego that translates the world into RPG terms for Monica.
Status Window: Allows Monica to accurately scan her own stats and assess the threat levels/skills of targets she encounters.
RPG System Optimisation: Formats her progression, spells, and inventory like a classic role-playing game, making her highly adaptable.
2. 『 JACK-OF-ALL-TRADES 』
Born from the synthesis of Berserker, Guard, and Support. This defines her Cleric class: an absolute unit who can protect, destroy, and heal.
Sub-Skill - Berserker: Ignites her physical strength and combat instincts, allowing her to hit like a truck when fighting solo.
Sub-Skill - Guard: Grants passive defensive armour made of pure magiccules. Her body is literally “unbreakable.”
Sub-Skill - Support: Maximises the efficiency of her healing, buffs, and shields when applying them to herself or allies.
3. 『 LIONHEART 』
Born from her first and deepest regret: “If I get a second chance, I would be braver…”
Absolute Fortitude: Renders Monica immune to fear, despair, or mental domination. The scarier the opponent, the calmer she becomes.
✦ Extra Skills & Resistances ✦
Extra Skill: 『 IMMORTALITY 』
Born from her sheer terror of death (“I don’t wanna die!”).
Grants her an absurdly high-tier cellular regeneration. Coupled with her High Elf lifespan, she does not age and can recover from otherwise fatal physical wounds almost instantly.
Magic Mastery: 『 STEAM MASTER 』
Born from her sensory perception of her own warm blood mixing with the freezing rain.
Fire Mastery: Total control over heat and flames.
Water Mastery: Total control over moisture, fluid movement, and ice.
Steam Mastery: Seamlessly merges both elements to create boiling vapour, blinding mist screens, and localised pressure explosions.
✦ Combat Style: The Unbreakable Cleric ✦
Monica is a terrifying anomaly on the battlefield. Enemies look at her and see a beautiful, graceful Elven Cleric—assuming she is a fragile backline healer.
Instead, thanks to Jack-Of-All-Trades, she can cast a high-tier healing spell on an ally, trigger Berserker, and sprint directly into the enemy’s vanguard. Because of Guard and Immortality, she can take a direct hit from a massive monster, laugh it off because it doesn’t hurt, and smash them with steam-enhanced physical strikes. She is the ultimate safety net for any party, and a nightmare to face alone.
(*)
The first thing Monica notes is this sheer absurd character profile floating before her face. It is a digital interface with white angel wings on the sides. Very divine and pretty, no question, but also very OP.
Oh god, is she a Mary Sue?!
[Well, you will need all this OPness to even survive a day! Power doesn’t mean you can actually use it already!]
Afraid, Monica shrieks. There is a voice inside her head, and it’s sassy! She lost her marbles!
[Jeez, calm ya tits, girl!]
It doesn’t stop! Confused, searching to escape this bizarre situation, she looks around. Finally, she realises how she isn’t in a hospital…no, she is in a clearing? What the fuck?!
“Oh my god, what is going on?!” Monica screams, then blinks in utter confusion at her voice. That’s not her voice at all; she sounds like she imagines a sexy woman talking.
[Well, you died.]
“…What?”
[Died. You are deader than kids in a math classroom. Welcome to your new life. You got reborn.]
“…WHAT?!”
[Ah, you are in shock. That’s normal. I’m your System. Just like you ordered.]
Monica’s legs wobble beneath her as she tries to process this information. The world around her is disorienting—lush green grass, the hush of wind through unfamiliar trees, and somewhere far off, the cawing of a bird that doesn’t sound quite like anything from Sicily.
[Are you just going to stand there gawking, or would you like a basic tutorial? I’d hate for you to die again in the first five minutes.]
She flinches, clutching at her chest. Despite the new voice, her heartbeat feels strong—too strong, in fact, as if her blood is supercharged. Monica looks down and gapes. Her hands are slender, her skin luminous and flawless. Even her nails are perfect.
But what makes her gasp in joy are her breasts and stomach. Her tits are big and perfectly formed, while she has a flat, toned stomach.
Gone is all her fat…she is slim, with the curves in the right places!
“Oh my god! I am hot?!” Monica gasps in joy, jumping up and down.
[Ya got, your priorities straight. Who cares for rebirth, if you aren’t a sexbomb!]
“Okay, was that sarcasm really needed?” Monica pouts while she cups her big breasts. “But… It’s weird that I’m calmer now. Shouldn’t I freak out more that I was reborn?”
[That’s a side-effect of the skill Lionheart. You are braver than before. Or dumber.]
“Wow! You’re so rude, System!” Monica laments, stroking her simple black dress down. At least she was dressed and not naked. “Can you not be more friendly?”
[You didn’t care how your System should behave, so I will be a sassy bitch.]
Just Monica's luck. Whoever reincarnated her gave her the most sassy system. She should have wished for a nice system. Okay, she had been dying, who thinks about this, but anyway!
The next hour, Monica spent with System playing around with the RPG Functions.
“Open Status Window!” Monica announces dramatically, thrusting her hand out like she’s casting a spell. Nothing happens.
[You don’t have to say it out loud, genius. Just think it.]
“Oh.” She glances around, making sure no one saw her. She thinks, Status Window, as hard as she can.
Immediately, a glowing holographic panel pops up, covered with stats. Monica grins. “Oh my god, that’s so cool!”
[Congratulations, you can read. Want a medal?]
She pokes at her attributes, trying to raise her intelligence. Instead, a pop-up appears: “Insufficient Level.”
“Wait, can I cheat? Give myself infinite points?”
[What do I look like, a mod menu? Try actually earning them, cheater.]
Monica sighs, then experiments with the Inventory. She pictures a baguette, and a baguette materialises in her hand. “YES! Free carbs!” She takes a huge, victorious bite.
[You're literally immortal, and the first thing you do is conjure bread. I weep for humanity.]
She tries to summon a sword, but accidentally ends up with a rubber chicken. “What the—?!”
[That’s what you get for thinking about food and weapons at the same time.]
Monica twirls the rubber chicken, then bonks herself lightly on the head. “This is the best afterlife ever.”
[Just wait until you try the Quest Log. Spoiler: ‘Don’t Die’ is your first main quest.]
“Noted,” Monica says, mouth full of baguette. “Can I put ‘Find Hot Boyfriend’ on the quest list?”
[That’s a side quest. Difficulty: Impossible.]
“How rude!”
The best features are, without a doubt, System Shop and System Music! For System Shop, she will need to earn credits via quests. Turns out she can conjure only really basic things. That’s why she got the rubber duck and not a sword. But Music is already unlimited with the sweetest sounds from Earth.
So Monica choose a italian popsong she loves. Calipso from Charlie Harles, Sfera Ebbasta, Mahmood and Fabri Fibra.
Calipso Corri ragazzo nei vicoli Cento sirene negli angoli Nessuno cercherà nel tuo cuor Calipso Cerchi per strada miracoli Gli altri ti dicono, "C'est la vie" Ora ricordi dov'è il tuo cuor Ora ricorda dov'è il tuo cuor Calipso La la la, la la, la la Calipso (ah) Ora ricorda dov'è il tuo cuor
Happy she dances and sings around the clearing, while she formally feels System judging her. However, Monica doesn’t care. She is hot, she is powerful, and she has bomb music! Shall the System judge her as much as they want!
Sadly, all fun ends.
A wild bunny appears!
“Aww!” Monica coos. “What a cute little guy!”
[I would get ready.]
“Huh? Why?”
Before Monica can react, the bunny charges at her like a fluffy cannonball.
She squeaks and leaps back. “Okay, that’s not normal!” She brandishes her rubber chicken, which squeaks just as nervously.
[Forest Rabbit: Threat Level—Adorable but Aggressive. HP: 12. Special Move: Ankle Biter.]
The bunny bares its tiny teeth and lunges for her foot.
“No, not the shoes!” Monica hops on one leg as the rabbit latches onto her shoelace and shakes its head like a terrier with a sock. She swings her rubber chicken in a wild arc, missing both rabbit and dignity.
[Self-inflicted damage: -1 Dignity Point.]
“Stop giving me play-by-play!” Monica yelps as she tries to shake off the rabbit, only to slip and tumble onto her butt. The bunny hangs on, determined, gnawing away.
Monica finally manages to flick the bunny off. It lands in a patch of wildflowers, looking both insulted and confused.
“Sorry! But you started it!” Monica pants, rubber chicken poised for round two.
The bunny glares, then decides to retreat with one last menacing thump of its back foot.
[Congratulations! You have defeated: Forest Rabbit. Loot: 1 Fluffy Tail, 2 units of Existential Shame.]
Monica collapses in the grass, out of breath, while the System chimes smugly.
[Don’t worry. Your secret’s safe with me. And everyone else who reads the quest log.]
“I am never telling anyone about this,” Monica mutters, eyeing the rubber chicken. “Next time, I’m conjuring a baguette sword.”
Then, the bushes on the edge of the clearing rustled violently. Monica froze, her heart hammering against her ribs, though her Lionheart skill immediately kicked in, forcing an unnatural, cool calm over her panic. She gripped her squeaking rubber chicken like a weapon, desperately wishing she could swap it for a real sword.
Out of the dense undergrowth rolled a translucent, sky-blue basketball.
It bounced once, twice, and then jiggled, settling into a perfectly smooth, viscous sphere. Two adorable slitted lines appeared on its front, mimicking blinking eyes.
Monica stared. The blue blob stared back.
[ALERT: Target acquired,] System’s voice chimed inside her head, though the usual sarcastic bite was replaced by a strange, analytical flicker. [Threat Level: Indeterminable. Magiccule density: Absurdly compressed. Recommendation: Do not use the chicken.]
‘Is that… a slime?’ Monica thought, her inner anime nerd overriding her fear. ‘Like, the weakest RPG monster ever? But System just said it's compressed?!’
The slime hopped forward an inch. Suddenly, a voice echoed directly into Monica’s mind—not like System’s digital tone, but casual, boyish, and very much bewildered.
“Uh… hello? Did I just hear Sfera Ebbasta playing in the middle of a fantasy forest? And wait… is that a rubber chicken?”
Monica’s jaw dropped. She didn’t just hear Japanese—thanks to her new translated worldview, she understood it perfectly. But more importantly: “You know Italian rap?!” she blurted out in shock.
The slime literally deflated a bit, flattening into a pancake shape before springing back up. “Oh my god, a human! Wait, no, you have pointy ears… an Elf? But you speak Japanese! And you know Calipso?! Don’t tell me you’re an Otherworlder too!”
“I—yes! I am!” Monica gasped, dropping the rubber chicken entirely. “I just got hit by a Fiat in Sicily like an hour ago!”
“A Fiat! Man, that’s rough. I got stabbed in Tokyo saving my junior,” the slime replied, bouncing excitedly. “I’m Mikami Satoru! Well, technically, my name is Rimuru Tempest now. A giant dragon gave it to me. I just crawled out of that cave over there.”
Monica’s System interface suddenly blinked rapidly in front of her eyes, a massive warning screen overlaying her vision.
[STATUS WINDOW: RIMURU TEMPEST]
Race: Demon Slime (Unique)
Titles: Ruler of Monsters (Potential)
Threat Level: Special A / Disaster Class
Note: He could literally swallow you whole and digest you before you finish your next sentence. Also, his taste in music is questionable if he likes your playlist.
Monica took a step back, her eyes wide as she looked from the holographic screen to the cute little blue blob. ‘Special A?! He just crawled out of a cave!’
[See? I told you that you need your OP skills. Though honestly, looking at him, you could probably defeat him in a bounce-off.]
‘Shut up, System!’ Monica thought.
Rimuru, oblivious to the digital screen floating in front of Monica’s face, tilted his slimy body. “Hey, are you okay? You look a little spaced out. And wow… you’re, uh, really pretty. Like, anime figure levels of pretty. Are all Elves in this world built like supermodels?”
Monica felt a flush of heat creep up her neck. Her Divine Beauty trait was putting in work, but mentally, she was still the chubby, invisible 31-year-old virgin from Sicily. Being called pretty by a sentient blue blob made her want to curl into a ball.
“T-Thank you,” she stammered, twisting the fabric of her black dress. “I’m Monica. Monica Russo. And I didn't look like this an hour ago, trust me. Rebirth is… wild.”
“Tell me about it! I turned into a jelly doughnut!” Rimuru laughed, a cheerful, bubbling sound. He hopped closer, looking at the half-eaten baguette on the grass, then at the rubber chicken. “So… what’s with the RPG loot? Did you spawn with a comedy kit?”
“Hey! The baguette is great, it’s free carbs!” Monica defended herself, puffing out her chest, which made Rimuru’s eye-slits widen slightly. “The chicken was a summoning accident. I was trying to make a sword, but my System got sassy.”
Rimuru froze. “Wait. A System? Like a Great Sage?”
“Yeah, an annoying voice in my head that judges my life choices,” Monica sighed.
[I heard that, fat-at-heart.]
“Whoa, I have one of those too!” Rimuru said, sounding incredibly relieved. “Man, it is so good to find another civilised person. I was losing my mind in that cave, eating rocks and weeds. Hey, Monica, right? Since we’re both Japanese-fluent, earth-born casualties of traffic and crime… do you want to team up? I have no idea where I’m going.”
Monica looked at the slime. He was technically a walking natural disaster according to her status window, but his vibe was completely harmless. Plus, her Lionheart skill was pulsing smoothly, replacing any lingering doubt with a wave of absolute confidence. She was a Cleric, a Jack-Of-All-Trades. She wanted to be brave, and she wanted to be someone who helps.
“Sure,” Monica smiled, a genuinely radiant, breathtaking expression that made her look like a true goddess of the forest. “Let’s team up. But if we get attacked by another killer bunny, you’re on frontline duty.”
“Deal! Wait… killer bunny?” Rimuru asked, turning his headless body toward the bushes.
“Don’t ask,” Monica muttered, kicking the rubber chicken into the bushes. “Just… play the music again, System. Let's get moving.”
[Fine. Commencing background tracks for the Weirdo Duo,] System groaned.
As the beats of Calipso began to echo softly in their minds again, the High Elf and the Slime took their first steps together into the Great Jura Forest.
(*)
I had lots of fun writing this chaos XD
I would totally be like a child in the new world.
So maybe it’s good between Rimuru and me that System is sassy and Great Sage a adult XD
Anyway, I hope you had a good laugh!
See you next chapter. ^^
(*)
I made a Discord. Does someone want to connect with me?
And I mean connect and talk, and not trying to sell me pictures, comics, etc., like a lot of people do these days, okay?
My answer is ALWAYS no to this.
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