#rubenniall

[thisautistic]

[bruisecest]

pov: you are 20 year old ruben pallister and this is what your 18 year old brother niall kennedy looks like waking up three feet away from you in his tiny bed in the room that you share with him and you are about to have a very, very angry day for reasons you can’t quite understand fully yet but still very much dislike anyways

[ubonbeheaded]

[ablushingbambi]

another disjointed ramble because 1x02 ruben is on my mind again. writing this out is making me consider writing another 1x02 fic similar to faeloria but more centric on ruben’s past traumas.

how different everything could’ve gone if joanna hadn’t interrupted them. how niall had to tell him to leave. how he probably doesn’t even remember the pit forming in his stomach when niall told him he needs to leave. how he was holding onto niall and just lost in the moment when joanna burst into the room. how he was so close to opening up to niall, probably the closest young ruben ever came to telling someone about his dad. how he must’ve been worried sick about his future half-brother and didn’t know who else to talk to, except his bambi. how he probably vomited in the toilet after hearing the news about his father having another child, someone else to abuse. how he probably spent that morning wondering if he was and would be his father’s sole victim; if he was somehow so unlovable in his father’s eyes he was the reason his father treated him that way; that he must always be the cause for the lives of the people around him to turn chaotic; because of the abuse he experienced as a boy, he’s always thought he was the reason his parents divorced.

and now because he needed to be on acid to even consider opening up to niall, destroying the room in the process and niall telling him he needs to get out of his hair, he feels that way again. like he only ever messes things up.

devastating to wonder how differently things could’ve gone had he broken down to niall when told he needed to leave.

if instead he clung to niall and promised he’d clean up the mess; he’d try to be better; he’d say he’s sorry, and that he needs niall; the first time he ever says the words: “i need you, bambi.” and he’s getting desperate, tucking his face against niall’s shoulder because his eyes are burning and there’s a sob that’s been trapped inside his chest for ages and it’s about to break loose. he’s scared to go home because he knows he’ll have a nightmare about his father, and niall won’t be there. he’ll wake up alone in a dark room. probably wet the bed in his sleep like he used to all those years ago when he was a boy and still processing what he went through.

ruben says it again, voice shrunken and trembling: “need you, bambi.” and niall’s never heard ruben beg for anything. never known him to seek comfort. never witnessed ruben shake like this, clutching at his jacket because ruben’s knees are nearly buckling; like all the strength and steadiness inside ruben has evaporated at the thought of no longer being in niall’s presence. niall’s never heard ruben’s voice catch on a whimper and crumble beneath a near-sob. never felt ruben’s damp lashes smear against his neck. never heard, until now, ruben utter the rasping words: “i’ll be good.”

niall is startled by how young and small ruben sounds as though his mind is straying elsewhere. because ruben hasn’t said those words since he was a boy, pleading for his father to not hurt him this time; that he’d be good; do whatever he could to not be dragged out of bed again. niall doesn’t know how to handle him in such a state, but ruben can’t leave. not while on the verge of tears in niall’s arms. not when he seems so much like a boy right now.

on another note, if they hadn’t been interrupted, that would be even more devastating if ruben had continued spilling his guts to niall. if his features start crumpling the moment he rasps out the confession: “he hurt me, bambi, he really hurt me.” and if, when unable to say the truth out loud, realizing niall still assumes the pain stems from being hit or beaten up, ruben’s trembling fingers guide niall’s hand to his crotch and he can barely get out the next words: “here—he hurt me here.”

and ruben’s stopped breathing. his chest is tight with panic and he can’t see niall’s face through the world-blurring sting of tears—but niall’s yanked his hand back and to ruben it feels like his entire world is falling apart. like he should have taken this secret to the grave. because niall is pulling away, probably unable to stand the sight of him in such a pathetic state and he can’t handle that terror; of niall possibly leaving him here or shoving him out of the building; his mind runs for those terrible handful of seconds, but then he’s being pulled against niall’s chest, hugged so tightly he can’t suck in a breath and his knees are buckling in relief and he feels like a child, curling up in niall’s lap and clinging, burying a sob against niall’s neck (because the times he’d cry in front of someone else—his dad, he’d be punished and mocked).

niall’s entire life being altered in this moment. because this is his brother seeking comfort he hasn’t had throughout his entire life. being seen. being a small thing. being a scared boy craving brotherly comfort. needing to be held and rocked and soothed with fingers threading through his hair. needing to let his guard down after repressing these emotions for so long. needing to be only a boy in his brother’s arms.

[many-blogs]

Our Half Man Hot Take™️ is that there’s such a large presence of RPFers within the fandom because people are uncomfortable with the fictional incest and abuse (including sexual, physical, emotional and financial) but there’s no denying that there’s emotion like lust and desire present, so fans reconcile this by assigning those emotions to two consenting performers, so they can talk about Niall and Ruben without talking about Niall and Ruben.

[lilacwitchyeyes]

Just thought about rubenniall as cannibals yay <3 specifically a bones and all cannibals <3