#rr.

[brudnopis]

positive

I have not had a nightmare for many years. I have good dreams. I think it’s a compensation for a failed life, that those who lead a relatively happy life have nightmares. Probably this mechanism keeps me alive. Appropriate doses of melatonin neutralize large portions of cortisol delivered by overactive stress geysers during the day. In my dreams I am (although I am always not exactly me - the question of identity is a topic for a separate discussion) primarily an indifferent observer. I can't be touched.

[levautour]

𝚁𝙴𝙽𝙾 & 𝚁𝚄𝙳𝙴

[mscmmnctn]

i spoke to ryan a little. i’d like to be friends with him again, but it’s not really me he has to make amends with. he’s apologized to timothée, i believe, but i’m not sure how the whole exchange went down yet. we’ll just have to see. it’s just not up to me, anymore.

[mscmmnctn]

i’m having a fucking meltdown. if i lose timothée because ryan has confused my friendliness and helpfulness for romantic affection... god. i don’t know what the fuck i’m supposed to do. i was just trying to help.

[mscmmnctn]

some of the shit ryan is tied up in is whack, bro. the poor guy...

[mscmmnctn]

getting all that stuff off my chest last night was... daunting, to say the least. i told timothée about my mother’s abuse, how she used me as a punching bag for years and then fleeced my dad and left him penniless. 

i told him about how i had been so in love with giorgia, my girlfriend when i was a teenager, only to have her die in a car crash. her and our baby. i was only 17, i wasn’t ready to be a dad and i didn’t even know she was pregnant until after... i mean, she wasn’t far along. but it was still crushing. it hit pretty close to home hearing about ryan and his fiancée last night... my heart breaks for them. it’s not ryan’s fault, no matter what he says.

i told timmy about b, the boy who broke my heart. there’s not much to say there, it’s still painful to this day. maybe i said some of the wrong things last night in the heat of the moment, speaking about how if things hadn’t gone wrong maybe i’d still be with b. probably not the best thing to say to someone you’ve insisted you want to spend the rest of your life with... i think timothée trusts me though. i hope he does because i meant it all - a life without him now would not be a life worth living.

i’m still on edge about the whole thing with his ex who used and abused him. who stalked him. i’ve started making some calls. he’s not getting away with it, mark my words.

[planets-spinningaroundyou-blog]

I'm trying here, okay? I'm trying to make things work, but it's kind of hard to do that when it feels like you're in it by yourself. I shouldn't have went to Talia about it. That's Gabby's sister, and I should have known better. But at the same time, I meant everything I said. Gabby is great. She's an amazing person, honestly, but it's hard to figure out what she's wanting out of this. I've tried everything I can think of to show her that I'm here for her. That I care, and only want to help. To get her to open up. Yet, it seems like the more I try, the more disinterested she gets. It feels like even holding a five minute conversation with me is like a choir. I don't want that. I don't want it to be this way, but hey. At least I'm not alone, right?

Then, Ryan comes and decides it's a good idea to tell me that he's not over Brendon. Brendon. The same guy that I've been trying to help one of my best friends sort things out with for a week. Does he know we're friends, Saraya and I? Most likely not.

Saraya is just.. A blessing. I feel like I can be honest with her. I've told her things that my band mates don't even know, and probably never will. God, I at least hope not. There's just something about her personality that makes us great friends. Other than Talia, she's really the only one who checks in. I never expected to have the kind of friendship that we do when we first began talking. We've got so many things in common, both good and bad. People say that knowing others going through the same things as you are is supposed to be a good thing, but I don't see it. Knowing that me demons are also part of someone else's only makes me feel worse. Raya has been nothing but nice to me, and from what I can tell, she doesn't deserve this.

The other night, Saraya asked if I would ever sleep with her. It was completely hypothetical, of course, but it didn't help the feeling that the question may have been a loaded one. Nevertheless, I gave my completely hypothetical answer.

I think I'm looking too much into things. For now, I think it's best to just sit back and take things as they come. I'm too tired to keep fighting to be a part of things when I obviously don't belong in them.